F*ck if I know

I've been trying to figure out what I'm gonna write next. when I get an idea it's usually when i'm no where near a computer then by the time I get home its like "wait what??! remix!".
     I need this holiday season to pass... look at her so cozy in my bed, of all the beds she chooses mine, gosh i love this cat!... i digress... anywhoo. yea I need this holiday season to pass. I'd really like to just disappear.  Reemerge for LA or never which ever...
       I just don't understand... I don't understand anything... I don't understand anything at all... just like, like um like ya know. uh. um uh shit, i don't know, yea? like huh?
       A long night of ness.  cafuffle and shit. The closer I get to not caring. The more I can't see me being here.


mood songs:
Det er forbi- Clara Sophie
humming- Portishead
med sma skridt- Mike sheridan
No one on earth- above and beyond

eLLe*

Mysterian

Hello december... 

        hello Mysterian. I know its a popular saying but our world just keeps getting smaller. Or maybe it's always been the same and I'm just becoming a venturer. I'm gonna call him Mysterian. He shot me with those eyes, those same eyes that shot me 3-4 months ago. I didn't expect it at all... I'm still stunned. The first time I met him I had decided that this will be left at the bar. He had me lost in all types of moments, I was spinning all types of Euphoria. But lets look at the situation and lets be real. that wasn't going anywhere. A good collision is a good collision, let's go our separate ways. I was stuck for days and after I came back down I figured well that's the end of that. I've often thought about it. I was even just mentioning him not too long ago... Seeing him again and all I can think is "those eyes". Even more piercing than I remembered. and a lot more sober. I dig the sober. Is it possible to have a conversation with someone and not speak? DUH!  This shit is just relatively new to me or more noticeable. I guess we were having a small convo but he was screaming something completely different. I heard it! I wanted to be back in that spot with him. And while it wasn't physical, there was something there. Gosh those eyes I wish you could see these eyes. and they were deep brown, and a very familiar smile both eyes and lips. and laugh lines! you know I work in cosmetics and so many clients try to get rid of laugh lines, they say they hate them, and to me that makes you that much more attractive, friendly, inviting and warm. It's endearing. Mysterian. Beating myself up all night wondering why I didn't bag... It can only mean I really just didn't want to subconsciously. Or I would have. He was so much more serious, I like serious. I like confidence. Must have been why I was drawn. But I must not have been all that drawn for him to have my number... Cool ya jets elle, Yes it's getting cold out and you are getting antsy, as everyone else is too, but don't jump as yet... I'm a bit of a jumper. But I've been better about pulling myself off the ledge cuz it's just not time, not yet. It's like when all areas of your life are visible and coherent, you push to fix that one blurred spot, cuz it just has to be complete. and I remind myself to "drive slow homie, cuz you never know homie". I've been doing the relationship thing for the last 5 years ish. and I'm already at the half way mark of a year. just keep swimming??? yea. sharks die when they stop swimming... thanks randomocity. anyway I'm probably gonna be in la la land for the next day. Mysterian. Maybe even write a song about it. Hell who knows maybe I'll run into him down the road again... But right now, love lock down. Anything having to do with it is not going to exist.     

And well I found new music. a beautifully pleasant surprise! keeps me at bay for now

Current songs:
Hailin' from the Edge- Apparat
The Very Last Resort- Trentemoller
... Even Though You're with another girl- Trentemoller
Take me into Your Skin- Trentemoller
Miss you- Trentemoller
Med Sma Skridt (med Maya Albana)- Mike Sheridan
Accelerator - Chromatics

Cheers!

I'd like to make a toast... A "cheers", if you will.
Cheers to a clean bill of health. Cheers to a really good job. Cheers to the career that slowly falls into place. Cheers to a new found independence. Cheers to a new voice, a new look. Cheers to moving onward. Cheers to looking back. Cheers to beauty, to deception. Cheers to hard falls, even harder disappointment. Cheers to recollection. Cheers to hunger, to starvation. Cheers to satisfaction. Cheers to put-together-ith-ness. Cheers to surfaces. Cheers to regression. Cheers to the moon and stars and to the night sky. Cheers to the clouds that fill your eyes. Cheers to the rainbow after the storm. Cheers to the quiet before the storm. Cheers to the storm... Cheers to indian giving (what a terrible name). Cheers to that spider in the window that just can't seem to walk without falling and yet it keeps going until it reaches its destination. Cheers to reminders, jagged litter fuckers. Cheers to technology. Cheers to forgiveness. Cheers to disrespect. Cheers to distractions... You ever have that person that you would really want to be with, you think about them all the time, you wonder how they're doing, but you can't be with them cause you're too far gone to really give them all they deserve? well cheers to that. or how about that person that you drown yourself with because the truth is too hard to bear and you'd rather block then sift through the matter, well cheers to that too! Let's cheers it up to loyalty. and well lets cheers it up to disclosure, the need to always tell people the type of person we are rather than letting them find out for themselves. Lets cheers to fickle-ocity, and high divorce rates. Let's cheers to the Cosby's. Cheers to disney, they do their best. Cheers to the alpha female who is no where near to what the alpha male is. Cheers to interpersonal communications. Cheers to Evol. Cheers to stone hearts and glass tears. Cheers to those words I hate to hear let alone utter. Cheers to superficial business. Cheers to misconstrued ideas. Cheers to self righteousness. Cheers to heavy black eyeliner. Cheers to music, to art, to the art of dance and free movement. Cheers to stitched mouths and tied  hands. Cheers to nausea. Cheers to roller coasters. Cheers to manipulation. Cheers to stupidity. Cheers to abandonment, and fear of change
And to you, hydrolics, subsiding me into sedation. you'll leave me too... CHEERS!

