... To Be Happy

      Allow myself to be happy? That's a hard concept for me. Mainly because when I am, some way or another the my feet get pulled from under me and I fall and chip a tooth... Chip a tooth? really? All of that? Well okay not ALL of that but yea you get the idea. Bottom line is it hurts and I'd rather not get up again. My manager to told me today you have to allow yourself to be happy. and well I can't really fight it. "What in the sam hell are you talking about?!" okay here we go...

     ... I had sporadic moment of Pleasantocity. Where all the small realizations mattered. It wasn't grand scale at all. It was, well Pleasant. and pleasant is like more than enough. It was everything I could want out of an evening, Jamming to music, laughing, youtube browsing. Just straight up relaxing without any added pressure to take it anywhere or be anything other than ourselves. Once I could get away from my awkwardness I was fine. Like, all I really ever want to do is movie night's with me and somebody and not have it be like this big to do. But apparently saying hey you wanna watch a movie with me just you and me is code for I'm hitting on you and would like to make a move. It's hard to find people that just want to bum around with you and that's it, no sex involved just good company. 

         I wish I could say that's it. I'm trying not to like this guy at all. I don't see him, I hardly even talk to him. So I can't possibly like him. I sat fighting myself all morning, yelling at myself like no you don't like this guy stop. yet somehow I got into work and without anything extra my coworkers are like you're glowing... ME??!!!??! GLOWW????!!!! no way! I have no idea what you are even talking about ppffff! I was smiling without doing it physically! I was listening to Killswitch Engage and 36 Crazyfists all day. I bought some of the songs that he played for me. Repeat all day everyday. I killed the black lipstick today, I was in a zone. and I don't wanna be because I know myself, I'm gonna ruin it, ya know. When I spoke to my manager, told her everything and she's like, first and foremost you have to allow yourself to just be happy, if you're happy be happy. see the moment for what is it and then just roll with it. She's soo totally right. It's a hard concept for me... BE HAPPY??? huh??? because when I get happy its really really OD and I don't want to show that. It can be really much. and you can bet there will be a hard crash. Maybe I can change that? Like You know she was probably telling me, don't think to hard about it. and send that positive energy. 

          Let it, well, BE! nothing catastrophic happened. and I really don't talk to him. I'm a mess. my stomach is flipping. I need to calm down. just take it for what it is... It's kinda hard to do when my coworkers and best friend are like um he's perfect! I know this!!!! But it's too early to tell. Yet somehow it seems like they know something I don't. Right now I just will except him as a really neat guy to hang with, so not contrived. 

I love the small things. cuz they're really not small they're perfect and grand to me. I can sit and gush about it but I kinda wanna just keep it too myself cuz it's really valuable to me and it's one of those things that it's like you (A) have to know me and (B) you had to be there :)

Current Songs:

The Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage

The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage

Waiting on a War- 36 Crazyfists

The Tide and It's Takers- 36 Crazyfists

Moonlight Sonata- Beethoven 

eLLe*

Untag.

          I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic these blogs are. Somehow typing has become easier than writing. I think it's because I can't spell and the computer corrects me. I used to have a notebook for everything. From time to time I find journal entries on loose leaf. The greatest reward is looking at them now, years later and just think wow... and I'll definitely do this with these blogs.

           Um I'm feeling extra crazy right now. It feels like the words that people say to me are tagged. and when triggered it instantly brings me to a "link" or memory of a time when I hurt. Certain words or phrases I cringe to say, I cringe to hear because in a split second I'm reliving those instances in technicolor. And when it's all over I'm just back in these four walls. Then a snowball effect occurs to which I'm remembering child hood. I come out feeling defeated. If anyone wants to my secret of how I can eat so much and stay so thin? I'm a runner. I have terrible knees but I'm alway running through moments in my head. I exhaust every memory, beat it like it stole something. I run myself ragged... I hate tagged words. Then I hear the lyric in my head "I want to stay in love with my sorrow, ooh but God I want to let it go". It's exactly how I feel but that's a tag on it's own. 

