Fekk, I need help.

     It's been one week since I've been home and I gotta tell you, there's a heaviness like non other. My dreams have only been confirming so. Way too many goodbyes like two weeks ago. I know no one lives forever, but Mr. Eaton was one that I was not even close to expecting. He made me who I was or who I am, whatever. He believed in my leadership talents way before I knew I had them. Treated every kid of wphs like his own and made them feel special. In no way shape or form was I ready to say goodbye. Yet another situation I was forced to be strong. I'm over it. An overwhelming week to say the least. Only to hit NY to feel the heaviest I've felt in a long time. Every dream is a mirror and telling me I have repressed anger that I need to confront. But how?!!! I don't feel like I'm running, déjà vu. I cannot shut my mind off. And I'm afraid to admit what I'm not even sure is accurate. But idk. It can't be so. And then my sister says the guy at the bar that I've managed to pick up is the boy version of her. The intensity, the hips, the delicate danty masculine image. And then he got his coat. And it was her coat. FEKKK!!! Aeropostale fur lined zip up. Fcuk he was her. Only she was more put together.  This can't be right!
     I look at her now and I don't recognize her. She's not what I had years ago. I probably never had her. And i find myself needing to talk to her. Wait what? I don't need to talk to her. But it's like all the stuff I went through to not talk to her and tell her feels odd. But then again the last time we "spoke" we yelled at each other, arguing over shit I did that truthfully I had nothing to do with. I was so turned off I was like bye Felicia! I saw her mdw and she wasn't the person I fell in love with. And I know she saw me and thought that's not the person I ever fell in love with. We were estranged. Yet somehow now, I don't know what to believe or feel.
   Life doesn't make sense to me right now. There's the theory of confronting fears, and theory that you're running from them. Lately people and my dreams are telling me I need to confront my fears. I thought I was doing that. I make sure that I'm honest with how I'm feeling. I pick up artistic outlets like piano, guitar, drawing, singing, dancing  etc to allow myself to express myself freely. I even started this blog. It's my online diary, it's where I'm honest and me.. And I allow myself to be seen by an invisible audience. There's no telling who's in the audience but it's out there. Haunting and helping giving insight. Right now I want to talk to my friends and ask their opinion. It's not up to them. They can't help. They'll tell me I'm running. But I'm not. And when I'm not they tell me I need to date and distract myself. They have no idea what it is I do. So how can I rely on them to give me the advice I need. So I write here. Maybe I help someone with this. Maybe the one who shall not be named sees this. Although I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she knows better than reading these. She should have learned her lesson.
       It really doesn't matter what she's learned or hasn't learned. Whilst I don't miss all of her I miss some her. And some of the moments that were created by her. And as for JB it might take another few months to get over her. Granted I wasn't with her long. But man talk about seeing yourself married with someone and then having it Ripped from you and months later still holding on to the delusion that she's still your wife! I only hurt myself by holding on to her. She doesn't want to be held on to. I'm having a hard time accepting that. And I'm super hard on myself about it too. I'm so young though, life can't be about finding that person. Like that can't be what life is all about. I found my soulmate and let me tell you just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean you should be together. I'm just so stuck right now. I'm just angry at the world. And not sure how to make it right. I've been an "inspirational quote" junkie lately. Hoping one of those quotes will hit me in the face and I'll be over all of this. And love and worry about myself the way I do them. I'm going day by day, talking to myself in a soothing understanding matter. And yet my dreams are still telling me that there are fears I'm not confronting. Okay well how do I confront them. Cuz I'm so over this right now. My happiness needs to come from me and not love in another person. Idk I just can't even right now. I'm like stalemate, help!

*


Current song(s):

Scarburough fair: Simon and garfunkle
The world can be yours: Telepop Musik
Reconsider (Jamie remix) : The Xx
Hanging on: Active Child

Shut your brain off dude

    I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Just wasn't ready to go home. I found myself at the commons. Sitting in our spot. Wanting to text her, but not really. I didn't know what to make of the txt I got. Normally it would be whatever but I almost feel like life is repeating itself? 

     He txt'd me after a year asking to hang out and of course I'm like yea we can meet somewhere. That's about all I could do at that very moment. Funny thing is I left work thinking to myself "I just want to be in my bed and cuddle..." But when the opportunity presented itself I wasn't about it, AT ALL.  Usually I could go with the flow. But I really wasn't about it. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a year. I don't wanna romp with you. If we're just cuddling why do I have to be emotionally available to you because you told me you aint bout that life. Now you come across a girl that's not falling all over you and it's problem... That's where I checked out the first time. 

     Rochester made her guest appearance again a few days ago. The thought of me moving back to NY left her with the hope that there would be a little more of an us. It was sweet yes but not realistic in the slightest. Me and Rush hang out and talk more like we did a year ago, before we stopped. Same with the bohemian rhapsody... I look at this time last year and see the characters coming back and the timing seams very accurate. and in the order kind of. 

