Allow myself to be happy? That's a hard concept for me. Mainly because when I am, some way or another the my feet get pulled from under me and I fall and chip a tooth... Chip a tooth? really? All of that? Well okay not ALL of that but yea you get the idea. Bottom line is it hurts and I'd rather not get up again. My manager to told me today you have to allow yourself to be happy. and well I can't really fight it. "What in the sam hell are you talking about?!" okay here we go...
... I had sporadic moment of Pleasantocity. Where all the small realizations mattered. It wasn't grand scale at all. It was, well Pleasant. and pleasant is like more than enough. It was everything I could want out of an evening, Jamming to music, laughing, youtube browsing. Just straight up relaxing without any added pressure to take it anywhere or be anything other than ourselves. Once I could get away from my awkwardness I was fine. Like, all I really ever want to do is movie night's with me and somebody and not have it be like this big to do. But apparently saying hey you wanna watch a movie with me just you and me is code for I'm hitting on you and would like to make a move. It's hard to find people that just want to bum around with you and that's it, no sex involved just good company.
I wish I could say that's it. I'm trying not to like this guy at all. I don't see him, I hardly even talk to him. So I can't possibly like him. I sat fighting myself all morning, yelling at myself like no you don't like this guy stop. yet somehow I got into work and without anything extra my coworkers are like you're glowing... ME??!!!??! GLOWW????!!!! no way! I have no idea what you are even talking about ppffff! I was smiling without doing it physically! I was listening to Killswitch Engage and 36 Crazyfists all day. I bought some of the songs that he played for me. Repeat all day everyday. I killed the black lipstick today, I was in a zone. and I don't wanna be because I know myself, I'm gonna ruin it, ya know. When I spoke to my manager, told her everything and she's like, first and foremost you have to allow yourself to just be happy, if you're happy be happy. see the moment for what is it and then just roll with it. She's soo totally right. It's a hard concept for me... BE HAPPY??? huh??? because when I get happy its really really OD and I don't want to show that. It can be really much. and you can bet there will be a hard crash. Maybe I can change that? Like You know she was probably telling me, don't think to hard about it. and send that positive energy.
Let it, well, BE! nothing catastrophic happened. and I really don't talk to him. I'm a mess. my stomach is flipping. I need to calm down. just take it for what it is... It's kinda hard to do when my coworkers and best friend are like um he's perfect! I know this!!!! But it's too early to tell. Yet somehow it seems like they know something I don't. Right now I just will except him as a really neat guy to hang with, so not contrived.
I love the small things. cuz they're really not small they're perfect and grand to me. I can sit and gush about it but I kinda wanna just keep it too myself cuz it's really valuable to me and it's one of those things that it's like you (A) have to know me and (B) you had to be there :)
Current Songs:
The Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage
The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage
Waiting on a War- 36 Crazyfists
The Tide and It's Takers- 36 Crazyfists
Moonlight Sonata- Beethoven
eLLe*
No comments:
Post a Comment