Clarity

              I wasn't quite sure that I knew exactly how to feel after I sent her the email. Immediately I felt a sigh of relief. I felt like an air that was all so welcoming. There was a hint of stress but well not too much. I was kind of worrying if I was gonna be kicking myself in the ass for it later. But the first thing that came back to me was "HER" the Her I'd spoke about before. I don't know but she somehow rushed my head and I paused and I thought for a second "man I wish I could get back to her"... anyway Stilettos always brings me good news *knock on wood*. I went home that night and surprisingly not in tears, not overwhelmed, not locked in my dungeon like mind. I went to sleep. Now I'm all about dreams especially if they're reoccurring or none like it before. There was symbolism after symbolism and I just needed to do my research. I found myself cuddling with HER in my dreams in the portion of my dream where snow took to the sky like a plague of locust. Everyone was dressed in winter gear freezing except me. and so I pick up some of the snow that had fallen but all I could think was snow in the middle of June, and it's not even cold to the touch it's like not normal snow. In that point of the dream I'm like taking mental notes of it all. But I was with HER on the couch with a family I don't know who's family it was but they weren't related to me. We then ended at a pool party, the water was crystal clear. we all bordered on "walking on it". we played in the water and walked on it. I remember looking at HER laughing and having a good time that I left in a hurry. driving the car... I thought to myself "but you're happy why would you leave." I instantly pulled a "U'ie" to make it back to the party it started pouring and I was still driving the car from the driver seat and not the back seat as I usually do in my dreams. I wanna say there was a jack rabbit in there too or some shit but Idk. I looked it up though. all the symbolism that showed up in my dream all related to one another it all lined up. the snow falling being inner peace and tranquility it also meant the need for me to lose my inhibitions, that there was a need for me to express my emotions. and I completely agreed. but all in all there was a peace that would come. same thing with the rain it symbolized clarity but also my goals and ideas finally coming to head. and the fact that I drove the car not from the back seat means I'm ambitious and taking control of my life. everything about that dream was good. it was great. I felt so at peace. I don't even know if that's the correct way of saying it but I did. It's scary but it's happening and I feel it. I know it. The way I think about certain situations the way I act on situations, things seem more clear. They aren't completely clear but they are a lot more then they've ever been. My best friend thinks I should start dating again. I agree with her reasoning. Idk I just don't really feel like it, dating can lead to nowhere or somewhere and I'm really enjoying myself in all aspects of the word. Let's get that Career going ay?! I mean really though, I'm just counting down the days. I've never been away from home like this... Mommy wow, I'm a big kid now :)

I'm gonna do this and in the words of Latrice Royale, I'm going to make them eat it! Werk!

eLLe*

Current song:

Mercy- Kanye West & friends ;-}

In a Perfect World

      In a perfect world, you'll call to say you're in the area and you'd like to see me.

In a perfect world, we'd sit in my back yard around dusk, laughing, you'd sip a corona and I, a woodchuck sharing a cigar like two G's. I'd have you in staples like I did when we first started, you know the time I told you about how Peach hit the deck when the birds flew over her head. she was mortified... At some point my mom would come out and show you her illegal gun show (her arms) and then tell you "all this is yo playground baby" and you'd cry of laughter. The night would carry on... until it didn't.

And in a Perfect world, I would be able to allow myself to sit there with you without somehow feeling like just another average girl.

      In a perfect world, your heart stopped, like mine did, when you saw me memorial weekend. I meant more than that girl you call a girlfriend. and you'd hope that time could slow up so those brief moments didn't end. Like sparring in the streets... How did we end it that night anyway, did you look after me and think damn I love her, there goes that laugh again, cuz in a perfect world... you did. In a Perfect world, you were proud of me when I told you I'm doing insanity and thought "she's unstoppable, I wish I could be on this journey with her". In a Perfect world, we connected telepathically. I'd send myself and you'd feel me there. and I'd say " I know" without you having to even say it... we were good like that. Cuz in a perfect world you would meet me in our secret place. Imaginary.

      In a perfect world, you'd read this because you knew this day you should. We'd stop running from each other and walk together. Pride would only be recognized as an event for the gays. In a perfect world you would have felt everything that I went through. You'd see the downward spiral I got entangled in after seeing you. In a perfect world, we'd sit down and I wouldn't be so terrified to hear those dreadful words that negate everything we've been through "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"

But this isn't a perfect World... It's the real world... and in the Real World...

