I get that itch. But I can't scratch. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE. You tell yourself "okay this will be the last time, I promise it's not gonna bother me. I just need to get it out of my system." Yea it's out of your system when you don't find something that will destroy you. But you almost hope to find it. So every time becomes the "last time" but it never is. Unless you really buckle down. It's gonna bother you, and yet another night of tear soaked pillows and screaming headaches, you can't unsee things, and you wonder "why did I do that? I'm never doing that again!" Then you go on a "fuck the world" spree for about a week or so. And there goes that fucking Itch!!! You almost start to fall in love with your pain. And then I start to have these outter body experiences where I find myself asking "but who is she?" Literally. I can't place her face I can't place who she is or was she to me. And as I start to release the balloons into the sky, sheer panic crosses over and I'm grasping all the balloons that haven't gotten away yet. The awesome part is, these moments happen more and more... I have fewer balloons! Feeding my itch would only be giving me new balloons. It's pathetic absolutely. At this point it's not a matter of does she think of me. It's all about me. Hahaha... I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time accepting the things I can't change. I have a hard time forgiving. I can't heel. In an effort to figure out how to deal with those things, right now I'm gambling almost everything; Jobs, emotions, friends and family, activities, even home, I'm putting stability on the line. I have a hard time with uncertainty, with change, with the unknown. I'm throwing everything to the wind, slowly burning bridges without the other bridges completely built. Pissing people off,while writing others off. For about 5 minutes I seem to care, and then I'm like eh whatever happens next is gonna happen next. I can't say I completely don't care but I do understand that my actions have consequences. So let's ruffle feathers and push buttons. I'm young and I'm cookie cutter. My 20s are almost over, let's have fun and have some close calls. It's like I'm playing CHICKEN! So, I'm kinda putting myself in a hole, kind of still digging it and now I'm like "get yourself out! You got yourself here, push through. you're emotions are displaced, figure out the source and attack that. Remember your strengths cuz you have a lot... " and suddenly all those fears turn into amo. And I come out like Rambo! I just get distracted. The past is always there to remind me of how I have failed. I don't like to lose! But sometimes you have to lose to get something better. We're pushing forward, we gotta lose... Right? I don't fucking now. There's that DAMN uncertainty. You can't always be in control. Ugh. I've just decided I'm totally over talking about it. This whole thing.
I just needed to vent to hopefully distract me. That worked until it didn't and now I'm just gonna put myself to bed. Full days ahead, yay for keeping busy!!!
*elysium
Hayling- FC Kahuna
I remember- kaskade
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