       I remember a time when listened to the whole first album of Evanescence on repeat. The only time I wouldn't listen to it was if I were at practice or a game. any chance I could I would listen to it. Because it was the only thing that could calm me down. When everyone was socializing and happy because WP won the game I'd rush back on the bus just so I could listen to it. It described everything I felt... "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" She had to be singing to me, for a while I was beginning to believe I was. and Imaginary was my theme. I lived inside myself because there I was loved, there I was myself. Nobody was ever allowed in. My secret place. I just remember being so wrapped up in the orchestra and choir and classical influences. The depth and emotion in each song. The layers! Made me wish that I 'd kept up with the violin. And happy as hell that I was in a kick ass choir. Classical music is so captivating.  Sometimes I forget to breathe. Anyway that CD meant everything to me. My aunt knew me well. she knew I'd eat that CD up. yea she never got that back hahaha. It sucks because I can't even listen to them anymore. like I said they're tagged. I can't listen to her without feeling nauseous. She loved them way more than I did. there's no way I can listen to them. I gave them up. They're tagged to a memory. I'm still deeply connected. I wish I wasn't. I haven't quite figured out how to untag memories. Facebook makes it seem so damn easy. 

          I'm in such a funk. Such a mood... blugh 

eLLe*

"It's a blind faith..."

     Good morning Friday!!! How art thou on this windy day? So I had a special conversation with a coworker yesterday. So not on purpose and not special to her but completely special to me, I I'll share it on my online public diary. I digress, I noticed she was filling out something and kind of stuck with it. It was for church, kind of like a prayer questionnaire. and at the end everyone in the congregation would hand them in and it would be prayed on. I guess she felt that she needed to have a clear cut answer and honestly answering "I don't know" was not good enough. On the other hand I did, especially if that's truly how she felt. The questions they asked I felt like were a bit of a trick because there really is no set answer to them. I think it was the way that the questions were asked that I felt like It was a bit unfair. No one should really know where they are going. Or knows the person they are becoming. Because well, like we've heard time and time again, it's about the journey. and well most of us are still on that journey. Maybe it would have been nicer if it said, who do you think you are? who would you like to become? or where do you see yourself going? Sometimes we think we're on that path and WE'RE NOT! and that's when we need the prayer! 

      I felt myself getting really philosophical when trying to help her answer these questions. Let her know it's okay to say I don't know where I'm going? unless it's like I'm going to south africa on a missionary trip. God wants to help those who are pure and honest. If you are serious and honest with yourself then an answer that is "I don't know" will do just fine. I also wanted her to know that it will work regardless you don't need a questionnaire for prayer to work... I'm just gonna stop there... I can feel myself really getting into it, yet again. Point is I lost her on that one. But I was so surprised that I felt the way I did. or feel the way I do. I'll usually stop myself all the time because my head gets in the way and the skepticism prevails and it sucks ya know... 

       It just got me to think about a lot of things one of them being a dream that I had on the first night I decided to call it quits... 

         THE DREAM: We were sleeping (up in albany, where we lived). And the door opens, and I scoot to the end of the bed to see what the alls is going on. but there was "no one" there. When all of a sudden I feel the ambush of demons in my face. I couldn't directly see them, but I felt them in my face or when they sat on me. and I'm taking them on. They flung me up against the head board and held me down. and out of no where I start to recite the prayer of ST. Michael. (I don't know that prayer, in waking day. B knows it and I've heard it. But I don't know it) The door would close and they'd flee. Every time they came back they came back stronger, the door would open and I'd be there waiting. reciting this prayer louder and louder. all the while I'd look over and she was on her phone txting, not helping me at all. not even noticing. I think once she said something in the beginning like it's nothing, or no you got this. Something with no support at all. And I couldn't believe it. I recited the prayer one more time and they left. END DREAM

        That night I remember squeezing her arm. my body felt like I had rigor mortis. I was exhausted and I couldn't move when she woke up she was very concerned and asked what was wrong. I don't remember what I said to her but she put her arms around me and I fell asleep. The next morning she said that I told her the dream must have been nothing and probably how I was feeling about the breakup. I didn't remember saying that. I don't know if that was her manipulation, now that I think about it, or if that's what I really said. non the less I think about it now and I'm like was this a foreshadowing of now? and even still that in that dream I took them on. I knew enough to ask for ST. Michael. My faith was never as strong as hers. and as I turned into a monster, as I woke up to hauntings, I always wished that I could have what she has. I had no faith. Her light shined so bright and I never thought mine could ever be as bright. So I put it out. I let things stand in my path so I have a reason to run. 

