5 AM

   Fucking 5 am and here I am, still awake. I was so sure I'd be sleep by now but instead I'm up crying like a pansy watching "The Other Sister". Really elle? Just ridiculous. I never wanna cry and then I find myself in the middle of the water works and at that point I'm just like Fuck it! I mean that movie was so well cast and thuroughly done. Ugh just amazing... Am I gonna go to bed? The movie is over. Nope. I'm gonna keep up with Diane Keaton and "First wives club" it up! I only wish I had the family stone on DVD because of coarse netflix doesn't want to have anything I'd like to watch.
   Whatever the fuck, it's 5 am and I'm just up. I know exactly when I'm gonna go to bed. That's the part that kills. Only to indulge in another week of faux smiles and nauseating small talk. Hold your fcuking tongue elle!!!  

Be silent, be still.

Elyse you're so restless, you wonder through fields of holly, hoping to walk the streets of gold.  Just wait. 

In shadows, I hide my deepest memory. In darkness, I hide in plain sight. In present, I seek to rectify my past... And the future never comes to light.

Elysium

Current song(s):
The world can be yours- Telepopmusik 

Top shelf

     What the shit! He started confessing!!! Wait what?!! NONONO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!
I'm really trying to figure out what a sex life is... Yea I know... 26 and I'm still not sure of how to casually sex. (It's a good problem, I'm pretty okay with that) anywhoo! Hooking up? What is that how do we do that? Who do you do that with? Am I allowed to just have someone in my bed but like don't touch me?! I've heard stories but how do I make this work for me ya know.
    In an effort to figure this out, I figure okay you gotta be heartless ya know, we don't love them hoes! I'm all pretty woman with that shit, I'm like "nah I don't kiss on the mouth, shits too personal B, I ain't bout that life. Idk how people can have sex and not get attached so I'm not looking you in the eye and I'd rather not kiss you the way I would with someone I like. Unless I'm trying to steal your soul,  play with my victims before I destroy them. Nah but seriously, did you know that if a shark gets flipped on it's back, it goes into a coma like state? Well whales know that and that's how they defeat the shark and EAT them! Yea. Crazy shit. Random snapple fact. Don't look into my eyes. I get got son. That's my kryptonite. Where was I? Oh right, so these are things I don't do. If this is potentially just gonna be sex then nah none of that. I've also thought up sales pitches like: hey my hip flexers really need to be opened up, I'm working on flexibility for dance and my hip flexers suck! Care to help? I mean really no one is turning this down haha but instead dude hits me with some I need to be available emotionally. Errrrr????? Excuse me? Nope. He thought I was playing him by starting and then being like uh no... Yes I like to be in control, but I'm also postive that I like the thought of sex more then doing it. And I haven't been with someone intimately in a little over a year or so, so yes I shut shit down quick! Pineapples! He says it pays to be emotionally available and I'm like no! Backspace delete! I'm ever so sure I'm never gonna romp around with again after that. I started feeling wierd and awkward and exposed... And then...
     ...We meet again friendly rompage commencing, he starts asking follow up questions to our heart to heart last time and I'm just thinking like nope! I don't allow people in my space stop trying to ask me why you're different as if to soften me up. Not gonna happen. So you're thinking elyse he likes you. No he doesn't, he's like me, has to be in control. He wants me to confess and to gush and I'm like meh, I suppose. He even brought up how wierd we are and how surface our "relationship" is and I'm like yea that's where it's gonna stay. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he's sewing his royal oats, he plays with his food but never eats it. He told me that in our first convo. I don't forget!
       There he is the next morning. Confessing. His insecurities. Wait what?!!! Nooo don't do that. What are these mind games. And why are you telling me this? You were soooooo confident before and then he just blurts it out. Ummmm. I'm flattered? I'm confused. Why are you telling me this and where did that come from? I'm not letting you in though. So tell your story walking. I'm so not interested in giving emotionally. And especially to someone who will be careless with it. The last thing you want is for me to be emotionally available. It's like Pandora's box. And really. Ain't NOBODY got time for that! I could see if this was going somewhere but we both no it's not. Yea sure let me add my name to your list! NOT get outta here... If the first thing you tell me is you don't want a girlfriend the whole operation is shut down. Now you're asking me to be more accessible to you by making it seem like it's gonna benefit me??? Hahaha bye Felicia! My liquor's top shelf.