 ... In the real world... it just is what it is. (I hate that saying)

*eLLe

Current song(s):

Butterfly- Bassnecter feat Mimi Page

The Ghost of you- My Chemical Romance

Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage
The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage

Don't touch me

... and the tears streamed.
I have to get it out but with nobody to talk to. and after this, I'm sure I don't need any criticisms. I don't need feedback on my energy and what I need to do. and negativity and such which and so forth. I'm not interested in the least. any who. God help me, when a family member see's this.
    It was only the icing on the cake. The one action that solidified the fact that I'm not ready, I'm not okay.  as we started I just kept thinking like wait I really don't have an interest with you being here and the coition currently taking place. He was like talking to me and I was just like, mmm I wish you wouldn't. for lack of a better word I felt disgusted. and the more I thought about my non existing comfortability. I started to cry. I was like hmm do you think if I asked him to just stop and then get out. It would be a real egg in the face moment for him. It sucked because there was no rhythm, no syncopation. I was completely disconnected. asking me questions. I'm like really? do what you want. cuz I'm really not here. and I wish you weren't so yea. speedy in and out, can we make that happen. I'm almost positive he felt that vibe. and the tears are now streaming down my face. every time he was in a position to not see my face I'm like hysterical. Don't get me wrong it didn't feel like rape or anything. I just was more feeling like wow I can't even stroke your ego. Like I don't want to touch it, I'm not really attracted to you, I've been in a weird funk these last couple days, It's not you it's me, I mean I called him. so what did I expect. I only cried myself to sleep on the train ride home two hours before, so like yea. So now at this point I'm pulling tricks out of my vagina, so he can finish. success. and I laid there. and I'm like I hope he doesn't expect me to cuddle. we spoke a little after, but I had to remove myself from the vision and get it out. he slept a little before he left, I didn't. I trembled myself into a sleep like trance. he was fucking sprawled out and I'm thinking don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me. he put his leg up I spazzed out. I found a way to get him out but I know I wasn't much fun. and half of the crying was because I was really sorry I couldn't give a great acting performance.
       When we spoke a little after. I could hardly speak actually. like he was asking review questions and I had to curb my enthusiasm. I've been so cheeky recently just waiting to kiss people with my spade tongue. I'm thinking to myself stop, be nice. It's not his fault you're an emotional wreck. However this is solidifying that this is not what I want either. I couldn't help but think what if these were people that I liked. I would have just dug my grave built the coffin and laid in it, alive.

I'm in a state. and now off to work where I'll be read for filth about my energy.
that's another entry for another time

eLLe*

Current song(s)

A thousand years- Christina Perry
Waiting on a War- 36 Crazy fists.

Mourning air

... and all of a sudden I remember that moment. That moment I couldn't sleep. That moment that rage took over my body. tunnel vision. The rock that shattered my jaw to the ground. That moment. that still has my stomach squeezed so tight. the acid rose to my esophagus. yea, no I'm not poetic at all. I know but that's how I'm feeling. It was just hurt, after hurt, after hurt. When playing a game, works but you just feel like you wish it didn't get to that point. not only did I lose control but I lost myself.
Destruction.
I don't really think I ever had control. why do we always need to be in control. to manipulate the other person. check mate.
I'm not letting anyone in. what the fuck for. ...
so just stay away from me.
...
... The truest nightmare... was not the one where I fought all those demons. or the statues. hanging over me... or ones when my mom is dead... instead. Me standing over the wreckage, and watching them trying to pull my dead body from the car... change is a foot... thanks, because I'm so bored with life
Idk what's important to me.

...soo many thoughts in my head. wont subside... what lines didn't I read betwixt. and why is this so crippling

let's try this thing called sleep. judging from the way my body feels. I doubt it.

eLLe*

Current song(s)

Third- Portishead (album)
Portishead- Portishead (album)

Dear Ethanos

I could pour my life out to you. I love you. you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy. I'm Drunk. I'm sorry I let you down. Pivotal, that's you. In my life. well that's what you were. I argue with you because I wanted to believe in everything you said. you didn't mean. doesn't matter now.
My whole life I wanted to mean something great. In a world where you're meant to be this small. I think I lost my phone. sux. Hope i find it tonight. cat nip but nothing feels right. you deserve it. you spent crucial nights that turned into years alone. you deserve. it. a fainted memory. maybe more like a passing breeze,

you ethanos... i love you more than one could ever care about themselves... but soon I'll forget what you ever meant to me.

eLL3

current song(s):
Need you now- Lady Antebellum
I told you so- Carrie  underwood
mourning air- Portishead

