Don't touch me

... and the tears streamed.
I have to get it out but with nobody to talk to. and after this, I'm sure I don't need any criticisms. I don't need feedback on my energy and what I need to do. and negativity and such which and so forth. I'm not interested in the least. any who. God help me, when a family member see's this.
    It was only the icing on the cake. The one action that solidified the fact that I'm not ready, I'm not okay.  as we started I just kept thinking like wait I really don't have an interest with you being here and the coition currently taking place. He was like talking to me and I was just like, mmm I wish you wouldn't. for lack of a better word I felt disgusted. and the more I thought about my non existing comfortability. I started to cry. I was like hmm do you think if I asked him to just stop and then get out. It would be a real egg in the face moment for him. It sucked because there was no rhythm, no syncopation. I was completely disconnected. asking me questions. I'm like really? do what you want. cuz I'm really not here. and I wish you weren't so yea. speedy in and out, can we make that happen. I'm almost positive he felt that vibe. and the tears are now streaming down my face. every time he was in a position to not see my face I'm like hysterical. Don't get me wrong it didn't feel like rape or anything. I just was more feeling like wow I can't even stroke your ego. Like I don't want to touch it, I'm not really attracted to you, I've been in a weird funk these last couple days, It's not you it's me, I mean I called him. so what did I expect. I only cried myself to sleep on the train ride home two hours before, so like yea. So now at this point I'm pulling tricks out of my vagina, so he can finish. success. and I laid there. and I'm like I hope he doesn't expect me to cuddle. we spoke a little after, but I had to remove myself from the vision and get it out. he slept a little before he left, I didn't. I trembled myself into a sleep like trance. he was fucking sprawled out and I'm thinking don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me. he put his leg up I spazzed out. I found a way to get him out but I know I wasn't much fun. and half of the crying was because I was really sorry I couldn't give a great acting performance.
       When we spoke a little after. I could hardly speak actually. like he was asking review questions and I had to curb my enthusiasm. I've been so cheeky recently just waiting to kiss people with my spade tongue. I'm thinking to myself stop, be nice. It's not his fault you're an emotional wreck. However this is solidifying that this is not what I want either. I couldn't help but think what if these were people that I liked. I would have just dug my grave built the coffin and laid in it, alive.

I'm in a state. and now off to work where I'll be read for filth about my energy.
that's another entry for another time

eLLe*

Current song(s)

A thousand years- Christina Perry
Waiting on a War- 36 Crazy fists.