      Thing is I don't feel like I did anything wrong, like there was a lesson that needed to be learned, so this is going to continue until the lesson is learned. I loved this past year with Boston. It has been a real year. Very action packed. I'm over thinking it aint I? None the less, I just needed to not for about two seconds or 10. 

     I wanted to feel connected to her, I wanted very badly to put her in earshot of my name. I just don't know anymore. You work so hard to distance yourself from it all that you end up back in it. 

I'm treading and getting a little tired. Between worrying about how to make sure that my ends are met, doing what needs to be done, for now and future career and job and money and creatively feeding the soul... Wondering if a person still thinks about me as much as I'd like them to, in the way that i'd like them to, I'm just not in a mind zone to care. I really need to get through this weekend. All this networking is awesome but making me anxious because I can't pay bills on hope.

     I don't know what to make of it all... that's my biggest challenge... it is what it is ... there's nothing to make of it. Don't try to. 

ELyse

Current song (s): 

Any Other Name- Thomas Newman

Infinity- The Xx

Call it what you want

       It's that moment, a rude awakening. Some call it negative, pessimistic, realist, devils advocator etc. I don't know what I would call it, maybe just my thoughts? I can't be disney ALL the time. Man I'm killing moods left and right. They say if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all... Why is that? We're raised on "be honest" and then you're honest and it's wrong, that's not "appropriate" when is it ever appropriate, I mean really, let's think about this... ORRR Possibly because you just come off like a hater. That's probably it. "Just play along, let them have their moment, don't be a selfish bitter bitch." Yet somehow, today, these thought bubbles form into words and these words pour out "involuntarily". I may or may not need to work on my filter. So if I can't say it, can I use the side eye instead?
       I guess I'm feeling really controversial. Like I wanna debate, I wanna ruffle feathers make people uncomfortable. I have these thoughts who can I share them with? not the people around me that's for damn sure. I know how I should feel about Veterans Day today but leave it to me to feel opposite. Leave it to me to go into structural injustices of America. Leave it to me to not want to play along in reindeer games. A woman made a comment about catholics today and I side eyed her so hard... I tried so hard not to be condescending. Like how arrogant am I that I need to try to shatter people and their beliefs. as she proceeded to tell me that catholics love everybody... (i'm just going to sip my tea) That's great in theory but um humans are involved so that's just not true. And as I've gone to many a catholic churches and other churches I can honestly say that sorry you're inaccurate. But again, who the hell am I to go around bursting bubbles. Today really is not the day for me to have an opinion. Cuz I've got too much opinion that often rubs people the wrong way and maybe it's because I feel the need to express them. For the record I did not say anything to the woman about her catholic love. I just side eyed her. and minded my business as she was not talking to me. I digress
       Here's the thing. I apologize for it, because my opinions makes people uncomfortable. Like why can't your opinions be just as pretty as you are? WHY do they have to be? Why do I have to exist in a way that makes people more comfortable. Maybe sometimes I'm really controversial, and then maybe sometimes I'm really not and I could give two shits. Either way it's me, I shouldn't apologize for it, just maybe surround myself with people that will allow for a POV session and get it out. Idk I think today is just not my day for spreading the love and uplifting word.
      I'm just praying that no one else approaches me with more thought provoking concepts because I just can't. I'm trying to curb my enthusiasm and I'm slightly failing. Just a Smidgen I need some sleep.

Elle

Current Song(s):

