I'm gonna go right ahead and say that after years and years of disappointment, of my dad and ex "best friends", You wont be another one. I am really fed up with being disappointed with humans. You've served your purpose, however short that was, but I believe that if I hang around any longer, I'm going to continue to look stupid. So let's hand in the uniform and call it quits. I wont argue for your spot in my life. you're not significant enough. I secretly wanted you to be. But you just wanted me to be a secret. and let me tell you, love... I'm NOBODY'S secret. I don't hate you, I wont curse you. And I'm definitely not going to argue. I just don't do friendship with people I slept with. My FRIENDS are not people that write on my facebook wall. My Friends are not people that I meet and then instantly we're inseparable. My Friends ARE the people I hold meaningful conversation with, hang out with them with out having it be this big to do. And most importantly my FRIENDS have seen me at my worst, soggy faced, runny make-up on the floor in shambles, at my lowest low. They have received txt messages from me because we all knew I couldn't txt my ex, but it needed to be let out of my system. So excuse me if I sound too harsh, but you're not doing anything significant in my life but causing indigestion...
More things have happened to me than I don't know what... the end of 2011 really took me for a ride. I've been having these "what the fuck is my life right now" moments all too often. And only recently my dreams are going back to the randomocity that are my thoughts, rather than these subliminal dreams with messages from the great beyond. it sometimes feels like I'm in a drunken stupor. Like WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! all too often I'm overwhelmed. I hold on to the moments that I can laugh so hard I cry because in those moments I, at least, can cry of happiness. Or well it can be masked by happiness but I know the truth. Tonight I tell you was one of those nights. Those baby steps that you start to take, start to add up until you stop long enough to look around you and think "damn I did all that" and all you can do is just cry. Mainly because shit is just not the same. Cuz you're angry. Cuz you're not angry. Cuz you're secretly happier and in a better spot in your life. or cuz you're not. who the fuck knows but you find yourself walking through grand central alone ,with a furry animal hat on, after being surrounded by a bunch of people that care for you, only to feel confused with all this pent up emotion which was probably everyone else's emotion that you soaked in and you don't know what to do with it, until you're left with your own. In one instance you want a special person in your life to give all your energy to, to make you feel complete. to say. I love you, schnuckums! to gaze happily into their eyes and feel so secure in their arms. and know that nothing else matters. And then snapping back to reality and understanding you just like the idea of love. and because you watch all these disney shows and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" you've somehow equated life to a sitcom. and the truth of the matter is that the only person that needs to come first is you. Six months out of a relationship is good but you have a lot to go. you're not nearly as sane as you think you are. and anyone that comes close to you past flirtation is gonna get beat over the head with a louisville slugger. preferably metal. And lets be honest, I can't even look back on everything that happened without feeling the anger and rage pulse through my veins until i get tunnel vision. I feel like the incredible hulk when I talk about this chick. I've never had such anger and hatred for a person in such a LONG time. So much so that I never ever wanna randomly bump into this person on the street. That's how I know I'm not okay. I can usually recover easily... retract. I lied I never could. I was just always distracted and convinced myself that I was good. when the truth is i never did sift through what I did wrong or right, in depth. I just don't want to do something or say something I don't mean all because I have all this pent up emotion. I'm trying to be careful but like for realz tho. Then I'm always reminded that, that wasn't a good idea after when I feel all gross and despicable. I guess I wont truly be happy until I find myself on stage impacting the world. But in this industry the progress is so small you can hardly tell if you're actually moving, and I'll be damned if i find out that i'm moving but a little backwards. I've got a mind that races a mile a minute. I want to be everything, do everything please everyone. Mean something to everyone that I came in contact with... The sad part is, that even if I did I would never believe you.
Current Song(s)
Portishead Albums
eLLe*
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