*elyse

Current song(s):
     

Me vs. Myself

     I get that itch. But I can't scratch. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.  You tell yourself "okay this will be the last time, I promise it's not gonna bother me. I just need to get it out of my system." Yea it's out of your system when you don't find something that will destroy you. But you almost hope to find it. So every time becomes the "last time" but it never is. Unless you really buckle down. It's gonna bother you, and yet another night of tear soaked pillows and screaming headaches, you can't unsee things, and you wonder "why did I do that? I'm never doing that again!" Then you go on a "fuck the world" spree for about a week or so. And there goes that fucking Itch!!! You almost start to fall in love with your pain. And then I start to have these outter body experiences where I find myself asking "but who is she?" Literally. I can't place her face I can't place who she is or was she to me. And as I start to release the balloons into the sky, sheer panic crosses over and I'm grasping all the balloons that haven't gotten away yet. The awesome part is, these moments happen more and more... I have fewer balloons! Feeding my itch would only be giving me new balloons. It's pathetic absolutely. At this point it's not a matter of does she think of me. It's all about me. Hahaha... I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time accepting the things I can't change. I have a hard time forgiving. I can't heel. In an effort to figure out how to deal with those things, right now I'm gambling almost everything; Jobs, emotions, friends and family, activities, even home, I'm putting stability on the line. I have a hard time with uncertainty, with change, with the unknown. I'm throwing everything to the wind, slowly burning bridges without the other bridges completely built. Pissing people off,while writing others off. For about 5 minutes I seem to care, and then I'm like eh whatever happens next is gonna happen next. I can't say I completely don't care but I do understand that my actions have consequences. So let's ruffle feathers and push buttons. I'm young and I'm cookie cutter. My 20s are almost over, let's have fun and have some close calls. It's like I'm playing CHICKEN! So, I'm kinda putting myself in a hole, kind of still digging it and now I'm like "get yourself out! You got yourself here, push through. you're emotions are displaced, figure out the source and attack that. Remember your strengths cuz you have a lot... " and suddenly all those fears turn into amo. And I come out like Rambo! I just get distracted. The past is always there to remind me of how I have failed. I don't like to lose! But sometimes you have to lose to get something better. We're pushing forward, we gotta lose... Right? I don't fucking now. There's that DAMN uncertainty. You can't always be in control. Ugh. I've just decided I'm totally over talking about it. This whole thing.
        I just needed to vent to hopefully distract me. That worked until it didn't and now I'm just gonna put myself to bed. Full days ahead, yay for keeping busy!!!

*elysium

Hayling- FC Kahuna
I remember- kaskade

I just wanna be a woman.