Flume- Insane

The chase

             But the truth is I want to be sought after. I mean really thats all that can be said. Nor do I think it's a ridiculous request. I think I've put myself through enough torture. Agonizing and over analyzing everything, down to the very last drop. It's totally not in my cards right now and it's actually okay. But I know that when I'm truly down for a person I will drop everything and go and follow and do whatever they want. I'll try to be a billy badass and refuse because I should be practical but my heart always wants to put a person first. It's not healthy. and I know it's not healthy because I get so tired of giving and giving and giving that it tips my scales and I'm selfish as fcuk. And then at that point it's just a wrap. I've never really found that balance. oops... I'm not mad about it, I just know now... nope nope nope, I just accept it now. Yea that's better.
             I am many things. Sometimes all at once even. I cannot apologize for that. and I'm not anymore. I think that wall that I've been trying to build back is finally coming back. Truthfully I dig it. Maybe that's why I didn't take her number. I only gave her mine. my thought process is such that if you want to txt me you can, but I will not chase you. The only thing this girl is chasing after is her dream. I need to keep that dream in view. I get side track so hard and will forget everything. I'm finally getting around to being motivated again.
              So you're like, what is she talking about? I met a girl, so stupidly delicious! she was that 80's early 90's heart throb that made all the girls swoon. and somehow I managed to claim it that night. Now usually I'm like lets exchange numbers. but this time I said you know what? you take mine before you leave. If she contacts she contacts and if not thats fine too. Because I know if I had her number I'd be like obsessing and getting eager and putting myself out there and distracted and I'm like nope not this time. Do what you want. At this point I'm so up in the air with living situations and job situations that I don't want a like interest to be the reason I pass up a good opportunity or make me not try as hard. That's what happened with my last ex. I stopped pushing so hard to go to Barcelona because I could tell she thought I'd just up and leave her. So to show her I was loyal to her, I said fcuk it. and we're not even together anymore. Granted I've been doing some wonderful things out here. But to be fair I'd do great things anywhere I go. And the point is, for as lonely as I get sometimes, I was never driven by love. By having that perfect relationship. aspiring to be in that perfect relationship. I was always driven by doing what I love and something I'm proud of. All the other stuff is minor to me. Yet somehow, I tend to get caught up in all the heresy of relational matters that I start to second guess myself. It's just not necessary..what ever will be will be. I'm getting a hold of my life, I don't wanna lose focus... I also know I'm dope as shit. So why am I putting out all the effort. NOPE bye felicia! cause when a persons worthy of you, they will do whatever it takes to show you that they are. and right now nobody is! sorry bout it.

ELysium

Current song(s):
U2- Sleep like a baby tonight

No mans land

      It's the itch. Stop drinking. Do not feed into it. And the song that plays " you can't run from yourself". What the fcuk. IM NOT RUNNING. And for the first time I see that I'm not running. But boy do I wish I had. I'm annoying myself! I'm so tired of hearing myself. I wish to hit myself with a silent stick. Turn down bitch! Uber drive me around all night. Give me a thorough driving tour of Boston. Keep playing those tunes. Street lights, statues, buildings. Montage. Take me home this isn't fun anymore. I don't want to ride this ride anymore. I miss the days when there were restrictions. No this ride doesn't give a fcuk. Life doesn't give two shits.
        To think that this will occur again and again and again. The feeling of stifled voice. And clipped Achilles' tendon. Confusion, excessive aggression. I need to run. I need not to be here. Paranoid desperate. Trying to let God. My prayers become more and more pathetic. I can't lose it. I'm angry. And growing angrier by the second. How can one girl be so rich and still feel like she has nothing?
It's your perception, What you're choosing to focus on. I can't help but to choose her. And that's why I'm banging my head against the wall. I hate that I choose her all the time. I need to go.

Elyse

Current song(s):

Let it go

    I lost it, I just fcuking lost it. Yesterday was just one kick in the stomach after another. All within a 5 hour span. Was it anything earth shattering not really. But definitely something that plays to my weakness and that's letting go. It's a hard concept for me. Of coarse, I call momma! I really do wish that the world could hear some of the shit she says! I can't deal with her. And as I was soaking in all of her wisdom... (Cue the second blow)
     My grandmothers house is going up for auction ( jaw dropped). And I just lost it. I can't let go of that house. It's not a matter of can't. I have no choice. And even though my mom says she okay about it. I don't believe her. She's like I haven't driven by the house since peach cut the maple tree in the front yard... ( wait what!!!!!). Are you serious? Now all the grand kids are just stuck and at a loss because we're not ready. But we can't afford it. All I can think of is the Brady bunch movie, like we all need to come together and enter a contest that offers a prize money amount that's enough to save a house and we show up at the nick of time. And I'm in Boston. LET GO. The house hasn't been the same anyway since she died. But it was grandmas house. So may memories and no way to truly express how I feel about it. There's no way to fix this. Cherish what memories came from that place and pay it forward. Build a house and a family and foundation right. How? Don't rush it, be financially stable first. Don't get hasty because you want something now. You'll then compromise your expectations and settle.
     I wanna get over there and have a minute alone. I don't know how possible that's gonna be. And that's what kills me. Watching something slip out of your fingers and having no control over it. My emotions are like a wild animal that can't be tamed and I can't control those either. Maybe I'm doing better than I think but it's not feeling that way.
     ANDD as I try to figure out how to revamp my trip home this weekend with jb. I get my final blows. And I'm on system overload! I can't deal, I lay quiet and watch Orange is the New Black. Which turned into an awesome roommate session of red wine and back to back episodes of Portlandia. Wait rewind, I don't drink wine. OH but I did last night and when the bottle was through we popped champagne. It was such a drunken high I wasn't used to. According to my roomie I was giggly and childish hahaha! I just shut the world and my brain off and said nope not today. I'm still not ready to open Pandora's box but I really have to figure out my trip home. Ugh I'm so not interested in this transaction.
        All these things are not earth shattering just sucky and the only resolve is to just cry, vent whatever. And then let it go

