Risk it

       So I spent all day today trying to figure out how do I put myself out there on the market. There's this girl that I think is attractive and I would love to just get to know her but the truth is I'm most likely NOT her type. Truth is I don't feel like I'm anyone's type. I scare people with my in your face aura. Meanwhile if they ever got the chance to know me, they'd build a nest in hopes I'd let them stay. My road block is she met me as the GoGo dancer, which doesn't usually rub people the right way. I'd be viewed as that girl you'd want to sleep with. "oh man, she's amazing! etc" but not the girl you'd take home to mom... hang down your head Tom Dooley, hang down your head and cry...
      Anyway I've been racking my brain all day. How do I get her attention in that way. I tell you I'm all about admiring from afar, I'm A LOT to handle. I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. I mean I don't embarrassment and I don't like rejection... oh wait who does. So as I spoke to my twin on the phone, I got so wrapped up in our convo and being like yo F this I'm gonna message her. Done and done... I'm totally not gonna check my fb for the rest of the night because I'm gonna start feeling nauseous again. Gosh so damn nerve racking because I can't control how she thinks and right about now (funk soul brother) I'm completely creating a scenario in my head and it goes a little something like: she reads the message, she's like ugh eww i'm (a) totally not gonna respond, (b) I'm gonna reply but I'm totally gonna duck and dodge this transaction to deter further transactions to be made or (c) idk just be all ew and awkward, cuz I don't like her like that. she's not my type. There's nothing more humbling than putting yourself out there. You're essentially preparing yourself for a bullet in the chest. and here I am, this bougie bitch, encouraging others to put themselves out there. Maybe I wont pull the trigger... no who am I kidding I'll always pull the trigger but maybe it will be blank. Any way I know nothing of this girl besides I see her out and is newly single. Well, I did it. I reached out to her and that's that. I guess I can continue to move about the cabin as I always do. I'll see what happens. I should be sleep, retail knows no weekend.

ps. Those letters??? they weren't there. I found a few small ones. but they weren't there. I know I definitely have them... but I'm definitely not meant to find them right now. I wont find them. I'll wait until they find me.

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Letters

           Soooo, it's been almost a year since I've read the letters she wrote me. I haven't really gone looking for them. but every time I've gone "looking" for that paper bag, it's never where I  thought I put it. I kept thinking "okay whenever I happen across them I'll stop and read them. yeaup it hasn't happened. I've cleaned my rooms many of times between then and now. Today, I know where it is. The stronger the feeling gets the louder the Jumanji music is. and now I'm passing gas. cuz that's exactly what happens when I get nervous, I pass gas. I stare at those boxes at the top of my closet and I think "fuck you're up there aren't you." I always envisioned me finding these letters whilst I was famous and the video would be me reading the letters and burning them. and it would be my emancipation. At first I wanted to have friends over I read them and then burn them in a bonfire. Out of sight out of mind because those letters never appeared and I know I have them. I always put things in places and say okay I know where I put it and i'll be back for it. WRONG :) whilst we were still civil I asked her if  she'd read the letters I wrote to her and she said no. and I was like I don't want to read them. she says why, and I most likely sounded like an asshole. but I was afraid to go back to that moment and be upset because it was all a lie. So I hoped never to find those letters anytime soon cuz I'd have to face the music. and whenever that wrap up music is played we all know that it means to wrap it up you've go on for too long. well do you hear it. cuz I do. I'm thinking "hey maybe I don't need to read it". I'm thinking hey maybe I do.
          Last night on my drive home, I teared a little. I thought about all the times I'd cry whenever she had to leave. or tell her if you get a bad feeling just turn around and come back to me. or how I'd get worried whenever she was in the car with anyone else driving. She never wanted to goodbye it was too final. ( That's how I know its final now) ... ... ...
          Maybe I'll find those letters... maybe I wont read them now. just to know that I know where they are.
          I've been comparing myself to others. wondering why they've found love so easily after a break up. I look at those same people who've posted these I love you's and forever yours on each others walls and pictures of jubilous bliss and they're no longer. In fact some have moved on to the next already. when I then think. all that glitters isn't gold. common elle you work in the makeup industry. you know all about face. The tricks people use to make their eyes appear larger or smaller. or that make them look angular in the face or like they have beautiful skill. meanwhile underneath it all they look like shit. FB is make up elle. it can either reflect ones life or give you a new one. But the cracks will begin to show. eventually. if they are there. Now I'm thinking " This is what you're comparing yourself to, you know that right? It's painful right now but ultimately you want something that works for you and until you get that you're not about that life. nor have you ever been. for as much as you think you don't like serious relationships, you're not a jumper either. so take a seat. your time will come." I need to find that high school mentality I had. when I felt like "not me not now" and I was okay with it. I'm older and things are different. Maybe I should stop trying to be "uncle rico" and keep moving forward. The foundation is there but I need to keep building. I'm better than that.

