THE Identity

            Every Identity is hard. I believe that. But I truly do feel that the Bi- identity is truly ONE OF the harder identities. See in my eyes, if you're on either side of the fence then that's what it is. It may have taken you a longer time to get to the public decision or it may have been a pretty painless decision for you. Either way if you're gay you say hey I'm gay thats just what it is. If you're straight you say Hey I'm straight and that's what it is. But when you're Bi, you identify with both, so what do you say??? Because you're explanation wont matter to people. If you happen to date a girl, first girl ever, The Bi identity gets lost and the question then presented to you is... When did you turn GAY????? and being that you're "HALF" gay you can't diss that side of you and say "I'M NOT GAY!!" But if you always messed with girls but always dated guys, then you're Straight. ORRR the best one!! you LOOK straight so I ASSUMED you were straight. or  you LOOK butch or feminine so you're gay! and lastly "she dates men but she totally looks like she would date women too, look how she dresses and carry's herself". we're like on that witch hunt. but being Bi still gets its nose turned up to, you have to PROVE yourself.  Being Bi isn't this free for all that the Gay and lesbians hate. (and that truly pisses me off). Shit is hard because you straddle the middle. You like boys AND you like girls. or you hate Boys AND you hate girls. so whenever and BODY is strong enough to impact you on that level it's great. Or you only like boys but you happen to fall in love with a girl. or you like girls and you happen to fall in love with a boy. There is no clear cut path for Bi's I don't think its as easy as going "I like both lets make it a party", As seen on True Life, It's attempted but not successful SORRY. It's confusing. See in my case I also like to flirt with gender restrictions. Sometimes I'm so girly and want to go along with the gender roles that are associated with your alpha FEMALE. and then sometimes I say "fuck you hetero-normativity nobody is gonna tell me what it means to be female or tell me that my demeanors are not woman like", and I go into this whole he-man hating thing. See, I see society and their "gender roles" for both sides and I either choose to ignore them, play along with them or mix and match them.  On top of that I'm Bi sector "It's all about the person, so whoever I date next is up in the air". 

           So with that in mind I'm gonna change paths a bit and not to look so grand scale and more personal, Dating is another issue, it can seem so miniscule but it actually takes its toll.  If you're straight your partner need only to worry about the the opposite sex. When you're gay, your partner need only to worry about the same sex. and when you're Bi, you just can't win. I can't be close to a straight guy according to my girl it's not possible and due to the fact that I'm straight in her eyes thats a double nope. I can't be close to AGs (aggressive,girls)  or anything higher than that (butch, stud), because they're like guys so again NOPE. I tell you, I feel caged sometimes. I don't feel like this free spirit blowing in the wind that dances in the sun. So many constrictions and rules. So instead I simply "spit" in peoples faces to keep them away from me because I know that I'm lovable, I know I have the power to make people fall for me. vein? no just seriously speaking. Putting myself on hold I just feel like I'm losing the light that I have/had, and the sparkle that I have/had. When people saw me I was that thing. I've been referred to as an anomaly. People gravitated to me even when I didn't want them too. Now I just feel like I blend in. Or I'm that girl that's always pissed and always upset and unpleasant to be around. Mind you me being unpleasant was something I used to turn on and off because I wanted to keep certain people away. Now it just seems to stay on regardless. And it's hard. I don't like feeling like I can't have a certain type of friend, because my friends were never one type. But curse me for being able to see were discomfort would set in for her. because if it were me it would drive me nuts. I just can't handle feeling so disgusting. ( I don't really having a closing sentence to end this so deal with it)

-eLLe

Some sorta way?

I'm feeling soo bombarded with emotions. Feeling like I'm not allowed to feel curtain things. I guess I brought that on myself. I created that. So now that I feel a certain way and created this "Image" I'm not allowed. I certainly feel very "Lykke Li- Everybody But Me", spot lights and loud sounds and a very defensive hand trying to block out the lights, duck and motherfucking cover.  Defend my honor. I just don't want to hear the "I told you so's" in fact don't even think about it. Cuz YOU'RE WRONG! you don't know shit. I really am put together I don't need anyone telling me my business. I just feel what I feel. Feeling like I'm not allowed. Well you know what fuck it. I don't give a shit! I miss you. yeaup I do. I hold people very close to me, even though I push like mad to keep you away from me. Been so afraid of confronting those feelings. Solidifying those thoughts. But in talking to myself I put it out in the universe. No taking it back. I just cannot have it all mixed up. He's that forbidden fruit. It seems so alluring duh, but when you're in a relationship you don't want to confuse the two, missing somebody because you just miss them, or wanting to be back with him. It is what it is, I can't completely cut off my arm and expect to never miss it! maybe my appendix or tonsil but not an arm or even a toe. and you know what? I wouldn't want him to just dismiss me in return, it's rude. Two years and some change, first love and you didn't make an impact on them and visa versa then thats truly sad. I'm just torn. So many thought's in my head with no option to explore just left with a bunch of words and assumptions and expectations from everybody else, that, Thank you but no thanks, I don't want your commentary! The more I write, type and think about it... I like where I am, I like being with her. It doesn't make sense to some, doesn't always make sense to me, but i don't feel like trying to make sense of it. Cuz it is what it is? I woulda miss out on the people i've met. Maybe I woulda met better people. But I woulda been living and thinking inside the box. A box that I lived in for two years. Nothing wrong with it, just not a box a want to be in. I do miss you! I do think about you! I do wish you well. But I don't wish for regression and I think that's what's gonna happen if I don't take the road less traveled by.

-eLLe