And there it is again... THE coma... The one where I've mysteriously slipped and smacked my head on stupid. Maybe there was a slight comfort in cuddling with hurt. Familial pain. The pain that rocked me back to sleep nights and nights on end. I laid open. Guard down, arms out, palms up. Staring into my memory. and letting me rock into sleep. Half pissed at myself for allowing pandora to keep her box open. And half willing to dive into the abyss.
I read a post "Soulmate Vs. Life Partner". I never believed in Soul mates. I thought it was a crock of shit. She always believed I was hers (mmm actually can't be sure, but I may have auditioned for that role and I feel like I got the part, whether I wanted it or not). And I always felt guilty because I didn't believe she was mine. Such fuckary danced around in my head, it drove me mad. "She's not your fcuking soulmate! You're perpetrating a lie!" I was always yelling at myself. Through the years I've talked about the soulmate concept and someone said to me once "Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean they're the one you end up with."... "Wait What?! That doesn't make any sense". The more they explained the more I understood and thought "hmm, they could be on to something". It's been a concept that I toyed with... Put it down walk away from and I guess I'm back to it, especially after reading that post. It described a soulmate and Life Partner. It described us soooo well, It solidified everything, it made all my hauntings okay. Fcuk, she was my soulmate, no way around it. And she haunts me and I beat myself up over it. It's really not my fault, cause it's not everyday. It's literally when there is something going on in my life that I need to pay attention to or address. AND there's another element that may have not been properly scoped before with my latest ex, Something that I over looked and now it's vital that I learn and understand because I need to know what my next move will be. I am caught between wanting the elements of a Soulmate but wanting the Life Partner.
The soulmate is exciting, intense. It's the thriller movie that has you from start to finish. It's not stable, it's emotional. It feels like life or death. It's dramatic. It exposes. It can keep you on your toes. You will definitely learn something. There is a mess that will be made and it will need you to clean up but very carefully. It kind of reminds me of "Clarity" by Zedd. There's a connection and a fire even when you don't want it to be. Then there's Life Partner. It is more stable. It's exciting but stable. More Ideal. Less life or death, less dramatic if you will. Stable. It's not so catastrophic. There will be problems, it can be exciting but it's probably not life altering. There's a fine line. This article really helps to break it down further. But I often wonder, will I get that feeling back? Do I want that feeling back? I don't want to settle because I'm scared to feel those things again. and I don't want to look for that feeling if that's not really the feeling I need. And with every transition that's happening right now, I feel like I'm losing ground sometimes. It feels like I'm back at square one. I feel crazy.
I've been very fortunate to have such a strong minded family and support system that walk me through these freak outs. They help me put so many things into perspective. Mainly because they know I'll get there eventually. I'm not a dumb girl, although sometimes I do wish I were. I know what really needs to be done and I'm starting to understand why I catapult so hard into the "labyrinth" every time she haunts me. I Just wish could turn the other cheek and just be oblivious as fuck, I'm not. I just want to learn what it is that I need to learn, quickly. It makes me nauseous to think, sometimes. Makes me angry to devote head space to such a ghost. But I guess I'm not too upset about it either. The way I operate, I always need an answer, So I couldn't go through life not being able to understand my emotions and what sets me off. I don't like repeating the same mistakes and at the end of the day your true feelings always manage to manifest themselves. May as well address it. and well, I'm a little exhausted.
I feel myself getting angry, I feel tears of regret. Feeling like I really wasn't ready for a relationship like that and wishing it never happened. A soulmate is something I never strived for I never wanted that shit! I never wanted someone to come through my house, tear everything out of my closets, fcuk shit up and then "mic drop", leaving me to clean all this shit up myself. Like who do you think you are?! fcuking Hurricane Sandy and shit. It's like you sitting minding your business, eating a bag of chips or some shit and someone comes by and smacks that shit out of your hands and walks away, like fuck, really?! now you sitting there thinking like "well if I just held the bag tighter it wouldn't have fell!" or "What if I was paying attention and seen it coming?!" or like "If I just ate them really quickly, I coulda been like AAAAAhhhh jokes on your cuz the bag is empty fucker!!". But it happened and all you can do is say well, it happened. I mean really ... and yet somehow I just love to compare shit to her, like for what? Why you sabotaging for? Just to get a really good struggles snuggles with hurt... It's comforting because hurt will always come back. I guess you can look at it from another lens and say Happiness will always come back. We all out here hurt and trying to prevent it by hurting the other first. We've all been there. so like "Boohoo Bitch!" and Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel (you've seen my post, a stay crying about something) like how I wish I was a strong as my middle sister. She's my hero. Never thought I'd say that! HA!!! Nah, This situation has me forever conflicted between wanting to be like "okay but did you see how amazing I'm right now? Bye Bridget!" and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and have a temper tantrum because of all the things that were "done to me"...
But I think I'm done with this pity party. The waves will come as they come and, for now, I'll just ride them. Maybe get dragged under a few times. But if my crying over all the things she took from me, or everything wrong that happened is the worst thing that I have to complain about right now, then I'm being a selfish brat because all the things I've gained in return. Like "pat yourself on the back kid you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. And that will be your biggest downfall before whatever that 'hiccup' was." Learn and grow. and prepare to learn some more. It never ends, be thankful for that, not scared.
Ugh I'm going through it, I need jesus to take the wheel! hahaha I can't
That article:
http://www.foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners
Elysium
Reconsider (Jamie xx)- The Xx
Zombie- The Cranberries
Hunter- Portishead
Born to Die- Lana Del Raye
Unusual you- Britney Spears
