Time to be smart.

              Well the thing is, right now, I'm just super proud of how much I've ground. I'm really proud of the strength I could show, the patience I had/well have. I could still go for more but I have to be honest. I can't give him anything more until he starts giving to himself. He has to want to fix his own issues. If he can't do that, I can't be around. The way he thinks he's fixing them is by ignoring them. I know he needs time to himself he's just worried that if I go I will be gone! and if I stay, it's gonna end badly as well, he don't wanna waste my time. I'm a little more shocked if nothing else. My disappointment comes more from internal shit. And that's all stuff I can get over because I'm used to being villain. I used to people forming conclusions that are usually wrong. There's no use in arguing and sending that energy that can be sent somewhere else. It's disappointing but TODAY I'm okay with it because it's my journey and it's what I chose for myself. He's an amazing person with a lot of searching to do. I wouldn't mind helping him search but I need to see that he's already started. I think the space he needs to go into his straight selfish mode. He needs to man up face the facts regardless of what people think because people are always going to think something so be honest. Just be honest, and start with yourself.
                    This is going to be tough.. it doesn't help that the holidays are here but I need to be smart about this. If he doesn't fix his issues and doesn't want to confront them and tucks them aside like nothing is happening then what he becomes when he's drunk will be worse. I got a taste of it and I don't want to be on the other end of his aggression wondering whats gonna happen next and if he'll remember it the next day. He won't take the time to rest and give back to himself. I will make him by taking myself out of the equation. I don't want to be a punching bag, I want to help but not in that way. That's the road he's headed because he won't acknowledge that he's stressed out, that his family stresses him out. That he feels like he's in over his head, that he is his father, that he is his mother. He's working harder and harder, more and more to compensate for something. He needs to recognize. Until he fully comes face to face and wants to confront it, I won't be useful. Making him laugh, talking politics, suggesting vacations or fun dates does won't do shit. He was there for me through my tough times and all I want to do is give that back. I shouldn't make excuses for his behavior the other. What happens when he actually hits me. Cuz he was coming close to it. I love that man something fierce and all I wanted to do was be happily ever after and work hard for my shit. It could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't. But it's time to be smart about this.

{[Finding]} Elysium

It's been a while

Yo it's been awhile! Still, though, I feel like I find myself upset about the same shit and stressing about the same shit. Though, those shits are different from each other; it's your typical Elle. Although I could throw in a plot twist! Here we go... I have a boyfriend. We've been on for a year and some change. It wasn't exactly the smoothest transition from the one right before him. I don't know if I've mentioned her on this thing or if... well uh... I just took a break to read what I wrote over a year ago aaaannd it turns out, I did mention her. um well, no she didn't stay. I don't know if I pushed her out because I couldn't be sure at the time she even wanted to stay; or if I was tired of waiting to be wanted. I wanted to be wanted by someone the way I want myself (most of the time). It wasn't easy.
um... and actually writing in this and retracing my steps is making me feel off.
    I want my "friends". I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends hahaha totally okay with that. I've really just been feeling like I'd like to be all alone. and writing in this blog after some odd months makes me just hate this all over again. Well then why write? It's like half, torture and half me standing in a room reading myself to an invisible audience and having to be okay with their reactions. Partial judgement or maybe helping. Idk who this helps but I'm looking for some type of outlet. I straddle the idea of wanting to be visible as hell and hiding like a muthafcuka. I am such a prisoner to myself. Like "hey elle, you are absolutely beautiful and talented. Why not conquer your world?!" hmm such a great idea and yet somehow just not tangible. I can't make it stop. I'm trying to. Actively trying to. I have this boyfriend who's the best and I have these moments where I'm like 'ohh look at how happy you are? this is amazing, look at everything you have?! You are sooooo blessed' and then that feeling gets interrupted by 'you're a liar! this whole thing is lie! everyone know's you're lying! stop fcuking lying! you're happiness is a lie!' and then I'm stuck wondering if I'm just sitting here playing house.
    The only thing that keeps me from completely jumping now a days is that I'm seeing my trend. I just fcuking read my last two posts and I was like girl really? Same fcuking shit! Am I sabotaging? Am I projecting? or deflecting? I'm most certainly looking for something. I must be. Am I trying to scare him or myself. No more future talk, I think it scares the both of us. I still remember what he said and well I think he's right. What if he is right? I revisit his space idea and he's not about it. I still look for having an apartment that's mine, he doesn't understand why I'm doing that. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He's brought it up before and I say okay and goes back on what he says. I guess it's good but one of us has to be the strong one. I'm helping restore his apartment to the way he see fit. and I'm going to start figuring out how I can give more space. We both go through this, he has his lows and so do I and they freak me out and I want to run. I question everything and try to convince myself that I'm [not] making a mistake. I need to go back and make some lists. I miss being alone but I can't be sure that if I got that wish I'd be happy with that.
      I can't escape myself and frankly, Y E T   A G A I N, I'm exhausted! Please Jesus, take the wheel!

[[ Finding]] Elysium

Current Song (s):

Stimela- Wynter Gordon