Songs:
Humming-Portishead
Mourning Air- Portishead
Hunter- Portishead
Silence- Portishead
The Rip- Portishead
Seven Months- Portishead


*eLLe

Hibernation

          So um. where to begin? Um this one may be a long one cuz I'm hibernating for a while. I'm starting to get the questions of "what are we doing for your birthday?" and I'm not interested. September went by so fast for me and I'm so thankful for that, you don't even know! But somehow I feel like this month is going to drag on like crazy. I've been looking back at my past blogs and doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on them, eh? I've been sick to my stomach with lumps in my throat, cold sweats and junk, eh? Hydrolics put me at ease, yea. Just bought a new acoustic guitar that's so beautiful, sweet. I'll be volunteering with a children's center that my step dad put me on to, a while back, hopefully with children with disabilities, nice. Dance show this Sunday, okay. 

         I'm blocking. I want to get everything out and I just don't really have to words to say, I suppose. I've been coaching myself before bed. Telling myself to walk away. no RUN AWAY and run far. and run FAST! So the first step for me to run, is to run to the shredder. and shred every. last. letter. Then next is to take that claddagh and burry it. I was gonna toss it in a fire or through it out or some shit. But I'm gonna burry it. Haven't quite decided where but its going. Every hard copy picture I have of us shredded and every digital picture deleted. There's no going back at this point. and it's a scary thing but it's got to be done. 

        She told me goodbye. Words that she hates to say. but before that she told me that I don't understand her and I never did and no one will ever... hmp its just her against the world huh?  My last thought about that. is that if there was something I did know. Is that there was a person she always wanted to be and there is a person she has to be. they were polar opposites. I saw that person. Time and time and time again. I'm also going to say that no I'm not your mother, no I'm not your cousin, no I'm not your brother. nor am i your first or second ex,  but I am Sorry and I truly mean that. I cannot speak for them. But I am sorry for how I hurt you repeatedly. I don't know if you will ever read this but if you do. I KNOW who you wanted to be and I do understand you. That's why I wanted to fight your battles for you. and you know we have endless conversations to prove it. That's all that is going to be said about that.

      Segueing. Now is the true process of learning to forgive myself. fuck trying to get her to forgive me. I don't need it. I need to learn how to forgive myself. and like my sister told me. not take myself so seriously. Too many imperfections in this world that I just don't like. It's so hard NOT to turn to stone. I'd rather fight everyone elses battles because when it comes to me. I LOSE every time. I'm so overwhelmed. extremely overwhelmed. One of my booski's asked me what I was doing for my birthday and halloween and I was like nothing I'm disappearing and he's like "ew you sound so emo". I really did tho hahaha, no really do. ugh whatevs. I'm such a beautiful person with so much love to give. so much heart to give. so genuine. So bright. So extrodinary. So brilliant. and so lost. 

     I'm just not in a good spot in my life right now. Pissed cuz I always thought I was stronger than this. I come from a line strong women. strong independent driven women who's about their shit. and right now I can't really join in their parade. I was supposed to go out to stilettos again this sunday for another night of funness. Simone's birthday was too awesome. But right now I'm not really feeling it. I gotta be honest.

     So this guitar is pretty sweet. I need a name for it. may call it EL. it just so happens it's a EL-00 idk. I was just gonna call it bessie. That's all that comes to mind. I'll start playing it for a while and see how it treats me. I'm not only trying to figure out a name for my baby girl but I'm also figuring out what the world will know me as. I have so many nicknames. but I feel like if my fans are gonna feel connected with me then cut the gimmicks, here I am! Do I do first and last name just first name. just last name. When I come back to this blog, idk when that will be. cuz like I said I'm disappearing. you will know then. and I will be ready! just like my blog said. I'm so ready to put all of this emotion into my song. I will give my fans all of me. my concerts will be filled with all types of emotion and talent and love. Because my fans will deserve it. I wont pull a fan from the front on stage. I want to walk through yonder and pull someone out of a nook from some obscure location idk. My fans are going to mean everything to me. and thats truth.

         So Um yea I think that about sums it up right now. hibernation starts. but please feel free to ponder over my previous blogs and such which maybe subscribe. maybe spread the word idk ya know. comment. aight

songs:
skyscraper - demi lovato
how to love - demi lovato
So bring it on- Cheetah girls
Determinate- Lemonade Mouth
A Happy Place- Kate Melua