*eLyse

Current Song (s):

This Use to be my playground- Madonna
Reconsider (Jamie xx remix) - the xx
Intro- The Xx
Paper aeroplanes- Julia and Augustus
Black bird- The Beatles

Happy Anniversary Boston

           Happy One year! I've survived Boston for a year! I can remember eating dinner with my mother up here and after her seeing how much I would retreat when discussing my experience up here she says to me " Do you want to move back home?!" She was so concerned. She was reassuring me that it was okay if I felt like I really couldn't manage this on my own. I wanted to go home, soooo bad, but I said No, quietly and with the utmost of terror in my heart that I couldn't do it. She didn't believe me. She wanted to save me because she knows I'm the baby. This was huge for me, and this was truly the farthest I've been away from my mother (I'm kind of really attached to my mom). I think she had a sheer streak of panic as well. All of that to say, I remember how much I was starting to second guess my being up here. I'm glad I didn't give up.
          Speaking of giving up, I'm even happier that I didn't give up on JB. In my previous blogs I was like running for the hills. I was not about getting hurt. But in trying to protect myself I was essentially not allowing myself to be happy. Thus, I was hurting myself. In my head, if I hurt myself that's okay. But others were NOT allowed. In the words of Kevin Hart "ya'll gon learn today!". And I definitely did! Sitting on pins and needles wondering if my "wall" had officially pissed her off for good. Man talk about damage control! That shit is not cute and really, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! Ryan and Peach coached me through my "come to jesus moment". It was hard because I'm soooo FAALLKKKIINNNGGGG Stubborn!! and when I've made up my mind and the gate is closed... BYE FELICIA! I didn't want to be that way... not with her anyway. I saw myself being a 40 something year old woman pushing people out, still having a hard time accepting myself (cough cough peach cough cough) and I said "NOPE ain't bout that life". One of the Best decisions I've ever made.
           Speaking of Best decisions ever made, I recently left my job at the restaurant and got back into skin care and cosmetics world. Only I work for a cute boutique in boston that is all about healthy wholesome and safe products whilst being high performance. But it's been such an eye opening experience thus far. I'm so excited to see where it takes me! I think this is the first time that "relocating" was not the reason for my leaving a company. I love Boston and it really has been doing great things for me and my relationships. I've been really putting myself to the test and seeing what I'm made of. I really want to throw myself an anniversary party for myself, yo I'm mad proud of myself! As I should be. Slow and steady.
            But I've getting that "yo your life is about to take off" and maybe it's not... But I like when I get that feeling like everything is about to get more interesting, but it is all coming together and you're gonna be alright kid!

       Here's to Boston and really being able to flourish and really find my own.

*Elysium

 Current Song (s):

Don't Look Back- TelepopMusik

oh, hey world!

      My gosh I'm in such a weird space today, Almost like a funk. Like so off... Okay you know what that's not fair. Things have been all too perfect and joyous and right now, I guess I'm just experiencing the float back to reality. I need to be taking the advice that I gave to Peach and that is: To look at it from another lens.
      So I'm gonna focus on how overwhelmingly amazing it is to actually have a relationship with my second oldest sister. I truly NEVER saw that as a possibility in life. I was so prepared to treat her the way she treated me growing up. But let's face all the facts... My family is annoying but super dope as fcuk. To be able to talk and share with my sister as if she is friend so so unexpected. Part of me feels like if I drop the grudge then I am a sell out because I "made a vow" to keep her as an enemy and I always keep my word! The other side of me feels like "Well, I'm older now and things change, people grow up" and change scares the shit out of me (when I'm not the one controlling it). But seriously,  She tells me things that others don't know!!! We laugh about old situations! I can call her and discuss old bullshit and she knows how to be like "yea gurl ya buggin" and I'm not combative! AT ALL!! WHHHAAAATTTT???! THAT SHIT CRAY!! I've been fighting the idea of having my sisters in my life in anyway, I'm always like "OH NO!". But it really is nice, and something that I've always wanted! Honestly, Pride really is no fun unless its for a parade. Speaking of pride, I've actually been recently telling my aunt that she needs to cut the nonsense and she's been doing the same to me and, well, no ones combative and it feels good. She's raised me and for a while I felt like if I ever said anything to her she'd shut me down so quick! it was like she had an internal "panic button" and she's always quick to use it... Not this time, she let me have an opinion! and that's all I really wanted from her.
      The air around me may feel stale today but that's going to happen. It's literally like me dissecting every situation that I'm in and trying to figure out how it can be handled better than my usual. And then sometimes I have to say "hey elle, maybe it will handle itself, stop trying just let it be." and whenever I want to trust that feeling, I'm scared as fcuk and I'm like no I really just can't let go of my control. But I'm trying. And that's mainly because I'm exhausted from exhausting every situation. Can't even be sure I know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it...
       Dare I say it, allowing yourself to be happy is bit of a chore. Well in the beginning it is. It's all very new. It's a lot of communicating, a lot of letting go, a lot more owning especially with how you feel. and as my sister once told me, not taking myself too seriously sometimes. A major thing for me is to not take happiness away from myself. I must not think I deserve happiness because I'm quick to shut shit down before it has a chance. I prepare for things that haven't happened and may not even happen but I can't take that chance and then I'm mad at the world. SHIT AINT RIGHT!
       All in all Boston is doing some great things for me! I've been here for a year and it's been a great one! I'm hella excited to see what's to come!

