The sticking place

     My mind continues to roam desperately through these abandoned buildings I call memories looking for my heart at least I told myself it was my heart. Hoping to stumble on hers. There in the gallows. A history so battered, that to even try to remember the good would add you to the souls that haunt it. My remains dug up by a girl who cares. Nursed to life with her love and her life, she wants to save me. And when I say I love you and I'm sorry for abandoning you for a dream. We both knew that wasn't entirely true. I love you is enough for her. But I can't look her in the eye. Not without looking back. Not without wondering if anyone secretly felt the same way. I can't love her because another does not love me. I wonder to the river mindlessly hoping to drink from something that once gave me life. It's not my river. She waits patiently hoping I see all the things in me she sees.
      I can save myself but why won't I take her hand.  I hurt her. She's patient. She tries to save me from the gallows and she watches  me fall back into torment. I must be a masochistic. I need to trust her. She's never failed me. I've known her 26 yrs she's never failed me. In fact, she's one of a kind. And like everyone else I throw her. I fight with her. Silence her. She's still here. What will it take for me to say you're right. This one time I didn't want her to be right. I guess I'm greedy. And I don't understand.
I heard a lyric that put me to tears and shook me something fierce " you don't have to give up, to let go" and as I ride shot gun with the view of Boston, it appeared and it went as if I should float out of my skin. I feel so restricted. Don't go there elle, she says. Stay on this path. Stay with me. I know I will NEVER leave you. I'm you, and you're me. But I'll wait until you're ready... Elysium.

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Kaskade- I remember
Bachelorette- Bjork
Letting go- Isaac Shepard

Over my dead body

      Over my dead fucking body. Transpiring. I'm as dead as could be. Two swipes can't bleed. Push harder. Need sharper. I don't exist. Over my dead fucking body! Pass the spade. Hydrolics you let me down. I floated on clouds. High above the mountains. You didn't last. Kill the pain. Chase the taste. You work so quickly. I'm not, no... No I'm not. Bleed bitch. Hahaha you look stupid. You would waste your last breath calling a name that never claimed you. Stifling yourself to prove what, you might be in love but she's not with you. You're in stupid. Over your dead body. I will arrange that. You're already flocking to it. You get what you want Elysium can come sooner than you think. Can you put it to rest. Can you? Over my dead fucking body. I'll not have it. No! Tear me apart into bits and pieces, un-fuse me, wrap me gaws.substitue pain for for for  cheap happiness and and and substitute cheap happiness for for face. Save it. No no no, no no this isn't happening.
    If my eyes could tell a story. I wouldn't believe it. Farcical nonsense. Don't do this. I ache for meanings and truths that I can't handle. Wasting away longing for dreams that will never come to life.

I must be dreaming.

No over my dead body... Well... May angels guide me in

Elysium


Current song(s):

"Bjork radio" <3

Reaally Elle?

         I'm literally feeling a bunch of things all at once. Leave it to me to attract a fucking Scorpio. What caught me is that she resembles Ly. Then as we got to talking, she said " I get what I want..." And I froze and said what is your sign, at that point I already knew, she's like what do you think and I'm like "what is your sign?!" She says Scorpio and I just shut down. Scorpio flocks to me like it's nobody's business. I met her again tonight. I'm so damn confused. Because after I met her we've been texting and I went home excited, and then reality set in and I was over it. I wanted no part in that transaction. For some reason I still hold out for November. Wondering what's gonna happen with Ly. I always seem to put everyone second for her.  This girl resembles her, why not be with the real thing. Well it's her lameness that I question. So what if November 9th comes and there she is. I know we'll spark. We have that about us. But I can't keep lying to myself... Anyway, A Scorpio? I need that intensity but I'm scared as fuck. And at this moment, I'm confused. What is dating? what is a relationship? I don't know what I have left to give. I make her nervous. I'm like dude relax. I don't make people nervous I'm just elyse like it's really nothing. I wanted her and now I don't want her. But then I see her again tonight and I'm like idk what to think. I want to scream and shout. Bleeding from my eyes I'm paralyzed! I'm stuck. I don't want a relationship.  I like the idea but I don't. Or do I.
     I've never belonged to anyone. I guess I kinda want to belong to someone. I want someone to want all of me. Good/bad.  Beautiful/ ugly.  Hot/ cold. Every thing! Idk what a relationship is idk what's a good one. Are we talking? Are we not? I thought she wasn't interested but she just kept saying I make her nervous. I see myself with her in a way that says I don't.  Another Scorpio. She doesn't seem anything like lord voldemort yet there are small links. And the small links mess me up more. (Fell asleep writing this! Good mourning). I just don't know what I want. So I ask for everything.... In albany I remember turning to tiff, at work after seeing my students dad, and saying I want to date a 40+ 50 man. Just once just to say I did it... Well there he is a Belgian cyclist, kinda really good looking and I'm like nope. Well more like "maybe, I doubt it, uh idk"... Anyway. I guess my being on the fence Is good cuz I'll slow it down. I got the thumbs up from my friends. And naturally from hers. Gay men love me it's not fair to go off of, Wait yes it is!
    Would I be crazy if I said I'm over it. Like I just thought about it. :-x I'm like the little kid from the incredibles.
Dad: Hey kid! What are you waiting for?
Kid: I dunno, something amazing I guess.

