Sorry. I went there

I might just have to take it there. 

I'm sitting here trying to fool myself. and now the anger just came out. Everyone is right and i'm not all too sure of how to get to that point. I mean technically I have been doing what I needed to do, but I've also been talking to her via txt. What am I really looking to gain? I mean really? And the fact that I had to ask what should I do only solidifies that I'm looking for something else. I can only imagine what she's been doing. and I can only imagine that it would only tear me up more. I know she's still friends with Elena...( I just went there). And that shit like really? who were you trying to fool you idiot? Like the disrespect and lies??? She's not you're friend! I can actually name two other people who are not your friend. Keep your eye out! You got this BRO code: Bro's over Hoes... no matter how shady they are, they still come before your girl or ex. Who gave me a glance everytime you turned your back? who was trying to be loyal to me? hmmm. But if you can stab your boss in the back then I guess real went out the window with your dignity. And we thought ritz lost her mind. look at this and see what you want. But when everything is all said and done. I was nothing but loyal to you. I had your best interests in mind. I would never sell you out. I think I hurt you enough with the love I couldn't give you I don't think twisting the knife would make anything better. If you really want to do something you will. and you did. So don't play victim to yourself. you have more control over the shit you do, than the shit that others do. And I fall for it. Because I really do what to love you. and I want to make it all go away. I been slipping back into this comma of Bella... and ya know what I need to wake up. I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. As a matter of fact... you can't save anyone! I think the second anyone tries to save someone else they instantly lose themselves. The pressure becomes too much. It's a noble thing to do but we are not knights nor noble. and that's where we slipped up. Idk why we all gotta walk around thinking we are invincible? maybe because then we can feel like we're something more than just a number in the system. 

She's not over me... but she's dating somebody!? fuckin tell your story walking. Moments of solidification happen all to often for me. There are too many things that are light bulbing over me. 

So what now? how many more times do I need to relapse before I'm done. How much more insinuation needs to occur before I'm done to nothing.

There are still things that I think of that kind of bother me. Like the fact that my friends went out to meet with her that saturday night after my cookout. I did want her to talk some sense into her. But we can't always get what we want. And it still feels like she gets to have what she wants and I'm roughing it. She gets these cheat sheets and I'm not. No that doesn't work. If you want me. if you want to tell me something ask how I am. Then come to me. But I shouldn't be your major concern, Jen should be. Or Elena. and whoever else you're talking to. 

Idk I need loyalty, you've seen me at my worstest, and you went to meet up with her. you should have told her no. and the time I said I was here for you it wasn't really for you, I just thought i sent that to her not you, but you wouldn't have the guts to say that. I'm too upset with everything right now.

Everyone lets crumble to bella's feet huh? yea lets! 

Looks like I went there

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Canvas- Imogen Heap
unbroken- Demi Lovato

eLLe*