(SIGH OF RELIEF) she's exactly what I needed!
I've been struggling with myself and how I want to "come off" to others, trying to appeal to everyone. I wanna be a "real boy" but it always comes back to extravagance... I am Extravagant. Nothing left to do but embrace it! This woman embodies everything that I've been trying to suppress! but she embraces it and she does it so beautifully! She's strong, she's tough, she's masculine, she's feminine, she's edgy, she's a classic beauty. She's statuesque, she's stunning, timeless, confident. In your face. she's a woman fearless and FIERCE!!! I have so much respect for her.
I've always struggled with the fact that I'm not cute. I didn't grow up cute or pretty. I felt inadequate when it came to those type of girls because they usually got the guys that I wanted. The women in my family were/are not cute. Just a FORCE to be reckoned with. we are not societies stay in the kitchen type woman. (well maybe one of us is) but we're really just some rosie the riveter type women! I guess I always kind of resented them for it. Because I wanted to be that cutesie kind of girl. But I rather enjoy being the girl that dabbles and plays with gender rules and roles. I like being cheeky, I like defying gravity. guess what I'm scared to. when I was younger I wasn't now I am. And now I'm getting it back. The more time I spend in the city the more I find my muchness.
For a while I had lost my inspiration for makeup. I work in a makeup store and they want us to get excited about new season trends and looks and colors. "It's nice, but not so much amazing". I'm an artist. not a person who's good at make so that makes me an artist. NO. I'm an ARTIST. I have to be inspired to create. Be it songs, drawings, makeup, costumes or photography. That inspiration just wasn't working. and I'm stubborn so when I'm not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. and you know what I'm not going to apologize for it. not after meeting her.
This girl is amazing and I salute her shorts because she's fabulous! and it let's me know that I can be who I am and make no apologies for it. Embrace it! don't worry about who's gonna want you or not gonna want you. you gotta do your THANG! and they can either fall in line, or don't waste your time. But she's just given me that boost of inspiration that I really needed. It's reassuring. I was trying NOT to go towards the light. but in seeing the big picture, WE ARE WHO WE ARE! and I'm amaze balls. I AM THE LIGHT :-)
Current song:
Defying Gravity- Wicked
*eLLe
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
11:11
Make a wish! I've been thinking a lot about it lately and the person who came up with this is genious. I tip my hat to you. I always find myself really happy when I look at the clock and it reads 11:11 but then I get all nervous because I really wanna make it count. So now a simple wish turns into a conversation with myself as I wish for something and go "no, that's not a wish that's a prayer. but you really want it to happen! yes! but that takes effort and planning, it's a little more serious then to just throw it around frivolously in a wish". So I don't wish for that. and I come up with something else that I could settle on. and then the planning begins, I swear, I like make up a list of wishes so that I'm prepared for the next time 11:11 rolls around I wont be so nervous and forget. Then there are those moments that it does roll around and you know exactly what to wish for, because you've been thinking about it for days, weeks even... *SIDE NOTE* I happened to look up and the clock read 11:11, joy in my heart, I was ready ;)* back to the realness.
But lately I start to think about it more in depth. For example how many of those wishes came true because it fell on your lap or because you MADE it happen? Is 11:11 a placebo? makes us think it's working when it only pushes us to go after the things we really want. Or it really is just a waste of time period because you can't wish things to happen, it's just a set up for failure cuz there usually is no action behind it. IDK! Or maybe it's a little of both. It works sometimes and maybe it is just a placebo.
I think it ties into faith. Just having faith in something. If you truly have faith in your heart then what you want will come true. For kids and adults alike it's fun and light hearted. It's always good to believe in something! I just feel like it's an alternative to God maybe, sometimes. Like how many times do you hear people say "just pray and leave it up to God and he will take care of you." and how many times do you see people roll their eyes or scoff at a person. It doesn't matter what you believe in religion wise because whenever it is brought up it's like oh hear we go. Now, somehow saying "look a shooting star make a wish!" or "11:11 make a wish" it's like okay I'll secretly do it, or I'll do it because my kids are really into into it. For whatever reason we've chosen, we'll still make a wish over pray. Some how it makes it less "heavy"... Now I make a lot of wishes on 11:11, I don't think they actually come true though. But I know that when my head and my heart are in a place, I subconsciously wish for things and it happens. Sometimes I like to think it's because of my powers hahaha but usually in my case I think it's just Gods way of saying "hey, you deserve it kid".
