Good morning Friday!!! How art thou on this windy day? So I had a special conversation with a coworker yesterday. So not on purpose and not special to her but completely special to me, I I'll share it on my online public diary. I digress, I noticed she was filling out something and kind of stuck with it. It was for church, kind of like a prayer questionnaire. and at the end everyone in the congregation would hand them in and it would be prayed on. I guess she felt that she needed to have a clear cut answer and honestly answering "I don't know" was not good enough. On the other hand I did, especially if that's truly how she felt. The questions they asked I felt like were a bit of a trick because there really is no set answer to them. I think it was the way that the questions were asked that I felt like It was a bit unfair. No one should really know where they are going. Or knows the person they are becoming. Because well, like we've heard time and time again, it's about the journey. and well most of us are still on that journey. Maybe it would have been nicer if it said, who do you think you are? who would you like to become? or where do you see yourself going? Sometimes we think we're on that path and WE'RE NOT! and that's when we need the prayer!
I felt myself getting really philosophical when trying to help her answer these questions. Let her know it's okay to say I don't know where I'm going? unless it's like I'm going to south africa on a missionary trip. God wants to help those who are pure and honest. If you are serious and honest with yourself then an answer that is "I don't know" will do just fine. I also wanted her to know that it will work regardless you don't need a questionnaire for prayer to work... I'm just gonna stop there... I can feel myself really getting into it, yet again. Point is I lost her on that one. But I was so surprised that I felt the way I did. or feel the way I do. I'll usually stop myself all the time because my head gets in the way and the skepticism prevails and it sucks ya know...
It just got me to think about a lot of things one of them being a dream that I had on the first night I decided to call it quits...
THE DREAM: We were sleeping (up in albany, where we lived). And the door opens, and I scoot to the end of the bed to see what the alls is going on. but there was "no one" there. When all of a sudden I feel the ambush of demons in my face. I couldn't directly see them, but I felt them in my face or when they sat on me. and I'm taking them on. They flung me up against the head board and held me down. and out of no where I start to recite the prayer of ST. Michael. (I don't know that prayer, in waking day. B knows it and I've heard it. But I don't know it) The door would close and they'd flee. Every time they came back they came back stronger, the door would open and I'd be there waiting. reciting this prayer louder and louder. all the while I'd look over and she was on her phone txting, not helping me at all. not even noticing. I think once she said something in the beginning like it's nothing, or no you got this. Something with no support at all. And I couldn't believe it. I recited the prayer one more time and they left. END DREAM
That night I remember squeezing her arm. my body felt like I had rigor mortis. I was exhausted and I couldn't move when she woke up she was very concerned and asked what was wrong. I don't remember what I said to her but she put her arms around me and I fell asleep. The next morning she said that I told her the dream must have been nothing and probably how I was feeling about the breakup. I didn't remember saying that. I don't know if that was her manipulation, now that I think about it, or if that's what I really said. non the less I think about it now and I'm like was this a foreshadowing of now? and even still that in that dream I took them on. I knew enough to ask for ST. Michael. My faith was never as strong as hers. and as I turned into a monster, as I woke up to hauntings, I always wished that I could have what she has. I had no faith. Her light shined so bright and I never thought mine could ever be as bright. So I put it out. I let things stand in my path so I have a reason to run.
And when I think back on that dream I think a couple things, she did not even dare to help. and when it came time, I was more ready and willing to fight than I thought, I was scared but I knew who had my back on instinct. I am a fighter. And my light is bright. I let people and myself turn me into something I knew I was better than. I focused on bullshit that didn't matter. and I'm starting to see that ya know. She wasn't mine. I wasn't hers. And I'm stronger than I thought. I believe more than I think I do. My heart knows where it wants to be. and I have to remember that. I don't follow the laws of gravity, I defy them! I don't start commotion, I am one! and even in my fantasies of suicide. my lowest low, trips on hydrolics. I'm. not. that. girl!
eLLe*
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