Elle? You're ridiculous...

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Calling your name- Anomaly
Clarity- Zedd

Jump

      Could I be crazy enough to actually go through with this? As pondered over good food and hard cider. I think I just might. If I give myself til June. Truthfully I don't want to wait that long. I don't like to wait. I made a commitment like just made a commitment so I need to honor it. But seriously what does commitment weigh these days anyway. I have my rational mind then I have my Disney mind. Which is a head full of dreams and a heart as big as the moon. But I've been turning dreams into reality lately. Do I wait to see the dreams I've conjured up manifest or do I abandon them to makes new ones. A shark dies if he doesn't keep swimming. And I. Feel like a statue... My rational mind is saying. Don't get carried away. Finish one thing before you pick up another. Ppl are counting on you. But I'm young.
       There's a fire and I'm drawn to it. It will burn but at least I'll have a story to tell. I'm always cautious Cathy but I'm feeling a way. I wanna stick my middle finger in the air and say fcuk you. I wanna dance in the rain naked. I wanna be free and not feel bounded by anything or anyone.
   The other night I had a dream that floated around in a yard naked in fact I purposely took my clothes off to prance around in public naked! And I did so with my head high. And whenever I felt the need to cover myself. I did so the way I wanted to and when I wanted to. It felt amazing. Growing up my naked dreams were filled with angst and panic. Over the years they began to shift.
      Am I crazy enough to do this? Well define crazy. If by crazy you mean fearless and goes after what she wants. Then yes I'm defying gravity. I'm fucking crazy! Shit it's not like anybody really understands half the shit I do anyway. I don't make sense to you shit don't make sense to myself. This is one "impulse" I want to act on, I will do this! I'll blueprint for a year but keep my eyes open and my nose sharp for now. I'm way too excited!! (Devilish laugh)




*Elysium

Current song(s):
Defying gravity-wicked
Jump- Madonna
Strut- cheetah girls
Alive- krewella

Come down.

    I'm slowly coming down off this high. My birthday was amazing! Everything felt great. I didn't turn off any of social media pages. I just let the good times roll, I'm worth it. I deserve it. Everything worked out and everytime I could see myself getting tense or upset I didn't. I pushed through. Omg for the first time in a long time I couldn't step in that hallway at my grandmas house. It shook me. They're watching me and they're here. And they wanted me to have an amazing birthday and I did. Peach thinks it's because it's libra season but you know what? it's always libra season. Haha, I'm coming down and it's not a crash. It's like the scene of willy wonka and the chocolate factory where they stole fizzy lifting drinks .... Burping was there way to come down. But they came down slowly and safely. Yea all that!
      I think the sleep had everything to do with it. Sleep is my saving grace. Idk why but it reminds me  of Coraline. When she starts to see the other side. Hahaha. After this run on Saturday. I can coast. And relax. My head is everywhere, all over the place, whilst I'm thankful for every up and down that transpires and Boston really being my home. I still need to stay true to every emotion that I feel, pour out a liquor for the homies and then carry on.
    Right now the dust is settling and it's still a little hazy but I know it's settling. A while ago I wrote a blog called "in a perfect world..." Which still is like my favorite blog, but with that blog in mind there is a level of disappointment that follows. I can truly say that she is just a disappointment. Either way you look at it, it's disappointing. I hate investing my time only for it go in vain and wasted. I wish you can insure time. This lingering sullen feeling just leaves such a mark. More than any blade could leave. Yet I know that this feeing only occurs because of me.  No one is doing any of this but me. I can't control things happening to me. And they will happen. But I can have an active hand in how long I choose to let things affect me or how I can channel this whole thing. And then songs like wrecking ball and clarity play and I have pure legit moments with strangers that just give me so much life but speake sooo much truth. And there I am feeling. Disappointment is the most prevelant. It's beyond words. But her fucked up head isn't your problem elyse! And you'd think you'd see that after all the love and positivity you've received since her. I know you want her on your journey and every great moment you experienced and will experience you want her present. But she doesn't want to be present. And you can't make her. In the words of Lauren Conrad "she's a sucky person!" She's madonna's song... FROZEN. She's shown her ass more times than a little bit. Let her go. She ain't shit. And shes not your problem. You're not hers, you've died a long time ago. Yes you've seen that side that not many if any have seen you were damn near conjoined at the hips, but you're not the one, you're not neo, and even if you were she'd fight that truth til her death. Why would you want to be with a person like that. One who says things like... Nope not going there. Her words are shit,  she's left negative debris in your energy. You need to clean that shit out, You're fine and you know it. Remember let go... Let God...