eLLe*
    

I forgot

               So last thursday I went out with my home girl/ coworker... when I stumbled across this beautiful Argentinean soccer player. ugh to die for! I guess its safe to say that we were liking each others company that night. we danced all night to like everything, salsa, meringue etc. and he totally commanded my moves. He told me where and how to move with his body and I did just that. As much as I could, was kinda hard keeping up. But for as "aggressive" as he was he really wasn't like "aggressive". So at one point I'm sitting behind him and he's standing in front of me with his back faced me. and he takes my hands and wraps them around his waist. and held them there. I would not have expected that at all seeing how he wasn't forcing himself on me. and ya know what? I truly forgot how much I love to hold people. It's like holding that teddy bear when you are a child cuz you knew that teddy bear loved you like no one else. didn't matter that he/she wasn't real. it was to you!
        So I mean if you see my arms, they're not anything short of scrawny. But I gotta say I love to wrap my arms around people and hold them. It almost makes me feel like I'm shielding you? I don't know. It's just, it makes me feel like I'm strong. It probably links into a whole trust thing with me. I love to give good hugs or put my arms around someone because it's a deeper meaning than words. It's like my way of saying you can trust me. I will hold you when you feel weak. I'm always here for you, kinda thing. I love when people can feel like they can trust me and drop their guard with me. Because I'm such a loyal person and sincere, I don't want to disrespect you in anyway and I don't want to deal with disrespect. So if a person can feel that through the warmth of my scrawny arms, well then my arms don't seem so scrawny then. It's been such a long time since I've held someone in my arms and really held them close to me. I forgot what it felt like. and being there with him really reminded me. I'll do it to my coworker once in a very blue moon but I never really go all out cuz like I don't wanna be that creeper! and for as hard as I am, I love to be wrapped up in a moment. I've had a few of those moments in my life and I can tell you that I remember them, most of them. It's just like an awesome feeling. and a feeling you don't just share with anyone. only loved ones ya know.
       I get so distracted in life with dumb small shit that I forget that a hug matters. and not just that ass out hug but the ones where they just scream "I'm here with you, in this moment, here I am" and it feels awesome. I don't get those moments anymore. But I'm more than willing to share one. It seems so desperate of a statement. But those moments rock. and I love to have someone feel safe around me. It's just soothing! alright alright, whatevs!
I'm done now!

Breathe me- Sia
More than a Band- Lemonade Mouth

eLLe*

Deuces

Oh lord you should have seen me last night.

ahahah looking all types of foolish! The high school elyse would have smacked me silly! If you told me I could ever get like this, I would have never believed you! I begged and I pleaded for her not to leave me! talk about desperate! I totally humiliated myself. I cried for her like the way I've cried for my dad when I was a kid. It's soo funny I never thought I could reach point. I thought it was beneath me. But its scarier to even think that I could go further. Lord have mercy! I just can't. She doesn't want to work it out. she said it from the beginning. Well wipe the egg off my face, ha! where's my gay bestfriend who's supposed to call me "dumb bitch" and then snap me out of this lol. My sisters have been so damn supportive. Coaching me through. They're soo funny and so right. and more so, soo annoyed! They totally do not want me wasting my time. It's just easier said than done. And my mom was getting ready to bust somebody's ass! I shutter to think what would happen if I unleashed any of my family on her. But I'm happy to know that they would. Didn't really think they cared so much. That' so nice of them. I guess they aren't always the devil, and they aren't ALWAYS out to get me! I started making a blanket that I didn't finish. well I'll continue making it and make it for MY niece! I will be an aunt after all! :). 

      I just kept having these dreams that I worked myself into hysterics trying to get her to hear me. and she looked at me like "and?" and then I had that dream again! and at the end I finally just stopped I looked at her and ran as far as I could. They shouldn't call this shit a break up they need to call it "the severed ligament" hahahaha man. I'm soo choosing to laugh! anything to keep from crying! I started it this time I absolutely did. Maybe I should look at the facts in real time and matter of fact. and just be real and honest with myself. All the flailing and whaling couldn't bring her back. I wanted to push her and I did. I guess I'll be my own gay best friend and say to myself "you zdumb Biatch! you need to stop with all them dramatics! you silly hoe!" 

I've done more harm to her than good. she deserves to walk away from me. like dane cook "she did her best!"

songs:
Determinate- Lemonade Mouth
Breakthrough- Lemonade Mouth

eLLe*

It's okay, I Die?

I've spoken about this before. But it's resurfaced. 

Idk how or where to start. I can't bring it up to her but I feel betrayed. The Bi identity is not an easy one to live with. If i even fit that. I thought her love for me meant that she accepted me. But even still she doesn't and she never did. I always felt like I wasn't going to be good enough for her. That she would be happier with someone who was completely gay. She insisted that she couldn't be happier with anyone else but me. and after discussing this book... i know she doesn't get it. which means she doesn't get me. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not gay enough. I don't fit the roles. My life hasn't been rough enough. my family didn't shun me. Like I had it too easy. and this is something I'm just trying out. I've never given someone all of me and to think that it wasn't good enough.

I don't know where I fit in, and I don't know where I belong. I hate feeling like I have to fucking prove myself to everyone. I'm not a heathen for seeing beauty in all sexes. I'm not greedy, i'm not glutenous! I'm  just me. I thought she knew me. I thought she knew my heart! 

She tells me "fuk em" until i call her out on it and tell her she was one of them and she said she still kind of is lol... there's nothing funny about it. There's nothing funny about any of it. What were we doing for two and a half years??? huh? I have best friends I didn't want another one. I don't even wanna know. 

But once again I was right. and once again you've made a fool of me and not only of me but what I had to offer. I don't offer it to anyone. 

God! please save me! I have no one to turn too.

Songs:
myself- linkin Park
Loners Lullaby (Take me to sleep)- Elyse
Outside the middle- Elyse


eLLe*

Sorry. I went there

I might just have to take it there. 