:) He's still got it

      wow, how we can pick up right where we left off. Yeeaasss it definitely helped that he apologized for everything. I totally needed to apologize for weirding out on him but he manned up and I didn't ask him too and after so long. I was nervous as fuck to hang out with him. Like are we gonna have stuff to talk about? Is this gonna be weird? Is this just gonna be sex, cuz I'm not really interested. Not like you know he's eww but just cuz I'm not really there right now. I'm not usually into random sexcapades. I could be cajoled :) but... anyway I digress. He was in disbelief that I was even there. I couldn't believe I was there. live a little, I guess. He was like "showing" me how nice is he now and such which. and clowning around cracking jokes and catching up. explaining his school and his major. And then we walked down memory lane. Lingering in the good moments, laughing at the bad ones. I started off being so like "matter of fact". I'm here, you're here. just enjoying company. But I just felt myself wanted to put myself all over him. Fact: we had a good time, back in the day. we did had a little history. We were talking about how I got him into ghost hunters and now he and his family are hooked on that show. But I stopped, shit got mad weird around me, and I was too creeped out... anyway we went back to his room talked for a little and then before I left, I'm like okay i'll never see you again, he's like why and I'm like um cuz you're graduating and then going back up yonder. and he leans in for the kiss. I back away. such a tease ;). and the make out begins. I forgot we connected. pleasantly reminded. I wanted to back away. His lips are everything. He's sexy as fuck. I like when I can be aggressive and not be worried that I'm gonna break the  person in half. I like the weight. I'm a bruiser. I wanna take a bite and leave a mark. I like to feel the weight against me. but whats better is feeling the control. the control you have over your body that controls mine. knowing your strength and using it correctly. Own it. Nothing passed a really intense make out session. but I had shivers thinking about it all night. I must have had amnesia cuz I seem to forget a lot. We connect physically a lot. ugh I can't.
       I remember in school when we first met ha I could've died. It was communication class and I had fucking curlers in my head and I had to get up and introduce myself. and I saw him sitting there. he sad socks and slippers so I knew he was an athlete and I'm thinking great I look soo stupid. so I got really nervous and started smiling up a storm. cuz that's what happens when I get nervous I smile A LOT. Then later we had to work together in a group and I started speaking in an accent and he was like um are you speaking in an accent and I'm like uh yea sorry. that happens randomly. I gotta say yet again. I have no idea when we started actually talking like that. but I remember hanging with him and pulling back his skater boy hair (at the time) cuz I never really got past what great teeth he has. and anyone that knows me knows that I'm all about teeth. and he has such complimentary lips. anyway yea never actually looked at his face so I looked at his eyes and just thought "shit, your eyes are fly". Then there was that time I cooked "for" him and his roommate. he liked it... or that time when... well never mind. He's a swell guy. and that was a swell time. Flooded with all these memories. and some how I found myself happy. Happy that I went, happy that I didn't give in and go all the way. Happy to have had an amazing weekend with my friends. I couldn't get to insanity for the last two days yet somehow walking at least 30 blocks between friday and saturday and then dancing like life depended on it. made up for it. ahh.

Good times

eLLe*

Inspiration

(SIGH OF RELIEF) she's exactly what I needed!
              I've been struggling with myself and how I want to "come off" to others, trying to appeal to everyone. I wanna be a "real boy" but it always comes back to extravagance... I am Extravagant. Nothing left to do but embrace it! This woman embodies everything that I've been trying to suppress! but she embraces it and she does it so beautifully! She's strong, she's tough, she's masculine, she's feminine, she's edgy, she's a classic beauty. She's statuesque, she's stunning, timeless, confident. In your face. she's a woman fearless and FIERCE!!! I have so much respect for her.
            I've always struggled with the fact that I'm not cute. I didn't grow up cute or pretty. I felt inadequate when it came to those type of girls because they usually got the guys that I wanted. The women in my family were/are not cute. Just a FORCE to be reckoned with. we are not societies stay in the kitchen type woman. (well maybe one of us is) but we're really just some rosie the riveter type women! I guess I always kind of resented them for it. Because I wanted to be that cutesie kind of girl. But I rather enjoy being the girl that dabbles and plays with gender rules and roles. I like being cheeky, I like defying gravity. guess what I'm scared to. when I was younger I wasn't now I am. And now I'm getting it back. The more time I spend in the city the more I find my muchness.
            For a while I had lost my inspiration for makeup. I work in a makeup store and they want us to get excited about new season trends and looks and colors. "It's nice, but not so much amazing". I'm an artist. not a person who's good at make so that makes me an artist. NO. I'm an ARTIST. I have to be inspired to create. Be it songs, drawings, makeup, costumes or photography. That inspiration just wasn't working. and I'm stubborn so when I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. and you know what I'm not going to apologize for it. not after meeting her.
                This girl is amazing and I salute her shorts because she's fabulous! and it let's me know that I can be who I am and make no apologies for it. Embrace it! don't worry about who's gonna want you or not gonna want you. you gotta do your THANG! and they can either fall in line, or don't waste your time. But she's just given me that boost of inspiration that I really needed. It's reassuring. I was trying NOT to go towards the light. but in seeing the big picture, WE ARE WHO WE ARE! and I'm amaze balls. I AM THE LIGHT :-)

