Hibernation

          So um. where to begin? Um this one may be a long one cuz I'm hibernating for a while. I'm starting to get the questions of "what are we doing for your birthday?" and I'm not interested. September went by so fast for me and I'm so thankful for that, you don't even know! But somehow I feel like this month is going to drag on like crazy. I've been looking back at my past blogs and doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on them, eh? I've been sick to my stomach with lumps in my throat, cold sweats and junk, eh? Hydrolics put me at ease, yea. Just bought a new acoustic guitar that's so beautiful, sweet. I'll be volunteering with a children's center that my step dad put me on to, a while back, hopefully with children with disabilities, nice. Dance show this Sunday, okay. 

         I'm blocking. I want to get everything out and I just don't really have to words to say, I suppose. I've been coaching myself before bed. Telling myself to walk away. no RUN AWAY and run far. and run FAST! So the first step for me to run, is to run to the shredder. and shred every. last. letter. Then next is to take that claddagh and burry it. I was gonna toss it in a fire or through it out or some shit. But I'm gonna burry it. Haven't quite decided where but its going. Every hard copy picture I have of us shredded and every digital picture deleted. There's no going back at this point. and it's a scary thing but it's got to be done. 

        She told me goodbye. Words that she hates to say. but before that she told me that I don't understand her and I never did and no one will ever... hmp its just her against the world huh?  My last thought about that. is that if there was something I did know. Is that there was a person she always wanted to be and there is a person she has to be. they were polar opposites. I saw that person. Time and time and time again. I'm also going to say that no I'm not your mother, no I'm not your cousin, no I'm not your brother. nor am i your first or second ex,  but I am Sorry and I truly mean that. I cannot speak for them. But I am sorry for how I hurt you repeatedly. I don't know if you will ever read this but if you do. I KNOW who you wanted to be and I do understand you. That's why I wanted to fight your battles for you. and you know we have endless conversations to prove it. That's all that is going to be said about that.

      Segueing. Now is the true process of learning to forgive myself. fuck trying to get her to forgive me. I don't need it. I need to learn how to forgive myself. and like my sister told me. not take myself so seriously. Too many imperfections in this world that I just don't like. It's so hard NOT to turn to stone. I'd rather fight everyone elses battles because when it comes to me. I LOSE every time. I'm so overwhelmed. extremely overwhelmed. One of my booski's asked me what I was doing for my birthday and halloween and I was like nothing I'm disappearing and he's like "ew you sound so emo". I really did tho hahaha, no really do. ugh whatevs. I'm such a beautiful person with so much love to give. so much heart to give. so genuine. So bright. So extrodinary. So brilliant. and so lost. 

     I'm just not in a good spot in my life right now. Pissed cuz I always thought I was stronger than this. I come from a line strong women. strong independent driven women who's about their shit. and right now I can't really join in their parade. I was supposed to go out to stilettos again this sunday for another night of funness. Simone's birthday was too awesome. But right now I'm not really feeling it. I gotta be honest.

     So this guitar is pretty sweet. I need a name for it. may call it EL. it just so happens it's a EL-00 idk. I was just gonna call it bessie. That's all that comes to mind. I'll start playing it for a while and see how it treats me. I'm not only trying to figure out a name for my baby girl but I'm also figuring out what the world will know me as. I have so many nicknames. but I feel like if my fans are gonna feel connected with me then cut the gimmicks, here I am! Do I do first and last name just first name. just last name. When I come back to this blog, idk when that will be. cuz like I said I'm disappearing. you will know then. and I will be ready! just like my blog said. I'm so ready to put all of this emotion into my song. I will give my fans all of me. my concerts will be filled with all types of emotion and talent and love. Because my fans will deserve it. I wont pull a fan from the front on stage. I want to walk through yonder and pull someone out of a nook from some obscure location idk. My fans are going to mean everything to me. and thats truth.