I'm sitting here trying to fool myself. and now the anger just came out. Everyone is right and i'm not all too sure of how to get to that point. I mean technically I have been doing what I needed to do, but I've also been talking to her via txt. What am I really looking to gain? I mean really? And the fact that I had to ask what should I do only solidifies that I'm looking for something else. I can only imagine what she's been doing. and I can only imagine that it would only tear me up more. I know she's still friends with Elena...( I just went there). And that shit like really? who were you trying to fool you idiot? Like the disrespect and lies??? She's not you're friend! I can actually name two other people who are not your friend. Keep your eye out! You got this BRO code: Bro's over Hoes... no matter how shady they are, they still come before your girl or ex. Who gave me a glance everytime you turned your back? who was trying to be loyal to me? hmmm. But if you can stab your boss in the back then I guess real went out the window with your dignity. And we thought ritz lost her mind. look at this and see what you want. But when everything is all said and done. I was nothing but loyal to you. I had your best interests in mind. I would never sell you out. I think I hurt you enough with the love I couldn't give you I don't think twisting the knife would make anything better. If you really want to do something you will. and you did. So don't play victim to yourself. you have more control over the shit you do, than the shit that others do. And I fall for it. Because I really do what to love you. and I want to make it all go away. I been slipping back into this comma of Bella... and ya know what I need to wake up. I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. As a matter of fact... you can't save anyone! I think the second anyone tries to save someone else they instantly lose themselves. The pressure becomes too much. It's a noble thing to do but we are not knights nor noble. and that's where we slipped up. Idk why we all gotta walk around thinking we are invincible? maybe because then we can feel like we're something more than just a number in the system. 

She's not over me... but she's dating somebody!? fuckin tell your story walking. Moments of solidification happen all to often for me. There are too many things that are light bulbing over me. 

So what now? how many more times do I need to relapse before I'm done. How much more insinuation needs to occur before I'm done to nothing.

There are still things that I think of that kind of bother me. Like the fact that my friends went out to meet with her that saturday night after my cookout. I did want her to talk some sense into her. But we can't always get what we want. And it still feels like she gets to have what she wants and I'm roughing it. She gets these cheat sheets and I'm not. No that doesn't work. If you want me. if you want to tell me something ask how I am. Then come to me. But I shouldn't be your major concern, Jen should be. Or Elena. and whoever else you're talking to. 

Idk I need loyalty, you've seen me at my worstest, and you went to meet up with her. you should have told her no. and the time I said I was here for you it wasn't really for you, I just thought i sent that to her not you, but you wouldn't have the guts to say that. I'm too upset with everything right now.

Everyone lets crumble to bella's feet huh? yea lets! 

Looks like I went there

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Canvas- Imogen Heap
unbroken- Demi Lovato

eLLe*

What does it all mean?

              Two Blogs in one day... Well I had to blog it to keep me from contacting her. I'd been speaking to her all dayish. Finding everything I could just so we'd have an excuse to talk. So what! if I was out at a demi lovato concert. Everytime The convo ends I slip into minor aches because I have no idea when i'll speak to her next. We left it in the air. The cool thing is she txt'd me. I was so excited that I had to remember to pull it back some. How, in this world this world we go from being so honest and pure about our emotions to being so idk, opposite. 

    As I walked from the Hammerstein Ballroom I passed a particular statue that I'd been passing the whole week before. I got comfortable with it from across the street but this time around I walked the same side... Sure did look a whole lot differenter (yea I said it) the closer I was. But I stared it down. and as I did it made me feel a certain way. Like I was scared. But of what? Scared of it? The same feeling passed over me days before when I saw the female statues over the macy's entrance on 34th street. and as i looked at the cluster of statues over grand central. The feeling of maybe i'd been there before. Took everything not to call my ex (and even now, i had wanted to put my girlfriend) because I thought she might have understood... That somehow, I thought I was that statue. Seemed so crazy but i thought she might have empathized with me. Maybe I wasn't scared of statues maybe it inadvertently bought me back to somewhere I'd been before. Four statues over the Macy's entrance and one stood out to me. They all looked the same but somehow that one made me feel like I was looking at myself or family I don't know. This harol square statue made me feel some type of way. It was very alarming. I walked the whole way back to grand central cold, and talking to myself planning out this blog, if you will. Looking straight ahead walking as if i were invisible. or as if everyone else was. I felt distant from the world. Gazing at every tree wondering what it would feel like being the tree. Sad thing is I already knew. Doing so much for everybody and yet taken for-granted. Provide shade, helping the environment, keep this planet livable (cant think of that word) and yet we cut them down. build a meaningless building. They feel so forgotten and yet they are so beatuiful. Most don't give a rats ass about no damn tree. heathens. 