Current song:
Defying Gravity- Wicked

*eLLe

11:11

           Make a wish! I've been thinking a lot about it lately and the person who came up with this is genious. I tip my hat to you. I always find myself really happy when I look at the clock and it reads 11:11 but then I get all nervous because I really wanna make it count. So now a simple wish turns into a conversation with myself as I wish for something and go "no, that's not a wish that's a prayer. but you really want it to happen! yes! but that takes effort and planning, it's a little more serious then to just throw it around frivolously in a wish". So I don't wish for that. and I come up with something else that I could settle on. and then the planning begins, I swear, I like make up a list of wishes so that I'm prepared for the next time 11:11 rolls around I wont be so nervous and forget. Then there are those moments that it does roll around and you know exactly what to wish for, because you've been thinking about it for days, weeks even... *SIDE NOTE* I happened to look up and the clock read 11:11, joy in my heart, I was ready ;)* back to the realness. 

          But lately I start to think about it more in depth. For example how many of those wishes came true because it fell on your lap or because you MADE it happen? Is 11:11 a placebo? makes us think it's working when it only pushes us to go after the things we really want. Or it really is just a waste of time period because you can't wish things to happen, it's just a set up for failure cuz there usually is no action behind it. IDK!  Or maybe it's a little of both. It works sometimes and maybe it is just a placebo. 

          I think it ties into faith. Just having faith in something. If you truly have faith in your heart then what you want will come true. For  kids and adults alike it's fun and light hearted. It's always good to believe in something! I just feel like it's an alternative to God maybe, sometimes. Like how many times do you hear people say "just pray and leave it up to God and he will take care of you." and how many times do you see people roll their eyes or scoff at a person. It doesn't matter what you believe in religion wise because whenever it is brought up it's like oh hear we go. Now, somehow saying "look a shooting star make a wish!" or "11:11 make a wish" it's like okay I'll secretly do it, or I'll do it because my kids are really into into it. For whatever reason we've chosen, we'll still make a wish over pray. Some how it makes it less "heavy"... Now I make a lot of wishes on 11:11, I don't think they actually come true though. But I know that when my head and my heart are in a place, I subconsciously wish for things and it happens. Sometimes I like to think it's because of my powers hahaha but usually in my case I think it's just Gods way of saying "hey,  you deserve it kid". 

            I remember when I was a kid and I'd be in a store with my mom. I'd see so many little toys that I WANTED, so I'd ask my mom for it. she'd say no. I would give her reasons for "needing" it and she'd always say no. I'd beg and plead and then I would say but I NEED it. she'd stop turn around and always say something like do you really need it. or just really really want it. because you already have tons of toys like this... and just the paused look on my face she'd reply, that's what I thought. Instant defeat I was pissed. Now it's not to say my mom never got me things. but whenever I did what I had to do or worked for it, earned it, or whenever she felt like hey sure lets get you something, she would. But she always made sure that we understood that they are rewards. I look at 11:11 like that now. I make all the wishes I want, maybe the fates will say "sure why not, it's on the house, gotta keep the magic going" but at the end of the day you work for what you want and earn it. but when it's something you really need, YOU GOT IT

*eLLe

fix your own heart

    Okay so I saw this status my family member reposted. It said something like " sometimes a man has to help heal your heart before he gets to have it" some shit like that. and the comments back were like "that's so true" and "sometimes... Always" and "the man has to be the absorber of her pain"... (gag)
Then it just so happened that the Danity Kane song "Damaged" came on. and one of the lines of the song asks "how you gonna fix it?" The guy before you damaged it so can you fix it.
Ladies and gentlemen! listen to me. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN HEART! Don't ask for help figure it out cut the shit. and if anyone proposes that idea on you, WALK THE FUCK AWAY! That is a big burden for anyone. we are not "captain save'm". The second anyone tries to take on a task like that they're destined for failure! It's a lot of pressure to withhold and it is not fair to ask of somebody. If you're not ready to be in a relationship then don't! aint nobody rushing you, telling you, you have to be. so slow down! I fell for it! I thought I could take all of her pieces and put them back together, show her, her capabilities. IT worked until it didn't.
What I'm driving at is that. As the "fixer" we feel that we are "THAT ONE" we're Neo, we can save the matrix because we are not like everybody else. Humans have always had an obsession with being super human... So when we happen upon that person we feel like we have to take on the challenge. when in fact the challenge is NOT helping to heal a person or FIXING the person the challenge is are you gonna be smart enough to say listen I'm not going there, this can be a bad idea and I'm not sure as to why I'd have to fix something that somebody else did. Further more, as the fixer, you don't know the severity of the issue. Sometimes a person is not "firing on all 8's" and now you signed up for something and now you need healing. Leave the saving to Jesus! we are only human. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make them drink. and you will find that people don't actually want help they just want to bitch and they need a punching bag!! now look at the abuse you just signed up for! JOY!

