Jesus take the wheel!

     It's like a huge waiting room. You plant your seeds and wonder when they'll grow how fast and or how beautiful. There's only so much you can do. You have to take in your surroundings and breathe it in all whilst you wait.  Sometimes your heart has to be your voice. It says a lot more. And for me, my mind and my heart don't always see eye to eye. So I choose to follow my mind, subtracting myself from the situation and it's funny I've never been a fan of logic, because it's more logical to. I mean really Let's look at the facts...It's just a fact. But one very important fact I always seem to over look is the fact that I've got heart. I'm driven by my heart with most things. My mind tries to rationalize my heart. So to try to create a form of safety net in case I fail... (Insert some sort of life and fail quote here) those quotes may be right but that's never what it feels like. It feels like the be all to end all. Now it's the past but well the past is still my present and I fixate until I'm worn to dust. Oh but wait!!! If that's not enough, let's obsess about the future what may or may not happen. Until each future becomes present and it breezes into the past and now I'm pissed because I'm getting closer to my doom. Missing shit because I work myself into hysteria.
      It reminds me of my sephora days: this time in particular really smacked me in the face when a lady comes from the skin care area of the store. Frantically looking around. She's probably thinking "see I looked all around" she's blindfully looking for the cash register. I know the store has expanded. But what got me was. She was walking in the direction of the cash register. A huge open space. All she needed to do was actually pay attention. Anyway she stops. With the register somewhat in view, turns around and says (with a flustered attitude) "where's the register?!!!" I said nothing but just smiled a little condescendingly and pointed behind her, toward the direction she was walking in the first place. I knew she was gonna come ask me for she had moved her head side to side even up and down already up in arms ready to fight but NEVER actually looked in front of her.  It was then that I thought wow how often do we do this in life. We get ourselves worked up with our fears and manifest them in unnessesary ways.  We'd rather run around like "the foosah is coming!!!!" Than prep ourselves for what's coming with the idea of "just keep swimming" and I say we... Really me, I can't shouldn't speak for others.
      Maybe I am what I've always dreamed of being. It's just on a smaller scale. I just don't have the press and media to validate every flaw and struggle I go through in every aspect of my life. Which may not be a bad thing. Just need to remember. That greatness that I seek may not be that far away from it just depends on how much I choose to analyse my surroundings. To us we look at celebrities thinking "they made it, I wanna be like them" but to them it may not feel like that. There are politics to every industry that makes anyone go bat shit! Just look at TLC still filing bankruptcy and their albums were making millions or the fact that they were dropped from their label because their manager felt that she was portrayed in an unflattering light. It's all bullshit no matter what. So long as people are involved, basically.
      We're just all trying to make sense of it all. I often find that I talk to myself. Play out scenarios. Anything to keep myself from losing my mind. And it doesn't take much to lose it. I play out flights of fancy to thoughts of rationality and admit to myself. It's not like I haven't admitted things but you really have to admit them more than once. I'm really trying to come to grips. Jesus take the wheel!!!
This too shall pass. But when I invest in things wholeheartedly it's so hard to feel like I didn't  fail. I have so strong of grip and it takes over.
Jesus please take the wheel...

Current song (s):

Humming- Portishead
   

Yup.

     It's the lingering departure. The one that stutters. Or the one that drags slowly in defeat. The one that searches for another question or remark so it's not final. They may not like you like you. But they'd do anything to soak up your air. Lame attempts to make you laugh...(those are "the best") "hey are you sure you're alright?" Ya I'm fine, I'm just extremely tired. (Bullshit) only you can't tell them the lights are one but no ones home, you're on autopilot. I may be going through turbulence right now. But I'm gonna continue on autopilot. Eventually it will end. I'm probably just extremely tired. I I have The jitters. A glass o' wine will do the trick.
    I haven't the slightest idea of where I am. Or maybe I do. Idk. I'm so removed, I feel mute.
Why do I have such a hard time accepting any of this.  Words and no sound.

Current song (s):
Wrecking ball- Miley Cyrus
Marvin's Room- Jojo/ Drake
Bachelorette- Bjork
All is full of love- Bjork
Unravel- Bjork

Don't care

     As if I was possessed by something I must have lost my mind. Surrounded by all these shits and I couldn't care to give one. To stare blankly into someone's face and know you have the power in your hands? I might have been scared. Don't care. I'm about to jump. The scariest feeling for me is the feeling of "I don't care" because I'm 50 shades of reckless. And in the blink of an eye I could have torn that man to shreds. I Barely ate yesterday. Too consumed. I got a taste of Hydrolics twasn't enough. But it sank me enough to not fly off the verbal handle.  I'm feeling extremely wierd. Extremely weak. It's Day two. It probably won't last long but I kinda don't want to stop. The winter is approaching. It will be a long and harsh one. It's always the hardest season for me. I might feed the beast. Why the fuck do I not care. How long will it last. Will I ...

Nessesito dormir, soy muy consado.

Current Song (s):

Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus
Born to Die- Lana del Ray
No one on Earth- above and beyond (Gabriel & Dresden remix)
Marvin's room- Jojo /drake

Hot damn!!

      Holy fuckery!!!!! I'll be john brown! Dare I say it? I'm okay!!! I'm mutherfucking OKAY! I want to question it but like I really don't. I'm on cloud motherfucking 9! And by golly gosh George! I want this to last! And not be a phase. I will speak no I'll will. But I went creeping because hey that's what I do! And of course I find a picture, shrine of her on IG because it was her birthday. And I was okay! My heart didn't race or feel heavy there were no tears and there was no aggression!!! Possibly just laughter! I had to call my BFF and tell her. Woke her up out of sleep because I needed to say this and I did. I hate this saying so I'll word it differently but it is what it's gonna be. And currently I don't really care to decypher anything. Good for them! Good for them. Really all I could think is "um ha okay" like that timer me and my old bestfriend had a really bad blow up and he said keep my name out of his mouth, I just said ha sure absolutely. Finite. I don't have much more to say about it as if somehow my spirits that are guiding me have one hand on my shoulder and they're like "elyse, You already know." Pahahahahahahaha man oh man. I wanna take my ass to sleep before I start to sing a different tune.
     October is finally over! I love my month but gee wilikers. It dragged on for way too long! Alora! I'm feeling the wind of productivity approaching. I wanna clear my space to allow all it's splendor cuz it's feeling something lovely right now, werq!
Aw shit it's labyrinth time!!! Ooooo oooo!!

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Let's dance- David Bowie
Work b!tch- Britney Spears