         So Um yea I think that about sums it up right now. hibernation starts. but please feel free to ponder over my previous blogs and such which maybe subscribe. maybe spread the word idk ya know. comment. aight

songs:
skyscraper - demi lovato
how to love - demi lovato
So bring it on- Cheetah girls
Determinate- Lemonade Mouth
A Happy Place- Kate Melua

eLLe*
    

I forgot

               So last thursday I went out with my home girl/ coworker... when I stumbled across this beautiful Argentinean soccer player. ugh to die for! I guess its safe to say that we were liking each others company that night. we danced all night to like everything, salsa, meringue etc. and he totally commanded my moves. He told me where and how to move with his body and I did just that. As much as I could, was kinda hard keeping up. But for as "aggressive" as he was he really wasn't like "aggressive". So at one point I'm sitting behind him and he's standing in front of me with his back faced me. and he takes my hands and wraps them around his waist. and held them there. I would not have expected that at all seeing how he wasn't forcing himself on me. and ya know what? I truly forgot how much I love to hold people. It's like holding that teddy bear when you are a child cuz you knew that teddy bear loved you like no one else. didn't matter that he/she wasn't real. it was to you!
        So I mean if you see my arms, they're not anything short of scrawny. But I gotta say I love to wrap my arms around people and hold them. It almost makes me feel like I'm shielding you? I don't know. It's just, it makes me feel like I'm strong. It probably links into a whole trust thing with me. I love to give good hugs or put my arms around someone because it's a deeper meaning than words. It's like my way of saying you can trust me. I will hold you when you feel weak. I'm always here for you, kinda thing. I love when people can feel like they can trust me and drop their guard with me. Because I'm such a loyal person and sincere, I don't want to disrespect you in anyway and I don't want to deal with disrespect. So if a person can feel that through the warmth of my scrawny arms, well then my arms don't seem so scrawny then. It's been such a long time since I've held someone in my arms and really held them close to me. I forgot what it felt like. and being there with him really reminded me. I'll do it to my coworker once in a very blue moon but I never really go all out cuz like I don't wanna be that creeper! and for as hard as I am, I love to be wrapped up in a moment. I've had a few of those moments in my life and I can tell you that I remember them, most of them. It's just like an awesome feeling. and a feeling you don't just share with anyone. only loved ones ya know.
       I get so distracted in life with dumb small shit that I forget that a hug matters. and not just that ass out hug but the ones where they just scream "I'm here with you, in this moment, here I am" and it feels awesome. I don't get those moments anymore. But I'm more than willing to share one. It seems so desperate of a statement. But those moments rock. and I love to have someone feel safe around me. It's just soothing! alright alright, whatevs!
I'm done now!

Breathe me- Sia
More than a Band- Lemonade Mouth

eLLe*

Deuces

Oh lord you should have seen me last night.

ahahah looking all types of foolish! The high school elyse would have smacked me silly! If you told me I could ever get like this, I would have never believed you! I begged and I pleaded for her not to leave me! talk about desperate! I totally humiliated myself. I cried for her like the way I've cried for my dad when I was a kid. It's soo funny I never thought I could reach point. I thought it was beneath me. But its scarier to even think that I could go further. Lord have mercy! I just can't. She doesn't want to work it out. she said it from the beginning. Well wipe the egg off my face, ha! where's my gay bestfriend who's supposed to call me "dumb bitch" and then snap me out of this lol. My sisters have been so damn supportive. Coaching me through. They're soo funny and so right. and more so, soo annoyed! They totally do not want me wasting my time. It's just easier said than done. And my mom was getting ready to bust somebody's ass! I shutter to think what would happen if I unleashed any of my family on her. But I'm happy to know that they would. Didn't really think they cared so much. That' so nice of them. I guess they aren't always the devil, and they aren't ALWAYS out to get me! I started making a blanket that I didn't finish. well I'll continue making it and make it for MY niece! I will be an aunt after all! :). 

