She knows me like the back of my hand! Ugh it's to be expected I suppose, she is my best friend. Her concerns are my concerns. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against her wishes and put that Guard back up. I mean yea, I should stop fighting my feelings. But I'm elyse it's what I do. I have to protect myself, JB is trouble. It's going to bite me in the ass. On Friday I felt the crazy come out. I really don't have it in me. I hate that feeling, I'm not gonna come out alive in this one. She's a crafty one and I need to watch out. I want to shut her out and run in the other direction! I really don't want to address truthfully everything that I feel. I can't put it into the universe, it will be disastrous. I don't like what I become when I have a crush on someone. And again Friday reminded me of that. This wall has to go back up because seriously, We've spent too much time together already, I don't want to make the same mistake. BFF advises against it, but I have to stay on my toes. I'm starting to take root. If I take root, then I have to take off. Okay let's try this again... Time to disappear. Good thing I'll be away for a week. I don't want any part of this! I'm done. I do better by myself.
Here's to perfecting my wall of steel!
Elyse*
Current song(s):
Breathe me- Sia (mylo remix)
Humming- Portishead
Hunter- Portishead
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
5 AM
Fucking 5 am and here I am, still awake. I was so sure I'd be sleep by now but instead I'm up crying like a pansy watching "The Other Sister". Really elle? Just ridiculous. I never wanna cry and then I find myself in the middle of the water works and at that point I'm just like Fuck it! I mean that movie was so well cast and thuroughly done. Ugh just amazing... Am I gonna go to bed? The movie is over. Nope. I'm gonna keep up with Diane Keaton and "First wives club" it up! I only wish I had the family stone on DVD because of coarse netflix doesn't want to have anything I'd like to watch.
Whatever the fuck, it's 5 am and I'm just up. I know exactly when I'm gonna go to bed. That's the part that kills. Only to indulge in another week of faux smiles and nauseating small talk. Hold your fcuking tongue elle!!!
Be silent, be still.
Elyse you're so restless, you wonder through fields of holly, hoping to walk the streets of gold. Just wait.
In shadows, I hide my deepest memory. In darkness, I hide in plain sight. In present, I seek to rectify my past... And the future never comes to light.
Elysium
Current song(s):
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik
Whatever the fuck, it's 5 am and I'm just up. I know exactly when I'm gonna go to bed. That's the part that kills. Only to indulge in another week of faux smiles and nauseating small talk. Hold your fcuking tongue elle!!!
Be silent, be still.
Elyse you're so restless, you wonder through fields of holly, hoping to walk the streets of gold. Just wait.
In shadows, I hide my deepest memory. In darkness, I hide in plain sight. In present, I seek to rectify my past... And the future never comes to light.
Elysium
Current song(s):
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Top shelf
What the shit! He started confessing!!! Wait what?!! NONONO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!
I'm really trying to figure out what a sex life is... Yea I know... 26 and I'm still not sure of how to casually sex. (It's a good problem, I'm pretty okay with that) anywhoo! Hooking up? What is that how do we do that? Who do you do that with? Am I allowed to just have someone in my bed but like don't touch me?! I've heard stories but how do I make this work for me ya know.
In an effort to figure this out, I figure okay you gotta be heartless ya know, we don't love them hoes! I'm all pretty woman with that shit, I'm like "nah I don't kiss on the mouth, shits too personal B, I ain't bout that life. Idk how people can have sex and not get attached so I'm not looking you in the eye and I'd rather not kiss you the way I would with someone I like. Unless I'm trying to steal your soul, play with my victims before I destroy them. Nah but seriously, did you know that if a shark gets flipped on it's back, it goes into a coma like state? Well whales know that and that's how they defeat the shark and EAT them! Yea. Crazy shit. Random snapple fact. Don't look into my eyes. I get got son. That's my kryptonite. Where was I? Oh right, so these are things I don't do. If this is potentially just gonna be sex then nah none of that. I've also thought up sales pitches like: hey my hip flexers really need to be opened up, I'm working on flexibility for dance and my hip flexers suck! Care to help? I mean really no one is turning this down haha but instead dude hits me with some I need to be available emotionally. Errrrr????? Excuse me? Nope. He thought I was playing him by starting and then being like uh no... Yes I like to be in control, but I'm also postive that I like the thought of sex more then doing it. And I haven't been with someone intimately in a little over a year or so, so yes I shut shit down quick! Pineapples! He says it pays to be emotionally available and I'm like no! Backspace delete! I'm ever so sure I'm never gonna romp around with again after that. I started feeling wierd and awkward and exposed... And then...
