Don't touch me

... and the tears streamed.
I have to get it out but with nobody to talk to. and after this, I'm sure I don't need any criticisms. I don't need feedback on my energy and what I need to do. and negativity and such which and so forth. I'm not interested in the least. any who. God help me, when a family member see's this.
    It was only the icing on the cake. The one action that solidified the fact that I'm not ready, I'm not okay.  as we started I just kept thinking like wait I really don't have an interest with you being here and the coition currently taking place. He was like talking to me and I was just like, mmm I wish you wouldn't. for lack of a better word I felt disgusted. and the more I thought about my non existing comfortability. I started to cry. I was like hmm do you think if I asked him to just stop and then get out. It would be a real egg in the face moment for him. It sucked because there was no rhythm, no syncopation. I was completely disconnected. asking me questions. I'm like really? do what you want. cuz I'm really not here. and I wish you weren't so yea. speedy in and out, can we make that happen. I'm almost positive he felt that vibe. and the tears are now streaming down my face. every time he was in a position to not see my face I'm like hysterical. Don't get me wrong it didn't feel like rape or anything. I just was more feeling like wow I can't even stroke your ego. Like I don't want to touch it, I'm not really attracted to you, I've been in a weird funk these last couple days, It's not you it's me, I mean I called him. so what did I expect. I only cried myself to sleep on the train ride home two hours before, so like yea. So now at this point I'm pulling tricks out of my vagina, so he can finish. success. and I laid there. and I'm like I hope he doesn't expect me to cuddle. we spoke a little after, but I had to remove myself from the vision and get it out. he slept a little before he left, I didn't. I trembled myself into a sleep like trance. he was fucking sprawled out and I'm thinking don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me. he put his leg up I spazzed out. I found a way to get him out but I know I wasn't much fun. and half of the crying was because I was really sorry I couldn't give a great acting performance.
       When we spoke a little after. I could hardly speak actually. like he was asking review questions and I had to curb my enthusiasm. I've been so cheeky recently just waiting to kiss people with my spade tongue. I'm thinking to myself stop, be nice. It's not his fault you're an emotional wreck. However this is solidifying that this is not what I want either. I couldn't help but think what if these were people that I liked. I would have just dug my grave built the coffin and laid in it, alive.

I'm in a state. and now off to work where I'll be read for filth about my energy.
that's another entry for another time

eLLe*

Current song(s)

A thousand years- Christina Perry
Waiting on a War- 36 Crazy fists.

Mourning air

... and all of a sudden I remember that moment. That moment I couldn't sleep. That moment that rage took over my body. tunnel vision. The rock that shattered my jaw to the ground. That moment. that still has my stomach squeezed so tight. the acid rose to my esophagus. yea, no I'm not poetic at all. I know but that's how I'm feeling. It was just hurt, after hurt, after hurt. When playing a game, works but you just feel like you wish it didn't get to that point. not only did I lose control but I lost myself.
Destruction.
I don't really think I ever had control. why do we always need to be in control. to manipulate the other person. check mate.
I'm not letting anyone in. what the fuck for. ...
so just stay away from me.
...
... The truest nightmare... was not the one where I fought all those demons. or the statues. hanging over me... or ones when my mom is dead... instead. Me standing over the wreckage, and watching them trying to pull my dead body from the car... change is a foot... thanks, because I'm so bored with life
Idk what's important to me.

...soo many thoughts in my head. wont subside... what lines didn't I read betwixt. and why is this so crippling

let's try this thing called sleep. judging from the way my body feels. I doubt it.

eLLe*

Current song(s)

Third- Portishead (album)
Portishead- Portishead (album)

Dear Ethanos

I could pour my life out to you. I love you. you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy. I'm Drunk. I'm sorry I let you down. Pivotal, that's you. In my life. well that's what you were. I argue with you because I wanted to believe in everything you said. you didn't mean. doesn't matter now.
My whole life I wanted to mean something great. In a world where you're meant to be this small. I think I lost my phone. sux. Hope i find it tonight. cat nip but nothing feels right. you deserve it. you spent crucial nights that turned into years alone. you deserve. it. a fainted memory. maybe more like a passing breeze,

you ethanos... i love you more than one could ever care about themselves... but soon I'll forget what you ever meant to me.

eLL3

current song(s):
Need you now- Lady Antebellum
I told you so- Carrie  underwood
mourning air- Portishead