I just wanna be a woman.

    Dude walks past the host stand and asks where my old coworker is... "He doesn't work here anymore but he is ... Etc" he replies "oh okay" and walks out. There's a flirtation banter that transpires but of course I don't make it out to be anything but playful. Sure he's got great teeth, dimples, dark hair and scruff but in my head it's only "yea keep it moving". In fact when he came back he said "yea you're definitely not "Joe Schmo" you're prettier and I'd never forget a pretty face". And I told him to take himself downstairs. More friendly banter. But again that's what people do they flirt. And well every industry I seem to be in schmoozes like it's nobody's business. So how dare I fall for it. You're cute but BYE... Anywho as he bumps into security on the stairs and is chatting it up, he takes off his jacket (wait for it...) a sleeve of tattoos. Waitttt did I really just cave in for fcuking tattoos?!!! Maybe... Well I must have because he leaves for the last time he shakes my hand says I'll see a lot more of him. And I'll get to know him. Here's the part where I sell out... (Wait for it...) he kisses my hand. Not once not twice but THREE times!!!! I have A HUGE problem with hand kisses, I've bugged out on people for kissing my hand. Only a select few get in close enough to kiss my hand. It skeeves me out! It's the pits! But I let him do it. And then he's like I hope your boyfriend doesn't get mad and kick my ass. And I'm like I hope your girlfriend doesn't get mad. He's single. And makes sure to tell me how good he'd treat me... (End scene)
     Really Elle? For some tattoos??! I love a man with sleeves. It shows they have swag. Not everyone would do that. There is a level of badassery that gets me. Great teeth smile dimples. I just need to check his eyes again. I'm not sure if they were right. I'm questioning it. I've learned you gotta check the eyes. Eyes tell you everything. If a persons eyes aren't right. There's something wrong. You may wanna go in the opposite direction. So if I see him again, I'll check.
      And then of course this gets me to thinking. When I'm around men up here, I don't question my body. I don't feel this need to pick myself apart because I don't have the solid abs I see in pictures, Or that you feel like you need to have in in order to be considered hot in the gay scene I've been in.  I feel like a solid beautiful girl, like the one that I see when I prance around in my skivvies in my house.
   Now that is also what I dig about Bosstown is that the women here are solid, sturdy. It's not to say that there are not skinny girls here but to see the fierce beauties that come in to my job, They've got meat on their bones and they are praised for it. You know as a kid I always wanted to be a woman. A woman was a being with curves, confidence and charisma. She's poised bold and beautiful. She knows her body and what makes her beautiful. She wears her age. It doesn't wear her. She's a fierce competitor. She's Claire Huxtable, Catherine zeta Jones, Miranda Priestly, Michelle Obama, Debbie Allen, Bette Midler etc you get the point. There's a level of kickassithness they hold. They're not girlie but they are feminine, smart and strong. As a kid that's something I've always wanted. And you don't see it much anymore. I get a glimpse of it with some of the women that come to my job and I love it. Also the men here are not tiny. They're hefty, they've got hands that look like they build with them. Even the chefs have butchers hands. They have  this great stature, confidence and humble all at once. Those men want women, the  women that have curves and work them curves. And of course there I am  really wanting to jump in.  I really do like this vibe I get,  it all feels so new again. My wheels are turning and I'm cautious but I'm excited.  But yet for some reason  there is this tatted  goddess that I just can't seem to put  out of my mind. She came in like a wrecking ball, so intense! So Whoever enters my court next, needs to be of her caliber if not better.  She spoiled me with one encounter, I'm ruined hahaha.

*Elyse

Current song (s):
Glory Box- Portishead

If I may

        There's a certain cathartism that transcends when You can finally look at a face and not recognize it. Loosing relevance. There's no part that gets angry. Almost curious.  May I? ... Obsessed. As if you were watching a reality show and watching the train wreck. The damsel in distress. The victim. The invincible that comes to save the day... And she will be loved, she will be loved. And there will be a new found glory. Because you never knew love like this before.  You're hollow. Vacant. Frost bit.  Under a guise of misunderstood. The underdog. One of her wonders hidden in plain site. You're not a jumping mouse, you're a rat. How does this chapter end. I'm kind of interested in knowing. But I have a feeling I know how it will end. Hey Disney throws curve balls, so why not. I spy with my watchful eye. An emotional salve. It's nice. Right.It feels good. It's safe. not as confident as you preach?Hey babe take a walk on the wild side. It will get old. Manipulation and turmoil run through your veins. You don't want a change. It's too fun. can't change the channel just yet. It's all kinda fun. Learning  from watching others. It's almost like "life: what not to do... For dummies"

"What a tangled web we weave, when at first we practice to deceive."



*Elysium

Current Song (s):

Allora

       And then sometimes, you have moments when you shut everyone out because you don't feel like you can trust anyone. And there I was having that "come to Jesus" moment that everyone has had a long time ago...You just can't tell everyone everything. Another life lesson that seems to hurt just as much as "you can't control what others do or say, you can only control how you chose to react to them" idk some shit. Anyway, the shit hurts, and if it could not be spelled any clearer before, it's spelled in "times new roman" size 22 floating in the air. As if it was a lucky charms commercial and I'm following all the letters like charms through the Forrest until I get to the bowl. Only it's not a magical eat, no. It's me having to eat the realization that "you can't trust everyone and some of those people are the ones closest to you". Gosh can I douse this with domino please!
       "She's just jealous!" I'd really rather not ever spew those words as an option for the solution. It's rather trivial. And as I remember, I'm the center of my world not everyone else's. Internalizing people's personality traits as an attack against me will just make me paranoid and weak. People are who they are, although we wish them not to be sometimes, they're gonna have those issues before you, during you, after you. I'm just the idiot that will always feel guilty for your short comings and stifle myself to make you feel better. HOWEVER, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get it twisted. I am recording everything you say and do. So I'm gonna let you throw shit back in my face because "that's right, you were just joking" but when it's over it's over. There's no need to tell you about yourself, because you already know. My last word is not always in my sound but in lack there of.

Current Song (s):
Maybe your right- Miley Cyrus
1940- The submarines

Let's do this thing!

     I sat on pins and needles all day. The closer it came to show time, the more I wanted to back out. I was exhausted my voice seemed to have too much rasp if that's really a problem... Well it can be for a rookie like me. My chords were equally exhausted. Then I start to think: you should not have had that Mac and cheese and meatloaf... You know better! As the buzz started forming around work I was ready to call it quits. On top of which, I had no idea as to what time I was actually going on. Will they like it? Will I hit the high notes? What if! What if! WHAT IF! I just wanted a hug and someone to be proud of me. Knowing that wasn't an option I needed to push through. Waiting for that faithful moment, gulping water like it is nobody's business, "Amber light" shows up. Easing those nerves I was still anxious
      "We're gonna welcome Elyse to the stage!" It's show time! This is my home. I have to be good... The notes flew out and I surprised myself. Where did this come from?!? Not going to question it I'm gonna go with it. All those nerves carried me!! It was like the time I sang for a fashion show a friend was putting on and my voice just took off. Nobody had a clue my voice would do what it did! And that is; hit every high note ever! Anyway, I did that! I got on stage and felt alive. I really didn't want to end it! It was everything. I really need to do it again maybe with more people in the building! The takingoverization is happening! Everyone loved it and well so did "Amber light" in fact I gave her goosebumps.
    I'm not going to lie, having her there and sharing this with her felt really nice. Coming off the stage and going right to her made it feel really complete. I do really like her. But I can't be sure if I like her because it's been awhile or if she's it. I hold out for a girl that's so out of reach. I really shouldn't hold my breath, there's no way she's coming back to this city. If we're going to happen, may it happen organically with us , and by us I really mean me.
    Ugh I'm getting away from the point. The point is I killed it! And I got what I wanted and that was to have "amber lights" there. There really is a certain feeling of security that I get when I'm performing for a crowd and I can have that ONE person that is actually there for me and thinks I'm the world because they've seen all sides of me. I had that last night, I felt it. And dare I say it but I may have seen it! She looked at me in a way, I've never seen. Okay I've totally seen it from Ly, subtly. I can deny it all I want but I know when she looks at me she's like wow. But We're gonna see where this goes. I want everything to be organic, I wont ruin shit with my what ifs! Anyway! I want to be back on that stage. Everything else will happen when it does. But somebody please get me back on the stage! I want nothing else. Okay that is a lie. I want everything. But I need this here stage! It won't be the last time! I'm soo sure of it! Takingoverization commence!

*Elysium

Current song (s):
Do my thang: Miley Cyrus

Jesus take the wheel!

     It's like a huge waiting room. You plant your seeds and wonder when they'll grow how fast and or how beautiful. There's only so much you can do. You have to take in your surroundings and breathe it in all whilst you wait.  Sometimes your heart has to be your voice. It says a lot more. And for me, my mind and my heart don't always see eye to eye. So I choose to follow my mind, subtracting myself from the situation and it's funny I've never been a fan of logic, because it's more logical to. I mean really Let's look at the facts...It's just a fact. But one very important fact I always seem to over look is the fact that I've got heart. I'm driven by my heart with most things. My mind tries to rationalize my heart. So to try to create a form of safety net in case I fail... (Insert some sort of life and fail quote here) those quotes may be right but that's never what it feels like. It feels like the be all to end all. Now it's the past but well the past is still my present and I fixate until I'm worn to dust. Oh but wait!!! If that's not enough, let's obsess about the future what may or may not happen. Until each future becomes present and it breezes into the past and now I'm pissed because I'm getting closer to my doom. Missing shit because I work myself into hysteria.
      It reminds me of my sephora days: this time in particular really smacked me in the face when a lady comes from the skin care area of the store. Frantically looking around. She's probably thinking "see I looked all around" she's blindfully looking for the cash register. I know the store has expanded. But what got me was. She was walking in the direction of the cash register. A huge open space. All she needed to do was actually pay attention. Anyway she stops. With the register somewhat in view, turns around and says (with a flustered attitude) "where's the register?!!!" I said nothing but just smiled a little condescendingly and pointed behind her, toward the direction she was walking in the first place. I knew she was gonna come ask me for she had moved her head side to side even up and down already up in arms ready to fight but NEVER actually looked in front of her.  It was then that I thought wow how often do we do this in life. We get ourselves worked up with our fears and manifest them in unnessesary ways.  We'd rather run around like "the foosah is coming!!!!" Than prep ourselves for what's coming with the idea of "just keep swimming" and I say we... Really me, I can't shouldn't speak for others.
      Maybe I am what I've always dreamed of being. It's just on a smaller scale. I just don't have the press and media to validate every flaw and struggle I go through in every aspect of my life. Which may not be a bad thing. Just need to remember. That greatness that I seek may not be that far away from it just depends on how much I choose to analyse my surroundings. To us we look at celebrities thinking "they made it, I wanna be like them" but to them it may not feel like that. There are politics to every industry that makes anyone go bat shit! Just look at TLC still filing bankruptcy and their albums were making millions or the fact that they were dropped from their label because their manager felt that she was portrayed in an unflattering light. It's all bullshit no matter what. So long as people are involved, basically.
      We're just all trying to make sense of it all. I often find that I talk to myself. Play out scenarios. Anything to keep myself from losing my mind. And it doesn't take much to lose it. I play out flights of fancy to thoughts of rationality and admit to myself. It's not like I haven't admitted things but you really have to admit them more than once. I'm really trying to come to grips. Jesus take the wheel!!!
This too shall pass. But when I invest in things wholeheartedly it's so hard to feel like I didn't  fail. I have so strong of grip and it takes over.
Jesus please take the wheel...

