Yo it's been awhile! Still, though, I feel like I find myself upset about the same shit and stressing about the same shit. Though, those shits are different from each other; it's your typical Elle. Although I could throw in a plot twist! Here we go... I have a boyfriend. We've been on for a year and some change. It wasn't exactly the smoothest transition from the one right before him. I don't know if I've mentioned her on this thing or if... well uh... I just took a break to read what I wrote over a year ago aaaannd it turns out, I did mention her. um well, no she didn't stay. I don't know if I pushed her out because I couldn't be sure at the time she even wanted to stay; or if I was tired of waiting to be wanted. I wanted to be wanted by someone the way I want myself (most of the time). It wasn't easy.
um... and actually writing in this and retracing my steps is making me feel off.
I want my "friends". I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends hahaha totally okay with that. I've really just been feeling like I'd like to be all alone. and writing in this blog after some odd months makes me just hate this all over again. Well then why write? It's like half, torture and half me standing in a room reading myself to an invisible audience and having to be okay with their reactions. Partial judgement or maybe helping. Idk who this helps but I'm looking for some type of outlet. I straddle the idea of wanting to be visible as hell and hiding like a muthafcuka. I am such a prisoner to myself. Like "hey elle, you are absolutely beautiful and talented. Why not conquer your world?!" hmm such a great idea and yet somehow just not tangible. I can't make it stop. I'm trying to. Actively trying to. I have this boyfriend who's the best and I have these moments where I'm like 'ohh look at how happy you are? this is amazing, look at everything you have?! You are sooooo blessed' and then that feeling gets interrupted by 'you're a liar! this whole thing is lie! everyone know's you're lying! stop fcuking lying! you're happiness is a lie!' and then I'm stuck wondering if I'm just sitting here playing house.
The only thing that keeps me from completely jumping now a days is that I'm seeing my trend. I just fcuking read my last two posts and I was like girl really? Same fcuking shit! Am I sabotaging? Am I projecting? or deflecting? I'm most certainly looking for something. I must be. Am I trying to scare him or myself. No more future talk, I think it scares the both of us. I still remember what he said and well I think he's right. What if he is right? I revisit his space idea and he's not about it. I still look for having an apartment that's mine, he doesn't understand why I'm doing that. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He's brought it up before and I say okay and goes back on what he says. I guess it's good but one of us has to be the strong one. I'm helping restore his apartment to the way he see fit. and I'm going to start figuring out how I can give more space. We both go through this, he has his lows and so do I and they freak me out and I want to run. I question everything and try to convince myself that I'm [not] making a mistake. I need to go back and make some lists. I miss being alone but I can't be sure that if I got that wish I'd be happy with that.
I can't escape myself and frankly, Y E T A G A I N, I'm exhausted! Please Jesus, take the wheel!
[[ Finding]] Elysium
Current Song (s):
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