   I came across an intersection staring straight ahead not noticing directly at anything or anyone just doing the motion. Cars flew by, cuz everyone in the city has some place to be right, and for a moment I thought what would happen if I took a step off the sidewalk. My eyes clouded up... One could only be so brave. I was hungry but I didn't feel the desire to open my mouth I was way too busy thinking about shit. I felt so closed off. I wanted to call her but in my head I hear, take it easy slick. If you tell her everything now what are you gonna tell her then. Relapsing! when am I going to talk to her again? Do I even want to talk to her again? well this time its gonna be up to you to contact her cuz she txtd you today. txt her now! no wait don't cuz if she doesnt answer it will send you in a  downward spiral. keep telling yourself she's talking to someone else. keep it moving! rebuilding from a relapse fall back into it everytime she reaches out. I want to reach out to her too. perhaps maybe to hold her. perhaps maybe I don't.  My friends said I was this like mysterious psychic last night. Kinda laughed it off, nah i'm just a really good guesser. But boy was I on a roll last night. whatever it was luck or powers, it sure came off that I had powers. Made me think of all the times I thought so much about a person and they called me. moments later. Me wanting something and shortly after I'd get it. or me "sending" myself to her when she had an overnight shift and she could feel me with her. Maybe I did or do have powers. Maybe statues have a lot more to offer me than i know. 

    I came up on grand central staring at the cluster of statues. and here it came again. Was I that statue looking down with a look on her face. Did I know what they were all talking about and what joyous occasion the sculptor was depicting. I felt like I should have been there. I kinda felt left out. WTF is that feeling? why do I feel like there is something I should know? Still trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out why did I end up at that lovato concert that I thought I wouldn't go to. It worked out so in my mind I was thinking somethings gonna happen and I will meet more career changing ppl. well that sure as hell didn't happen. I left feeling foolish for ever thinking that would happen, I mean a concert? really elyse?! c'mon now! everything has felt like i've been making career moves. They always turn out to be that way. and THIS time it wasn't! could it have been for.... ???? noooo??? no way??? well it certainly wasn't for me. my nose was soo buried in that book I missed the whole waiting time. before I knew it they were letting people inside. What did this happen for??? maybe it was for... ???

I need answers.

Songs:
Do you need someone- Beth Ditto
Canvas- Imogen Heap
Lothlorien- Enya

Eh?

 I woke up just now body feeling like Mush! bones jammed into a sack of skin! I'm soo tired! A new month and now its just feelings of entrapment. I remember I used to ask why most rock singers are usually submersed in water in their videos, I never understood it. Starting to feel like I know why now. I always thought it was so cliche. But now i find myself wanted to hold myself under as I find my will to live... or to cleanse my soul, self "baptism. Life is all to real right now and from all the excitement and hullaballoo. But yet I'm that girl in the corner of the club by herself... AWKWARD! Rather read a book and shut the world out! I definitely did that last night... WOW. Displacement. Can somebody please tell me when my stop is? the city is full of wonderment and look closer more filled with lost souls I was one of them. I've been getting crazy deju vu recently, it reassures me. But when I turn over all I see are pillows, strategically placed to hold me, every "curve". I need a hug. I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm that fucking outsider. coaching myself outside of club to get it together, change your aura you're scaring all the girls away, soften up! have a drink or 5. Do something! you're ruining my life, woman... and the reply is "I don't want to. Eyor, sucks to meet you."... Replies get shorter and colder. and now you're not even worth my eye contact.... Move away from me civilians. Saved by the best friend, I can now act like no one else matters. well they didn't. Pull out the book. I'm in my own world. Wake up and i'm in my bed. too faded to answer my mom when she speaks. I'm spent. onward into the city I'll go. to be alone. hoping demi will find me with her words and save me with her Scrapskyer. and I'll probably be a mess leaking all types of body fluids out my face. and I'll snap back to reality and remember nobody will be there to share a moment like this. "coraline, theme music will play, alone" to be exact... ugh...
  
       I slip in and out of anger when I think about her. or when i think about how I reached out to her. I'm such an idiot. I'm pursuing her why? I'm YET AGAIN putting myself out there WHY? I'm thinking about how she's feeling more than I care about myself... WHY? you zdumb Biatch! I can be so fuuuckin stupid! no its okay go keep setting yourself up for failure, no its cool, i'll wait. when I go back to dealing with this beautiful head case I call... "Myself". You're the biggest idiot. yea I know kinda can't really help it. This is soo dumb.
       "I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this, I hope it brings you bliss, I really hope you get it, and you don't live to regret it! I hope you're happy in the end! I hope you're happy... my. "freind" "-wicked

Songs:
Everybody But me- Lykke Li
Alone- Coraline Soundtrack
Myself- Linkin Park
Krwlng-Linkin Park
Back to Black- Amy Winehouse
Defying Gravity- Wicked Soundtrack


eLLe*

What else

I'm tired of crashing like this... If I really wanted this I would be on drugs. Idk what else to give her. I gave her everything I was capable of giving her. It wasn't pretty but it was me. Now it just feels like she kicks me while i'm down. You win. I'm not fighting, I don't want to fight with you. You put me through such disrespect. I'm drained you win. But you need to release me! if you tell me we're never gonna be together anymore. why did you send me my package labeled "pooh" why did you text my mother again. why did you change your profile to one of my pictures of you. Was it to show that you took all the pictures down. sure you're looking at this like um really whats the big deal. I'm really not gonna explain there are things I know and i'm killing myself trying to make it make sense yet again. I'm scared to go to sleep and I hate being awake. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and I hate that this means nothing to her. I had to delete her on facebook. she moved on! she told me that! so why are you retaliating... I can't do this anymore... Yet another night of crying myself to sleep... I can't do this I can't do this ... , please :'''(