Current song (s):

Humming- Portishead
   

Yup.

     It's the lingering departure. The one that stutters. Or the one that drags slowly in defeat. The one that searches for another question or remark so it's not final. They may not like you like you. But they'd do anything to soak up your air. Lame attempts to make you laugh...(those are "the best") "hey are you sure you're alright?" Ya I'm fine, I'm just extremely tired. (Bullshit) only you can't tell them the lights are one but no ones home, you're on autopilot. I may be going through turbulence right now. But I'm gonna continue on autopilot. Eventually it will end. I'm probably just extremely tired. I I have The jitters. A glass o' wine will do the trick.
    I haven't the slightest idea of where I am. Or maybe I do. Idk. I'm so removed, I feel mute.
Why do I have such a hard time accepting any of this.  Words and no sound.

Current song (s):
Wrecking ball- Miley Cyrus
Marvin's Room- Jojo/ Drake
Bachelorette- Bjork
All is full of love- Bjork
Unravel- Bjork

Don't care

     As if I was possessed by something I must have lost my mind. Surrounded by all these shits and I couldn't care to give one. To stare blankly into someone's face and know you have the power in your hands? I might have been scared. Don't care. I'm about to jump. The scariest feeling for me is the feeling of "I don't care" because I'm 50 shades of reckless. And in the blink of an eye I could have torn that man to shreds. I Barely ate yesterday. Too consumed. I got a taste of Hydrolics twasn't enough. But it sank me enough to not fly off the verbal handle.  I'm feeling extremely wierd. Extremely weak. It's Day two. It probably won't last long but I kinda don't want to stop. The winter is approaching. It will be a long and harsh one. It's always the hardest season for me. I might feed the beast. Why the fuck do I not care. How long will it last. Will I ...

Nessesito dormir, soy muy consado.

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus
Born to Die- Lana del Ray
No one on Earth- above and beyond (Gabriel & Dresden remix)
Marvin's room- Jojo /drake

Hot damn!!

      Holy fuckery!!!!! I'll be john brown! Dare I say it? I'm okay!!! I'm mutherfucking OKAY! I want to question it but like I really don't. I'm on cloud motherfucking 9! And by golly gosh George! I want this to last! And not be a phase. I will speak no I'll will. But I went creeping because hey that's what I do! And of course I find a picture, shrine of her on IG because it was her birthday. And I was okay! My heart didn't race or feel heavy there were no tears and there was no aggression!!! Possibly just laughter! I had to call my BFF and tell her. Woke her up out of sleep because I needed to say this and I did. I hate this saying so I'll word it differently but it is what it's gonna be. And currently I don't really care to decypher anything. Good for them! Good for them. Really all I could think is "um ha okay" like that timer me and my old bestfriend had a really bad blow up and he said keep my name out of his mouth, I just said ha sure absolutely. Finite. I don't have much more to say about it as if somehow my spirits that are guiding me have one hand on my shoulder and they're like "elyse, You already know." Pahahahahahahaha man oh man. I wanna take my ass to sleep before I start to sing a different tune.
     October is finally over! I love my month but gee wilikers. It dragged on for way too long! Alora! I'm feeling the wind of productivity approaching. I wanna clear my space to allow all it's splendor cuz it's feeling something lovely right now, werq!
Aw shit it's labyrinth time!!! Ooooo oooo!!

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Let's dance- David Bowie
Work b!tch- Britney Spears

The sticking place

     My mind continues to roam desperately through these abandoned buildings I call memories looking for my heart at least I told myself it was my heart. Hoping to stumble on hers. There in the gallows. A history so battered, that to even try to remember the good would add you to the souls that haunt it. My remains dug up by a girl who cares. Nursed to life with her love and her life, she wants to save me. And when I say I love you and I'm sorry for abandoning you for a dream. We both knew that wasn't entirely true. I love you is enough for her. But I can't look her in the eye. Not without looking back. Not without wondering if anyone secretly felt the same way. I can't love her because another does not love me. I wonder to the river mindlessly hoping to drink from something that once gave me life. It's not my river. She waits patiently hoping I see all the things in me she sees.
      I can save myself but why won't I take her hand.  I hurt her. She's patient. She tries to save me from the gallows and she watches  me fall back into torment. I must be a masochistic. I need to trust her. She's never failed me. I've known her 26 yrs she's never failed me. In fact, she's one of a kind. And like everyone else I throw her. I fight with her. Silence her. She's still here. What will it take for me to say you're right. This one time I didn't want her to be right. I guess I'm greedy. And I don't understand.
I heard a lyric that put me to tears and shook me something fierce " you don't have to give up, to let go" and as I ride shot gun with the view of Boston, it appeared and it went as if I should float out of my skin. I feel so restricted. Don't go there elle, she says. Stay on this path. Stay with me. I know I will NEVER leave you. I'm you, and you're me. But I'll wait until you're ready... Elysium.

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Kaskade- I remember
Bachelorette- Bjork
Letting go- Isaac Shepard

Over my dead body

      Over my dead fucking body. Transpiring. I'm as dead as could be. Two swipes can't bleed. Push harder. Need sharper. I don't exist. Over my dead fucking body! Pass the spade. Hydrolics you let me down. I floated on clouds. High above the mountains. You didn't last. Kill the pain. Chase the taste. You work so quickly. I'm not, no... No I'm not. Bleed bitch. Hahaha you look stupid. You would waste your last breath calling a name that never claimed you. Stifling yourself to prove what, you might be in love but she's not with you. You're in stupid. Over your dead body. I will arrange that. You're already flocking to it. You get what you want Elysium can come sooner than you think. Can you put it to rest. Can you? Over my dead fucking body. I'll not have it. No! Tear me apart into bits and pieces, un-fuse me, wrap me gaws.substitue pain for for for  cheap happiness and and and substitute cheap happiness for for face. Save it. No no no, no no this isn't happening.
    If my eyes could tell a story. I wouldn't believe it. Farcical nonsense. Don't do this. I ache for meanings and truths that I can't handle. Wasting away longing for dreams that will never come to life.

I must be dreaming.

No over my dead body... Well... May angels guide me in

Elysium


Current song(s):

"Bjork radio" <3

Reaally Elle?

         I'm literally feeling a bunch of things all at once. Leave it to me to attract a fucking Scorpio. What caught me is that she resembles Ly. Then as we got to talking, she said " I get what I want..." And I froze and said what is your sign, at that point I already knew, she's like what do you think and I'm like "what is your sign?!" She says Scorpio and I just shut down. Scorpio flocks to me like it's nobody's business. I met her again tonight. I'm so damn confused. Because after I met her we've been texting and I went home excited, and then reality set in and I was over it. I wanted no part in that transaction. For some reason I still hold out for November. Wondering what's gonna happen with Ly. I always seem to put everyone second for her.  This girl resembles her, why not be with the real thing. Well it's her lameness that I question. So what if November 9th comes and there she is. I know we'll spark. We have that about us. But I can't keep lying to myself... Anyway, A Scorpio? I need that intensity but I'm scared as fuck. And at this moment, I'm confused. What is dating? what is a relationship? I don't know what I have left to give. I make her nervous. I'm like dude relax. I don't make people nervous I'm just elyse like it's really nothing. I wanted her and now I don't want her. But then I see her again tonight and I'm like idk what to think. I want to scream and shout. Bleeding from my eyes I'm paralyzed! I'm stuck. I don't want a relationship.  I like the idea but I don't. Or do I.
     I've never belonged to anyone. I guess I kinda want to belong to someone. I want someone to want all of me. Good/bad.  Beautiful/ ugly.  Hot/ cold. Every thing! Idk what a relationship is idk what's a good one. Are we talking? Are we not? I thought she wasn't interested but she just kept saying I make her nervous. I see myself with her in a way that says I don't.  Another Scorpio. She doesn't seem anything like lord voldemort yet there are small links. And the small links mess me up more. (Fell asleep writing this! Good mourning). I just don't know what I want. So I ask for everything.... In albany I remember turning to tiff, at work after seeing my students dad, and saying I want to date a 40+ 50 man. Just once just to say I did it... Well there he is a Belgian cyclist, kinda really good looking and I'm like nope. Well more like "maybe, I doubt it, uh idk"... Anyway. I guess my being on the fence Is good cuz I'll slow it down. I got the thumbs up from my friends. And naturally from hers. Gay men love me it's not fair to go off of, Wait yes it is!
    Would I be crazy if I said I'm over it. Like I just thought about it. :-x I'm like the little kid from the incredibles.
Dad: Hey kid! What are you waiting for?
Kid: I dunno, something amazing I guess.

Elle? You're ridiculous...

