Untag.

          I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic these blogs are. Somehow typing has become easier than writing. I think it's because I can't spell and the computer corrects me. I used to have a notebook for everything. From time to time I find journal entries on loose leaf. The greatest reward is looking at them now, years later and just think wow... and I'll definitely do this with these blogs.

           Um I'm feeling extra crazy right now. It feels like the words that people say to me are tagged. and when triggered it instantly brings me to a "link" or memory of a time when I hurt. Certain words or phrases I cringe to say, I cringe to hear because in a split second I'm reliving those instances in technicolor. And when it's all over I'm just back in these four walls. Then a snowball effect occurs to which I'm remembering child hood. I come out feeling defeated. If anyone wants to my secret of how I can eat so much and stay so thin? I'm a runner. I have terrible knees but I'm alway running through moments in my head. I exhaust every memory, beat it like it stole something. I run myself ragged... I hate tagged words. Then I hear the lyric in my head "I want to stay in love with my sorrow, ooh but God I want to let it go". It's exactly how I feel but that's a tag on it's own. 

       I remember a time when listened to the whole first album of Evanescence on repeat. The only time I wouldn't listen to it was if I were at practice or a game. any chance I could I would listen to it. Because it was the only thing that could calm me down. When everyone was socializing and happy because WP won the game I'd rush back on the bus just so I could listen to it. It described everything I felt... "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" She had to be singing to me, for a while I was beginning to believe I was. and Imaginary was my theme. I lived inside myself because there I was loved, there I was myself. Nobody was ever allowed in. My secret place. I just remember being so wrapped up in the orchestra and choir and classical influences. The depth and emotion in each song. The layers! Made me wish that I 'd kept up with the violin. And happy as hell that I was in a kick ass choir. Classical music is so captivating.  Sometimes I forget to breathe. Anyway that CD meant everything to me. My aunt knew me well. she knew I'd eat that CD up. yea she never got that back hahaha. It sucks because I can't even listen to them anymore. like I said they're tagged. I can't listen to her without feeling nauseous. She loved them way more than I did. there's no way I can listen to them. I gave them up. They're tagged to a memory. I'm still deeply connected. I wish I wasn't. I haven't quite figured out how to untag memories. Facebook makes it seem so damn easy. 

          I'm in such a funk. Such a mood... blugh 

eLLe*