24

   24... TWENTY FOUR... Veinticuatro. an insignificant number on a scale of 1-100. yet in my life its the magic number. 22 years of building and perfecting a wall so foolproof not even an iceberg could break it. 23 that iceberg cracks it. and 24 my foolproof wall is fucking breaking and even the slightest spec of dust can demolish it. How is it that the wall that took me forever to build can break instantly. I MEAN SHIT! am i secretly IN angry birds! because the strategies are eating at me and hell do I feel defeated. All twenty something rounds completed. I sat in a room tonight full of artists, "angry" "bitter" artists that were soo sure of themselves and knew what they wanted, and felt the way they felt with no apologies. They weren't angry aimlessly, no definitely not. Somehow it felt like their target was me. not maliciously. But there were messages tonight and I was supposed to hear it. Every one hitting harder than the one before until the feature poet got up and I couldn't hold it. Tears flew out of my eyes and I knew there was no turning back once my shoulders wound up. It really didn't matter that I was in public. Their words were all too real. The excitement mixed up in a frenzy. No one else was crying but I was the idiot crying. I surely forgot how much I missed poetry, good poetry, spoken word. It always makes me uncomfortable with myself then places me in front of a mirror, or 10, and forces me not to hide.  Ya'll, I tell you. I'm soo fucking exposed right now. I have no wall. I'm trying hard as hell, scrambling for some type of sturdy material but its just not coming together. What the fuck is happening. I'm feeling everything all at once. every joy, every insecurity, every peer pressure, every "me" pressure. I got so numb crying over disappointment as a kid, I never really cried again. I'd shed a tear. maybe pour some liquor out for my peeps, idk. But instead of tears, I replaced it with displacement and anger. Anything in my path got destroyed. I was the fucking phenix. I gotta say I don't know if what i'm saying makes any sense. But I'm overwhelmed. Everything is changing soo quickly and I'm fucking scared. I'm freaking out! I'm panicking. Because she's not there to calm me down, or hold my hand as I take such small monumental steps. I see why people turn to drugs. it's too hard to deal with alone. There's just me... Just me. friends can only carry you home. but they can't like... idk, i don't know. I'm doing all of this alone. Nobody can fight the demons in my head. when my feelings are high they're fucking high when they're low, they're the pits and when it's quiet it's uncomfortable. All I have is myself. and we're usually in a fight so really where does that leave me. Everything is ON there's no off switch. I know what I want. I don't think I know what I want... I went up to the poet after she got off stage and came apart in her arms. I'm not sure she knew exactly what the alls is goings on, but she didn't care. and she told me, with the most confidence, I'm going to breakthrough. I will have a breakthrough. She doesn't realize it but she is a big influence in my life now. 24 its like where have I been, this whole time. The fact of the matter is that I've been so sheltered. My mom did her very best to make sure I didn't grow up faster than I had to. My mom is the fucking man! But at 24 there's only so much sheltering she's gonna do, be willing to do. and only so much I can let her do. So the words I said to my first ex as we broke up, "I need to know that I can do it on my own",  didn't quite happen when we broke up but I guess I'm figuring it out now... I don't think I'm ready to lock in that answer...

Current song:
med sma Skridt(med Maya Albana)- Mike Sheridan

*eLLe