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Calling your name- Anomaly
Clarity- Zedd

Jump

      Could I be crazy enough to actually go through with this? As pondered over good food and hard cider. I think I just might. If I give myself til June. Truthfully I don't want to wait that long. I don't like to wait. I made a commitment like just made a commitment so I need to honor it. But seriously what does commitment weigh these days anyway. I have my rational mind then I have my Disney mind. Which is a head full of dreams and a heart as big as the moon. But I've been turning dreams into reality lately. Do I wait to see the dreams I've conjured up manifest or do I abandon them to makes new ones. A shark dies if he doesn't keep swimming. And I. Feel like a statue... My rational mind is saying. Don't get carried away. Finish one thing before you pick up another. Ppl are counting on you. But I'm young.
       There's a fire and I'm drawn to it. It will burn but at least I'll have a story to tell. I'm always cautious Cathy but I'm feeling a way. I wanna stick my middle finger in the air and say fcuk you. I wanna dance in the rain naked. I wanna be free and not feel bounded by anything or anyone.
   The other night I had a dream that floated around in a yard naked in fact I purposely took my clothes off to prance around in public naked! And I did so with my head high. And whenever I felt the need to cover myself. I did so the way I wanted to and when I wanted to. It felt amazing. Growing up my naked dreams were filled with angst and panic. Over the years they began to shift.
      Am I crazy enough to do this? Well define crazy. If by crazy you mean fearless and goes after what she wants. Then yes I'm defying gravity. I'm fucking crazy! Shit it's not like anybody really understands half the shit I do anyway. I don't make sense to you shit don't make sense to myself. This is one "impulse" I want to act on, I will do this! I'll blueprint for a year but keep my eyes open and my nose sharp for now. I'm way too excited!! (Devilish laugh)




*Elysium

Current song(s):
Defying gravity-wicked
Jump- Madonna
Strut- cheetah girls
Alive- krewella

Come down.

    I'm slowly coming down off this high. My birthday was amazing! Everything felt great. I didn't turn off any of social media pages. I just let the good times roll, I'm worth it. I deserve it. Everything worked out and everytime I could see myself getting tense or upset I didn't. I pushed through. Omg for the first time in a long time I couldn't step in that hallway at my grandmas house. It shook me. They're watching me and they're here. And they wanted me to have an amazing birthday and I did. Peach thinks it's because it's libra season but you know what? it's always libra season. Haha, I'm coming down and it's not a crash. It's like the scene of willy wonka and the chocolate factory where they stole fizzy lifting drinks .... Burping was there way to come down. But they came down slowly and safely. Yea all that!
      I think the sleep had everything to do with it. Sleep is my saving grace. Idk why but it reminds me  of Coraline. When she starts to see the other side. Hahaha. After this run on Saturday. I can coast. And relax. My head is everywhere, all over the place, whilst I'm thankful for every up and down that transpires and Boston really being my home. I still need to stay true to every emotion that I feel, pour out a liquor for the homies and then carry on.
    Right now the dust is settling and it's still a little hazy but I know it's settling. A while ago I wrote a blog called "in a perfect world..." Which still is like my favorite blog, but with that blog in mind there is a level of disappointment that follows. I can truly say that she is just a disappointment. Either way you look at it, it's disappointing. I hate investing my time only for it go in vain and wasted. I wish you can insure time. This lingering sullen feeling just leaves such a mark. More than any blade could leave. Yet I know that this feeing only occurs because of me.  No one is doing any of this but me. I can't control things happening to me. And they will happen. But I can have an active hand in how long I choose to let things affect me or how I can channel this whole thing. And then songs like wrecking ball and clarity play and I have pure legit moments with strangers that just give me so much life but speake sooo much truth. And there I am feeling. Disappointment is the most prevelant. It's beyond words. But her fucked up head isn't your problem elyse! And you'd think you'd see that after all the love and positivity you've received since her. I know you want her on your journey and every great moment you experienced and will experience you want her present. But she doesn't want to be present. And you can't make her. In the words of Lauren Conrad "she's a sucky person!" She's madonna's song... FROZEN. She's shown her ass more times than a little bit. Let her go. She ain't shit. And shes not your problem. You're not hers, you've died a long time ago. Yes you've seen that side that not many if any have seen you were damn near conjoined at the hips, but you're not the one, you're not neo, and even if you were she'd fight that truth til her death. Why would you want to be with a person like that. One who says things like... Nope not going there. Her words are shit,  she's left negative debris in your energy. You need to clean that shit out, You're fine and you know it. Remember let go... Let God...

*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball: Miley Cyrus
Humming- Portishead
Hayling- FC kahuna

Lord, give me strength...

      And as I got off the phone, all I could think was "lord give me strength..." I don't think I need patience I was rather patient. But there I am again feeling fucked. And I really don't want him in my life. I don't want to care for him and his existence anymore. Talk about bitch don't kill my vibe... He really likes to ruin the hell out of shit. This is why I don't like to know things. Can I go back to the age where my mom did everything to keep his dirt away from me? Because now I'm at that age where  he includes us in his nonsense. I don't feel strong enough to go through this. I'm not sure if I ever will,  I sure hope I do. Like this whole time I really thought he knew better than to come to me with that nonsense. Well he tried and I tried to shut it down. I'm up here like wait time out do I need to block his number? I just might. He gets under my skin. Rather foolish of me to put so much faith in people. He's such a lost cause. I don't want him in my life. Clearly I don't know how to handle it. And I shouldn't have teach myself how to brace my feelings whenever I hear all the tom foolery.
 I love being a person who cares. I can honestly say that I care for a lot of people. And when I care for a person it's soo hard. But some people don't deserve it.
     Fuck now here's where I get confused, Because now I'm thinking. That's all people need is for somebody to truly and genuinely care about them. Everyone wants somebody to care. To know that in this world they matter to someone, so we can't turn our backs and neglect, but there are people so damn damaged that it's like a sickness to hurt the ones they love. They start to see things one dimensionally. It's about "me" and what can this world give me. And well, everyone has that air to them,it's our drive, but when you're fucked in the head it crosses that line. You don't see anybody but yourself, lies you've repeated in your head start to sound like the truth and every action is some form of manipulation... I'm a fucking sucker. I'd like to say I was done with this but I'm most likely not. :-(


*Elyse

Current song (s):

Over- Portishead
Machine Gun- Portishead
Hunter- Portishead
Magic Doors- Portishead

Carry on.

       Boston couldn't be any more beautiful than on a rainy day. Let's face it I'm such a romantic. Idk why but I feel like Boston is so romantic when it's raining. We've got Charlie Brown playing on the screen at my job. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy. And as I look over at him, Locks of golden brown, eyes so crystal. Tall and lanky yet some how sturdy. Strong features he coasts.he's absolutely perfect. Quirky, humble a thirst for life like none other. I paint him in a way only Leonardo or michelangelo would. But I know for sure I fell for the idea. And whilst his exterior is every girls' dream. His reality is not mine. For as giddy as I feel when I'm with him and as cozy as I feel whenever I put my arms around him... I walk away. It's best I don't walk that road. These blurred lines. He blurs the hell out of them... I just, ya know, I don't know. I'm gonna ... Idk whatever

*Elyse

Current song (s):
 Sail- awolnation

Wrecking ball.

       I should be sleep right now but there's just so much on my mind. And truthfully, I've been slightly confused. This too shall pass. By golly gosh George, it had better! Because at this point there's not much left to say. And well there is something to be said. Those words go in vain. And let us all be honest. They all ready did. Shiiiiiiiittttttttt. Leave it to a libra to feel every possible moment all at one time. Fcuk that, not only do we feel everything all at once but we feel everything other people feel as well. It's system over load.
     This is most likely a passing moment. So I'll be sad and confused and insist upon a message that may or may not exist. I must tell myself that there was no secret message and carry on. My gut feelings have hardly been wrong. Especially when it's something bad, and my system wont let up. It needs to. It needs to quick.  Because even if my gut is right, like I said, it's a dead end.
     And as I spoke with trendy, she let me know I was not alone. We're a strong bread of women, we're intimidating, yes, but that doesn't mean that there isn't anybody out there for us. Hamme1 said the same thing earlier today. It's just time to set our sights higher. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find. You know I'll never be famous. Why? Because I can't " come in like a wrecking ball" and then start apologizing for it. I wreck it! Consciously and subconsciously. I wreck shit. I come in and I fuck shit up! I was born to be that way. But my "insecurities" have me feeling bad for shit because others aren't comfortable. THATS NOT MY PROBLEM. You don't like my tutus? Too bad. Or my wigs? Too bad! Or the fact that I'm a gogo dancer or I dance on bars and stages when I go out? That's too damn bad! And yet I apologize for my being? I know how to be other things because honestly I am all of it. But I'm not just one thing. That's sooo boring. I'm like a one woman show.
      All these words to convince myself that I'm worthy of love. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dream. I'm not tangible to folks. I really should not be knocking it, it's what I've wanted. I mean I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to cry when I was with trendy. Yes I'm a cryer! I cry at everything. Mainly pure happiness. But there are things bursting inside. My new blonde hair I feel even more supernatural. Like you can't touch me. I feel spicey! Like I'm in your face! What now?!! Come at me bro! I'm recieving great energy. Boston is molding me. I guess in the moldingization I'm so overtaken that I'd really like to put my arms around someone, cuz I Just realized my feet were off the ground as I looked down, and in effort to not panic there you are so I hold tight and you say... Can I keep you??? And then shit gets mad real. My family really is all I have right now. Which is fine. Smoke screens gone. I am but a dream. And to her a mere ghost. It's all real. If you believe in those things. And even if you do, it's all in your mind. I need to be okay with that. I have to be okay with that. It's already transpiring. Wait I'm buggin' I need to take myself to sleep!