as for the damsel in distress. Stop being lazy, stop bitching cut the shit! it's not easy it never was. It's rude to expect someone to do that. and if you're constantly looking for someone to fix it how will you ever learn? there's nothing more rewarding than knowing you can do something. and dealing with emotions the right way is so controversial and about the hardest thing you can do, in my opinion. when it comes down to YOU and your core, nobody can help you with that. Don't be that lame. you'll find yourself in the same place you started. and then you'll hit 50 and stilling wondering why? asking somebody to take pity on you, which may have worked when you're young, but now you're just damaged goods!

it's not a pretty process. but everybody's gotta do it.
just saying.

eLLe

My labyrinthian Mind

Gray.
The only way to describe how I've been feeling. Who knew that a communication major would have such a hard time at communicating. It comes and it goes. and I can't help but feel like I'd rather have it go. It's so uncomfortable. My blood races, hands clam up shortness of breath and I'd much rather walk away... Well you have to do it! no don't do it this way! you sound like this! he'll think that!... i'm damn confused. Speak up it's not that serious! open your mouth and form sound! NOOOOOOOO! If you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers now, just wait! cuz this right now is nothing. This is but a snowflake at the tip of an iceberg and not even the part that floats way below the surface. So what are you gonna do? I wanna walk away it's done deal. so then why haven't you yet? cuz you're so busy with yourself that the others slip through the cracks. Elyse fight for something. Fight for this INSANITY... Fight for this AUDITION... Fight for your JOB/CAREER... PROVE that you deserve this ITALY trip... Fight FOR yourself not WITH yourself... then maybe fighting for the people you want to have in your life will be a breeze. Okay so vulnerability(gosh i hate that word) is really a big task for you. but in the act of speaking up for yourself and believing in yourself as far as job and careers go and working out and Italy. that vulnerability(ugh) is a less scary concept. and you'll be able to understand when you want something, need something or when you DESERVE something.

This weekend you have an audition, and wednesday you have a recital. Both dealing with singing. you better sing with that voice God gave you! When you sing Rolling in the deep you better sing with every frustration, emotion, depth, elegance and grace that you possess, so that you can't say you didn't give it all you got.... and when that recital comes you better sing as if you are singing in front of the greats! like you are in florence and you own it! " The time has come for you to lip sync, for your life"... only no lip syncing but real singing.

As far as INSANITY goes. it's only gonna get harder. and you've started to see improvements especially in your back, but you're coasting. DIG DEEPER! FOCUS! take all that anger to drive yourself to that goal, scream if you have to but you better WERK!!

as far as people go. you've always had a strong intuition as to whether a person should breathe your air or not. so if a persons on your mind this much, not even in a sexual way, but somebody you truly enjoy then go with it... But maybe revisit it when you're feeling more like yourself.

(my "coaching session")
I feel another song coming on!!


*eLLe
current song(s):
Titanium- David Guetta feat Sia
No Beef- Afrojack and Steve aoki

... To Be Happy

      Allow myself to be happy? That's a hard concept for me. Mainly because when I am, some way or another the my feet get pulled from under me and I fall and chip a tooth... Chip a tooth? really? All of that? Well okay not ALL of that but yea you get the idea. Bottom line is it hurts and I'd rather not get up again. My manager to told me today you have to allow yourself to be happy. and well I can't really fight it. "What in the sam hell are you talking about?!" okay here we go...

     ... I had sporadic moment of Pleasantocity. Where all the small realizations mattered. It wasn't grand scale at all. It was, well Pleasant. and pleasant is like more than enough. It was everything I could want out of an evening, Jamming to music, laughing, youtube browsing. Just straight up relaxing without any added pressure to take it anywhere or be anything other than ourselves. Once I could get away from my awkwardness I was fine. Like, all I really ever want to do is movie night's with me and somebody and not have it be like this big to do. But apparently saying hey you wanna watch a movie with me just you and me is code for I'm hitting on you and would like to make a move. It's hard to find people that just want to bum around with you and that's it, no sex involved just good company. 

         I wish I could say that's it. I'm trying not to like this guy at all. I don't see him, I hardly even talk to him. So I can't possibly like him. I sat fighting myself all morning, yelling at myself like no you don't like this guy stop. yet somehow I got into work and without anything extra my coworkers are like you're glowing... ME??!!!??! GLOWW????!!!! no way! I have no idea what you are even talking about ppffff! I was smiling without doing it physically! I was listening to Killswitch Engage and 36 Crazyfists all day. I bought some of the songs that he played for me. Repeat all day everyday. I killed the black lipstick today, I was in a zone. and I don't wanna be because I know myself, I'm gonna ruin it, ya know. When I spoke to my manager, told her everything and she's like, first and foremost you have to allow yourself to just be happy, if you're happy be happy. see the moment for what is it and then just roll with it. She's soo totally right. It's a hard concept for me... BE HAPPY??? huh??? because when I get happy its really really OD and I don't want to show that. It can be really much. and you can bet there will be a hard crash. Maybe I can change that? Like You know she was probably telling me, don't think to hard about it. and send that positive energy. 

