Well the thing is, right now, I'm just super proud of how much I've ground. I'm really proud of the strength I could show, the patience I had/well have. I could still go for more but I have to be honest. I can't give him anything more until he starts giving to himself. He has to want to fix his own issues. If he can't do that, I can't be around. The way he thinks he's fixing them is by ignoring them. I know he needs time to himself he's just worried that if I go I will be gone! and if I stay, it's gonna end badly as well, he don't wanna waste my time. I'm a little more shocked if nothing else. My disappointment comes more from internal shit. And that's all stuff I can get over because I'm used to being villain. I used to people forming conclusions that are usually wrong. There's no use in arguing and sending that energy that can be sent somewhere else. It's disappointing but TODAY I'm okay with it because it's my journey and it's what I chose for myself. He's an amazing person with a lot of searching to do. I wouldn't mind helping him search but I need to see that he's already started. I think the space he needs to go into his straight selfish mode. He needs to man up face the facts regardless of what people think because people are always going to think something so be honest. Just be honest, and start with yourself.
This is going to be tough.. it doesn't help that the holidays are here but I need to be smart about this. If he doesn't fix his issues and doesn't want to confront them and tucks them aside like nothing is happening then what he becomes when he's drunk will be worse. I got a taste of it and I don't want to be on the other end of his aggression wondering whats gonna happen next and if he'll remember it the next day. He won't take the time to rest and give back to himself. I will make him by taking myself out of the equation. I don't want to be a punching bag, I want to help but not in that way. That's the road he's headed because he won't acknowledge that he's stressed out, that his family stresses him out. That he feels like he's in over his head, that he is his father, that he is his mother. He's working harder and harder, more and more to compensate for something. He needs to recognize. Until he fully comes face to face and wants to confront it, I won't be useful. Making him laugh, talking politics, suggesting vacations or fun dates does won't do shit. He was there for me through my tough times and all I want to do is give that back. I shouldn't make excuses for his behavior the other. What happens when he actually hits me. Cuz he was coming close to it. I love that man something fierce and all I wanted to do was be happily ever after and work hard for my shit. It could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't. But it's time to be smart about this.
{[Finding]} Elysium
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