*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus

Somewhere else

     (Sigh) I'm feeling the itch again. Didn't you just move to Boston?... Yes. And you want to move again? ...Yes. I think the longer I stay in one place the more suseptable I am to settling down. To settle down is to settle period. I don't want to settle. My purpose on this earth is not to be in a relationship, I just know it. I'm meant to spread beauty, show people their true inner most capabilities. Rattle peoples feathers by holding a mirror up to them. It's frightening to come face to face with your fears in a way that's beautiful, it's death defying boarder line suicide. I don't want to be saught after. Well I do and it's rather nice. But I also don't want to get caught up. And I unfortunately that started to happen. Yeaup I'm gonna cut that shit out quick. Idk why I was so put off, But I was, I completely lost my appetite. I was that "red head" I met a long time ago. The only difference is I forced myself to look at this chick and they're not together it was his ex, anyway the more I did the further my appetite was, I felt myself go on lockdown. It solidified, yet again, what I was knowing all along. She couldn't look me in the eye because she laid feelings within ex. And she couldn't acknowledge my presence because she didn't care for my presence. Real shit. And tonight, whilst I'm just a friend, I didn't care for his exes presence whether they're just hooking up for shits and giggles or not. I did feel some type of way. And that's not right. So we're gonna go ahead and not entertain that idea. You can love me all you want but I want nothing to do with feelings. And the longer I stay somewhere the weaker my stand is on being in a relationship. I need to keep going, keep moving. No new friends. Keep my eye on me and the takingoverization. I also don't really care too much for my "hype": please stop confessing your love for me. Seriously leave me alone cuz you're doing my friend and you think I don't know. I'm not laughing with you I'm laughing at you. Because now I feel like twisting the knife. So if you like me, do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut.
     Idk I'm in a solo mindset right now. Today I seriously contemplating quitting my job. Not because I don't like it but because I want to keep moving, I want to travel, I want to go to Barcelona I wanna be somewhere else. I'm young I want to live while I'm young so I know how when I'm older. I don't want to be involved in triangles and cliques. I don't want to fall for anyone. I don't want to entertain any of those thoughts, they lead me nowhere. I get distracted and it sets me back. Career comes first, not a relationship, not a family not children! Luckily my wall isn't shattered much. I rebuild and keep it moving. I'm not interested. Stay focused elle, for real.
      I guess I'm just disappointed maybe it's nieve of me to always believe in what people say to me. But I have to remember they're just words and people use them as weapons because clearly they're actions say something opposite. Maybe I'll try to look at it like "the I girl I want I can't have, so I'll settle for basic and or easy..." That's one way to look at it. Ha

I dunno whatever

*ELyse

Current song(s):

Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris feat Florence
Fly- Hilary duff
No Good Deed- Wicked soundtrack
I'm not that Girl- Wicked
Secret Door- Evanescence
Street lights- Kanye west
   

Full of shit!

     I think promises are SHIT!! People have gotten crafty and no longer use the word "promise" but a promise is formulated by "concrete" phrases like "I will", or "no matter what" etc. And then we like to reference the future or some sort of vague time frame like always or forever etc. As if we're philosophizers or some shit and it grinds my gears. We feel so strongly in the moment and start lobbying our love and content for one another that we just go saying the shit we think people want to hear. But there's more damage done that way and now you're trying to do damage control by saying I meant it then. Hmmm. Maybe promises aren't shit...maybe, people are full of shit. Things change, so I'm told. And me being queen of fickle, I should know. How you feel one moment may not be how you feel the next. Or maybe it is and people, again are so full of shit, tell you one thing and intend to do the other.  But I also don't go making promises to someone knowing how shifty I can be.  I feel very jumbled and turned about in my head right now. I hate relational promises " I love you always" " I will always love you" "I will always be there for you" "best friends forever" "...Through thick and thin" "nothing will come between us". "I'm not going anywhere, I will spend the rest of my life showing you..." Those phrases strike a nerve with me. Maybe because I hold people to their words. And then they usually negate them by saying "times changed" or again "I meant that then". But before you told me you meant that forever?!
       I don't like being left. So I won't even let you in. You'll look at me as the Girl from Ipanema. But keep it the fuck moving you can't handle this. And I think people start lying to themselves so they make promises to me trying to persuade me when they're really trying to persuade themselves. And that's why I don't like promises my two most bestest friends have never made promises to me and they never will because they know shit happens so don't go putting your foot in your mouth.
      Quick off topic yet relative to the message example: at my job we don't quote wait times. The second you quote a wait time is the second people start to hold you to it. And if a table is not ready in 15mins or a half hour they will be in your face about it because essentially you lied. And I totally get this transaction. Because now I feel stupid as Kanye would say "waiting on a dream that will never come true". And there I am a 25 year old feeling like that 8 year old on ferris ave waiting with her sisters for her father that never showed. That's that shit I don't like. Just don't say shit. Don't talk about it be about it. Forever is a mighty long time. Then I have to have these "interventions" with my friends as they try to deprogram my way of thinking. If I hear one more damn time  "things change.." " things change " " THINGS CHANGE" I'm gonna lose it!!! In these cases things don't change and neither do the people. Things don't change, they never were. And that's why people are full of shit! You make promises hoping it gains peoples trust and faith in you and then act like oh idk why you're so stuck on what I said that was then and this is now. I changed my mind. No you only say shit like that because things are great  and you're hoping you never have to experience the negative because you're word should be enough. So when it comes time to really show what matters  it's like fuck it! If they couldn't tell that I meant I was loyal and that I'm ride or die all day every day.  Then I'm not gonna try. I'm out.  And then start walking around with their chest pumped up like these bitches don't know how I am, I'm mad loyal they don't know shit.  Ummmm but what are your actions showing though! Okay. I think it's okay to say I love you or I got your back or you're like my sister. But all that extra shit like forever always til the end of time. The only one I want (especially when you have no lived long enough to know what's out there) is a show and now you're just playing house. You're playing a role of something you saw when you were younger and you think it's right.
    I don't know what it is about this day in age but there is no authenticity. (As if to assume I was alive for many generations ha so I could be completely wrong) but from stories of my grandparents era it seemed like when people wanted something they worked for it. I want your trust, your friendship or hand in marriage. It was something you had to work for. People were concerned about their family name and making sure you did not destroy all the foundation that they have built. Maybe I'm completely wrong. But words like loyalty and respect just seem to be an idea and not a reality. Or it's like I'm loyal until... Or we're friends until...  It's like we're all politicians in our own right. We all give these speeches and decrees that disclose "who we are" because it sounds good, we'd all like to believe that we are the realest of the real and it is our responsibility to expose all that is unjust and fake. We are the "divinity". But we wont put the work and it goes out the window.  Words are easier to say. So we throw them around yet they are the hardest to swollow. I hope  guys carry  salt or hot sauce.

*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Get the Thera flu...

       I worked a double today. Fcking ugh. This bitch is so damn sick it's not even funny. On my break today I sat with bohemian rhapsody and completely curled up under him. I had to apologize for it. I'm not usually so needy but I couldn't and didn't want to pull away. It got me to thinking, it's not the medication that always does the trick, it's the love and affection that you get from the one who's taking care of you. And sometimes you just want a person there to give you some type of affection. Maybe that's the medication you need. Cuddling does prove to be good for you. And hugs have been everything for me at the moment. I've been told that I give great hugs, it's almost become my mission, to spread love with one of my hugs lol. Like I've mentioned before I like people to feel safe and free and relaxed in my arms. I don't hug everyone only those deserving. Anyway. All that to say I'm very nurturing and maternal and now that I'm sick I'd really love that back. Like when you're a kid. It was your mothers love and touch that bought you back to good health. Well now as I get older I don't want my mothers touch I want that persons touch. I want them to care for me like a mother would but the touch should be from that person, you know. THAT person. But I could never say it. I want someone to stroke my face or yell at me when I'm being stubborn. I can be pretty difficult so you have to be strong and understand the balance I need. Man I tell you I require a lot. It's because I'm the baby isn't it. Lol oy!
       I spoke to Ly today and she's like am I gonna have to come take care of you and I just started thinking man I'd love that. In fact I'd even go to prov cuz I have some days off. But again I could and would not ever tell her I need her or ask her how she would feel if I came to prov. I'll just heal on my own. I work tomorrow but I have the next two days off. I'll have to get better on my own.! I'm so clingy right now. Ugh I hate being sick. Whatever

*elyse

Finding elysium.

        After a long day I found myself getting carried away on the dance floor. I feel like this point of my life should be called Finding elle. Or discovering elysium or Boston oh idk, but I say that because now I'm finding my interests. I've been looking for a place to go dancing. I don't mean bump and grind I mean partner, slow dance. Well tonight I went out with my coworkers for a birthday celebration. It was salsa,meringue etc music all night. I was nervous at first and then I just jumped right in. It was amazing! I was literally swept off my feet. My legs and thighs were burning. I was being spun around in circles and held and guided. I laughed and smiled all night.
      I had to really allow myself to be led. To trust my partner. I'm so used to just jumping in and taking the lead. I lead even when I'm following. But as the night went on I let go a little more. Especially when I danced bacciatta. It was so sensual. Once I dropped my guard I felt so light. I danced with my coworkers friend and he smelled of freshman year of college. I closed my eyes and fell into his arms something fierce. I caught myself and realized where I was and he's like no holding me is fine and we laughed. I like when I can just have fun and not be so closed off. I shut myself off a lot and it stifles me. I was a free spirit dancing in the wind. Alex danced with me and was coaching me, telling me not to look at my feet once I stopped I swayed and floated. I allowed him to completely have control all I had to do was move my hips and he took care of the rest.
        Dancing puts everything in perspective for me. Really learning how to not be in control and learning to relax and then understanding the feelings that transpired once you allowed yourself to free up. And know how to have a great time without being drunk. Tonight was everything and I need to do it again.
       I haven't been so close to a male in such a sensual way, flirting, laughing etc. in a really long time. the smell of their cologne the confidence to lead and dominate but also be gentle. Idk what's happening but Boston is really doing things for me right now. I find myself being game for a lot of stuff. If the wind blows I'll follow it. I'm having so much fun just letting my hair down. Not worried about nothing but enjoying being life as it comes.
     Well except for being sick. But I'll get over it, I'm having too much fun putting myself out there. And taking risks.

