So um. where to begin? Um this one may be a long one cuz I'm hibernating for a while. I'm starting to get the questions of "what are we doing for your birthday?" and I'm not interested. September went by so fast for me and I'm so thankful for that, you don't even know! But somehow I feel like this month is going to drag on like crazy. I've been looking back at my past blogs and doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on them, eh? I've been sick to my stomach with lumps in my throat, cold sweats and junk, eh? Hydrolics put me at ease, yea. Just bought a new acoustic guitar that's so beautiful, sweet. I'll be volunteering with a children's center that my step dad put me on to, a while back, hopefully with children with disabilities, nice. Dance show this Sunday, okay.
I'm blocking. I want to get everything out and I just don't really have to words to say, I suppose. I've been coaching myself before bed. Telling myself to walk away. no RUN AWAY and run far. and run FAST! So the first step for me to run, is to run to the shredder. and shred every. last. letter. Then next is to take that claddagh and burry it. I was gonna toss it in a fire or through it out or some shit. But I'm gonna burry it. Haven't quite decided where but its going. Every hard copy picture I have of us shredded and every digital picture deleted. There's no going back at this point. and it's a scary thing but it's got to be done.
She told me goodbye. Words that she hates to say. but before that she told me that I don't understand her and I never did and no one will ever... hmp its just her against the world huh? My last thought about that. is that if there was something I did know. Is that there was a person she always wanted to be and there is a person she has to be. they were polar opposites. I saw that person. Time and time and time again. I'm also going to say that no I'm not your mother, no I'm not your cousin, no I'm not your brother. nor am i your first or second ex, but I am Sorry and I truly mean that. I cannot speak for them. But I am sorry for how I hurt you repeatedly. I don't know if you will ever read this but if you do. I KNOW who you wanted to be and I do understand you. That's why I wanted to fight your battles for you. and you know we have endless conversations to prove it. That's all that is going to be said about that.
Segueing. Now is the true process of learning to forgive myself. fuck trying to get her to forgive me. I don't need it. I need to learn how to forgive myself. and like my sister told me. not take myself so seriously. Too many imperfections in this world that I just don't like. It's so hard NOT to turn to stone. I'd rather fight everyone elses battles because when it comes to me. I LOSE every time. I'm so overwhelmed. extremely overwhelmed. One of my booski's asked me what I was doing for my birthday and halloween and I was like nothing I'm disappearing and he's like "ew you sound so emo". I really did tho hahaha, no really do. ugh whatevs. I'm such a beautiful person with so much love to give. so much heart to give. so genuine. So bright. So extrodinary. So brilliant. and so lost.
I'm just not in a good spot in my life right now. Pissed cuz I always thought I was stronger than this. I come from a line strong women. strong independent driven women who's about their shit. and right now I can't really join in their parade. I was supposed to go out to stilettos again this sunday for another night of funness. Simone's birthday was too awesome. But right now I'm not really feeling it. I gotta be honest.
So this guitar is pretty sweet. I need a name for it. may call it EL. it just so happens it's a EL-00 idk. I was just gonna call it bessie. That's all that comes to mind. I'll start playing it for a while and see how it treats me. I'm not only trying to figure out a name for my baby girl but I'm also figuring out what the world will know me as. I have so many nicknames. but I feel like if my fans are gonna feel connected with me then cut the gimmicks, here I am! Do I do first and last name just first name. just last name. When I come back to this blog, idk when that will be. cuz like I said I'm disappearing. you will know then. and I will be ready! just like my blog said. I'm so ready to put all of this emotion into my song. I will give my fans all of me. my concerts will be filled with all types of emotion and talent and love. Because my fans will deserve it. I wont pull a fan from the front on stage. I want to walk through yonder and pull someone out of a nook from some obscure location idk. My fans are going to mean everything to me. and thats truth.
So Um yea I think that about sums it up right now. hibernation starts. but please feel free to ponder over my previous blogs and such which maybe subscribe. maybe spread the word idk ya know. comment. aight
skyscraper - demi lovato
how to love - demi lovato
So bring it on- Cheetah girls
Determinate- Lemonade Mouth
A Happy Place- Kate Melua
eLLe*
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