*Elle

Current Song (s):

Black Bird- The Beatles

Too strong?

           Years ago, " The one who shall not be named" brought up the fact that maybe she's "not a strong as me".  Almost as if to say that I'm so hard and rigid maybe. Like I'm really "this is right and that's wrong" and that's the end of the story. Well over the years I've paid close attention to myself and my actions, others actions etc. Sometimes I'd come down on myself like why can';t you just play along? Why do you have to be such a buzz kill? Why can't I just join in all the reindeer games? My advice is so black and white, I can't really give you answers you want to here.That's dishonest. I come across as very cold and i'm not understanding. Thing is I do understand, But now, now I understand that we are all caught up in the reality show that we've created for ourselves. It's really fun to indulge in our problems and pretend that we don't see what's happening in front of us because in our minds we feel like everyone is watching intently to see what our next moves are. and Me? I'm the girl that tells you the truth. I'm the reminder that well, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! and well we're all over it! stop playing damsel in distress, it was cute for about 5 minutes but we're over it. Hell I even have to do that to myself, I rain on my own parade. My point is, maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. It's hard to have discipline but that's not a bad thing. You're not masochistic, you just chose to attempt to follow the same advice you'd give someone else. My thing is, you know what's right for you and you know whats not. Don't complain about something just to give yourself importance. and stop complaining about the shit you love to do and repeatedly do. It's annoying. What gets me is when people act as though they don't know how to fix a problem.granted some people don't. But majority do, they just want their cake, and everybody else's cake too and they want you to say it's okay.I really don't like to do that.
              So where am I right now? I'm trying to decide if I like my level of strength. Is it too much? Am I not understanding enough? How much gray can I add before I start to feel like I'm compromising myself too much. Do I really want to compromise. or am I just complaining and being a damsel in distress? I think I already know my answer.

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Carry on wayward son

      When in doubt, "Drag" it out. "To Wong Fu" was just the ticket needed to take me to ultimate sleepy land. Could I be more restless? Yes because restless is the beautiful ribbon that's tied in a bow around all my disappointment. I am exaggerating just a bit but it sucks. Hey guess what I was smart enough to not make the same mistake! It totally counts for something. I didn't force it. I want my way but that's just not going to happen! It's really not the smartest move,  I have NO control over this situation, Yeaup I said that shit. Well here's to never hearing from her again... And here is to... Barcelona! Here's to working, and grinding and being the queen I really am, I'm not getting distracted this time. I want this, and this wants me.
     Today I shall get up pay my bills, stretch it out in class and try to be as present as I possibly can. Cease every network opportunity and werq! I'm so young. What's that saying youth's wasted on the young? You damn right! And I refuse to have it wasted on this beautiful piece of ass!

*Elysium

A dream is a wish your heart makes- Cinderella
Defying Gravity- wicked
Strut- cheetah Girls
Flawless- Beyoncé
Do my thang- Miley Cyrus
Carry on Wayward son- Kansas

Here's to the road ahead.

     I really wanted to cry but the thing is, I had no tears to give. Also you know that moment, when you find yourself talking about something that you've been talking about for the longest time, and as you talk about it you're like... Ugh bitch it's over and done with. Well. My come to Jesus moment; my family is my family, I'd rather be super close with my mom because she's an amazing one, my sisters are stupid bitches but when I needed them they were there for me, my dad's tom foolery adds for comic relief (if I can allow myself to laugh at the fact that he's just a lost cause and stop being so sensitive) and I'm just a queen, a head strong, passionate queen that flips out whenever given the opportunity. I don't need to like them all the time. And to be quite honest it might benefit me to make that vocal more often. Anyway to keep painting this picture of this terrible family that I have I quite childish. Because they are in no way terrible. They're human they suck. I can choose to fcuk with them when I want to or back the fcuk off. It took me years to learn that. It also took me to last month and really last night to realize. I'm not uncle Rico. The past happened. Most of it happened exactly the way you saw it happening. And whilst I will always reflect on the past, I'm just not there anymore. I don't want to be, dude it's lame. And as much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. I think that possibly, It's time to stop denying what I want, I guess I've just been sorting it all out and trying to figure out just what exactly is that?
I'll continue onward. Set backs aren't the end. They are annoying but I don't know whatever.