...We meet again friendly rompage commencing, he starts asking follow up questions to our heart to heart last time and I'm just thinking like nope! I don't allow people in my space stop trying to ask me why you're different as if to soften me up. Not gonna happen. So you're thinking elyse he likes you. No he doesn't, he's like me, has to be in control. He wants me to confess and to gush and I'm like meh, I suppose. He even brought up how wierd we are and how surface our "relationship" is and I'm like yea that's where it's gonna stay. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he's sewing his royal oats, he plays with his food but never eats it. He told me that in our first convo. I don't forget!
There he is the next morning. Confessing. His insecurities. Wait what?!!! Nooo don't do that. What are these mind games. And why are you telling me this? You were soooooo confident before and then he just blurts it out. Ummmm. I'm flattered? I'm confused. Why are you telling me this and where did that come from? I'm not letting you in though. So tell your story walking. I'm so not interested in giving emotionally. And especially to someone who will be careless with it. The last thing you want is for me to be emotionally available. It's like Pandora's box. And really. Ain't NOBODY got time for that! I could see if this was going somewhere but we both no it's not. Yea sure let me add my name to your list! NOT get outta here... If the first thing you tell me is you don't want a girlfriend the whole operation is shut down. Now you're asking me to be more accessible to you by making it seem like it's gonna benefit me??? Hahaha bye Felicia! My liquor's top shelf.
*elyse
Current song(s):
I'm really trying to figure out what a sex life is... Yea I know... 26 and I'm still not sure of how to casually sex. (It's a good problem, I'm pretty okay with that) anywhoo! Hooking up? What is that how do we do that? Who do you do that with? Am I allowed to just have someone in my bed but like don't touch me?! I've heard stories but how do I make this work for me ya know.
In an effort to figure this out, I figure okay you gotta be heartless ya know, we don't love them hoes! I'm all pretty woman with that shit, I'm like "nah I don't kiss on the mouth, shits too personal B, I ain't bout that life. Idk how people can have sex and not get attached so I'm not looking you in the eye and I'd rather not kiss you the way I would with someone I like. Unless I'm trying to steal your soul, play with my victims before I destroy them. Nah but seriously, did you know that if a shark gets flipped on it's back, it goes into a coma like state? Well whales know that and that's how they defeat the shark and EAT them! Yea. Crazy shit. Random snapple fact. Don't look into my eyes. I get got son. That's my kryptonite. Where was I? Oh right, so these are things I don't do. If this is potentially just gonna be sex then nah none of that. I've also thought up sales pitches like: hey my hip flexers really need to be opened up, I'm working on flexibility for dance and my hip flexers suck! Care to help? I mean really no one is turning this down haha but instead dude hits me with some I need to be available emotionally. Errrrr????? Excuse me? Nope. He thought I was playing him by starting and then being like uh no... Yes I like to be in control, but I'm also postive that I like the thought of sex more then doing it. And I haven't been with someone intimately in a little over a year or so, so yes I shut shit down quick! Pineapples! He says it pays to be emotionally available and I'm like no! Backspace delete! I'm ever so sure I'm never gonna romp around with again after that. I started feeling wierd and awkward and exposed... And then...