* Elyse

Current song (s):

Hayling: FC kahuna

Free up

       Like I seriously need a cleansing. In need to rinse my soul out with some shit. I just need a reup. I mean I can't be miss social butterfly all the time. I want to sit in my room with a being and be quiet. No talking just being. And if I happen to find myself under your arm. Don't hold me with your arms just pull me with your spirit. Reassure me gain my trust with your aura. Don't be too eager. Just fall into it. Sometimes it the absence of words that draw us closer. Making you kindred souls on a journey of enlightenment. And yet somehow I think I'm on a playing field all by myself. In this case beggers should be choosers. I can't take sacred moments like this from anybody. So this may mean that I give out more hugs at work than normal. But I can't have just anyone. Which makes it dangerous. It's a powerfully intense moment sometimes. So I wind up walking away. Shutting it off. Maybe I should stop turning it off. But really I'm not for everyone. Not everyone can handle it. It reminds me of "tattoos". I didn't know anyone could kiss with such intensity. You only see that in movies and there I was in that movie lost in a moment, a drunk moment of passion. Where everyone could see and I could only see her and truthfully sometimes I couldn't even see her. I was just there and happy to be there. At one point we just our foreheads together and I just got weaker. She's a damn phantom. That shit was unreal unlike anything I've felt before. Not from a kiss. But enlightening. I want that all over again.  But like I said i don't want that from anyone. Some energies are tainted and they leave filth in yours and that's not always easy to remove. I need a serious detox.

         My body wanted soo bad to cuddle with my coworker. I needed that attention. Swerve! I dodged it. Ended up saying no. It's been so long sooooo long but um the warning signs had to be honored cuz it would get strange. Our auras are both too dangerous for words. She reminds me of myself back in the day. And I can still be like that, which is why I don't drink too often because the fangs want to come out and the black widow wants to strike. She's like that too. So let's not and never say we did. It's too easy. And when it's too easy... It's not for me. I can be very strict with myself. Maybe now is the time to not be. At the moment I can't bring myself to do that. I'm very susceptible to bullshit. And I'd really rather not.  

           That whole rant for no reason I just want to be around good vibrations and rid myself of lingering tastes in my mouth. I'm not going to that party. It's not where I need to be. Carry on.

*elyse

Current sing(s): 

hayling- FC kahuna 

Butterfly- bass nectar 

Sail- awolnation 

     

       

I'm definitely in my zone!

           Yeaup mom dukes doesn't make this any easier. But it's good to know that she approves. My mom is soo special to me so I'm glad she got to come and meet everyone that's special to me and they treated her like a queen. My mom is THE shit, having her up here being cute and such I couldn't deal with her! *wait time out! So she just bought this snake skin print dress that I made her get because she looked amazing! I've never seen her look so young and light and stress free! Now that she doesn't have to parent much because we've gotten to that age, she's just enjoying her life as she needs to be. She's worked hard, I love to see her this way and I love to show her off! I'm so proud of her. So naturally I take her opinion very seriously. I spoke to her about bohemian rhapsody on the way up. And she loves the sound of him. We laughed about my fickle heart because she knows the way to have me is " to not want me". And she's like "oh no! I have to tell him not to ever tell her you like her or she's gone!" She's like please don't go "nils" on this poor kid. Nils is a kid I was obsessed with, I went out of my way to make him like me and the second he did I was over it. Then years later we reconnected I did the same thing. It was like cat nip and I was like nope change my mind. Ew. But he was and is beautiful. Just didn't want it anymore. Any who later that night I took my mom to the beat hotel and she got to meet him and she's like "um if you don't tap that I will!" Clearly as a joke. But she's like this guy is perfect for you right know. He's eating your food (I hate when people touch my plate) he's drinking your drinks putting his arms around you and you fit right into it. It looked natural, it's the way you looked with the J. She's like I'm not saying you will get married but he's perfect for you right now. And I think he's tryna get an invite to the next holiday meal. My mom just sat giving me advice as a friend and less as a mother. It's amazing to see her this way. She's a smart ass woman she knows what she's talking about she's brilliant. Now I'm sitting here really trying to put him out of mind. He's not my type. He's an amazing friend. But he's got a lot of guppies on his plate, I'm kinda like the salmon. There's no room for that. Is it really possible for me to just be his friend. I think I was good until people started commenting the amount of which we hang out. He's just easy to hang out. My admiration is a curse. To EVERYBODY. I really will fight deeper feelings for him cuz it's just not, no! I need my own strength right now. Tap into my own capabilities. And on that note:
            My dream last night was a recap of all my emotions and mainly bohemian Rhapsody. And honestly I'm so happy Boston is my home.  I hate sometimes and it scares me probably more than NY, but with work life I've created such a family and to have my mom witness it and tell me that she approves and the fact that she loves coming up here to visit me, I feel complete. The only thing i want to say is that I enjoy B.R's company, he's like everything. I love him! but I dont want to put more into it than necessary. I'm going to rock this agency, reminding them of why they need me and signing me was the right choice. ANDDD I can't wait for Barcelona, I know it's gonna happen. It gets closer and closer the more I put that energy out there. Shoot I've been watching cheetah girls 2 non stop, in fact I'll put it on right now because All things are possible through The Lord. And he Has been looking out for me all along. And if he wants me with Bohemia then that's what I'll do. But the takingoverization is staring me in the face and I need to DO WORK!!!

*Elyse

Current songs (s):

Breathe- Telepopmusik
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik

This too shall pass...

          Yeaup I kinda didn't want that to happen. I'm trying so hard to look forward I've got my hand up so I don't look at the peripherals but its inevitable. Nope nope I can't look into his direction. Okay really though who am I kidding I've thought about it. But I really thought I was over it. Now peach has me questioning it again. He's my bohemian rhapsody, I love him so much. I'm such a softy when it comes to him. But he's really just a friend. I can't go down that route. But he is beauty personified. He's devastating. Perfection in every way and yet so totally not my type. Peach nearly fell out when I showed her what he looked like. Believe me, I flutter everytime I see him. Dammit everyone does! But I don't think we're for each other. He holds my hand and I don't know how to interpret it. We went to our sister restaurant and he got extremely PDA with me and I actually was uncomfortable. Because around that time everyone was making mention of the fact that we're "always" together. He's really just my friend. I love him so much but I will not cross that line. I think because I love him so much. He's amazing, but the second I think about him as more than that I get jealous. He can't be tamed. And I don't want to do that. We all think he's beautiful. But it's just a bad idea. I'm just in a very needy and affectionate place. Ugh idk. But I ain't going there!!! Nope I refuse. It fux everything up.
          But I'm happy I could even talk to peach about him and other passer by's. I've really missed her. She like raised me!!! I lost her for a few years and honestly that shit hurt. I wanted to share her with the world. I wanted ppl to see her the way I did growing up. We drifted so far apart. I was going through it and so was she and she still kind of is but she's in a better place. To be around someone that knows me to a T is comforting, we laughed about everything I didn't want to leave. I felt like I got my peach back. She tunes me in to myself. It was what I needed, that, and also i don't know when I'm gonna be able to get back to see her and if she'll still be in that house.
           I feel like I let my grandma go yet somehow the idea of not having that house grinds me. My mom made her peace with it. But I have not. I'm gonna be so sick when the house is gone. It's just not right. Yet the house has so much debt it's not worth keeping and peach doesn't have the money to keep it. It really sux and I have to get over it. I'm just not the best with getting over things. And suddenly I'm remembering everything and I don't want to. The house is the last thing too her and soon that will be gone. I can't think about it. I won't think about it. There's no point. Thinks is how I comfort myself. By saying "suck it up. These are the breaks..." Noooo. Nooooooo. Be strong, elle. This too shall pass.

*Elyse


Current song(s):
     This used to be my playground- Madonna
     Playground love-Air
     I need some sleep- the eels

Sail

         You ever drink alcohol and then have that nasty lingering taste in your mouth for the rest of the night, so now you're talking to people with stale breath. Like the drink was soo satsifying but the breath just ruins it. And the only way to get rid of it is to thuroughly brush your teeth rinse your mouth out and maybe eat something? Or you know when you eat food you shouldn't be, greasy and heavy crunchy saucy goodness, tastes good for a moment and then like after you eat it you're sluggish, and feeling groggy and just down right lazy and that lingers until you have to shit. I have that feeling currently but like I didn't drink or eat anything too heavy. I just feel a negativity hanging over me. I really just like need a cleansing. I just have such a nasty taste in my mouth. I went through my computer and like just cleared everything. A lot of deletion transpired. And it kinda felt good it was kind of really good. But I know there's a lot more that needs to be deleted. When I get my new computer I don't want any of that shit on there. I went and bonded with my sister over a workout at the damn. With my fresh sneakers! I hit so many personal goals. I know it's small but I held a plank for a minute. Twice! I did insanity crunches AND I sang whilst I ran. Which is so challenging, not only did I sing but I sang demi lovato's unbroken and my breath was pretty solid and consistent. These pole classes are really paying off. And I'm really happy about it. Between bonding with my mom and working out with my sisters and then feeling this horrible nagging feeling about something. It's probably he who shall not be named. But I really just want to detox. And as I drop butter off at the train station I drive home pensive. Txting my friends and loved ones with reminders of how much I truly love them. Because I just don't say it often. I get out of the car and there it is ORION'S belt.
         There's always been a strong connection with me and Orion's belt. It's from MIB. There's always a scene that recite everytime. In fact because of this scene my stepdad thought I should go into acting once he saw me do this whole scene. But it's the scene where the alien in the guys face was telling will smith where the galaxy is. It is my FAVORITE scene! But for the longest time I didn't know that onions belt was in the constellation or is one idk how to say that correctly. I became so obsessed with it, what it looked like etc. and once I found it I never lost it again. I wasn't good at finding the dipper and etc. so once I did I always got all fuzzy inside. And then sitting under the stars trying to name them just became my thing. It reminded me of sitting outside with my mom during the blackout. Or in 7th grade sleeping over my BFFs house and we'd go to pathmark's parking lot lay under the stars. They just do shit for my soul and it never left me. Clearly because tonight and last night I look out and imediately Orion finds me. My moms garden reminds me of like this whole other world. And to look up at the stars and the moon. Takes me to a place so familiar and warm inside. I wish I was happy when I saw it. Instead I just thought of Ly.
           That girl drives me nuts. I always say I'm so done with her but she comes back and I can't stay mad at her. I even asked my sister what does this all mean, they're both gemini's. she made a quick re-entrance back in my life and as quick as she's there she's gone again. I don't like when she leaves but yet some how I'm there when she returns. Even when I don't want to be. We're just so on when we are. I hear her voice and I feel calm again. Or course she's a Gemini, usually gemini's capture me in a way that says I will put up with your shit, even when I tell you I won't. They make me feel relaxed and myself. It never fails. But when we're not talking its sooooo frustrating. All the times Ly got on my nerves I couldn't stay mad she's just too... Her. She gives me word vomit. I express myself, and then it scares her. Ugh. It's frustrating because I know I scare her. I'm not that average girl and it freaks her out. I'd really like to talk to her. But I'm so fickle I just need to wait until November. If she's not with anyone and I'm not expecting to be, I'll see what happens. She pulls the rug from under me. It was so great to know that while I danced on Ptown and even in NYC, but mainly Ptown, that I could dance and these girls would be in awe with me but that I had someone to go to at night. She doesn't know it but i still have the roses she sent me, and the letter she left me while I was sleep and
she went to work. I wish we could get that together. But I doubt that so I'll just put that out of my mind for now or forever. I miss her so much.  We drive each other mad.