*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball: Miley Cyrus
Humming- Portishead
Hayling- FC kahuna

Lord, give me strength...

      And as I got off the phone, all I could think was "lord give me strength..." I don't think I need patience I was rather patient. But there I am again feeling fucked. And I really don't want him in my life. I don't want to care for him and his existence anymore. Talk about bitch don't kill my vibe... He really likes to ruin the hell out of shit. This is why I don't like to know things. Can I go back to the age where my mom did everything to keep his dirt away from me? Because now I'm at that age where  he includes us in his nonsense. I don't feel strong enough to go through this. I'm not sure if I ever will,  I sure hope I do. Like this whole time I really thought he knew better than to come to me with that nonsense. Well he tried and I tried to shut it down. I'm up here like wait time out do I need to block his number? I just might. He gets under my skin. Rather foolish of me to put so much faith in people. He's such a lost cause. I don't want him in my life. Clearly I don't know how to handle it. And I shouldn't have teach myself how to brace my feelings whenever I hear all the tom foolery.
 I love being a person who cares. I can honestly say that I care for a lot of people. And when I care for a person it's soo hard. But some people don't deserve it.
     Fuck now here's where I get confused, Because now I'm thinking. That's all people need is for somebody to truly and genuinely care about them. Everyone wants somebody to care. To know that in this world they matter to someone, so we can't turn our backs and neglect, but there are people so damn damaged that it's like a sickness to hurt the ones they love. They start to see things one dimensionally. It's about "me" and what can this world give me. And well, everyone has that air to them,it's our drive, but when you're fucked in the head it crosses that line. You don't see anybody but yourself, lies you've repeated in your head start to sound like the truth and every action is some form of manipulation... I'm a fucking sucker. I'd like to say I was done with this but I'm most likely not. :-(


*Elyse

Current song (s):

Over- Portishead
Machine Gun- Portishead
Hunter- Portishead
Magic Doors- Portishead

Carry on.

       Boston couldn't be any more beautiful than on a rainy day. Let's face it I'm such a romantic. Idk why but I feel like Boston is so romantic when it's raining. We've got Charlie Brown playing on the screen at my job. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy. And as I look over at him, Locks of golden brown, eyes so crystal. Tall and lanky yet some how sturdy. Strong features he coasts.he's absolutely perfect. Quirky, humble a thirst for life like none other. I paint him in a way only Leonardo or michelangelo would. But I know for sure I fell for the idea. And whilst his exterior is every girls' dream. His reality is not mine. For as giddy as I feel when I'm with him and as cozy as I feel whenever I put my arms around him... I walk away. It's best I don't walk that road. These blurred lines. He blurs the hell out of them... I just, ya know, I don't know. I'm gonna ... Idk whatever

*Elyse

Current song (s):
 Sail- awolnation

Wrecking ball.