    Dude walks past the host stand and asks where my old coworker is... "He doesn't work here anymore but he is ... Etc" he replies "oh okay" and walks out. There's a flirtation banter that transpires but of course I don't make it out to be anything but playful. Sure he's got great teeth, dimples, dark hair and scruff but in my head it's only "yea keep it moving". In fact when he came back he said "yea you're definitely not "Joe Schmo" you're prettier and I'd never forget a pretty face". And I told him to take himself downstairs. More friendly banter. But again that's what people do they flirt. And well every industry I seem to be in schmoozes like it's nobody's business. So how dare I fall for it. You're cute but BYE... Anywho as he bumps into security on the stairs and is chatting it up, he takes off his jacket (wait for it...) a sleeve of tattoos. Waitttt did I really just cave in for fcuking tattoos?!!! Maybe... Well I must have because he leaves for the last time he shakes my hand says I'll see a lot more of him. And I'll get to know him. Here's the part where I sell out... (Wait for it...) he kisses my hand. Not once not twice but THREE times!!!! I have A HUGE problem with hand kisses, I've bugged out on people for kissing my hand. Only a select few get in close enough to kiss my hand. It skeeves me out! It's the pits! But I let him do it. And then he's like I hope your boyfriend doesn't get mad and kick my ass. And I'm like I hope your girlfriend doesn't get mad. He's single. And makes sure to tell me how good he'd treat me... (End scene)
     Really Elle? For some tattoos??! I love a man with sleeves. It shows they have swag. Not everyone would do that. There is a level of badassery that gets me. Great teeth smile dimples. I just need to check his eyes again. I'm not sure if they were right. I'm questioning it. I've learned you gotta check the eyes. Eyes tell you everything. If a persons eyes aren't right. There's something wrong. You may wanna go in the opposite direction. So if I see him again, I'll check.
      And then of course this gets me to thinking. When I'm around men up here, I don't question my body. I don't feel this need to pick myself apart because I don't have the solid abs I see in pictures, Or that you feel like you need to have in in order to be considered hot in the gay scene I've been in.  I feel like a solid beautiful girl, like the one that I see when I prance around in my skivvies in my house.
   Now that is also what I dig about Bosstown is that the women here are solid, sturdy. It's not to say that there are not skinny girls here but to see the fierce beauties that come in to my job, They've got meat on their bones and they are praised for it. You know as a kid I always wanted to be a woman. A woman was a being with curves, confidence and charisma. She's poised bold and beautiful. She knows her body and what makes her beautiful. She wears her age. It doesn't wear her. She's a fierce competitor. She's Claire Huxtable, Catherine zeta Jones, Miranda Priestly, Michelle Obama, Debbie Allen, Bette Midler etc you get the point. There's a level of kickassithness they hold. They're not girlie but they are feminine, smart and strong. As a kid that's something I've always wanted. And you don't see it much anymore. I get a glimpse of it with some of the women that come to my job and I love it. Also the men here are not tiny. They're hefty, they've got hands that look like they build with them. Even the chefs have butchers hands. They have  this great stature, confidence and humble all at once. Those men want women, the  women that have curves and work them curves. And of course there I am  really wanting to jump in.  I really do like this vibe I get,  it all feels so new again. My wheels are turning and I'm cautious but I'm excited.  But yet for some reason  there is this tatted  goddess that I just can't seem to put  out of my mind. She came in like a wrecking ball, so intense! So Whoever enters my court next, needs to be of her caliber if not better.  She spoiled me with one encounter, I'm ruined hahaha.

*Elyse

Current song (s):
Glory Box- Portishead

If I may

        There's a certain cathartism that transcends when You can finally look at a face and not recognize it. Loosing relevance. There's no part that gets angry. Almost curious.  May I? ... Obsessed. As if you were watching a reality show and watching the train wreck. The damsel in distress. The victim. The invincible that comes to save the day... And she will be loved, she will be loved. And there will be a new found glory. Because you never knew love like this before.  You're hollow. Vacant. Frost bit.  Under a guise of misunderstood. The underdog. One of her wonders hidden in plain site. You're not a jumping mouse, you're a rat. How does this chapter end. I'm kind of interested in knowing. But I have a feeling I know how it will end. Hey Disney throws curve balls, so why not. I spy with my watchful eye. An emotional salve. It's nice. Right.It feels good. It's safe. not as confident as you preach?Hey babe take a walk on the wild side. It will get old. Manipulation and turmoil run through your veins. You don't want a change. It's too fun. can't change the channel just yet. It's all kinda fun. Learning  from watching others. It's almost like "life: what not to do... For dummies"

"What a tangled web we weave, when at first we practice to deceive."



