Ready

       I wanna say I'm soo ready. But I've always been. Ready to be that person that touches lives by the thousands. I mean I guess I could settle for the hundreds... naaaahhh... thousands seems doable :) but I would be honored to even have that one person that came to me and said your music saved my life or maybe even saved my best friend's life. Let's see I've already had someone tell me my away message on AIM really helped them through the tough time they were having. and an old high school friend tell me she read my blog and it helped. Idk which one it was but none the less always those things that make my heart burst with excitement. I feel like I'm soo close yet soo far away. or like I'm jennifer connelly in the labyrinth with david bowie, the beginning of the movie if she had just asked the right questions or had been out right with her pursuit she would have gotten to the center of the labyrinth quicker. Of coarse the she wouldn't have been able to find herself and her gumption but well... I guess I need to remember you can't take anything for-granted. It's those subtleties in life that make it all worth it, and meaningful. I constantly sit doubting myself because I'm so anxious in the final result but never really paying attention to what gets me to that point, if there is one, worrying how the world will perceive me, instead of just doing it, worrying about everything that doesn't need to be worried about. It feels like i lose my confidence. But in the words of  lil wayne: "confidence is a stain, it can't wipe off". and then it felt like it came back to me, because I felt like i found something that I can relate to... Anna Vissi. If you don't know her look her up. She's a greek singer, with such a deep and powerful voice that breaks my heart when I listen to her. She's like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in a long time I've found an artist that I LOVE. Music that helps me view things a little differently. Something that gives me confidence in the abilities that I have. and When I felt like maybe I was having delusions of grandeur, and that I was like everybody else who thought they were different and special but fell in the average pile. I see that it's not delusions of grandeur but my future, and the only way I could fall into that pile is if I wasn't me. I've never really been average so why start now.

I'm ready.

*eLLe

current song: Erotevmanaki- Anna Vissi

Going "Home"?

              In going home, I was looking for a "Let Down". I guess a let down is what i got but it wasn't the one I was hoping for. I was looking for an escape from my current situation and found that I was in my old one. One that lead to my current one. Remembering why I left home in the first place. I needed a chance not to think about anything work on self, When I felt the bitter cold of RAGE down my neck and creeping into my veins. I don't stop it... I welcome it. Take your course that's fine. For every cool event there was always one to counteract it lurking in the corners. Disappointment, Rage, Happiness, Depression. This used to be my playground. This used to be the place a ran to. But where exactly was that again. I think I have the wrong address.

     I know now... that I didn't run home... Never ran home. I inside myself. I ran TO myself. and now that I've opened my museasm doors. I feel like some of the exhibits were misplaced. even stolen.

Current song... Elysium- Portishead.

*eLLe

Hurt?

                   I can't even fathom my current situation right now. I'm trying to figure out why in tar-nation is it okay for my friends to tell me when I'm being irrational and making poor decisions left and right, and when I finally state my opinion I'm wrong???? PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY EXPLICAR to me please! where is that Just??? I get criticisms that I am harsh, cold, intimidating? mean etc. But I don't say shit when my friends are beating me up. NOT A DAMN WORD. SO I FINALLY SPEAK UP AND GIVE MY OPINION AND I HURT YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS REALLY!?? OH YOU'RE HURT???? F THAT!!!  i'll tell you what's hurtful! what's hurtful is watching sparkly friends of yours become ordinary because of the people they "LOVE". Or even worse that they KNOW and they choose to make excuses! so you sit there and try to ignore it, because she's "HAPPY". BULL! I'M SOOO BEYOND ANGRY! angry that you would even ask such ASININE questions and be HURT when somebody tells you the GOTDAMN truth. I've sat for years not saying shit to people because I knew that I had stored up so much concrete evidence that it would SHATTER their very existence! and you're hurt because I'm telling you that your job choices are lacking and thats not why you came here in the first place, basically telling you that you're settling! and YOUR feelings are hurt. OH REALLY my feelings weren't hurt with the many asshole things you've said to me right? like when you scolded me about  my job options, NOPE. Cuz apparently I'm that heartless bitch that just doesn't give a shit right.! NO I'M NOT GONNA COSIGN ON YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT! NOT WHEN I THINK YOU ARE SOO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! But you wanna hear what you want to hear. you'll tell me how hurt you are and be soo quick to tell me off but you wont say a damn thing to the person that you lay down with every night. trying to help you cover your ass in certain situations. FUCK THAT! I'm not hurt I'm seething. You're too fucking stubborn to see. BUT YOU DO SEE. or you wouldn't ask dumb questions. I hold my tongue back from a lot of people. Everyone likes to talk about how real they are. but they can never take it dished back at them. I take a lot of hurtful things A LOT, and everyone thinks that, that shit falls on deaf ears because I don't respond the way they want me to. but thats cause i'm doing that "dugre ritual"- listening instead of reacting... in a nutshell... AND FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT... ONE BREIF MOMENT! I felt bad I felt like I shoulda been supportive. because everyone says that friends are supposed to have your back and we sift out the rest. and I thought to myself, you really believe that nonsense? PHUKET . I've been curbing my enthusias  because it hurts people too much. and i'll continue to take harsh criticism because well in these moments yea I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I know how hurtful it is and you keep pressing me. So don't act brand new... you OWE ME THAT MUCH! 

*eLLe