*Elyse


Current song(s):

Sail- awolnation
A beautiful mess- Jason Mraz

To be continued.

         Tonight I gave my name and number to a cop. But it wasn't for dinner and drinks. Deep in thought as I left stiletto. Trying to figure out the range of emotion the music left me in. And I stop because a girl is topless with no shoes asking for help. She's on this girls phone, who I assumed to be her friend. Of course I imediately think "ugh drunk white girls" but I also noticed the man I saw with OD plumbers crack no charging at her aggressively trying to force her in the house. So I stopped and realized she's trying to get away. And the girl she was with was not her friend but a passer by. A bunch of us stepped in. Until the cops came. We stayed for a few. And honestly I have no idea what I feel about it. Completely confused. I was apart of a group called STARs Students Terminating Abusive Relationships. And the one thing I knew, was that this probably isn't over. I'm looking at his face as he's in handcuffs and her hysterical. And I'm thinking, she'll go back to him. I couldn't help but wonder if we made it better or worse. But she needed help and I couldn't look away. Diva gave the girl her sweater but was also like talking to the guy inside the building. Was this a routine? Was she crying wolf? I don't care not on my watch. I'm not taking chances. It is a sticky situation. And he'll know where to find her when they release him. I pray for their shenanigans to end.
         I trailed so far behind diva and butter. I just needed to think, to feel. I wanted to continue dancing. Sometimes I just need to dance things through. There's a song that I bought its been on repeat so hard. And it's stuck in my head. I'm thinking I need to rent studio space and just go HAM. I'm so tired of thinking. I'm really tired of talking. This morning jaff is like do you always look like you're deep in thought. And I'm like shit! But I really always am. I'm "always" checked out. I think I came off like I was interested. But I was just in my head trying to see if I could create a life for us and I didn't see it. And again it's not cuz I'm not interested, but yet again I go for the girl that lives no where near me. But she's hella adorable. I'm totally her type. And I completely shut the door. There's no use in getting excited about it. I think my guard was way up today. It showed. But I was so excited to see her that when I finally did I was like stone.
          I just feel like for right now it's not in my cards, there's so much that needs to get accomplished right now. Pretty much ain't nobody got time for that. But in turn you do wish you had someone to go to bed with at night. And right now it just seems like everyone is just out doing each other and I'm not about that life. It's sloppy and unoriginal and uninspiring. So I've been closing doors. And some I don't even bother to answer. Ugh I have more to write but I can't keep my eyes open, which I'm glad that this time I'm in my bed and not behind the wheel.
Til next time


*elyse

Current song(s):

Sail- awolnation
Radioactive- imagine dragons

Here's some T

      Hmm I'm wondering if I should be upset. I'm taken a back. But not for the obvious. I guess I didn't realize I was so controversial. I'm but a mere ghost and yet I still anger people. And my first reaction is sorry, I'm not sorry. I will not turn down just because it makes someone uncomfortable. The issue is not me the issue is your own insecurity. I was told once "if you knock on the devils door, who do you expect to answer?" Truth mother fuckin serum! But in figuring out what my journey is. I've realized I'm not as invisible as I thought I was. That little girl in middle is not a little girl anymore. And if my "presence" makes you angry. That's not my issue. And for once I don't want to have control over how  I make anyone feel! You have your opinion. But this is not the complain department. I don't need to talk about "the type of person I am". It will be misconstrued anyway. So I laugh. A chuckle. And then do my "demented stripper" dance. I don't take back anything! For every time I've cried over "lord voldamort" I felt more beautiful. There's something so beautiful and forgiving about vulnerability. Baring your soul, saying what you have to say and doing so without feeling regrets. That's for me not anybody else. I'm tired of holding my tongue. So much so I almost cursed my manager out. Needless to say we stayed out of each others way. But he loves me and I love him. He's a good dude. And we carry on. My cabaret show this past July. I bared it all. They were either laughing so hard they cried or they were crying period. I was raw and I was me. I'm troubled chic and Make that work.
So Thursday was Burlesque night. And man I gotta tell you I wanted to be on that stage so hard. There was an electricity in me that sparked a flame. In these last few years I've been realizing I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. In my own way. As long as its tasteful. Hahahaha. I'm not like extreme but I put myself out there for me to get nervous. Boston has really been inspiring great things in me. The takingoverization is commencing. And apparently has been for a while ha! What can I say I'm a Hamme bird. I have magic powers. Apparently I really do. I think we all do. More so its what you allow people to have over you. I did not single handedly do anything. But if you need yet another person to blame shit on. Then yes you can blame it on me, set your guilt free. I can only imagine all the shit Taylor swift gets for songs. I'll know what that's like soon. A girl once told me, nope actually two girls told me, on seperate occasions. That I'm a fighter. They didn't know me that well but they told me I was fighter. Me being down on myself I didn't believe them. But when I look back on everything I realized I haven't lost my muchness. And I will never compromise that, whether there it's a dancing gig, makeup gig, singing etc. I will never give up on myself again. And any friend that confides their deepest secrets I will not give up on them. I'll piss people off,  and I'll inspire others. But I will be who I am for me. I will not curb my enthusiasm hahaha
          The Portishead is like everything for me right now, there's been so much excitement today. From the funeral to a hectic night at work. Now I'm heading back to NY. So many adventures lined up. I'm spinning. It's time for a nap honey boo boo child.

*Elyse

Current song (s):

Hayling- FC Kahuna
Gravediggers song: Mark Lanegan Band
Sail- awolnation (ps this song is EVEYTHING)

Push Through

     And today I found myself reciting those words back to myself. "Push through". I found myself wanting her advice, wanting to talk to a friend. What did she have to say about this matter? And in response I said "push through". I got up and got moving. I called the agency and as I was ready to turn down their signing. They weren't ready to let me walk out. I'm rejoicing. And then Mind would go back to bell but I would tell myself. Push through! Shaq is sad about it. She doesn't want me to give up. She doesn't want me to say that's it I've had it. And whilst I don't want to I'm afraid I have no choice. I won't attend casies party, no matter how much I want to. It hurts to see someone and have them ignore you. Then I'll be crushed for a whole nother (haha) week. If God wants me to go then he'll do that. But I'm not strong enough. Like I am but I just, I can't. I'm exhausted and frankly to hurt for that sort of nonsense. Sooooo....  I'm excited to go home I have three days off! So I'm leaving Boston late Saturday to get there Sunday morning, hopefully see Alex. I'm getting anxious. I want her to be what I'm imagining her to be. After she got stern with me today I was like yes ma'am!!! I'm also afraid I will really like her and she's gonna be too far from me. But non the less I'm going to look at her as a friend. Because I know myself. I'll see her and be like um yea no. I haven't seen her since Ptown. So lets not jump the gun. Then a photoshoot and stiletto that evening. I'm totes excited I could spit!
     I'll up date you on Alex. Hhaaaaa sooo much going on right now. So just Push through!

*Elysium

Current song (s):

You're right, I don't know you....

         You know it's serious when you call your sister to give you advice. Especially given the fact that ya'll never really got along. But I knew if anybody was gonna get through to me it would be her. And honestly, yet again she's just right... I've been plagued with "what ifs". Like what if its true? What if its not true? What if she meant it? She if she doesn't mean it? And the biggest one... What if she comes back?! She's not tho. But what if she does?! No but she's not tho. Never will and the major thing I've been doing is saying I just don't want her to come back when I'm with someone. Last night I had dream after dream after dream. At one point I woke up in a panic and checked my IG because I thought something was on it, that would kill me. There was nothing. I closed my eyes and I saw picture after picture of them in bliss and the whole time I'm thinking that's gonna be her girlfriend. This is the girl who's gonna replace me. Needless to say I did not sleep well if fact everytime I went back to sleep. I told myself you have to push through this. You've got be strong. It was such a hard night for me. I saw future pictures of them or made up pictures but I do believe that they will be an item. And yet again I'm the one that looks stupid. I almost sent another saying I love you and I never stopped. But I definitely need to. She has officially moved on. There's no need or want for me anymore. Really do get it. There's no way to get through to her. Because she doesn't want me to get through. As for casie's party yyeaup I doubt I'm going. I wanted to go to talk to her but no it's just not. No.