*Elysium

Current Song (s):

Allora

       And then sometimes, you have moments when you shut everyone out because you don't feel like you can trust anyone. And there I was having that "come to Jesus" moment that everyone has had a long time ago...You just can't tell everyone everything. Another life lesson that seems to hurt just as much as "you can't control what others do or say, you can only control how you chose to react to them" idk some shit. Anyway, the shit hurts, and if it could not be spelled any clearer before, it's spelled in "times new roman" size 22 floating in the air. As if it was a lucky charms commercial and I'm following all the letters like charms through the Forrest until I get to the bowl. Only it's not a magical eat, no. It's me having to eat the realization that "you can't trust everyone and some of those people are the ones closest to you". Gosh can I douse this with domino please!
       "She's just jealous!" I'd really rather not ever spew those words as an option for the solution. It's rather trivial. And as I remember, I'm the center of my world not everyone else's. Internalizing people's personality traits as an attack against me will just make me paranoid and weak. People are who they are, although we wish them not to be sometimes, they're gonna have those issues before you, during you, after you. I'm just the idiot that will always feel guilty for your short comings and stifle myself to make you feel better. HOWEVER, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get it twisted. I am recording everything you say and do. So I'm gonna let you throw shit back in my face because "that's right, you were just joking" but when it's over it's over. There's no need to tell you about yourself, because you already know. My last word is not always in my sound but in lack there of.

Current Song (s):
Maybe your right- Miley Cyrus
1940- The submarines

Let's do this thing!

     I sat on pins and needles all day. The closer it came to show time, the more I wanted to back out. I was exhausted my voice seemed to have too much rasp if that's really a problem... Well it can be for a rookie like me. My chords were equally exhausted. Then I start to think: you should not have had that Mac and cheese and meatloaf... You know better! As the buzz started forming around work I was ready to call it quits. On top of which, I had no idea as to what time I was actually going on. Will they like it? Will I hit the high notes? What if! What if! WHAT IF! I just wanted a hug and someone to be proud of me. Knowing that wasn't an option I needed to push through. Waiting for that faithful moment, gulping water like it is nobody's business, "Amber light" shows up. Easing those nerves I was still anxious
      "We're gonna welcome Elyse to the stage!" It's show time! This is my home. I have to be good... The notes flew out and I surprised myself. Where did this come from?!? Not going to question it I'm gonna go with it. All those nerves carried me!! It was like the time I sang for a fashion show a friend was putting on and my voice just took off. Nobody had a clue my voice would do what it did! And that is; hit every high note ever! Anyway, I did that! I got on stage and felt alive. I really didn't want to end it! It was everything. I really need to do it again maybe with more people in the building! The takingoverization is happening! Everyone loved it and well so did "Amber light" in fact I gave her goosebumps.
    I'm not going to lie, having her there and sharing this with her felt really nice. Coming off the stage and going right to her made it feel really complete. I do really like her. But I can't be sure if I like her because it's been awhile or if she's it. I hold out for a girl that's so out of reach. I really shouldn't hold my breath, there's no way she's coming back to this city. If we're going to happen, may it happen organically with us , and by us I really mean me.
    Ugh I'm getting away from the point. The point is I killed it! And I got what I wanted and that was to have "amber lights" there. There really is a certain feeling of security that I get when I'm performing for a crowd and I can have that ONE person that is actually there for me and thinks I'm the world because they've seen all sides of me. I had that last night, I felt it. And dare I say it but I may have seen it! She looked at me in a way, I've never seen. Okay I've totally seen it from Ly, subtly. I can deny it all I want but I know when she looks at me she's like wow. But We're gonna see where this goes. I want everything to be organic, I wont ruin shit with my what ifs! Anyway! I want to be back on that stage. Everything else will happen when it does. But somebody please get me back on the stage! I want nothing else. Okay that is a lie. I want everything. But I need this here stage! It won't be the last time! I'm soo sure of it! Takingoverization commence!

*Elysium

Current song (s):
Do my thang: Miley Cyrus