      I just kept having these dreams that I worked myself into hysterics trying to get her to hear me. and she looked at me like "and?" and then I had that dream again! and at the end I finally just stopped I looked at her and ran as far as I could. They shouldn't call this shit a break up they need to call it "the severed ligament" hahahaha man. I'm soo choosing to laugh! anything to keep from crying! I started it this time I absolutely did. Maybe I should look at the facts in real time and matter of fact. and just be real and honest with myself. All the flailing and whaling couldn't bring her back. I wanted to push her and I did. I guess I'll be my own gay best friend and say to myself "you zdumb Biatch! you need to stop with all them dramatics! you silly hoe!" 

I've done more harm to her than good. she deserves to walk away from me. like dane cook "she did her best!"

songs:
Determinate- Lemonade Mouth
Breakthrough- Lemonade Mouth

eLLe*

It's okay, I Die?

I've spoken about this before. But it's resurfaced. 

Idk how or where to start. I can't bring it up to her but I feel betrayed. The Bi identity is not an easy one to live with. If i even fit that. I thought her love for me meant that she accepted me. But even still she doesn't and she never did. I always felt like I wasn't going to be good enough for her. That she would be happier with someone who was completely gay. She insisted that she couldn't be happier with anyone else but me. and after discussing this book... i know she doesn't get it. which means she doesn't get me. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not gay enough. I don't fit the roles. My life hasn't been rough enough. my family didn't shun me. Like I had it too easy. and this is something I'm just trying out. I've never given someone all of me and to think that it wasn't good enough.

I don't know where I fit in, and I don't know where I belong. I hate feeling like I have to fucking prove myself to everyone. I'm not a heathen for seeing beauty in all sexes. I'm not greedy, i'm not glutenous! I'm  just me. I thought she knew me. I thought she knew my heart! 

She tells me "fuk em" until i call her out on it and tell her she was one of them and she said she still kind of is lol... there's nothing funny about it. There's nothing funny about any of it. What were we doing for two and a half years??? huh? I have best friends I didn't want another one. I don't even wanna know. 

But once again I was right. and once again you've made a fool of me and not only of me but what I had to offer. I don't offer it to anyone. 

God! please save me! I have no one to turn too.

Songs:
myself- linkin Park
Loners Lullaby (Take me to sleep)- Elyse
Outside the middle- Elyse


eLLe*

Sorry. I went there

I might just have to take it there. 

I'm sitting here trying to fool myself. and now the anger just came out. Everyone is right and i'm not all too sure of how to get to that point. I mean technically I have been doing what I needed to do, but I've also been talking to her via txt. What am I really looking to gain? I mean really? And the fact that I had to ask what should I do only solidifies that I'm looking for something else. I can only imagine what she's been doing. and I can only imagine that it would only tear me up more. I know she's still friends with Elena...( I just went there). And that shit like really? who were you trying to fool you idiot? Like the disrespect and lies??? She's not you're friend! I can actually name two other people who are not your friend. Keep your eye out! You got this BRO code: Bro's over Hoes... no matter how shady they are, they still come before your girl or ex. Who gave me a glance everytime you turned your back? who was trying to be loyal to me? hmmm. But if you can stab your boss in the back then I guess real went out the window with your dignity. And we thought ritz lost her mind. look at this and see what you want. But when everything is all said and done. I was nothing but loyal to you. I had your best interests in mind. I would never sell you out. I think I hurt you enough with the love I couldn't give you I don't think twisting the knife would make anything better. If you really want to do something you will. and you did. So don't play victim to yourself. you have more control over the shit you do, than the shit that others do. And I fall for it. Because I really do what to love you. and I want to make it all go away. I been slipping back into this comma of Bella... and ya know what I need to wake up. I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. As a matter of fact... you can't save anyone! I think the second anyone tries to save someone else they instantly lose themselves. The pressure becomes too much. It's a noble thing to do but we are not knights nor noble. and that's where we slipped up. Idk why we all gotta walk around thinking we are invincible? maybe because then we can feel like we're something more than just a number in the system. 