          Let it, well, BE! nothing catastrophic happened. and I really don't talk to him. I'm a mess. my stomach is flipping. I need to calm down. just take it for what it is... It's kinda hard to do when my coworkers and best friend are like um he's perfect! I know this!!!! But it's too early to tell. Yet somehow it seems like they know something I don't. Right now I just will except him as a really neat guy to hang with, so not contrived. 

I love the small things. cuz they're really not small they're perfect and grand to me. I can sit and gush about it but I kinda wanna just keep it too myself cuz it's really valuable to me and it's one of those things that it's like you (A) have to know me and (B) you had to be there :)

Current Songs:

The Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage

The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage

Waiting on a War- 36 Crazyfists

The Tide and It's Takers- 36 Crazyfists

Moonlight Sonata- Beethoven 

eLLe*

Untag.

          I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic these blogs are. Somehow typing has become easier than writing. I think it's because I can't spell and the computer corrects me. I used to have a notebook for everything. From time to time I find journal entries on loose leaf. The greatest reward is looking at them now, years later and just think wow... and I'll definitely do this with these blogs.

           Um I'm feeling extra crazy right now. It feels like the words that people say to me are tagged. and when triggered it instantly brings me to a "link" or memory of a time when I hurt. Certain words or phrases I cringe to say, I cringe to hear because in a split second I'm reliving those instances in technicolor. And when it's all over I'm just back in these four walls. Then a snowball effect occurs to which I'm remembering child hood. I come out feeling defeated. If anyone wants to my secret of how I can eat so much and stay so thin? I'm a runner. I have terrible knees but I'm alway running through moments in my head. I exhaust every memory, beat it like it stole something. I run myself ragged... I hate tagged words. Then I hear the lyric in my head "I want to stay in love with my sorrow, ooh but God I want to let it go". It's exactly how I feel but that's a tag on it's own. 

       I remember a time when listened to the whole first album of Evanescence on repeat. The only time I wouldn't listen to it was if I were at practice or a game. any chance I could I would listen to it. Because it was the only thing that could calm me down. When everyone was socializing and happy because WP won the game I'd rush back on the bus just so I could listen to it. It described everything I felt... "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" She had to be singing to me, for a while I was beginning to believe I was. and Imaginary was my theme. I lived inside myself because there I was loved, there I was myself. Nobody was ever allowed in. My secret place. I just remember being so wrapped up in the orchestra and choir and classical influences. The depth and emotion in each song. The layers! Made me wish that I 'd kept up with the violin. And happy as hell that I was in a kick ass choir. Classical music is so captivating.  Sometimes I forget to breathe. Anyway that CD meant everything to me. My aunt knew me well. she knew I'd eat that CD up. yea she never got that back hahaha. It sucks because I can't even listen to them anymore. like I said they're tagged. I can't listen to her without feeling nauseous. She loved them way more than I did. there's no way I can listen to them. I gave them up. They're tagged to a memory. I'm still deeply connected. I wish I wasn't. I haven't quite figured out how to untag memories. Facebook makes it seem so damn easy. 

          I'm in such a funk. Such a mood... blugh 

eLLe*

"It's a blind faith..."

     Good morning Friday!!! How art thou on this windy day? So I had a special conversation with a coworker yesterday. So not on purpose and not special to her but completely special to me, I I'll share it on my online public diary. I digress, I noticed she was filling out something and kind of stuck with it. It was for church, kind of like a prayer questionnaire. and at the end everyone in the congregation would hand them in and it would be prayed on. I guess she felt that she needed to have a clear cut answer and honestly answering "I don't know" was not good enough. On the other hand I did, especially if that's truly how she felt. The questions they asked I felt like were a bit of a trick because there really is no set answer to them. I think it was the way that the questions were asked that I felt like It was a bit unfair. No one should really know where they are going. Or knows the person they are becoming. Because well, like we've heard time and time again, it's about the journey. and well most of us are still on that journey. Maybe it would have been nicer if it said, who do you think you are? who would you like to become? or where do you see yourself going? Sometimes we think we're on that path and WE'RE NOT! and that's when we need the prayer! 

      I felt myself getting really philosophical when trying to help her answer these questions. Let her know it's okay to say I don't know where I'm going? unless it's like I'm going to south africa on a missionary trip. God wants to help those who are pure and honest. If you are serious and honest with yourself then an answer that is "I don't know" will do just fine. I also wanted her to know that it will work regardless you don't need a questionnaire for prayer to work... I'm just gonna stop there... I can feel myself really getting into it, yet again. Point is I lost her on that one. But I was so surprised that I felt the way I did. or feel the way I do. I'll usually stop myself all the time because my head gets in the way and the skepticism prevails and it sucks ya know... 