No ordinary love- Sade
Every word you said- Sade

eLLe*

Half Past Dead

been a while.
i can't help but to be feeling like the rebound right now. all the signs are there. and all the actions repeat. I really really thought I meant more to her. but if you could pick up so easily and start dating again like shits all good then i guess it was nothing. I mean lets be real you did the same thing to me. With such powerful convincing words you had me on a silver platter. and when I first told you that you had my heart beating in your hand, you have total power, you lied. and you threw me under. when i asked you not too. i guess karma is a bitch. trying to look at it like something i deserved so endure it. I'm exposed in all aspects.... and I'm confused. forced to deal with skeletons in my closet and the demons i lay down with. and all you do is get distracted. is she worth all of this. I can't help but feel like she is. Passed tears but the pressure builds on me like some type of,.. fuck idk but its building. I have been waking up feeling drunk for the last week. zoned out I'm a drone. I'm on autopilot. and all that rings in my head is i was a fucking rebound. and so is this chick and so will be the next. I've been told not to give you all this energy but if i don't now i shutter to think that I'll be in the next relationship wondering what if.  Confused and dazed like shit. great moments followed by bullshit. and you'll turn to substance. I have to leave it all to god and try to wash my hands of this matter. but i just can't... I'm already half past dead.

song: Sky scrapper- Demi lovato
Marvin's room - Jojo
Snuff- Slipknot
It was all a lie- Evanescence

*eLLe

Busy is in the Eye of the beholder!

Hmm... a long time ago I used the "Busy" excuse hoping to get out of something, When they told me... BULLSHIT, I know you, and I know that when you really want to do something you'd do it! and I sat in silence cuz I knew I just got clocked! That convo always rings in my head when someone says they're busy. I say to them (in my head) bullshit, no one is actually that busy because when it comes down to it you're not. If someone says "Hey wanna hang out?" why cant we just say no thanks or I'm not up to it today. But then again why do we assume that hanging out is always some big To Do. maybe its simply sitting in silence watching a movie. Maybe they just want to talk to you AND THEN THAT would be the time for you to vent about your trials and tribulations and have that person actually care! If I want to simply be around you I don't want to hear I'm just sooo busy etc. Believe you me, everything you said is but a mere whisper in the wind, Cuz i didn't ask for that. Because My groove theory is you have enough time to facebook, you have enough time to keep everyone involved in your life as you twitter your every moment and thought. Has it ever occurred to anyone that simple honest answers like: no, no thank you, maybe next time would be preferred over the traditional let me talk about myself and how busy I am? Like I said before, NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO HEAR IT! I didn't call you and say hey sooo exactly HOW busy are you? Sometimes I think we use that excuse just to arrogantly brag. you know the bragging when it sounds like the person is complaining but they know they really like having a lot of stuff to do and put it in others faces to make them feel like maybe they should be doing more. I understand having prior engagements but to be so braggadocios when a simple no would suffice is annoying. I think we need to cut down on that arrogant word, cuz you aint doing shit but sitting on your couch watching your shows. and should you wanna be alone just say no thanks i'd rather be to myself, and leave it at that. 

Like they told me... if you REALLY wanted to do something YOU WOULD! so no smoke screen, be honest YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO. 

*eLLe

Ready

       I wanna say I'm soo ready. But I've always been. Ready to be that person that touches lives by the thousands. I mean I guess I could settle for the hundreds... naaaahhh... thousands seems doable :) but I would be honored to even have that one person that came to me and said your music saved my life or maybe even saved my best friend's life. Let's see I've already had someone tell me my away message on AIM really helped them through the tough time they were having. and an old high school friend tell me she read my blog and it helped. Idk which one it was but none the less always those things that make my heart burst with excitement. I feel like I'm soo close yet soo far away. or like I'm jennifer connelly in the labyrinth with david bowie, the beginning of the movie if she had just asked the right questions or had been out right with her pursuit she would have gotten to the center of the labyrinth quicker. Of coarse the she wouldn't have been able to find herself and her gumption but well... I guess I need to remember you can't take anything for-granted. It's those subtleties in life that make it all worth it, and meaningful. I constantly sit doubting myself because I'm so anxious in the final result but never really paying attention to what gets me to that point, if there is one, worrying how the world will perceive me, instead of just doing it, worrying about everything that doesn't need to be worried about. It feels like i lose my confidence. But in the words of  lil wayne: "confidence is a stain, it can't wipe off". and then it felt like it came back to me, because I felt like i found something that I can relate to... Anna Vissi. If you don't know her look her up. She's a greek singer, with such a deep and powerful voice that breaks my heart when I listen to her. She's like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in a long time I've found an artist that I LOVE. Music that helps me view things a little differently. Something that gives me confidence in the abilities that I have. and When I felt like maybe I was having delusions of grandeur, and that I was like everybody else who thought they were different and special but fell in the average pile. I see that it's not delusions of grandeur but my future, and the only way I could fall into that pile is if I wasn't me. I've never really been average so why start now.

I'm ready.

*eLLe

current song: Erotevmanaki- Anna Vissi

Going "Home"?

              In going home, I was looking for a "Let Down". I guess a let down is what i got but it wasn't the one I was hoping for. I was looking for an escape from my current situation and found that I was in my old one. One that lead to my current one. Remembering why I left home in the first place. I needed a chance not to think about anything work on self, When I felt the bitter cold of RAGE down my neck and creeping into my veins. I don't stop it... I welcome it. Take your course that's fine. For every cool event there was always one to counteract it lurking in the corners. Disappointment, Rage, Happiness, Depression. This used to be my playground. This used to be the place a ran to. But where exactly was that again. I think I have the wrong address.

