Yeaup I kinda didn't want that to happen. I'm trying so hard to look forward I've got my hand up so I don't look at the peripherals but its inevitable. Nope nope I can't look into his direction. Okay really though who am I kidding I've thought about it. But I really thought I was over it. Now peach has me questioning it again. He's my bohemian rhapsody, I love him so much. I'm such a softy when it comes to him. But he's really just a friend. I can't go down that route. But he is beauty personified. He's devastating. Perfection in every way and yet so totally not my type. Peach nearly fell out when I showed her what he looked like. Believe me, I flutter everytime I see him. Dammit everyone does! But I don't think we're for each other. He holds my hand and I don't know how to interpret it. We went to our sister restaurant and he got extremely PDA with me and I actually was uncomfortable. Because around that time everyone was making mention of the fact that we're "always" together. He's really just my friend. I love him so much but I will not cross that line. I think because I love him so much. He's amazing, but the second I think about him as more than that I get jealous. He can't be tamed. And I don't want to do that. We all think he's beautiful. But it's just a bad idea. I'm just in a very needy and affectionate place. Ugh idk. But I ain't going there!!! Nope I refuse. It fux everything up.
But I'm happy I could even talk to peach about him and other passer by's. I've really missed her. She like raised me!!! I lost her for a few years and honestly that shit hurt. I wanted to share her with the world. I wanted ppl to see her the way I did growing up. We drifted so far apart. I was going through it and so was she and she still kind of is but she's in a better place. To be around someone that knows me to a T is comforting, we laughed about everything I didn't want to leave. I felt like I got my peach back. She tunes me in to myself. It was what I needed, that, and also i don't know when I'm gonna be able to get back to see her and if she'll still be in that house.
I feel like I let my grandma go yet somehow the idea of not having that house grinds me. My mom made her peace with it. But I have not. I'm gonna be so sick when the house is gone. It's just not right. Yet the house has so much debt it's not worth keeping and peach doesn't have the money to keep it. It really sux and I have to get over it. I'm just not the best with getting over things. And suddenly I'm remembering everything and I don't want to. The house is the last thing too her and soon that will be gone. I can't think about it. I won't think about it. There's no point. Thinks is how I comfort myself. By saying "suck it up. These are the breaks..." Noooo. Nooooooo. Be strong, elle. This too shall pass.
*Elyse
Current song(s):
This used to be my playground- Madonna
Playground love-Air
I need some sleep- the eels
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