*Elyse


Current song(s):

I Gave you all- Mumford and Sons
Details in the Fabric- Jason Mraz

Wash it all away

       And as I lay in bed. Unwinding from the day. I realized I'm exhausted. I'm simply exhausted trying to pin point her every move, decipher her none existing codes. Tap into her brainwaves. As recent as a month and a half maybe two months ago it was said that she thinks I'm completely over it. And as recent as three weeks ago it was stated that she's having a difficult time getting over me. And as recent as two weeks ago that she's dating someone new. Someone I know and someone I'm not particularly found of. And this just doesn't help. I'm exhausted. Trying to play different scenarios of what could be going on or like how can I reach her. My number is blocked. She doesn't respond to emails and shit its really really cold in here! Shit I dead ass typed that! Crap I typed that too! Okay okay focus. There's gotta be a way to get through to her. But I'm really really growing weary. When I saw her it all went down hill. Like it did in Ptown. Like it did when her old boss decided to tell me she's moving back NYC. My fears are coming true like always with her. I'm nauseous. This will be a long winter. And I told myself that I would not bring this up to Boston. Leave this girl in New York and start anew. Where the fuck is she getting this "moved on" nonsense from. Talk to me! Right now I'm physically out of tears yet my soul is crying. And honestly that feels worse. Hol up I think my eyes just moistened a little. I hate that word moist blaahhh. I just feel sooo sore. My soul feels worped. I'd rather physically cry because at least you kinda feel good after. My soul hearts. And I know it because my dreams reflect it. I'm not sure of anything. Nothing at all. Well I'm sure that I'm exhausted yet I haven't exhausted the situation. I push myself to make these strides so she'd be proud so that I can learn be a better stronger person. If all of this is true and she's having a hard time or thinks I'm over it... Thought deleted. One part of me feels like "snuff" from slipknot... Another part of me feels like "no ordinary love"- Sade. And another feels like "October" and "wash it all away" from Evanescence. So what do I do know?? Follow her on IG? Her pictures are private CBS if I want to see them either, it might send me off. Do I see if my number is still blocked? Send an email that says I love you. And now I have a huge head ache. I just can't do this anymore. This thing will kill me. I'm so scared right now. I'm wicked scared :'-(


*Elyse


Current song

Wash it all away- Evanescence
October- Evanescence

Got dammit !!

     So I haven't been writing here because I've been writing in my journal. I've been consulting with friends, I've been with friends trying to get my life together. And it's not been. I love Boston but I'm feeling a way I'm feeling something. And mainly just sad. I can't even write in this stupid thing. I don't feel it. So you know what, here it is. If I could I talk to her: Bell I told you getting over you wasn't gonna be something I could do! Still haven't. Ugh I'm so frustrated. I'm so pissed. I'm hurt. Stop it, stop it, STOP! Fucking stop. Guess what I love you, Isabella. Never stopped. NEVER FUCKING STOPPED. I'm nauseous.

*Elyse

Current song:
Wash it away- Evanescence

BE HERE, NOW

             So my show is today. My debut performance. and of course I'm at check out phase. I find it so hard to stay in the moment. My mind is on getting back to Boston and not being too tired for opening duties. and Trying not to fuck it up. It's also on how can I make this paper, I'm thinking of getting a second job. I'm also light weight looking at apartments. I'm thinking about how I'll get to barcelona. How will I continue to sing more. How can I continue to perform and be on stage. I'm over the go go dancing. I do because it's fun and its a way to perform but I'm over the club life, I don't have as much of a tolerance as I've had before. Instead of writing this blog I could be still rehearsing and making sure I have my bag packed for today but I am the queen of avoidance. Which will come back and smack me in the face if I don't nip it in the butt. I need my second wind. I'm so distracted by my solitude, that i'm pursuing happiness on the wrong path. Listen honey, love is not in your cards right now. we've created a blueprint and now we lay the foundation, it has to be a solid one. I guess I'm nervous because I don't have anything else set up for me as far as singing goes, although my job says I can perform there. and the search for a band continues. only this time its gotta be more blues and jazz. Gimme that soul. But I'm getting besides myself and that's where I go wrong. I need to be here now. I have to worry about what's in front of me right now, not what could be in front of me down the road. This show is whats now and I need to be prepared for that. You have to count every show like its your breaking moment, like there are officials in the audience and you're about to cut a deal. or think about it as you're already established either way people came to see a show and a show is what you will give them! PERIOD!

*eLyse

Current song (s): Whatever Lola Wants- Sara Vaughn

Two years down / Girl, Bye

        I want to officially congratulate myself, two years of not being with someone seriously. Although you could question me and ly. I'll get back to that one. But as for my congratulations, well it's rather hard to make an acceptance speech when you can't really tell if you've truly gotten over her or not. I was on the phone with Spongebob for quick sometime yelling at her. And by yelling at her I mean yell to the void that, that bitch left me with. Demanding answers that I'll never get. Wanting truths that I'd never believe. Two years later and I'm still just as angry. Idk if I'm moving forward or backward. I'm at a standstill... I feel like I've tried everything I could think of. I even moved to Boston... And seriously the next stop is out of this country.  Heavy. I am a heavy heart to carry. And it is true "I love you never felt like any blessing" in fact it never does...

         I told ly that I loved her. Because I do. And as I assess the what we were, what we are, what we have and what we had. It's time to say GIRLBYE! I didn't want to give up so easily on her because I love her. I tell myself be patient and understanding. Just chill out. But if there is one thing I know about us is that, we are kindered spirits. But this is "Kermit" all over again. The push and the pull, the struggle. He drove me batshit!!! BATSHIT!! I let him get away with murder, I damn near gave him the knife. And I went back for years. Because I felt guilty for being a major bitch in high school, and when we were on. Ugh gosh we were so on. I loved him and he loved me. We were not it for each other. But I would have spent a lifetime going back and forth with him because I kinda liked it. Only he would never give himself to me. He'd just continue to watch me with others and then criticize me for it. And make me feel bad for not being with him. Truth is. He wasn't bout that life and he never was. And Ly? She's falling into that same pattern. If it were a friend in that position I'd be like GIRLBYE but as much as I'd like to lie to myself. I cannot. She's a sweet girl and lame one. And lame because she doesn't want me. I want her to want me. Then again she does but there is no action behind it, and that's where the lame comes in.
         So now once again I have to detox from this girl, purge her existence out of my life, she cannot stay. And she doesn't want to. Those speeches she gives me are farce and I will not give her warning. I'm just done. No crying wolf, just GIRLBYE!! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! It's not saying much for the standards I keep for myself and its not fair to me. I'm trying hard not appologize for myself and say yeaup that's who I am. But these moments always make me feel "lesser than". I'm worthy enough to be the greatest person you know but not worthy enough to be the greatest  girlfriend. And maybe I don't want to be that yet, and I just like playing house. It's just such a process.  And here I go building those walls back up. And I know I say this all the time. But no one is getting through. Not this time! Nope aint gonna happen.

*ELyse

Current song (s):
  Portishead- Humming

Give Thanks

             The load lightens just a little bit. I can only Give Thanks. Feeling the angst last night of traveling, of new locations, new jobs. I had a brief panic attack on the train. It really did not help that the train had stopped and then after 5 mins started to head back towards grand central. "WRONG FCUKING DIRECTION!" Maybe if the conductor spoke in audible volume we all might have heard him... Fuck there goes my heart, "ugh what is that." numbing tingle through my body "come on elle shake it off". Breaths heavier if at all... "breathe Bitch! Breathe" "okay okay water in the bag drink that shit, shake it off, nope now the face is leaking, salty, fuck. tears. Together, Pull it!" I wan't to talk to peach so I txtd her she types "ok."... ...  DAFUQ! NOPE not exactly the response I was hoping for. Earlier today she told me we can get our cards read but she wants to do my charts.  I'm like what are charts. she says based on "xyz" our charts tell us who we are destined to be. Instantly I pause and I'm like NO... I've always wondered what my true calling was because I've always felt like I'm greater than what I'm allowing myself to be. Almost as if... no almost... it's because I'm afraid of my own awesomeness, I stifle myself. BUT I WILL BE DAMNED if some chart tells me who I'm destined to be. I'm destined to be whatever not because of some damn chart but because God chose me. I'm combative now. I stop and I'm just like yea sure, do my charts. So in trying to find a christian psychic, I come across a question and answer page and the answer that came of that just really clicked for me. Now I'm very into my dreams and meanings and two nights ago I had a dream that really waved a red flag. I sit wondering, WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THOUGH... and in the response that I read to a question being asked as to whether or not psychics go against christianity, she says, a lot of the times psychics go off of body language etc. TRUE. it goes on... but something I picked up was pray on what it is you are questioning and feeling. you probably already know the answer. okay in all honesty I don't really know if that snippet was in there. Sometimes the voices are so loud in my head its almost like I read it somewhere HAHAH. BUT non the less. that's what I got from it. Now recently things have been falling into place, I've been getting everything I want. and not that it's gonna go to shit... but if I were Princess Jasmine than Jesus would be Aladin and that mo fo just stuck his hand out to me and said do you trust me... and I said "What?" and he said do you trust me?! ...head nod... and I'm about to jump... and with all the hubbub and rifraf about to take place, I'll be okay if I just trust him. That's what my dream was saying... shit might hit the fan stop denying it. face it. I Like to act stupid like I don't know what's about to go down. and I'm concerned with a lot of things as I head up yonder. But God is looking out for me. I don't think I need to pay a psychic for her to bullshit her way to a reality that I already knew. Either way there will be confrontation and you have to handle them like an adult now. and that's basically speak up. DON'T GUESS Don't assume. you cause more rifraff than necessary.
       Anyway I just went home and lulled myself by therapeutically stalking on facebook and singing "hallelujah" in my head... that's my next cover btw. I rambled on to the lord until I went to sleep. You that's always been a "tradition" of mine. I ramble on and on working myself into a frenzy, explaining things that he already knows about me. He probably looks at me and is like okay child, I get it. I've heard enough but I keep going so he's like go bed, I got this, and next thing you know I'm sleep and I wake up like I'm really sorry I didn't even say goodnight, and I final thanks I feel horrible that's so rude etc. he's soo over me lol
      But He's already started working. I tell him my plans and he says okay. He gives me a feeling that, whilst you think thats whats gonna happen this might too so just stay alert and trust me. and I say okay. I'm soo not as stressed as I was financially. I mean I'm still concerned I'm a worry wort. But by speaking up, I got help. and as much as I like to do everything on my own or find ways to show that I have everything under control. Take the help if someone is offering. A closed mouth does not get fed. and stubbornization runs rampant in my family. All I have to say is I can't thank the lord enough... but I will try! Giving Thanks no matter how small... This bitch is fine hunty! carry on!