       I should be sleep right now but there's just so much on my mind. And truthfully, I've been slightly confused. This too shall pass. By golly gosh George, it had better! Because at this point there's not much left to say. And well there is something to be said. Those words go in vain. And let us all be honest. They all ready did. Shiiiiiiiittttttttt. Leave it to a libra to feel every possible moment all at one time. Fcuk that, not only do we feel everything all at once but we feel everything other people feel as well. It's system over load.
     This is most likely a passing moment. So I'll be sad and confused and insist upon a message that may or may not exist. I must tell myself that there was no secret message and carry on. My gut feelings have hardly been wrong. Especially when it's something bad, and my system wont let up. It needs to. It needs to quick.  Because even if my gut is right, like I said, it's a dead end.
     And as I spoke with trendy, she let me know I was not alone. We're a strong bread of women, we're intimidating, yes, but that doesn't mean that there isn't anybody out there for us. Hamme1 said the same thing earlier today. It's just time to set our sights higher. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find. You know I'll never be famous. Why? Because I can't " come in like a wrecking ball" and then start apologizing for it. I wreck it! Consciously and subconsciously. I wreck shit. I come in and I fuck shit up! I was born to be that way. But my "insecurities" have me feeling bad for shit because others aren't comfortable. THATS NOT MY PROBLEM. You don't like my tutus? Too bad. Or my wigs? Too bad! Or the fact that I'm a gogo dancer or I dance on bars and stages when I go out? That's too damn bad! And yet I apologize for my being? I know how to be other things because honestly I am all of it. But I'm not just one thing. That's sooo boring. I'm like a one woman show.
      All these words to convince myself that I'm worthy of love. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dream. I'm not tangible to folks. I really should not be knocking it, it's what I've wanted. I mean I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to cry when I was with trendy. Yes I'm a cryer! I cry at everything. Mainly pure happiness. But there are things bursting inside. My new blonde hair I feel even more supernatural. Like you can't touch me. I feel spicey! Like I'm in your face! What now?!! Come at me bro! I'm recieving great energy. Boston is molding me. I guess in the moldingization I'm so overtaken that I'd really like to put my arms around someone, cuz I Just realized my feet were off the ground as I looked down, and in effort to not panic there you are so I hold tight and you say... Can I keep you??? And then shit gets mad real. My family really is all I have right now. Which is fine. Smoke screens gone. I am but a dream. And to her a mere ghost. It's all real. If you believe in those things. And even if you do, it's all in your mind. I need to be okay with that. I have to be okay with that. It's already transpiring. Wait I'm buggin' I need to take myself to sleep!



*Elyse

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus

Somewhere else

     (Sigh) I'm feeling the itch again. Didn't you just move to Boston?... Yes. And you want to move again? ...Yes. I think the longer I stay in one place the more suseptable I am to settling down. To settle down is to settle period. I don't want to settle. My purpose on this earth is not to be in a relationship, I just know it. I'm meant to spread beauty, show people their true inner most capabilities. Rattle peoples feathers by holding a mirror up to them. It's frightening to come face to face with your fears in a way that's beautiful, it's death defying boarder line suicide. I don't want to be saught after. Well I do and it's rather nice. But I also don't want to get caught up. And I unfortunately that started to happen. Yeaup I'm gonna cut that shit out quick. Idk why I was so put off, But I was, I completely lost my appetite. I was that "red head" I met a long time ago. The only difference is I forced myself to look at this chick and they're not together it was his ex, anyway the more I did the further my appetite was, I felt myself go on lockdown. It solidified, yet again, what I was knowing all along. She couldn't look me in the eye because she laid feelings within ex. And she couldn't acknowledge my presence because she didn't care for my presence. Real shit. And tonight, whilst I'm just a friend, I didn't care for his exes presence whether they're just hooking up for shits and giggles or not. I did feel some type of way. And that's not right. So we're gonna go ahead and not entertain that idea. You can love me all you want but I want nothing to do with feelings. And the longer I stay somewhere the weaker my stand is on being in a relationship. I need to keep going, keep moving. No new friends. Keep my eye on me and the takingoverization. I also don't really care too much for my "hype": please stop confessing your love for me. Seriously leave me alone cuz you're doing my friend and you think I don't know. I'm not laughing with you I'm laughing at you. Because now I feel like twisting the knife. So if you like me, do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut.
     Idk I'm in a solo mindset right now. Today I seriously contemplating quitting my job. Not because I don't like it but because I want to keep moving, I want to travel, I want to go to Barcelona I wanna be somewhere else. I'm young I want to live while I'm young so I know how when I'm older. I don't want to be involved in triangles and cliques. I don't want to fall for anyone. I don't want to entertain any of those thoughts, they lead me nowhere. I get distracted and it sets me back. Career comes first, not a relationship, not a family not children! Luckily my wall isn't shattered much. I rebuild and keep it moving. I'm not interested. Stay focused elle, for real.
      I guess I'm just disappointed maybe it's nieve of me to always believe in what people say to me. But I have to remember they're just words and people use them as weapons because clearly they're actions say something opposite. Maybe I'll try to look at it like "the I girl I want I can't have, so I'll settle for basic and or easy..." That's one way to look at it. Ha

I dunno whatever

*ELyse

Current song(s):

Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris feat Florence
Fly- Hilary duff
No Good Deed- Wicked soundtrack
I'm not that Girl- Wicked
Secret Door- Evanescence
Street lights- Kanye west
   

Full of shit!

