Today I woke up. I've been attempting to wake up for days now, even weeks. It was looking real grim for a while. and I can't be sure that sleep will stop doing it's best to come for me but today, I woke up.
I dissect myself so much. I need answers, I need to know myself in and out. The problem is I know myself in and out and the things I can't change and can't accept, I won't love. I'll shut down and let that take over all the things that are winning about me. I told an interest of mine, that I like myself better when I'm not in a relationship, After I said I hate myself in relationships (Cue smack in the face, now!). Really, nice elle. and how the hell do you expect her to feel about that. Well in my dissecting, it's true. But I realized where it came from. Aside from feeling crazy and comparing myself to others. The root went deeper than that. I could blame it on 'the one who shall not be named', or on my father for leaving or even my mother for being a stone cold bitch sometimes. These things are all factors but to place the blame on somebody else, isn't the answer either.
STORY TIME!!! There was a point in my life where I was so broken. I decided to make a list! and on this list I pushed myself to do things that took me out of my comfort zone. I was so dependent on a person that, the thought of anything else made me sick. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I knew my time was up but breaking routine scared me. I don't like change. So I stayed. Until my scream was no longer heard only in my head. So I made a list. Tried foods that I've always hated, guess what?! I love them now. Took myself out on dates, got all gussied up. I got on a plane, I don't like planes. I did that shit by myself for 10-12 hours. I stayed in a foreign country without my family and friends for a month. Confronted my fear of statues. They don't paralyze me nearly as much as before. Got over my fear of nyc and Brooklyn. I placed myself visible in the Lesbian night life scene. I even took a job in the city. I placed myself in situations to make me uncomfortable but to conquer my fears and I was so empowered. That was my mission for that time. To rely on myself. Feel uncomfortable in my thoughts and work through them. It was my way. I loved people asking me why I'm single and feeling like yo I don't need that shit and sometimes I'd want to see how long I could keep it up. Every now and again, though, you meet that one person that makes you second guess that, change your mind a little. and that's where I got derailed.
I when I fall for people it's scary because now it's not a matter of dealing with me, it's now dealing with me in juxtaposition to someone else. I would go from being so empowered to apologizing for everything I felt. Sorry for being so quickly triggered by events. and even sorrier for not being able to control it, letting my angst run rampant. That works when you're by yourself, not in a relationship. There are so many things to consider and the final word is, "you're too difficult just leave. They don't like you. They want to be with someone easier because you're a clusterfcuk of angst." So I leave, or make it so difficult that they will leave. Taking it back now to that lovely statement I made to her, the one that floated in our space whenever I had a mood swing, it's how I feel. But more so because I've been single for so long it's the only thing I know. Relationships are hard work. I don't know that work. I don't have examples of a properly functioning relationship. I shut down. I never look at it like "great person as a friend, not a lover. There's somebody out there for you." I look at it like "you're not fit for a relationship, it's all your fault. You spazz way too much." And I take comfort in the past and my screw ups and my private world of make believe.
But I woke up today. This past week has been so hard on me. It's been the hardest one in years. I can't be sure I'm still not feeling it. I've often told myself that villains don't get a happy ending. and I started to believe that. I'm so harsh on myself. I leave no room for error or forgiveness. I'm that way with myself and others and that's the reason why I'm quick to let people go. Because I assume they take the same stance as I do. That's not always the case. But anyway, I hold myself to such standards and anytime I fall short, I can't dust myself off and calmly talk to myself. I humiliate myself. I scold and beat myself up. (But I love myself right? So you say). I see myself as a monster and a failure. I'm that dad that screams at his son, for being weak and not like him. I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. I see things a certain way and I beat up on myself if I can't go about it the way I imagined. I tell myself that I don't need or want certain things because it's far fetched and wanting certain things will make me weak or I'll get hopes up and call myself a failure if it doesn't come to pass. Putting weight on humans scares me. and I won't take that chance. So I've programmed myself to not want and long for somebody, they will let you down and that's because you let them down by being yourself. That's fcuked right!? Yet every now and then I catch my heart wondering and it goes back to the same place. When I catch it I scold it and lock it up. Foolish of me to have emotion. And I can't be sure that these thoughts are my own or ones that society places on females. Now I'm fighting with myself because I can't keep my heart under lock and key. I can't deny what my feelings are telling me. Yet, like every other damaged person, afraid take the steps to letting yet another person in and run the risk of them walking out. I've never given anyone my all. I tire quickly. Struggling doesn't feel ideal. Relationships are hard work.
When I woke up today, I rolled over and saw myself laying with a baby and happy. It was a split second but I enjoyed it. I welcomed it, I couldn't run from it. And then I woke up. I won't be any less of a woman if I never get married and have children. But I will not deny myself the option. I will be more mad at myself down the line, for never even giving myself a chance. I deserve a chance. Which ever way my life goes I deserve a happy ending. The reason I don't get it, is because I stand in my own way.
STORY TIME!!!! SO I LOVE Once Upon a Time! It is my favorite show! and in the beginning of the show, I believe Prince Charming and Snow white were talking about there current situation. I believe it was them, everyone's always talking about their happy endings and such. But Charming says something like " look no matter how many times we try to be, something keeps getting in our way. maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be doing this." and Snow was like "yea, or it could be that no matter what tries tear us apart we always find a way to be together." It's that "is the glass half empty or half full" question. It's the lens for which we try to see things out of that should change. Not trying to control who comes in to your life and how, what and why. I'm doing too much.
All I know is that this weekend I really stepped up to the plate. I performed in a show that probably could have been organized better. But I just took initiative and took the wheel. I wound up hosting and performing and directing almost. and in that moment of chaos in my head I thought, I love this moment and I wish I had someone to share it with. Someone that says babe I'm so proud of you! Or that says nothing at all but is standing there for me. It was then that I realized that of course I can do it on my own, duh. But I don't want to. And I'm never gonna get closer to my happy ending by pulling the rug from under my own feet. I know I can do bad all by myself. I don't need to prove that anymore. Nobody's challenging me on that either. But I'm not fronting on myself anymore. I'm so sorry that, that interest had to be let go. I find some really really terrific girls and I just run them ragged. I don't see past my own hurt. I don't look at it from there POV.
My mission now, continue to take myself on dates and doing things that empower me. But remember not to front. Don't take moments away from myself. Or afraid to be in a moment because I don't want to get played. I'm gonna start by taking life minute by minute. Saying thanks for 5 things and asking help. Not feeding into that voice. Instead of creating problems, create art work. Create opportunities for stability, in whatever form you need it most. Slowly taking down that wall of pride. Do things for me and career building not for popularity. I'm sorry that it's not with her, and yet again I will have deal with the fact that she is the one that got away, I understand. I just miss her so much. When I saw her last night, it was bitter sweet. As painful as it is accept that I fcuked shit up. I will learn from this. It will not be easy. But I will be happy.
Elysium
Current Song(s):
Reconsider- The Xx (Jamie XX remix)
River- Ibeyi
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