*Elysium

Current song(s):

Valentines Day

      I woke up like this! I woke up like this! Happy!!! HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING VALENTINES DAY PEOPLE!!! Oh yes I just said happy valentines day!! I actually don't feel like bah humbug today... Everything has just been everything recently. The moments where I start to worry about something, I actually feel at ease because I know it's gonna work out. I feel at ease.  And when I feel this way I take the time to try to plan out what's gonna happen next.  And I gotta say I'm happy to see where this new project takes me! I'll give more details shortly because I'm extremely happy about it. Ah! You know me and God are like going back and forth right now, it's a good back and forth. It's like when you first start talking to someone and you have these little cutsie back and forths, you don't see eye to eye all the time but you know that ultimately you have the same goal at heart and your just being a ball buster but the disagreeing is all light hearted. That's how we are right now. With my job with the relationships I've been forming. My future. He's watching me walk around like I'm the big kahuna! I control my life and how it turns out and everything that happens from now to then. And he's like oh yea? That's cute... Imma let you finish but we're gonna go down this path instead. And I'm like "nope backspace delete" and he does it anyway and I'm like you right you right. I'm telling you, I'm fighting less and less with the things that are gonna happen anyway, fighting less with things that have already happened , fighting less with my own success and how beautiful I was, I am and will be. I fight with happiness. It's always been a dream and truthfully it is my reality. Today is valentines day and I love myself today tomorrow everyday! I may not like myself 365 but I do respect and love myself.

Today... Today will be a great day

Elysium

Currently song (s):

All is full of love- Björk
Secret Door- Evanescence
A dream is a wish your heart makes- Disney

Haunted

     I'm fcuking haunted right now. I'm so restless, anxious and where I know I showed be sleep right now I'm not. When there are different messages strown about in my head, I have a hard time listening to all of them. No that's not true I hear ALL of them and that's the "problem". I'm not dumb I can't ignore the warning signs. But I will try to insinuate her into my life. Stop. I wanna renig on my decision. In fact the harder I protest against something the bigger an advocate I become. I'm a walking contradiction, hypocrite. What I hate I love, what I give life to I kill. I talk myself in circles. If I look on paper she's not perfect. But she meets all the criteria. It must be because it's winter. Cause If it were summer I'm sure I'd be like swerve! I'd just really love for my brain to shut off. Oh wait it did and that's what got me here. No that's not true. Maybe I like torture. In the long run, I like what I have to work for. Easy is nice and flattering. I'll always take it. I mean really everyone would take it. But something that makes me sit and actually form a blueprint, Gets my attention. It's a greater reward.
    My old habits are in a war with new ideas. And I hate getting in the way. Lol nope that sound crazy at all. I mean I have to step in at some point. Which is what I thought I did earlier. But my mood changed haha. I may not have ever wanted to make that... Oh what the shit elle. You pulled the trigger. That just happened. Get new victim to torture. You'll be leaving soon anyway and you'll find a new soul to torture. This is your life. Sit down. Carry on the wayward sun...

Elle*

Current song (s):

The boxer- Simon and Garfunkle

Restless

      You ever hear yourself talk and literally hear it hit the brick wall? And in another desperate attempt to get the ball rolling you search for another mindless "snapple fact" and it just kills cuz you know it's just gonna hit the wall, you feel it, and you do it anyway? And suddenly you realize you're reaching. That was me today attempting to talk to my mom. Only she's too busy preparing for this vacation and I can't be too sure that she was ever the one I really want to talk to. But she usually does the trick. Today I felt like Coraline trying to talk to her mother and she's not into it... Is there a little door in my house somewhere?! Shit I already have a black cat!! I mean it's not like there's anything really exciting going on. Oh who am I kidding, of course shits exciting, there really is no cause I just feel better.
     Okay okay fine! I just need my mind to be settled and distracted because I'm having a hard time being here now, she's all I want I do and it's not an option... I took a trip down memory lane and I just feel so great about it. I looked at old videos of my birthday in '11 and could not stop smiling and laughing. I was ferocious. Hell! I still am! But it was great to look back at myself and not cringe, I looked back at a time where I felt so ugly and realized I really wasn't. I wasn't big, in fact I'm bigger now, but I was dope and I beat up on myself so hard for no reason. I lost myself so hard. Those videos are just epic! Truly entertaining! And then you come home to a beautiful blue house with this huge yard and realize (a) this will always be my home (b) I really am rich. It's not just about the material things I have, but the people in my life, the energy, my job, my talents... Everyday I'm reminded of what I have all the small things, and I realized I don't want to beat up on myself and put someone above me that won't lift me up. I want to do this alone. I want to keep going, keep discovering Elysium because it's truly been a blessing. I can be really oblivious. Possibly why my friends get so frustrated with me cuz it's really been too long. And I've exhausted the situation long enough. I'm bout to break out in "let it go" from frozen and "defying gravity" from wicked. Okay I really don't know if that's the correct name from frozen but who cares, I know what I'm talking about even if you don't.
       I tangentize too much... My point was when I feel good about something I want to share it. And because recently I've been spending time with someone more than anyone and I'm starting to put her in THAT role. And she doesn't belong in that role. No matter what. I have to remind myself  "all that shimmers isn't diamonds, it could be a rhinestone. It's nice but it ain't legit. There's nothing btwn us but sexual attraction... I can't go sharing with her because I will be let down. So hard. I've already shared enough with her. Let's be real she's just a "decoy". Every now and again God sends me someone right when I've sworn off partnership and vowed to be alone and happy with that decision. I think he's showing I do have the capability to jump into something with someone, and truly give it my all, but they aren't the ones. I don't think it's my time. But he's letting me know it is out there, just when the time is right. So now I'm sitting at home awaiting this vacation telling myself "you don't miss her. Calm down move along..." Not gonna lie I think I needed that pep talk. Almost tripped onto some feelings... Swerve!  Bye Felicia!
I'm really just too into myself right now, and that's right where I wanna be