She's not over me... but she's dating somebody!? fuckin tell your story walking. Moments of solidification happen all to often for me. There are too many things that are light bulbing over me. 

So what now? how many more times do I need to relapse before I'm done. How much more insinuation needs to occur before I'm done to nothing.

There are still things that I think of that kind of bother me. Like the fact that my friends went out to meet with her that saturday night after my cookout. I did want her to talk some sense into her. But we can't always get what we want. And it still feels like she gets to have what she wants and I'm roughing it. She gets these cheat sheets and I'm not. No that doesn't work. If you want me. if you want to tell me something ask how I am. Then come to me. But I shouldn't be your major concern, Jen should be. Or Elena. and whoever else you're talking to. 

Idk I need loyalty, you've seen me at my worstest, and you went to meet up with her. you should have told her no. and the time I said I was here for you it wasn't really for you, I just thought i sent that to her not you, but you wouldn't have the guts to say that. I'm too upset with everything right now.

Everyone lets crumble to bella's feet huh? yea lets! 

Looks like I went there

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato
Canvas- Imogen Heap
unbroken- Demi Lovato

eLLe*

What does it all mean?

              Two Blogs in one day... Well I had to blog it to keep me from contacting her. I'd been speaking to her all dayish. Finding everything I could just so we'd have an excuse to talk. So what! if I was out at a demi lovato concert. Everytime The convo ends I slip into minor aches because I have no idea when i'll speak to her next. We left it in the air. The cool thing is she txt'd me. I was so excited that I had to remember to pull it back some. How, in this world this world we go from being so honest and pure about our emotions to being so idk, opposite. 

    As I walked from the Hammerstein Ballroom I passed a particular statue that I'd been passing the whole week before. I got comfortable with it from across the street but this time around I walked the same side... Sure did look a whole lot differenter (yea I said it) the closer I was. But I stared it down. and as I did it made me feel a certain way. Like I was scared. But of what? Scared of it? The same feeling passed over me days before when I saw the female statues over the macy's entrance on 34th street. and as i looked at the cluster of statues over grand central. The feeling of maybe i'd been there before. Took everything not to call my ex (and even now, i had wanted to put my girlfriend) because I thought she might have understood... That somehow, I thought I was that statue. Seemed so crazy but i thought she might have empathized with me. Maybe I wasn't scared of statues maybe it inadvertently bought me back to somewhere I'd been before. Four statues over the Macy's entrance and one stood out to me. They all looked the same but somehow that one made me feel like I was looking at myself or family I don't know. This harol square statue made me feel some type of way. It was very alarming. I walked the whole way back to grand central cold, and talking to myself planning out this blog, if you will. Looking straight ahead walking as if i were invisible. or as if everyone else was. I felt distant from the world. Gazing at every tree wondering what it would feel like being the tree. Sad thing is I already knew. Doing so much for everybody and yet taken for-granted. Provide shade, helping the environment, keep this planet livable (cant think of that word) and yet we cut them down. build a meaningless building. They feel so forgotten and yet they are so beatuiful. Most don't give a rats ass about no damn tree. heathens. 

   I came across an intersection staring straight ahead not noticing directly at anything or anyone just doing the motion. Cars flew by, cuz everyone in the city has some place to be right, and for a moment I thought what would happen if I took a step off the sidewalk. My eyes clouded up... One could only be so brave. I was hungry but I didn't feel the desire to open my mouth I was way too busy thinking about shit. I felt so closed off. I wanted to call her but in my head I hear, take it easy slick. If you tell her everything now what are you gonna tell her then. Relapsing! when am I going to talk to her again? Do I even want to talk to her again? well this time its gonna be up to you to contact her cuz she txtd you today. txt her now! no wait don't cuz if she doesnt answer it will send you in a  downward spiral. keep telling yourself she's talking to someone else. keep it moving! rebuilding from a relapse fall back into it everytime she reaches out. I want to reach out to her too. perhaps maybe to hold her. perhaps maybe I don't.  My friends said I was this like mysterious psychic last night. Kinda laughed it off, nah i'm just a really good guesser. But boy was I on a roll last night. whatever it was luck or powers, it sure came off that I had powers. Made me think of all the times I thought so much about a person and they called me. moments later. Me wanting something and shortly after I'd get it. or me "sending" myself to her when she had an overnight shift and she could feel me with her. Maybe I did or do have powers. Maybe statues have a lot more to offer me than i know. 