I remember when I was a kid and I'd be in a store with my mom. I'd see so many little toys that I WANTED, so I'd ask my mom for it. she'd say no. I would give her reasons for "needing" it and she'd always say no. I'd beg and plead and then I would say but I NEED it. she'd stop turn around and always say something like do you really need it. or just really really want it. because you already have tons of toys like this... and just the paused look on my face she'd reply, that's what I thought. Instant defeat I was pissed. Now it's not to say my mom never got me things. but whenever I did what I had to do or worked for it, earned it, or whenever she felt like hey sure lets get you something, she would. But she always made sure that we understood that they are rewards. I look at 11:11 like that now. I make all the wishes I want, maybe the fates will say "sure why not, it's on the house, gotta keep the magic going" but at the end of the day you work for what you want and earn it. but when it's something you really need, YOU GOT IT
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
fix your own heart
Okay so I saw this status my family member reposted. It said something like " sometimes a man has to help heal your heart before he gets to have it" some shit like that. and the comments back were like "that's so true" and "sometimes... Always" and "the man has to be the absorber of her pain"... (gag)
Then it just so happened that the Danity Kane song "Damaged" came on. and one of the lines of the song asks "how you gonna fix it?" The guy before you damaged it so can you fix it.
Ladies and gentlemen! listen to me. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN HEART! Don't ask for help figure it out cut the shit. and if anyone proposes that idea on you, WALK THE FUCK AWAY! That is a big burden for anyone. we are not "captain save'm". The second anyone tries to take on a task like that they're destined for failure! It's a lot of pressure to withhold and it is not fair to ask of somebody. If you're not ready to be in a relationship then don't! aint nobody rushing you, telling you, you have to be. so slow down! I fell for it! I thought I could take all of her pieces and put them back together, show her, her capabilities. IT worked until it didn't.
What I'm driving at is that. As the "fixer" we feel that we are "THAT ONE" we're Neo, we can save the matrix because we are not like everybody else. Humans have always had an obsession with being super human... So when we happen upon that person we feel like we have to take on the challenge. when in fact the challenge is NOT helping to heal a person or FIXING the person the challenge is are you gonna be smart enough to say listen I'm not going there, this can be a bad idea and I'm not sure as to why I'd have to fix something that somebody else did. Further more, as the fixer, you don't know the severity of the issue. Sometimes a person is not "firing on all 8's" and now you signed up for something and now you need healing. Leave the saving to Jesus! we are only human. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make them drink. and you will find that people don't actually want help they just want to bitch and they need a punching bag!! now look at the abuse you just signed up for! JOY!
as for the damsel in distress. Stop being lazy, stop bitching cut the shit! it's not easy it never was. It's rude to expect someone to do that. and if you're constantly looking for someone to fix it how will you ever learn? there's nothing more rewarding than knowing you can do something. and dealing with emotions the right way is so controversial and about the hardest thing you can do, in my opinion. when it comes down to YOU and your core, nobody can help you with that. Don't be that lame. you'll find yourself in the same place you started. and then you'll hit 50 and stilling wondering why? asking somebody to take pity on you, which may have worked when you're young, but now you're just damaged goods!
it's not a pretty process. but everybody's gotta do it.
just saying.
eLLe
Then it just so happened that the Danity Kane song "Damaged" came on. and one of the lines of the song asks "how you gonna fix it?" The guy before you damaged it so can you fix it.
Ladies and gentlemen! listen to me. FIX YOUR OWN DAMN HEART! Don't ask for help figure it out cut the shit. and if anyone proposes that idea on you, WALK THE FUCK AWAY! That is a big burden for anyone. we are not "captain save'm". The second anyone tries to take on a task like that they're destined for failure! It's a lot of pressure to withhold and it is not fair to ask of somebody. If you're not ready to be in a relationship then don't! aint nobody rushing you, telling you, you have to be. so slow down! I fell for it! I thought I could take all of her pieces and put them back together, show her, her capabilities. IT worked until it didn't.
What I'm driving at is that. As the "fixer" we feel that we are "THAT ONE" we're Neo, we can save the matrix because we are not like everybody else. Humans have always had an obsession with being super human... So when we happen upon that person we feel like we have to take on the challenge. when in fact the challenge is NOT helping to heal a person or FIXING the person the challenge is are you gonna be smart enough to say listen I'm not going there, this can be a bad idea and I'm not sure as to why I'd have to fix something that somebody else did. Further more, as the fixer, you don't know the severity of the issue. Sometimes a person is not "firing on all 8's" and now you signed up for something and now you need healing. Leave the saving to Jesus! we are only human. you can lead a cow to water but you can't make them drink. and you will find that people don't actually want help they just want to bitch and they need a punching bag!! now look at the abuse you just signed up for! JOY!
as for the damsel in distress. Stop being lazy, stop bitching cut the shit! it's not easy it never was. It's rude to expect someone to do that. and if you're constantly looking for someone to fix it how will you ever learn? there's nothing more rewarding than knowing you can do something. and dealing with emotions the right way is so controversial and about the hardest thing you can do, in my opinion. when it comes down to YOU and your core, nobody can help you with that. Don't be that lame. you'll find yourself in the same place you started. and then you'll hit 50 and stilling wondering why? asking somebody to take pity on you, which may have worked when you're young, but now you're just damaged goods!
it's not a pretty process. but everybody's gotta do it.
just saying.
eLLe
Friday, March 9, 2012
My labyrinthian Mind
Gray.