     I know now... that I didn't run home... Never ran home. I inside myself. I ran TO myself. and now that I've opened my museasm doors. I feel like some of the exhibits were misplaced. even stolen.

Current song... Elysium- Portishead.

*eLLe

Hurt?

                   I can't even fathom my current situation right now. I'm trying to figure out why in tar-nation is it okay for my friends to tell me when I'm being irrational and making poor decisions left and right, and when I finally state my opinion I'm wrong???? PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY EXPLICAR to me please! where is that Just??? I get criticisms that I am harsh, cold, intimidating? mean etc. But I don't say shit when my friends are beating me up. NOT A DAMN WORD. SO I FINALLY SPEAK UP AND GIVE MY OPINION AND I HURT YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS REALLY!?? OH YOU'RE HURT???? F THAT!!!  i'll tell you what's hurtful! what's hurtful is watching sparkly friends of yours become ordinary because of the people they "LOVE". Or even worse that they KNOW and they choose to make excuses! so you sit there and try to ignore it, because she's "HAPPY". BULL! I'M SOOO BEYOND ANGRY! angry that you would even ask such ASININE questions and be HURT when somebody tells you the GOTDAMN truth. I've sat for years not saying shit to people because I knew that I had stored up so much concrete evidence that it would SHATTER their very existence! and you're hurt because I'm telling you that your job choices are lacking and thats not why you came here in the first place, basically telling you that you're settling! and YOUR feelings are hurt. OH REALLY my feelings weren't hurt with the many asshole things you've said to me right? like when you scolded me about  my job options, NOPE. Cuz apparently I'm that heartless bitch that just doesn't give a shit right.! NO I'M NOT GONNA COSIGN ON YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT! NOT WHEN I THINK YOU ARE SOO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! But you wanna hear what you want to hear. you'll tell me how hurt you are and be soo quick to tell me off but you wont say a damn thing to the person that you lay down with every night. trying to help you cover your ass in certain situations. FUCK THAT! I'm not hurt I'm seething. You're too fucking stubborn to see. BUT YOU DO SEE. or you wouldn't ask dumb questions. I hold my tongue back from a lot of people. Everyone likes to talk about how real they are. but they can never take it dished back at them. I take a lot of hurtful things A LOT, and everyone thinks that, that shit falls on deaf ears because I don't respond the way they want me to. but thats cause i'm doing that "dugre ritual"- listening instead of reacting... in a nutshell... AND FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT... ONE BREIF MOMENT! I felt bad I felt like I shoulda been supportive. because everyone says that friends are supposed to have your back and we sift out the rest. and I thought to myself, you really believe that nonsense? PHUKET . I've been curbing my enthusias  because it hurts people too much. and i'll continue to take harsh criticism because well in these moments yea I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I know how hurtful it is and you keep pressing me. So don't act brand new... you OWE ME THAT MUCH! 

*eLLe

Basketball wives

        Alright so I have to admit I am secretly (now not being a secret) addicted to Basketball wives. I started out watching the show thinking like wow. I am SOOO ashamed of being a female. I couldn't believe the stuff I was watching, I was like "nope, this cannot be real". I mean talk about hood rat stuff. These women are just disgusting with all the bullshit and the nonsense, the bickering and calling each other fake and the whole "who's who" of wives. I sat there like this cannot be real. There was an episode that really put a bad taste in my mouth and it was, I guess the idk what i'd call them, I guess mean girls or the cougars idk. And they were beating up on this girl cuz she called her wedding off. so they were trying to get at her, gang up on her and make her feel like crap. But the kicker is that they ALLL married basketball players and then were divorced. So why were they forming the lynch mob. I mean these girls really go at it. FOR NO REASON. It really seems like a life of superficialness. FUCKERY if you will. They all try to insinuate to themselves that they are not gold diggers but really though they are, and they have NO class whatsoever! I watch this show really like wow is this really what men are about? Put something shiny on their fingers and they're sold? Give them a house, a car, a tea-cup and a new weave and we're sold. I'm thoroughly pissed like wow. These women are really giving us a terrible name. 

      And I say all of that to say this. WHERE THE HELL WAS I SEASON ONE?????? The train wreckage is far to great to turn away. I watch season two religiously, it's sad! AND what's even more sad is how these producers know that all that have to do is make people right and they've captured a huge audience. I'm so angry that I fall for it. Maybe it's to point fingers cuz i know that would NEVER be me. I can't be fooled by handsome. you can't fool me with a ring. I aint, yeaup thats right, I AINT GON BE no trophy... F that... if anything YOU GON BE AT MY SHOWS, ON MY ARM playing that roll. Ugh this world... I can't even deal. But I'm soo hooked on that catastrophe that now I need to go back and sit through all of season one. Cuz them bitchez be fighting!!! One more episode left in season two but I think it's safe to say tami is crazy! hahaha... good times