    I came up on grand central staring at the cluster of statues. and here it came again. Was I that statue looking down with a look on her face. Did I know what they were all talking about and what joyous occasion the sculptor was depicting. I felt like I should have been there. I kinda felt left out. WTF is that feeling? why do I feel like there is something I should know? Still trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out why did I end up at that lovato concert that I thought I wouldn't go to. It worked out so in my mind I was thinking somethings gonna happen and I will meet more career changing ppl. well that sure as hell didn't happen. I left feeling foolish for ever thinking that would happen, I mean a concert? really elyse?! c'mon now! everything has felt like i've been making career moves. They always turn out to be that way. and THIS time it wasn't! could it have been for.... ???? noooo??? no way??? well it certainly wasn't for me. my nose was soo buried in that book I missed the whole waiting time. before I knew it they were letting people inside. What did this happen for??? maybe it was for... ???

I need answers.

Songs:
Do you need someone- Beth Ditto
Canvas- Imogen Heap
Lothlorien- Enya

Eh?

 I woke up just now body feeling like Mush! bones jammed into a sack of skin! I'm soo tired! A new month and now its just feelings of entrapment. I remember I used to ask why most rock singers are usually submersed in water in their videos, I never understood it. Starting to feel like I know why now. I always thought it was so cliche. But now i find myself wanted to hold myself under as I find my will to live... or to cleanse my soul, self "baptism. Life is all to real right now and from all the excitement and hullaballoo. But yet I'm that girl in the corner of the club by herself... AWKWARD! Rather read a book and shut the world out! I definitely did that last night... WOW. Displacement. Can somebody please tell me when my stop is? the city is full of wonderment and look closer more filled with lost souls I was one of them. I've been getting crazy deju vu recently, it reassures me. But when I turn over all I see are pillows, strategically placed to hold me, every "curve". I need a hug. I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm that fucking outsider. coaching myself outside of club to get it together, change your aura you're scaring all the girls away, soften up! have a drink or 5. Do something! you're ruining my life, woman... and the reply is "I don't want to. Eyor, sucks to meet you."... Replies get shorter and colder. and now you're not even worth my eye contact.... Move away from me civilians. Saved by the best friend, I can now act like no one else matters. well they didn't. Pull out the book. I'm in my own world. Wake up and i'm in my bed. too faded to answer my mom when she speaks. I'm spent. onward into the city I'll go. to be alone. hoping demi will find me with her words and save me with her Scrapskyer. and I'll probably be a mess leaking all types of body fluids out my face. and I'll snap back to reality and remember nobody will be there to share a moment like this. "coraline, theme music will play, alone" to be exact... ugh...
  
       I slip in and out of anger when I think about her. or when i think about how I reached out to her. I'm such an idiot. I'm pursuing her why? I'm YET AGAIN putting myself out there WHY? I'm thinking about how she's feeling more than I care about myself... WHY? you zdumb Biatch! I can be so fuuuckin stupid! no its okay go keep setting yourself up for failure, no its cool, i'll wait. when I go back to dealing with this beautiful head case I call... "Myself". You're the biggest idiot. yea I know kinda can't really help it. This is soo dumb.
       "I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this, I hope it brings you bliss, I really hope you get it, and you don't live to regret it! I hope you're happy in the end! I hope you're happy... my. "freind" "-wicked

Songs:
Everybody But me- Lykke Li
Alone- Coraline Soundtrack
Myself- Linkin Park
Krwlng-Linkin Park
Back to Black- Amy Winehouse
Defying Gravity- Wicked Soundtrack


eLLe*