       It just got me to think about a lot of things one of them being a dream that I had on the first night I decided to call it quits... 

         THE DREAM: We were sleeping (up in albany, where we lived). And the door opens, and I scoot to the end of the bed to see what the alls is going on. but there was "no one" there. When all of a sudden I feel the ambush of demons in my face. I couldn't directly see them, but I felt them in my face or when they sat on me. and I'm taking them on. They flung me up against the head board and held me down. and out of no where I start to recite the prayer of ST. Michael. (I don't know that prayer, in waking day. B knows it and I've heard it. But I don't know it) The door would close and they'd flee. Every time they came back they came back stronger, the door would open and I'd be there waiting. reciting this prayer louder and louder. all the while I'd look over and she was on her phone txting, not helping me at all. not even noticing. I think once she said something in the beginning like it's nothing, or no you got this. Something with no support at all. And I couldn't believe it. I recited the prayer one more time and they left. END DREAM

        That night I remember squeezing her arm. my body felt like I had rigor mortis. I was exhausted and I couldn't move when she woke up she was very concerned and asked what was wrong. I don't remember what I said to her but she put her arms around me and I fell asleep. The next morning she said that I told her the dream must have been nothing and probably how I was feeling about the breakup. I didn't remember saying that. I don't know if that was her manipulation, now that I think about it, or if that's what I really said. non the less I think about it now and I'm like was this a foreshadowing of now? and even still that in that dream I took them on. I knew enough to ask for ST. Michael. My faith was never as strong as hers. and as I turned into a monster, as I woke up to hauntings, I always wished that I could have what she has. I had no faith. Her light shined so bright and I never thought mine could ever be as bright. So I put it out. I let things stand in my path so I have a reason to run. 

      And when I think back on that dream I think a couple things, she did not even dare to help. and when it came time, I was more ready and willing to fight than I thought, I was scared but I knew who had my back on instinct. I am a fighter. And my light is bright. I let people and myself turn me into something I knew I was better than. I focused on bullshit that didn't matter. and I'm starting to see that ya know. She wasn't mine. I wasn't hers. And I'm stronger than I thought. I believe more than I think I do. My heart knows where it wants to be. and I have to remember that. I don't follow the laws of gravity, I defy them! I don't start commotion, I am one! and even in my fantasies of suicide. my lowest low, trips on hydrolics. I'm. not. that. girl! 

eLLe*

24

   24... TWENTY FOUR... Veinticuatro. an insignificant number on a scale of 1-100. yet in my life its the magic number. 22 years of building and perfecting a wall so foolproof not even an iceberg could break it. 23 that iceberg cracks it. and 24 my foolproof wall is fucking breaking and even the slightest spec of dust can demolish it. How is it that the wall that took me forever to build can break instantly. I MEAN SHIT! am i secretly IN angry birds! because the strategies are eating at me and hell do I feel defeated. All twenty something rounds completed. I sat in a room tonight full of artists, "angry" "bitter" artists that were soo sure of themselves and knew what they wanted, and felt the way they felt with no apologies. They weren't angry aimlessly, no definitely not. Somehow it felt like their target was me. not maliciously. But there were messages tonight and I was supposed to hear it. Every one hitting harder than the one before until the feature poet got up and I couldn't hold it. Tears flew out of my eyes and I knew there was no turning back once my shoulders wound up. It really didn't matter that I was in public. Their words were all too real. The excitement mixed up in a frenzy. No one else was crying but I was the idiot crying. I surely forgot how much I missed poetry, good poetry, spoken word. It always makes me uncomfortable with myself then places me in front of a mirror, or 10, and forces me not to hide.  Ya'll, I tell you. I'm soo fucking exposed right now. I have no wall. I'm trying hard as hell, scrambling for some type of sturdy material but its just not coming together. What the fuck is happening. I'm feeling everything all at once. every joy, every insecurity, every peer pressure, every "me" pressure. I got so numb crying over disappointment as a kid, I never really cried again. I'd shed a tear. maybe pour some liquor out for my peeps, idk. But instead of tears, I replaced it with displacement and anger. Anything in my path got destroyed. I was the fucking phenix. I gotta say I don't know if what i'm saying makes any sense. But I'm overwhelmed. Everything is changing soo quickly and I'm fucking scared. I'm freaking out! I'm panicking. Because she's not there to calm me down, or hold my hand as I take such small monumental steps. I see why people turn to drugs. it's too hard to deal with alone. There's just me... Just me. friends can only carry you home. but they can't like... idk, i don't know. I'm doing all of this alone. Nobody can fight the demons in my head. when my feelings are high they're fucking high when they're low, they're the pits and when it's quiet it's uncomfortable. All I have is myself. and we're usually in a fight so really where does that leave me. Everything is ON there's no off switch. I know what I want. I don't think I know what I want... I went up to the poet after she got off stage and came apart in her arms. I'm not sure she knew exactly what the alls is goings on, but she didn't care. and she told me, with the most confidence, I'm going to breakthrough. I will have a breakthrough. She doesn't realize it but she is a big influence in my life now. 24 its like where have I been, this whole time. The fact of the matter is that I've been so sheltered. My mom did her very best to make sure I didn't grow up faster than I had to. My mom is the fucking man! But at 24 there's only so much sheltering she's gonna do, be willing to do. and only so much I can let her do. So the words I said to my first ex as we broke up, "I need to know that I can do it on my own",  didn't quite happen when we broke up but I guess I'm figuring it out now... I don't think I'm ready to lock in that answer...

