Two Blogs in one day... Well I had to blog it to keep me from contacting her. I'd been speaking to her all dayish. Finding everything I could just so we'd have an excuse to talk. So what! if I was out at a demi lovato concert. Everytime The convo ends I slip into minor aches because I have no idea when i'll speak to her next. We left it in the air. The cool thing is she txt'd me. I was so excited that I had to remember to pull it back some. How, in this world this world we go from being so honest and pure about our emotions to being so idk, opposite.
As I walked from the Hammerstein Ballroom I passed a particular statue that I'd been passing the whole week before. I got comfortable with it from across the street but this time around I walked the same side... Sure did look a whole lot differenter (yea I said it) the closer I was. But I stared it down. and as I did it made me feel a certain way. Like I was scared. But of what? Scared of it? The same feeling passed over me days before when I saw the female statues over the macy's entrance on 34th street. and as i looked at the cluster of statues over grand central. The feeling of maybe i'd been there before. Took everything not to call my ex (and even now, i had wanted to put my girlfriend) because I thought she might have understood... That somehow, I thought I was that statue. Seemed so crazy but i thought she might have empathized with me. Maybe I wasn't scared of statues maybe it inadvertently bought me back to somewhere I'd been before. Four statues over the Macy's entrance and one stood out to me. They all looked the same but somehow that one made me feel like I was looking at myself or family I don't know. This harol square statue made me feel some type of way. It was very alarming. I walked the whole way back to grand central cold, and talking to myself planning out this blog, if you will. Looking straight ahead walking as if i were invisible. or as if everyone else was. I felt distant from the world. Gazing at every tree wondering what it would feel like being the tree. Sad thing is I already knew. Doing so much for everybody and yet taken for-granted. Provide shade, helping the environment, keep this planet livable (cant think of that word) and yet we cut them down. build a meaningless building. They feel so forgotten and yet they are so beatuiful. Most don't give a rats ass about no damn tree. heathens.
I came across an intersection staring straight ahead not noticing directly at anything or anyone just doing the motion. Cars flew by, cuz everyone in the city has some place to be right, and for a moment I thought what would happen if I took a step off the sidewalk. My eyes clouded up... One could only be so brave. I was hungry but I didn't feel the desire to open my mouth I was way too busy thinking about shit. I felt so closed off. I wanted to call her but in my head I hear, take it easy slick. If you tell her everything now what are you gonna tell her then. Relapsing! when am I going to talk to her again? Do I even want to talk to her again? well this time its gonna be up to you to contact her cuz she txtd you today. txt her now! no wait don't cuz if she doesnt answer it will send you in a downward spiral. keep telling yourself she's talking to someone else. keep it moving! rebuilding from a relapse fall back into it everytime she reaches out. I want to reach out to her too. perhaps maybe to hold her. perhaps maybe I don't. My friends said I was this like mysterious psychic last night. Kinda laughed it off, nah i'm just a really good guesser. But boy was I on a roll last night. whatever it was luck or powers, it sure came off that I had powers. Made me think of all the times I thought so much about a person and they called me. moments later. Me wanting something and shortly after I'd get it. or me "sending" myself to her when she had an overnight shift and she could feel me with her. Maybe I did or do have powers. Maybe statues have a lot more to offer me than i know.
I came up on grand central staring at the cluster of statues. and here it came again. Was I that statue looking down with a look on her face. Did I know what they were all talking about and what joyous occasion the sculptor was depicting. I felt like I should have been there. I kinda felt left out. WTF is that feeling? why do I feel like there is something I should know? Still trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out why did I end up at that lovato concert that I thought I wouldn't go to. It worked out so in my mind I was thinking somethings gonna happen and I will meet more career changing ppl. well that sure as hell didn't happen. I left feeling foolish for ever thinking that would happen, I mean a concert? really elyse?! c'mon now! everything has felt like i've been making career moves. They always turn out to be that way. and THIS time it wasn't! could it have been for.... ???? noooo??? no way??? well it certainly wasn't for me. my nose was soo buried in that book I missed the whole waiting time. before I knew it they were letting people inside. What did this happen for??? maybe it was for... ???
I need answers.Songs:
Do you need someone- Beth Ditto
Canvas- Imogen Heap
Lothlorien- Enya
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