*eLLe

THE Identity

            Every Identity is hard. I believe that. But I truly do feel that the Bi- identity is truly ONE OF the harder identities. See in my eyes, if you're on either side of the fence then that's what it is. It may have taken you a longer time to get to the public decision or it may have been a pretty painless decision for you. Either way if you're gay you say hey I'm gay thats just what it is. If you're straight you say Hey I'm straight and that's what it is. But when you're Bi, you identify with both, so what do you say??? Because you're explanation wont matter to people. If you happen to date a girl, first girl ever, The Bi identity gets lost and the question then presented to you is... When did you turn GAY????? and being that you're "HALF" gay you can't diss that side of you and say "I'M NOT GAY!!" But if you always messed with girls but always dated guys, then you're Straight. ORRR the best one!! you LOOK straight so I ASSUMED you were straight. or  you LOOK butch or feminine so you're gay! and lastly "she dates men but she totally looks like she would date women too, look how she dresses and carry's herself". we're like on that witch hunt. but being Bi still gets its nose turned up to, you have to PROVE yourself.  Being Bi isn't this free for all that the Gay and lesbians hate. (and that truly pisses me off). Shit is hard because you straddle the middle. You like boys AND you like girls. or you hate Boys AND you hate girls. so whenever and BODY is strong enough to impact you on that level it's great. Or you only like boys but you happen to fall in love with a girl. or you like girls and you happen to fall in love with a boy. There is no clear cut path for Bi's I don't think its as easy as going "I like both lets make it a party", As seen on True Life, It's attempted but not successful SORRY. It's confusing. See in my case I also like to flirt with gender restrictions. Sometimes I'm so girly and want to go along with the gender roles that are associated with your alpha FEMALE. and then sometimes I say "fuck you hetero-normativity nobody is gonna tell me what it means to be female or tell me that my demeanors are not woman like", and I go into this whole he-man hating thing. See, I see society and their "gender roles" for both sides and I either choose to ignore them, play along with them or mix and match them.  On top of that I'm Bi sector "It's all about the person, so whoever I date next is up in the air". 

           So with that in mind I'm gonna change paths a bit and not to look so grand scale and more personal, Dating is another issue, it can seem so miniscule but it actually takes its toll.  If you're straight your partner need only to worry about the the opposite sex. When you're gay, your partner need only to worry about the same sex. and when you're Bi, you just can't win. I can't be close to a straight guy according to my girl it's not possible and due to the fact that I'm straight in her eyes thats a double nope. I can't be close to AGs (aggressive,girls)  or anything higher than that (butch, stud), because they're like guys so again NOPE. I tell you, I feel caged sometimes. I don't feel like this free spirit blowing in the wind that dances in the sun. So many constrictions and rules. So instead I simply "spit" in peoples faces to keep them away from me because I know that I'm lovable, I know I have the power to make people fall for me. vein? no just seriously speaking. Putting myself on hold I just feel like I'm losing the light that I have/had, and the sparkle that I have/had. When people saw me I was that thing. I've been referred to as an anomaly. People gravitated to me even when I didn't want them too. Now I just feel like I blend in. Or I'm that girl that's always pissed and always upset and unpleasant to be around. Mind you me being unpleasant was something I used to turn on and off because I wanted to keep certain people away. Now it just seems to stay on regardless. And it's hard. I don't like feeling like I can't have a certain type of friend, because my friends were never one type. But curse me for being able to see were discomfort would set in for her. because if it were me it would drive me nuts. I just can't handle feeling so disgusting. ( I don't really having a closing sentence to end this so deal with it)

-eLLe

Some sorta way?

I'm feeling soo bombarded with emotions. Feeling like I'm not allowed to feel curtain things. I guess I brought that on myself. I created that. So now that I feel a certain way and created this "Image" I'm not allowed. I certainly feel very "Lykke Li- Everybody But Me", spot lights and loud sounds and a very defensive hand trying to block out the lights, duck and motherfucking cover.  Defend my honor. I just don't want to hear the "I told you so's" in fact don't even think about it. Cuz YOU'RE WRONG! you don't know shit. I really am put together I don't need anyone telling me my business. I just feel what I feel. Feeling like I'm not allowed. Well you know what fuck it. I don't give a shit! I miss you. yeaup I do. I hold people very close to me, even though I push like mad to keep you away from me. Been so afraid of confronting those feelings. Solidifying those thoughts. But in talking to myself I put it out in the universe. No taking it back. I just cannot have it all mixed up. He's that forbidden fruit. It seems so alluring duh, but when you're in a relationship you don't want to confuse the two, missing somebody because you just miss them, or wanting to be back with him. It is what it is, I can't completely cut off my arm and expect to never miss it! maybe my appendix or tonsil but not an arm or even a toe. and you know what? I wouldn't want him to just dismiss me in return, it's rude. Two years and some change, first love and you didn't make an impact on them and visa versa then thats truly sad. I'm just torn. So many thought's in my head with no option to explore just left with a bunch of words and assumptions and expectations from everybody else, that, Thank you but no thanks, I don't want your commentary! The more I write, type and think about it... I like where I am, I like being with her. It doesn't make sense to some, doesn't always make sense to me, but i don't feel like trying to make sense of it. Cuz it is what it is? I woulda miss out on the people i've met. Maybe I woulda met better people. But I woulda been living and thinking inside the box. A box that I lived in for two years. Nothing wrong with it, just not a box a want to be in. I do miss you! I do think about you! I do wish you well. But I don't wish for regression and I think that's what's gonna happen if I don't take the road less traveled by.

-eLLe