      I'm gonna go face the music... find these letters. fuck.... like if these letters were from JG I would read them and with a smile because he was a great guy who deserves nothing but the best. but I don't think I want to be in that air. without her being in that air with me like. she aint suffering, you must be masochistic cuz it seems like you're asking for it. But I'm just not sure how else to deal with it. If I am running away from my feelings how do I deal with it cuz I thought I was dealing with it.
idk whatever

*Elyse

Current song(s):

Hayling- FC Kahuna
sweet Nothing: Calvin Harris feat Florence

Idk what to call this

            Today was another one of those 24 hours of sleep. Although I did get up run some errands and so forth I tell you. I ran on empty. And now I'm up. And I feel like talking so I'll write. I'm so exhausted yesterday I lugged my guitar and huge suitcase from the LES to work and from work to white plains. With NO help from anyone. Not even an offer. I'm gonna go ahead and say that no one helped because I had it under control. I owned that suitcase, I looked strong and put together. But still an offer would have been nice. But I owned that heavy ass suitcase and showed who's boss no sign of panic on this face! But it was annoying as fuck. The day before that (Sunday) I had an amazing photo shoot. I couldn't believe it was me. And I couldn't believe how natural I felt and easy. I'm so proud and so amped. I so believe in myself. I can do this! And I'm gonna! She was so funny it was like kickin it with my high school friends hahaha. She's mad dope I'm happy I found her. And most importantly she's a friend. I'm getting back into this wave where friends are taking a liking to me and I'm not really comfortable with it. I'm learning how to not be an asshole, be honest. But I can only control my end. And how they take interpret my actions is on them. And I have to learn to be okay with that too. 
       I must be walking in circles because I find myself at the same crossroad. The fortunate part is I notice something new every time. It's like the level on Mario bros where you keep doing the same thing over and over until you pick the right path. But the only way to know the right path is either luck, trying everything or if you're playing this again after a while... It's memory. Well that level is so genius and so accurate to the point of life. I've been dreaming of bell for the last week. It's exhausting. She's everywhere and no where. But if I may admit. I'm the only one in my way. She has moved on. And I could stand to learn from her. I may not be with anyone. And that's okay. But if she ever sees this I want her to understand thing
      ethanos, what I said in the bedroom when we first got together about seeing your aura not seeing you as a girl or boy and seeing your spirit I meant it and I still mean it. You took me like a storm and I knew that I was gonna suffer with or without you and I believe I told you that. That you had my heart in your hand. I remember that because I laid on cait's bed crying all night. A Shia Lebeouf movie was on and I couldn't have cared any less than I did. I couldn't understand the pain that I was feeling. You took away the pain that you caused whenever you were absent. Me walking away in the end was not to be hurtful. Although I turned into such a bitch. But it was to try to save myself because you checked out along time ago. You were absent mentally. And babe you know mentally we were so on. Until we weren't. I haven't stopped thinking or caring or loving you, I can't hate you, although I have tried. I just won't. Flash forward bell to sand creek when we talked about life after "us", you thought I'd be flying and a lot happier. Well I'd be lying if I said I'm not doing the damn thing right now, because I am killing it! I've had to pull a lot of shit out from my bag o' tricks and work this "troubled chic". But it has not been easy. And I know the motives of my actions are of someone who's not over it. Babe I'm not over you, I love you still. I will find that bag of letters you wrote me. I will read them I will cry. I will fall apart. I know it. The thought of being everything to you, the only thing to you. To being nothing to you tears me apart. Yes I said it! It Kills me! Hardcore. Bell what we had I'm not sure what it was, it sure was something. And I feel stupid. But that's okay. I must go through these range of emotions to understand them. And I probably won't. But in physically walking away from us I will mentally. This is the last year. Waiting on a dream that will never come true. I'm waring myself down, grinding into dust. This MUST come to an end, enough is enough I think I've given you enough already, I'm taking the remainder of this year to tie up lose ends, cuz really aint nobody got time for that. I am so sorry for letting you down, I'm sorry for the things that happened to you in your life, you know the stuff I wanted to go to war for you, for. You are special and that's the end of it. What you allowed me to see is beautiful and delicate, I know what you are. And I should have been more careful. But what's done is done. Good luck to you and your new life. I will be happy for you. 

*Elyse

Current song (s):

It ends tonight- all American rejects 
Secret door- evanescence 

I want that... (Elysium)

      I want that... one on one connection, skin on skin sensation, heart beating syncopation, soul meshing vibration, I want that. 

I want that adrenaline rush stimulation, nirvana kind of vibe-ation, in the rhythm nation, yea I want that.... 

Sounds fleeing, souls bleeding, eyes needing hands discovering. 

No way to be misunderstood as our colors meet

Soon weaving a tapestry even the blind can see

Yea I want that.

The taste of decadence upon your fingertips

And honey drops from your lips

I need that.

Flesh that melts in my hand

Come undone in Elysium Land

Flow into a sea of life 

Come undone in the Elysium light

Senses will all go numb 

Come undone in Elysium

Come undone in Elysium

Please come undone in ELYSIUM. 