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Defying Gravity - Wicked
Hayling- FC Kahuna
All is full of love- Björk

     

Nope, don't want this...

      She knows me like the back of my hand! Ugh it's to be expected I suppose, she is my best friend. Her concerns are my concerns. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against her wishes and put that Guard back up. I mean yea, I should stop fighting my feelings. But I'm elyse it's what I do. I have to protect myself, JB is trouble. It's going to bite me in the ass. On Friday I felt the crazy come out. I really don't have it in me. I hate that feeling, I'm not gonna come out alive in this one. She's a crafty one and I need to watch out. I want to shut her out and run in the other direction! I really don't want to address truthfully everything that I feel. I can't put it into the universe, it will be disastrous. I don't like what I become when I have a crush on someone. And again Friday reminded me of that. This wall has to go back up because seriously, We've spent too much time together already, I don't want to make the same mistake. BFF advises against it, but I have to stay on my toes. I'm starting to take root. If I take root, then I have to take off. Okay let's try this again... Time to disappear. Good thing I'll be away for a week. I don't want any part of this! I'm done. I do better by myself.
Here's to perfecting my wall of steel!

Elyse*

Current song(s):

Breathe me- Sia (mylo remix)
Humming- Portishead
Hunter- Portishead

5 AM

   Fucking 5 am and here I am, still awake. I was so sure I'd be sleep by now but instead I'm up crying like a pansy watching "The Other Sister". Really elle? Just ridiculous. I never wanna cry and then I find myself in the middle of the water works and at that point I'm just like Fuck it! I mean that movie was so well cast and thuroughly done. Ugh just amazing... Am I gonna go to bed? The movie is over. Nope. I'm gonna keep up with Diane Keaton and "First wives club" it up! I only wish I had the family stone on DVD because of coarse netflix doesn't want to have anything I'd like to watch.
   Whatever the fuck, it's 5 am and I'm just up. I know exactly when I'm gonna go to bed. That's the part that kills. Only to indulge in another week of faux smiles and nauseating small talk. Hold your fcuking tongue elle!!!  

Be silent, be still.

Elyse you're so restless, you wonder through fields of holly, hoping to walk the streets of gold.  Just wait. 

In shadows, I hide my deepest memory. In darkness, I hide in plain sight. In present, I seek to rectify my past... And the future never comes to light.