      And when I think back on that dream I think a couple things, she did not even dare to help. and when it came time, I was more ready and willing to fight than I thought, I was scared but I knew who had my back on instinct. I am a fighter. And my light is bright. I let people and myself turn me into something I knew I was better than. I focused on bullshit that didn't matter. and I'm starting to see that ya know. She wasn't mine. I wasn't hers. And I'm stronger than I thought. I believe more than I think I do. My heart knows where it wants to be. and I have to remember that. I don't follow the laws of gravity, I defy them! I don't start commotion, I am one! and even in my fantasies of suicide. my lowest low, trips on hydrolics. I'm. not. that. girl! 

eLLe*

24

   24... TWENTY FOUR... Veinticuatro. an insignificant number on a scale of 1-100. yet in my life its the magic number. 22 years of building and perfecting a wall so foolproof not even an iceberg could break it. 23 that iceberg cracks it. and 24 my foolproof wall is fucking breaking and even the slightest spec of dust can demolish it. How is it that the wall that took me forever to build can break instantly. I MEAN SHIT! am i secretly IN angry birds! because the strategies are eating at me and hell do I feel defeated. All twenty something rounds completed. I sat in a room tonight full of artists, "angry" "bitter" artists that were soo sure of themselves and knew what they wanted, and felt the way they felt with no apologies. They weren't angry aimlessly, no definitely not. Somehow it felt like their target was me. not maliciously. But there were messages tonight and I was supposed to hear it. Every one hitting harder than the one before until the feature poet got up and I couldn't hold it. Tears flew out of my eyes and I knew there was no turning back once my shoulders wound up. It really didn't matter that I was in public. Their words were all too real. The excitement mixed up in a frenzy. No one else was crying but I was the idiot crying. I surely forgot how much I missed poetry, good poetry, spoken word. It always makes me uncomfortable with myself then places me in front of a mirror, or 10, and forces me not to hide.  Ya'll, I tell you. I'm soo fucking exposed right now. I have no wall. I'm trying hard as hell, scrambling for some type of sturdy material but its just not coming together. What the fuck is happening. I'm feeling everything all at once. every joy, every insecurity, every peer pressure, every "me" pressure. I got so numb crying over disappointment as a kid, I never really cried again. I'd shed a tear. maybe pour some liquor out for my peeps, idk. But instead of tears, I replaced it with displacement and anger. Anything in my path got destroyed. I was the fucking phenix. I gotta say I don't know if what i'm saying makes any sense. But I'm overwhelmed. Everything is changing soo quickly and I'm fucking scared. I'm freaking out! I'm panicking. Because she's not there to calm me down, or hold my hand as I take such small monumental steps. I see why people turn to drugs. it's too hard to deal with alone. There's just me... Just me. friends can only carry you home. but they can't like... idk, i don't know. I'm doing all of this alone. Nobody can fight the demons in my head. when my feelings are high they're fucking high when they're low, they're the pits and when it's quiet it's uncomfortable. All I have is myself. and we're usually in a fight so really where does that leave me. Everything is ON there's no off switch. I know what I want. I don't think I know what I want... I went up to the poet after she got off stage and came apart in her arms. I'm not sure she knew exactly what the alls is goings on, but she didn't care. and she told me, with the most confidence, I'm going to breakthrough. I will have a breakthrough. She doesn't realize it but she is a big influence in my life now. 24 its like where have I been, this whole time. The fact of the matter is that I've been so sheltered. My mom did her very best to make sure I didn't grow up faster than I had to. My mom is the fucking man! But at 24 there's only so much sheltering she's gonna do, be willing to do. and only so much I can let her do. So the words I said to my first ex as we broke up, "I need to know that I can do it on my own",  didn't quite happen when we broke up but I guess I'm figuring it out now... I don't think I'm ready to lock in that answer...