*ELyse

Current Song (s): none

"I Can't"

          I can't even front, I'm sitting here in tears. It's been so long since I've cried and maybe it hasn't, but considering the fact that I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night or wake up in tears, it feels like it has been forever. I think it's also a combination of everything that's going on and feeling the realness of all the excitement that has been happening in ONE month. Yea shit got real in ONE month.
         But I'm really thinking about it and I can't. When I think about what it means to say "I can't" I guess what I'm trying to say is I wont. I've just decided that I can't wait for her. I have a girl that lives so far away from me but is willing to try to meet up with me, when she can. I have another girl who lives across seas telling me that she's coming for my show. yet Ly tells me that she likes me, I make her feel "x" and "y" but then what is so hard? Don't tell my friends how you feel. It's irrelevant. Does it take away the fact that I love her? No. I wont take that back. But in the course of a month I have seen the possibilities. To be with her would be to settle. I have a fickle way about me. But when I know, I know and if I have to question then there's something wrong. So if you have doubts, you aint bout that life and I cannot wait for you. Things are probably not going to anywhere with Al but i'll enjoy her company if I can and Barcelona is way too far, but I will enjoy her if I can. and Tattoos?! oh tattoos? nothing will come of tattoos but she's amazing. And they're all showing me different things. Different in a way that says our differences are so different they're the same. and it brings me back to Bel. she needed to feel like the sun rose and set on her ass. and vise versa. and I get it now. Bel wasn't genuine. She was willing to get it anywhere. I'm single I want it everywhere. but ultimately I want it from one and only one. BFF says maybe it's time to put yourself on a pedestal. that I don't give myself enough credit. I put tattoos on the biggest pedestal. I fall short of her, she's bad. But you know what I am too. I am a catch, you will never have a dull moment with me, I will keep you on your toes. There will be days that you hate me. there will be days that you like me... But you will always love me. And that's what I want and I see that it's out there. I can't pretend that I'm not crazy, I am a pretty good actor. I can't pretend like I'm not mean. My tongue is too sharp. I can't pretend that I'm not flighty, stubborn, head strong, ill tempered, a diva, a princess, a know it all, a jackass. But for as much as I am those things... WHO ISN'T. I'll own my shit. I am Elyse! for all those "negatives" the positives are JUST as great. I won't pretend that I'm not romantic. I am. I won't pretend that I'm not smooth. I'm billy D williams. I wont pretend I'm not a mush. I am the biggest sap of all. I won't pretend I'm always strong. I do like to be rescued.
       But I want you get the picture. I can't Pretend. and right now I'm pretending. and lets be honest. If I was something that Ly wanted. she would have taken me. I won't wait for her to eventually come around. I'm trying so hard not to get stressed out about my move and new job and show. 99 problems but a girl wont be one.
      I will play my deck of cards. I'm happy for that weekend in PTown with her. I don't take anything back. But I really have to stop giving girls priority when I'm not theirs.... GIRL BYE

*ELyse

Current Song (s): None

Be silent, Be still

  " Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;..." - Robert Frost

Well this is not the best place for me to be. It's not the worst but it truly isn't fun. I don't make decisions like this and I guess it's time to. I just don't know what God is trying to tell me. I just don't want to miss an opportunity because I always second guess myself. I've been talking about Boston for years. I always felt like I wouldn't mind living there. And more recently Boston has been around ever corner. But then again this could be God's way of saying: You see this opportunity is everywhere and I will keep it that way as long as you keep the faith in me. 
      We have two new employees at work that have moved here from far away, they decided that they are just gonna go for it. Chaos only applied for this one job and got it. And I don't know about saber tooth tiger but they decided to follow their dreams. I'm in NYC my dreams are here. I have a show in July and that's amazing. But nothing is ever final I should live a little. And Boston is only 4 hours away it's not that drastic. But not too long ago I'm over here talking about Barcelona. Oh believe me I'm going. But is this what God is trying to show me! That I'm all over the place? And I need to get my life? But isn't this what the 20's are all about? Being a drifter, confused and out there. Trying to find where I fit in. Trusting yourself and making mistakes? My mom told me something, it's something I've always known but it was said in a different light. And in a way I felt rather guilty. But in talking about this, she says " Elyse, you get eveything you want... You get EVERYTHING you want, but the second you get it, you don't want it anymore" I sat thinking yea I do get everything I want. :-/ I knew that! And when I get stuff I don't want it anymore. I knew that :-/. I'm thankful for eveything I get! Even this break up with bell, truthfully I had to go through it. To be where I am and I'm thankful for it. I'd rather not go through it and say I did but it's been quite the experience. I wanted to break up with her I wanted to be separated from her and I got it. I want to find myself and I'm doing that, rather gracefully. Because I never left! My point is its not a matter of not wanting things anymore it's knowing when I've overstayed my stay. I like to keep moving. I love my work family and that's the hardest thing about leaving. They've been such a support. A stregnth that I needed. Such characters I could never replace. I went home early today because Im sick. And while I felt like shit and could hardly stand I felt left out when I had to leave. I love them sooo much, soo much! I'm just trying to figure it all out. While I'm young. I have dreams and that's what carries me. I think if I can keep it healthy and take away from each experience that my need to always want to know what's out there is good! Some people find stuff they lock into it and that's okay for them. My mom being a smart woman gives me advice but I need to remember she was young once too, so even as she plays devils advocate I can't follow her either because shes doing just that playing devils advocate. She was young once too, and had no idea what she was doing with her life. So I will admit this when I say, I have no clue what I want. I just know that I want something new. I want better than I already am. I'm confused in a way that says that I'm not really, just more afraid of my own awesomeness, so I cripple myself and say I'll do it when I'm ready. In the words of miss Noxeema Jackson (To Wong Foo) "I will make Hollywood wherever I am at!"  Can't wait to be ready that might take forever. Besides Madonna said it best "there's only so much you can learn in one place, the more that I wait, the more time that I waste"
     No but really I have not seen this house nor have I seen the neighborhood! I've only seen pictures I haven't scoped the scene and I'll do that Saturday... I just need to Be silent, Be still. Leave it up to God

       *Elyse 

Current Song(s):

Boston- Augustina
Jump- Madonna

I'm So ON!

         So Yesterday I woke up saying PRAISE THE LORD!! I just was feeling all types of good. I think the only thing that had a great chance of ruining it were my unbearable cramp pains! " Said oh lord jesus itza fire!" But even still yesterday was a good day. Just living and loving. Even if its just being in love with the company I keep around me, truly feeling blessed honored and privileged to be me, I know some of the smartest and funniest people ever. There is never a dull moment. and In moments when you just want to break down and cry (which is like always) talking about the situation that brings you to that point isn't always the answer... Laughing about something else, completely irrelevant to that situation and just being goofy is the only cure!
        There's a "coworker" that I see very seldom but I'm just obsessed with. He's truly amazing and it was sooo nice to hear all about view points on life, the gay society etc. It's so refreshing to know that there are people who don't fall trap to all the misagosh that has been strapped to this community. He's a powerful mind and I'm so glad to know him. (love fest much?) but we all sat backstage getting rowdy in discussion, which sounds like a typical lunch time at my job, and he's like I'm always on your page you have like the best pictures and post. I sat there floored because I always feel so damn invisible. I feel like I don't do enough, that I could be out there more, really making the most out of my time and capitalizing on the relationships out there. not to mention having moments where I don't feel complete because Im not with anyone. Man I tell you this society really chews women up. First we're not beautiful enough, we're not strong enough. We're not meant to be in the work force. And if we are clearly we're not fit for marriage. And the only reason we're so driven in that work force is because we're bitter, uptight women that can't get laid or find a man and have children as that is our only calling (barf). I am a disney channel fanatic but sometimes I find it hard to watch because they insist on painting girls this way. It's like you don't have to be painfully opposite just switch it up give diversity, its rather sad. I digress, i'll come back to that another time. I'm so self aware when it comes to the negative, I can quickly tell you all the things I do wrong, I almost hear it in slow motion as the words come out. or the situation will go in slow motion as its being done. But when someone says something nice about you, you're like wait what? you really think that?! Bless your heart!
       I gotta tell you yesterday I was so ON! Charged and ready to WERQ! and as I sit on the train, sun shining amping up for the day... Janet Jackson "discipline" comes on... ... ... ... For real though? Now I haven't listened to that song in a hot minute. A HOT MINUTE! Mainly because I know she listens to that song as she fucks her. nice. But this time I thought of that and smiled. and a devilish smile to, because I introduced her to that song, With the ONLY RED LIGHT SPECIAL. Listen when I turn it on it comes ON iWERQ hunty. and she knows it. She can have the memories. Those don't fade. But I really haven't Turned that light on since her. and there have been some SONGS. WOOO CHILD. I NEED TO CREATE A NEW LIST. I'll keep it in my arsenal for that deserving person, they will feel like its there birthday... and guess what I don't even have hair and I'm confident (oh snap, shit just got real) I was ready to take on the day after that song. Janet really is like the only person that could have an orgasm in a song and you're like "I'll have what she's having!" I'm usually NOT a fan. But the first time I heard that song, I found myself slave to the rhythm, dancing without myself even being aware. like a ribbon I laced myself through that melody. by the time she started orgasming I couldn't even be mad at her, I was like play on playa. But that song is all types of dangerous. " said oh o lord jesus itza fire!" ( I got lost in the moment)
     And to top it off I heard from "Ly". I was so content on not speaking to her until I ran into her at PTown... and she texted me and of course my face just lit up. I've been thinking about her a lot. I wonder if her ears were ringing. I'm glad she reached out. It just really topped off my beautiful sunday. I don't know if I needed that but I sure did want it.
     So today I wake up ready to start my day. My second rehearsal. and lunch with my Booski! Which I'm nervous for because we're going to place that this girl works at and in my head I feel like I'm painfully obvious and now I'm like gosh Elyse, you shouldn't have. You have absolutely no chance with her and now she's creeped out. I'm not all too sure I want a chance with her but I hate when it's decided for me hahah spoken like a true diva. you win some you lose some... but there is soo much in store for me that really. iWIN

*Elyse

Current Song(s):