Elysium

Current song(s):
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik 

Top shelf

     What the shit! He started confessing!!! Wait what?!! NONONO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!
I'm really trying to figure out what a sex life is... Yea I know... 26 and I'm still not sure of how to casually sex. (It's a good problem, I'm pretty okay with that) anywhoo! Hooking up? What is that how do we do that? Who do you do that with? Am I allowed to just have someone in my bed but like don't touch me?! I've heard stories but how do I make this work for me ya know.
    In an effort to figure this out, I figure okay you gotta be heartless ya know, we don't love them hoes! I'm all pretty woman with that shit, I'm like "nah I don't kiss on the mouth, shits too personal B, I ain't bout that life. Idk how people can have sex and not get attached so I'm not looking you in the eye and I'd rather not kiss you the way I would with someone I like. Unless I'm trying to steal your soul,  play with my victims before I destroy them. Nah but seriously, did you know that if a shark gets flipped on it's back, it goes into a coma like state? Well whales know that and that's how they defeat the shark and EAT them! Yea. Crazy shit. Random snapple fact. Don't look into my eyes. I get got son. That's my kryptonite. Where was I? Oh right, so these are things I don't do. If this is potentially just gonna be sex then nah none of that. I've also thought up sales pitches like: hey my hip flexers really need to be opened up, I'm working on flexibility for dance and my hip flexers suck! Care to help? I mean really no one is turning this down haha but instead dude hits me with some I need to be available emotionally. Errrrr????? Excuse me? Nope. He thought I was playing him by starting and then being like uh no... Yes I like to be in control, but I'm also postive that I like the thought of sex more then doing it. And I haven't been with someone intimately in a little over a year or so, so yes I shut shit down quick! Pineapples! He says it pays to be emotionally available and I'm like no! Backspace delete! I'm ever so sure I'm never gonna romp around with again after that. I started feeling wierd and awkward and exposed... And then...
     ...We meet again friendly rompage commencing, he starts asking follow up questions to our heart to heart last time and I'm just thinking like nope! I don't allow people in my space stop trying to ask me why you're different as if to soften me up. Not gonna happen. So you're thinking elyse he likes you. No he doesn't, he's like me, has to be in control. He wants me to confess and to gush and I'm like meh, I suppose. He even brought up how wierd we are and how surface our "relationship" is and I'm like yea that's where it's gonna stay. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he's sewing his royal oats, he plays with his food but never eats it. He told me that in our first convo. I don't forget!
       There he is the next morning. Confessing. His insecurities. Wait what?!!! Nooo don't do that. What are these mind games. And why are you telling me this? You were soooooo confident before and then he just blurts it out. Ummmm. I'm flattered? I'm confused. Why are you telling me this and where did that come from? I'm not letting you in though. So tell your story walking. I'm so not interested in giving emotionally. And especially to someone who will be careless with it. The last thing you want is for me to be emotionally available. It's like Pandora's box. And really. Ain't NOBODY got time for that! I could see if this was going somewhere but we both no it's not. Yea sure let me add my name to your list! NOT get outta here... If the first thing you tell me is you don't want a girlfriend the whole operation is shut down. Now you're asking me to be more accessible to you by making it seem like it's gonna benefit me??? Hahaha bye Felicia! My liquor's top shelf.

*elyse

Current song(s):
     

Me vs. Myself

     I get that itch. But I can't scratch. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.  You tell yourself "okay this will be the last time, I promise it's not gonna bother me. I just need to get it out of my system." Yea it's out of your system when you don't find something that will destroy you. But you almost hope to find it. So every time becomes the "last time" but it never is. Unless you really buckle down. It's gonna bother you, and yet another night of tear soaked pillows and screaming headaches, you can't unsee things, and you wonder "why did I do that? I'm never doing that again!" Then you go on a "fuck the world" spree for about a week or so. And there goes that fucking Itch!!! You almost start to fall in love with your pain. And then I start to have these outter body experiences where I find myself asking "but who is she?" Literally. I can't place her face I can't place who she is or was she to me. And as I start to release the balloons into the sky, sheer panic crosses over and I'm grasping all the balloons that haven't gotten away yet. The awesome part is, these moments happen more and more... I have fewer balloons! Feeding my itch would only be giving me new balloons. It's pathetic absolutely. At this point it's not a matter of does she think of me. It's all about me. Hahaha... I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time accepting the things I can't change. I have a hard time forgiving. I can't heel. In an effort to figure out how to deal with those things, right now I'm gambling almost everything; Jobs, emotions, friends and family, activities, even home, I'm putting stability on the line. I have a hard time with uncertainty, with change, with the unknown. I'm throwing everything to the wind, slowly burning bridges without the other bridges completely built. Pissing people off,while writing others off. For about 5 minutes I seem to care, and then I'm like eh whatever happens next is gonna happen next. I can't say I completely don't care but I do understand that my actions have consequences. So let's ruffle feathers and push buttons. I'm young and I'm cookie cutter. My 20s are almost over, let's have fun and have some close calls. It's like I'm playing CHICKEN! So, I'm kinda putting myself in a hole, kind of still digging it and now I'm like "get yourself out! You got yourself here, push through. you're emotions are displaced, figure out the source and attack that. Remember your strengths cuz you have a lot... " and suddenly all those fears turn into amo. And I come out like Rambo! I just get distracted. The past is always there to remind me of how I have failed. I don't like to lose! But sometimes you have to lose to get something better. We're pushing forward, we gotta lose... Right? I don't fucking now. There's that DAMN uncertainty. You can't always be in control. Ugh. I've just decided I'm totally over talking about it. This whole thing.
        I just needed to vent to hopefully distract me. That worked until it didn't and now I'm just gonna put myself to bed. Full days ahead, yay for keeping busy!!!

*elysium

Hayling- FC Kahuna
I remember- kaskade