Current song:
med sma Skridt(med Maya Albana)- Mike Sheridan

*eLLe

untitled.(can't think of anything clever)

            I'm gonna go right ahead and say that after years and years of disappointment, of my dad and ex "best friends", You wont be another one. I am really fed up with being disappointed with humans. You've served your purpose, however short that was, but I believe that if I hang around any longer, I'm going to continue to look stupid. So let's hand in the uniform and call it quits. I wont argue for your spot in my life. you're not significant enough. I secretly wanted you to be. But you just wanted me to be a secret. and let me tell you, love... I'm NOBODY'S secret. I don't hate you, I wont curse you. And I'm definitely not going to argue. I just don't do friendship with people I slept with. My FRIENDS are not people that write on my facebook wall. My Friends are not people that I meet and then instantly we're inseparable. My Friends ARE the people I hold meaningful conversation with, hang out with them with out having it be this big to do. And most importantly my FRIENDS have seen me at my worst, soggy faced, runny make-up on the floor in shambles, at my lowest low. They have received txt messages from me because we all knew I couldn't txt my ex, but it needed to be let out of my system. So excuse me if I sound too harsh, but you're not doing anything significant in my life but causing indigestion... 

     More things have happened to me than I don't know what... the end of 2011 really took me for a ride. I've been having these "what the fuck is my life right now" moments all too often. And only recently my dreams are going back to the randomocity that are my thoughts, rather than these subliminal dreams with messages from the great beyond. it sometimes feels like I'm in a drunken stupor. Like WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! all too often I'm overwhelmed. I hold on to the moments that I can laugh so hard I cry because in those moments I, at least, can cry of happiness. Or well it can be masked by happiness but I know the truth. Tonight I tell you was one of those nights. Those baby steps that you start to take, start to add up until you stop long enough to look around you and think "damn I did all that" and all you can do is just cry. Mainly because shit is just not the same. Cuz you're angry. Cuz you're not angry. Cuz you're secretly happier and in a better spot in your life. or cuz you're not. who the fuck knows but you find yourself walking through grand central alone ,with a furry animal hat on, after being surrounded by a bunch of people that care for you, only to feel confused with all this pent up emotion which was probably everyone else's emotion that you soaked in and you don't know what to do with it, until you're left with your own. In one instance you want a special person in your life to give all your energy to, to make you feel complete. to say. I love you, schnuckums! to gaze happily into their eyes and feel so secure in their arms. and know that nothing else matters. And then snapping back to reality and understanding you just like the idea of love. and because you watch all these disney shows and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" you've somehow equated life to a sitcom. and the truth of the matter is that the only person that needs to come first is you. Six months out of a relationship is good but you have a lot to go. you're not nearly as sane as you think you are. and anyone that comes close to you past flirtation is gonna get beat over the head with a louisville slugger. preferably metal. And lets be honest, I can't even look back on everything that happened without feeling the anger and rage pulse through my veins until i get tunnel vision. I feel like the incredible hulk when I talk about this chick. I've never had such anger and hatred for a person in such a LONG time. So much so that I never ever wanna randomly bump into this person on the street. That's how I know I'm not okay. I can usually recover easily... retract. I lied I never could. I was just always distracted and convinced myself that I was good. when the truth is i never did sift through what I did wrong or right, in depth. I just don't want to do something or say something I don't mean all because I have all this pent up emotion. I'm trying to be careful but like for realz tho. Then I'm always reminded that, that wasn't a good idea after when I feel all gross and despicable. I guess I wont truly be happy until I find myself on stage impacting the world. But in this industry the progress is so small you can hardly tell if you're actually moving, and I'll be damned if i find out that i'm moving but a little backwards. I've got a mind that races a mile a minute. I want to be everything, do everything please everyone. Mean something to everyone that I came in contact with... The sad part is, that even if I did I would never believe you.

Current Song(s)

Portishead Albums

eLLe*