I just need to know

     I feel like I'm crazy when I talk to people about this. They find a way to tell me I'm wrong but it nags me. Am I though, am I? I'm trying to pay close attention to what they're telling me or showing me but there was so much. It's like in school when you're doing word problems and the teachers are all "here is this long paragraph of info, now pick out the important stuff..." Bitch I was NEVER good at it! And now I'm being tested and I'm confused. Maybe these dreams are nothing and I just have an active imagination, that's probably it. I don't want that to be it though! Because its all too real. Maybe I solved that puzzle when I called LuceC and I was meant to talk to her. I called Ly to check up on her and she's fine. I couldn't bring myself to tell her when she asked. I just can't. Anyway it crosses my mind to go to a psychic but I don't trust it anymore. I feel like they're con artist. Not all of my dreams are loaded, in fact, I've gotten so much better at being able to tell when I'm just being dramatic and when it's really something. I just really need to know! I went to a tarot card reading before and they lady told me that the spirits don't give you more than you can handle. So you know what maybe I really can't handle it. Shits not always good. And am I really strong enough to handle that. Sometimes I do feel that way. But if shit got real I would really like to know that I can trust someone with what I'm telling them. Sure I have peach and she listens but she doesn't know what the solution is. Bell was the only person that didn't freak out. Because she goes through it. And in knowing that she does it helps me. Because she doesn't think I'm crazy or being dramatic. I've been discovering my physical stregnth lately and feeling mighty powerful, feeling like I'm here for a greater purpose. So when dreams like these come along I always want to pay attention, God's trying to tell me something I really don't want to miss it. I can be so oblivious to shit, or even worse scared of it. It's like I'm scared of my potential because I do second guess my abilities. I feel like I'm doing these trust activities in highschool. Except now no one is here, I have to rely on myself to carry me. Trust my instincts and trust myself to catch me. Stop running my mouth and listen to what I'm saying.  I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and I'm stronger than I think. God built me in a way that even if I appear broken I'm not. Whether I like it or not, he built me to fight, and I push that thought away most times because it feels like most times I'm fighting with the wrong person or thing. But I am a fighter and I can't be crazy on this one. I really really can't be. But what I can be is patient. It sure would be nice to find comfort in all of this.
My active imagination leads me nowhere. I need a hug.

*ELyse

Keep going

    Am I glad it's over? You betcha! But in the long run its not over, it's never over. I gotta keep going! When I broke up with Bell, my sister and I had a long convo. It was more like a session of me bitching and complaining of irrelevance. Stupid shit and people I could not change and after I stopped whining long enough to hear her. She goes "you take yourself way too seriously" and in quick defense mode I shoot back with a "no I don't! You don't understand..." But I heard her and I stopped arguing with her. She was right. Then I thought about how I worked with children in albany and bell told me that kids acting up is nothing personal to me, take myself out of the situation and you'll be able to control the situation but so long as I take it as a personal attack, they win. And sure enough I did that and she was right.
      I bring that up because that's exactly what I had to tell myself and remind myself these last two days. Somewhere along the road I have learned that I was not ever good enough. If people can't see that you're amazing then you're nothing, forgotten, elyse who? But instead of trying harder I give up I say fuck it and throw in the towel. Some how felt like the wizard of oz, I'm not really all that powerful I'm just a phony hiding behind the smoke screen. As my mind goes a mile a minute, Ly slows me down. And I can still hear her voice like a babbling brook. She's so easy to listen to. She has great tonality. It's like a silk ribbon blowing, I can listen forever. Okay I'm getting away from the point, she has that effect on me... *snap back to it elyse! Right* she probably told me what everyone else has been telling me. But it reached me when she said it. She asks questions and I start spilling my guts. It's like word vomit. And I just want to tell her everything. I want her to know everything. Okay back to it... So basically she tells me, you can do all it is that you want but you should be doing it for you and not for anyone else. Because you're gonna exhaust yourself and you'll never be happy. Then you'll start to hold resentment for everything. And I'm paraphrasing. But that's what I took from it. I called her being all upset about losing my grandmothers house and it turned into that. And she was completely right. So I started to back track and sift through what's been on my plate. And saw myself getting ready to do or  doing what I had been doing for all my life: RUN because shit got real instead of fight through it. Take everything as a learning experience instead of a personal attack... Cuz they're all out to get me! Maybe some are. But if I focus on all that matters those things we have no choice but to call people can never get me. 
      So on Wednesday my first week of performing for the audience commenced. And I recieved some solid feedback from the judges and that was that I'm holding back. I am a performer but I'm like a showgirl waiting to bust out. I have it there I need to just do it. But they liked me. And then one judge said i was a gay man trapped in a woman's body! Success. And they weren't sure if my song selection was the best one. Only because they feel like I can do more and really open up and give more. And I definitely agree. On Thursday, I had a face off competition. I didn't win and I didn't expect to win honestly. But I did realize I'm a novice!! In deed! I need to just do make up as much as I can. When it comes to my art and drawings I feel like I don't like my work being critiqued, so telling me you don't like the choices I've made... And who are you!??  But I just rolled it off and said whatever dude that's you. The best part is coming back to my job and having them be soo proud of me. And I love them for that. They're so supportive. But again I'm a novice! And what I'd want to do is beat up on myself make an excuse and quit. But not this time. Because this is only going help me narrow down what it is want to do and solidify me. 
      I just have to keep going. Learn and grow. Laugh at myself... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!!
I'm so thankful for the smart people around me. Good vibrations!

ELyse*

Current song(s):
Let's forget all the things that we say- Julia stone
Weight of the world- evanescence