     I think promises are SHIT!! People have gotten crafty and no longer use the word "promise" but a promise is formulated by "concrete" phrases like "I will", or "no matter what" etc. And then we like to reference the future or some sort of vague time frame like always or forever etc. As if we're philosophizers or some shit and it grinds my gears. We feel so strongly in the moment and start lobbying our love and content for one another that we just go saying the shit we think people want to hear. But there's more damage done that way and now you're trying to do damage control by saying I meant it then. Hmmm. Maybe promises aren't shit...maybe, people are full of shit. Things change, so I'm told. And me being queen of fickle, I should know. How you feel one moment may not be how you feel the next. Or maybe it is and people, again are so full of shit, tell you one thing and intend to do the other.  But I also don't go making promises to someone knowing how shifty I can be.  I feel very jumbled and turned about in my head right now. I hate relational promises " I love you always" " I will always love you" "I will always be there for you" "best friends forever" "...Through thick and thin" "nothing will come between us". "I'm not going anywhere, I will spend the rest of my life showing you..." Those phrases strike a nerve with me. Maybe because I hold people to their words. And then they usually negate them by saying "times changed" or again "I meant that then". But before you told me you meant that forever?!
       I don't like being left. So I won't even let you in. You'll look at me as the Girl from Ipanema. But keep it the fuck moving you can't handle this. And I think people start lying to themselves so they make promises to me trying to persuade me when they're really trying to persuade themselves. And that's why I don't like promises my two most bestest friends have never made promises to me and they never will because they know shit happens so don't go putting your foot in your mouth.
      Quick off topic yet relative to the message example: at my job we don't quote wait times. The second you quote a wait time is the second people start to hold you to it. And if a table is not ready in 15mins or a half hour they will be in your face about it because essentially you lied. And I totally get this transaction. Because now I feel stupid as Kanye would say "waiting on a dream that will never come true". And there I am a 25 year old feeling like that 8 year old on ferris ave waiting with her sisters for her father that never showed. That's that shit I don't like. Just don't say shit. Don't talk about it be about it. Forever is a mighty long time. Then I have to have these "interventions" with my friends as they try to deprogram my way of thinking. If I hear one more damn time  "things change.." " things change " " THINGS CHANGE" I'm gonna lose it!!! In these cases things don't change and neither do the people. Things don't change, they never were. And that's why people are full of shit! You make promises hoping it gains peoples trust and faith in you and then act like oh idk why you're so stuck on what I said that was then and this is now. I changed my mind. No you only say shit like that because things are great  and you're hoping you never have to experience the negative because you're word should be enough. So when it comes time to really show what matters  it's like fuck it! If they couldn't tell that I meant I was loyal and that I'm ride or die all day every day.  Then I'm not gonna try. I'm out.  And then start walking around with their chest pumped up like these bitches don't know how I am, I'm mad loyal they don't know shit.  Ummmm but what are your actions showing though! Okay. I think it's okay to say I love you or I got your back or you're like my sister. But all that extra shit like forever always til the end of time. The only one I want (especially when you have no lived long enough to know what's out there) is a show and now you're just playing house. You're playing a role of something you saw when you were younger and you think it's right.
    I don't know what it is about this day in age but there is no authenticity. (As if to assume I was alive for many generations ha so I could be completely wrong) but from stories of my grandparents era it seemed like when people wanted something they worked for it. I want your trust, your friendship or hand in marriage. It was something you had to work for. People were concerned about their family name and making sure you did not destroy all the foundation that they have built. Maybe I'm completely wrong. But words like loyalty and respect just seem to be an idea and not a reality. Or it's like I'm loyal until... Or we're friends until...  It's like we're all politicians in our own right. We all give these speeches and decrees that disclose "who we are" because it sounds good, we'd all like to believe that we are the realest of the real and it is our responsibility to expose all that is unjust and fake. We are the "divinity". But we wont put the work and it goes out the window.  Words are easier to say. So we throw them around yet they are the hardest to swollow. I hope  guys carry  salt or hot sauce.

*Elyse

Current Song (s):