The only way to describe how I've been feeling. Who knew that a communication major would have such a hard time at communicating. It comes and it goes. and I can't help but feel like I'd rather have it go. It's so uncomfortable. My blood races, hands clam up shortness of breath and I'd much rather walk away... Well you have to do it! no don't do it this way! you sound like this! he'll think that!... i'm damn confused. Speak up it's not that serious! open your mouth and form sound! NOOOOOOOO! If you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers now, just wait! cuz this right now is nothing. This is but a snowflake at the tip of an iceberg and not even the part that floats way below the surface. So what are you gonna do? I wanna walk away it's done deal. so then why haven't you yet? cuz you're so busy with yourself that the others slip through the cracks. Elyse fight for something. Fight for this INSANITY... Fight for this AUDITION... Fight for your JOB/CAREER... PROVE that you deserve this ITALY trip... Fight FOR yourself not WITH yourself... then maybe fighting for the people you want to have in your life will be a breeze. Okay so vulnerability(gosh i hate that word) is really a big task for you. but in the act of speaking up for yourself and believing in yourself as far as job and careers go and working out and Italy. that vulnerability(ugh) is a less scary concept. and you'll be able to understand when you want something, need something or when you DESERVE something.
This weekend you have an audition, and wednesday you have a recital. Both dealing with singing. you better sing with that voice God gave you! When you sing Rolling in the deep you better sing with every frustration, emotion, depth, elegance and grace that you possess, so that you can't say you didn't give it all you got.... and when that recital comes you better sing as if you are singing in front of the greats! like you are in florence and you own it! " The time has come for you to lip sync, for your life"... only no lip syncing but real singing.
As far as INSANITY goes. it's only gonna get harder. and you've started to see improvements especially in your back, but you're coasting. DIG DEEPER! FOCUS! take all that anger to drive yourself to that goal, scream if you have to but you better WERK!!
as far as people go. you've always had a strong intuition as to whether a person should breathe your air or not. so if a persons on your mind this much, not even in a sexual way, but somebody you truly enjoy then go with it... But maybe revisit it when you're feeling more like yourself.
(my "coaching session")
I feel another song coming on!!
*eLLe
current song(s):
Titanium- David Guetta feat Sia
No Beef- Afrojack and Steve aoki
The only way to describe how I've been feeling. Who knew that a communication major would have such a hard time at communicating. It comes and it goes. and I can't help but feel like I'd rather have it go. It's so uncomfortable. My blood races, hands clam up shortness of breath and I'd much rather walk away... Well you have to do it! no don't do it this way! you sound like this! he'll think that!... i'm damn confused. Speak up it's not that serious! open your mouth and form sound! NOOOOOOOO! If you feel like everything is slipping through your fingers now, just wait! cuz this right now is nothing. This is but a snowflake at the tip of an iceberg and not even the part that floats way below the surface. So what are you gonna do? I wanna walk away it's done deal. so then why haven't you yet? cuz you're so busy with yourself that the others slip through the cracks. Elyse fight for something. Fight for this INSANITY... Fight for this AUDITION... Fight for your JOB/CAREER... PROVE that you deserve this ITALY trip... Fight FOR yourself not WITH yourself... then maybe fighting for the people you want to have in your life will be a breeze. Okay so vulnerability(gosh i hate that word) is really a big task for you. but in the act of speaking up for yourself and believing in yourself as far as job and careers go and working out and Italy. that vulnerability(ugh) is a less scary concept. and you'll be able to understand when you want something, need something or when you DESERVE something.
This weekend you have an audition, and wednesday you have a recital. Both dealing with singing. you better sing with that voice God gave you! When you sing Rolling in the deep you better sing with every frustration, emotion, depth, elegance and grace that you possess, so that you can't say you didn't give it all you got.... and when that recital comes you better sing as if you are singing in front of the greats! like you are in florence and you own it! " The time has come for you to lip sync, for your life"... only no lip syncing but real singing.
As far as INSANITY goes. it's only gonna get harder. and you've started to see improvements especially in your back, but you're coasting. DIG DEEPER! FOCUS! take all that anger to drive yourself to that goal, scream if you have to but you better WERK!!
as far as people go. you've always had a strong intuition as to whether a person should breathe your air or not. so if a persons on your mind this much, not even in a sexual way, but somebody you truly enjoy then go with it... But maybe revisit it when you're feeling more like yourself.
(my "coaching session")
I feel another song coming on!!
*eLLe
current song(s):
Titanium- David Guetta feat Sia
No Beef- Afrojack and Steve aoki
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