...We meet again friendly rompage commencing, he starts asking follow up questions to our heart to heart last time and I'm just thinking like nope! I don't allow people in my space stop trying to ask me why you're different as if to soften me up. Not gonna happen. So you're thinking elyse he likes you. No he doesn't, he's like me, has to be in control. He wants me to confess and to gush and I'm like meh, I suppose. He even brought up how wierd we are and how surface our "relationship" is and I'm like yea that's where it's gonna stay. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he's sewing his royal oats, he plays with his food but never eats it. He told me that in our first convo. I don't forget!
There he is the next morning. Confessing. His insecurities. Wait what?!!! Nooo don't do that. What are these mind games. And why are you telling me this? You were soooooo confident before and then he just blurts it out. Ummmm. I'm flattered? I'm confused. Why are you telling me this and where did that come from? I'm not letting you in though. So tell your story walking. I'm so not interested in giving emotionally. And especially to someone who will be careless with it. The last thing you want is for me to be emotionally available. It's like Pandora's box. And really. Ain't NOBODY got time for that! I could see if this was going somewhere but we both no it's not. Yea sure let me add my name to your list! NOT get outta here... If the first thing you tell me is you don't want a girlfriend the whole operation is shut down. Now you're asking me to be more accessible to you by making it seem like it's gonna benefit me??? Hahaha bye Felicia! My liquor's top shelf.
*elyse
Current song(s):
Monday, January 6, 2014
Me vs. Myself
I get that itch. But I can't scratch. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE. You tell yourself "okay this will be the last time, I promise it's not gonna bother me. I just need to get it out of my system." Yea it's out of your system when you don't find something that will destroy you. But you almost hope to find it. So every time becomes the "last time" but it never is. Unless you really buckle down. It's gonna bother you, and yet another night of tear soaked pillows and screaming headaches, you can't unsee things, and you wonder "why did I do that? I'm never doing that again!" Then you go on a "fuck the world" spree for about a week or so. And there goes that fucking Itch!!! You almost start to fall in love with your pain. And then I start to have these outter body experiences where I find myself asking "but who is she?" Literally. I can't place her face I can't place who she is or was she to me. And as I start to release the balloons into the sky, sheer panic crosses over and I'm grasping all the balloons that haven't gotten away yet. The awesome part is, these moments happen more and more... I have fewer balloons! Feeding my itch would only be giving me new balloons. It's pathetic absolutely. At this point it's not a matter of does she think of me. It's all about me. Hahaha... I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time accepting the things I can't change. I have a hard time forgiving. I can't heel. In an effort to figure out how to deal with those things, right now I'm gambling almost everything; Jobs, emotions, friends and family, activities, even home, I'm putting stability on the line. I have a hard time with uncertainty, with change, with the unknown. I'm throwing everything to the wind, slowly burning bridges without the other bridges completely built. Pissing people off,while writing others off. For about 5 minutes I seem to care, and then I'm like eh whatever happens next is gonna happen next. I can't say I completely don't care but I do understand that my actions have consequences. So let's ruffle feathers and push buttons. I'm young and I'm cookie cutter. My 20s are almost over, let's have fun and have some close calls. It's like I'm playing CHICKEN! So, I'm kinda putting myself in a hole, kind of still digging it and now I'm like "get yourself out! You got yourself here, push through. you're emotions are displaced, figure out the source and attack that. Remember your strengths cuz you have a lot... " and suddenly all those fears turn into amo. And I come out like Rambo! I just get distracted. The past is always there to remind me of how I have failed. I don't like to lose! But sometimes you have to lose to get something better. We're pushing forward, we gotta lose... Right? I don't fucking now. There's that DAMN uncertainty. You can't always be in control. Ugh. I've just decided I'm totally over talking about it. This whole thing.
I just needed to vent to hopefully distract me. That worked until it didn't and now I'm just gonna put myself to bed. Full days ahead, yay for keeping busy!!!
*elysium
Hayling- FC Kahuna
I remember- kaskade
I just needed to vent to hopefully distract me. That worked until it didn't and now I'm just gonna put myself to bed. Full days ahead, yay for keeping busy!!!
*elysium
Hayling- FC Kahuna
I remember- kaskade
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