Current song:
med sma Skridt(med Maya Albana)- Mike Sheridan

*eLLe

untitled.(can't think of anything clever)

            I'm gonna go right ahead and say that after years and years of disappointment, of my dad and ex "best friends", You wont be another one. I am really fed up with being disappointed with humans. You've served your purpose, however short that was, but I believe that if I hang around any longer, I'm going to continue to look stupid. So let's hand in the uniform and call it quits. I wont argue for your spot in my life. you're not significant enough. I secretly wanted you to be. But you just wanted me to be a secret. and let me tell you, love... I'm NOBODY'S secret. I don't hate you, I wont curse you. And I'm definitely not going to argue. I just don't do friendship with people I slept with. My FRIENDS are not people that write on my facebook wall. My Friends are not people that I meet and then instantly we're inseparable. My Friends ARE the people I hold meaningful conversation with, hang out with them with out having it be this big to do. And most importantly my FRIENDS have seen me at my worst, soggy faced, runny make-up on the floor in shambles, at my lowest low. They have received txt messages from me because we all knew I couldn't txt my ex, but it needed to be let out of my system. So excuse me if I sound too harsh, but you're not doing anything significant in my life but causing indigestion... 

     More things have happened to me than I don't know what... the end of 2011 really took me for a ride. I've been having these "what the fuck is my life right now" moments all too often. And only recently my dreams are going back to the randomocity that are my thoughts, rather than these subliminal dreams with messages from the great beyond. it sometimes feels like I'm in a drunken stupor. Like WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! all too often I'm overwhelmed. I hold on to the moments that I can laugh so hard I cry because in those moments I, at least, can cry of happiness. Or well it can be masked by happiness but I know the truth. Tonight I tell you was one of those nights. Those baby steps that you start to take, start to add up until you stop long enough to look around you and think "damn I did all that" and all you can do is just cry. Mainly because shit is just not the same. Cuz you're angry. Cuz you're not angry. Cuz you're secretly happier and in a better spot in your life. or cuz you're not. who the fuck knows but you find yourself walking through grand central alone ,with a furry animal hat on, after being surrounded by a bunch of people that care for you, only to feel confused with all this pent up emotion which was probably everyone else's emotion that you soaked in and you don't know what to do with it, until you're left with your own. In one instance you want a special person in your life to give all your energy to, to make you feel complete. to say. I love you, schnuckums! to gaze happily into their eyes and feel so secure in their arms. and know that nothing else matters. And then snapping back to reality and understanding you just like the idea of love. and because you watch all these disney shows and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" you've somehow equated life to a sitcom. and the truth of the matter is that the only person that needs to come first is you. Six months out of a relationship is good but you have a lot to go. you're not nearly as sane as you think you are. and anyone that comes close to you past flirtation is gonna get beat over the head with a louisville slugger. preferably metal. And lets be honest, I can't even look back on everything that happened without feeling the anger and rage pulse through my veins until i get tunnel vision. I feel like the incredible hulk when I talk about this chick. I've never had such anger and hatred for a person in such a LONG time. So much so that I never ever wanna randomly bump into this person on the street. That's how I know I'm not okay. I can usually recover easily... retract. I lied I never could. I was just always distracted and convinced myself that I was good. when the truth is i never did sift through what I did wrong or right, in depth. I just don't want to do something or say something I don't mean all because I have all this pent up emotion. I'm trying to be careful but like for realz tho. Then I'm always reminded that, that wasn't a good idea after when I feel all gross and despicable. I guess I wont truly be happy until I find myself on stage impacting the world. But in this industry the progress is so small you can hardly tell if you're actually moving, and I'll be damned if i find out that i'm moving but a little backwards. I've got a mind that races a mile a minute. I want to be everything, do everything please everyone. Mean something to everyone that I came in contact with... The sad part is, that even if I did I would never believe you.

Current Song(s)

Portishead Albums

eLLe*