*Elyse 

Falling to Pieces

          So I lay in my bed feeling some type of way. Damnit that v word. It is how it sounds, weak. None the less I'm feeling a little volnurable. With all the excitement of these last couple of days, I would just like to fall apart in someone's arms. Beggers can't be choosers but I don't want just anyone to hold me. It's not just with arms that you hold me it's with sound mind. And an aura of blue and green. Wait can someone have an aura of two colors? is that allowed? Well shit in my mind it is. I want to find a place in their nook. Like last August, My Mysterian and I felt so over it and helpless and he gave me what I needed. Listen, I'm a strong woman, always pushing always trying to improve always wanting to improve and without anybodies help. I get more done when I'm doing it solo. I've learned so much about myself because I had no choice. And I did it solo. But for as strong as I am, I have that need to be rescued. And I'm okay with admitting that. I want strong arms to rescue me from my current obscurity. But as of right now? I'll have to be those strong arms I so long for. And that's okay because I'm growing and learning. And when the time is right. I'll unravel in the right arms. And not be judged because of it. And visa versa. Be strong Elle, you're a beautiful prize that will be cherished by someone deserving. But right now Elle, elyse needs you like you need her. Hang on lady, victory is sweet :-*


*Elyse

Current Song:
She wolf (I'm falling to pieces)- Sia and David Guetta

I just need to know

     I feel like I'm crazy when I talk to people about this. They find a way to tell me I'm wrong but it nags me. Am I though, am I? I'm trying to pay close attention to what they're telling me or showing me but there was so much. It's like in school when you're doing word problems and the teachers are all "here is this long paragraph of info, now pick out the important stuff..." Bitch I was NEVER good at it! And now I'm being tested and I'm confused. Maybe these dreams are nothing and I just have an active imagination, that's probably it. I don't want that to be it though! Because its all too real. Maybe I solved that puzzle when I called LuceC and I was meant to talk to her. I called Ly to check up on her and she's fine. I couldn't bring myself to tell her when she asked. I just can't. Anyway it crosses my mind to go to a psychic but I don't trust it anymore. I feel like they're con artist. Not all of my dreams are loaded, in fact, I've gotten so much better at being able to tell when I'm just being dramatic and when it's really something. I just really need to know! I went to a tarot card reading before and they lady told me that the spirits don't give you more than you can handle. So you know what maybe I really can't handle it. Shits not always good. And am I really strong enough to handle that. Sometimes I do feel that way. But if shit got real I would really like to know that I can trust someone with what I'm telling them. Sure I have peach and she listens but she doesn't know what the solution is. Bell was the only person that didn't freak out. Because she goes through it. And in knowing that she does it helps me. Because she doesn't think I'm crazy or being dramatic. I've been discovering my physical stregnth lately and feeling mighty powerful, feeling like I'm here for a greater purpose. So when dreams like these come along I always want to pay attention, God's trying to tell me something I really don't want to miss it. I can be so oblivious to shit, or even worse scared of it. It's like I'm scared of my potential because I do second guess my abilities. I feel like I'm doing these trust activities in highschool. Except now no one is here, I have to rely on myself to carry me. Trust my instincts and trust myself to catch me. Stop running my mouth and listen to what I'm saying.  I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and I'm stronger than I think. God built me in a way that even if I appear broken I'm not. Whether I like it or not, he built me to fight, and I push that thought away most times because it feels like most times I'm fighting with the wrong person or thing. But I am a fighter and I can't be crazy on this one. I really really can't be. But what I can be is patient. It sure would be nice to find comfort in all of this.
My active imagination leads me nowhere. I need a hug.

*ELyse

Keep going

    Am I glad it's over? You betcha! But in the long run its not over, it's never over. I gotta keep going! When I broke up with Bell, my sister and I had a long convo. It was more like a session of me bitching and complaining of irrelevance. Stupid shit and people I could not change and after I stopped whining long enough to hear her. She goes "you take yourself way too seriously" and in quick defense mode I shoot back with a "no I don't! You don't understand..." But I heard her and I stopped arguing with her. She was right. Then I thought about how I worked with children in albany and bell told me that kids acting up is nothing personal to me, take myself out of the situation and you'll be able to control the situation but so long as I take it as a personal attack, they win. And sure enough I did that and she was right.
      I bring that up because that's exactly what I had to tell myself and remind myself these last two days. Somewhere along the road I have learned that I was not ever good enough. If people can't see that you're amazing then you're nothing, forgotten, elyse who? But instead of trying harder I give up I say fuck it and throw in the towel. Some how felt like the wizard of oz, I'm not really all that powerful I'm just a phony hiding behind the smoke screen. As my mind goes a mile a minute, Ly slows me down. And I can still hear her voice like a babbling brook. She's so easy to listen to. She has great tonality. It's like a silk ribbon blowing, I can listen forever. Okay I'm getting away from the point, she has that effect on me... *snap back to it elyse! Right* she probably told me what everyone else has been telling me. But it reached me when she said it. She asks questions and I start spilling my guts. It's like word vomit. And I just want to tell her everything. I want her to know everything. Okay back to it... So basically she tells me, you can do all it is that you want but you should be doing it for you and not for anyone else. Because you're gonna exhaust yourself and you'll never be happy. Then you'll start to hold resentment for everything. And I'm paraphrasing. But that's what I took from it. I called her being all upset about losing my grandmothers house and it turned into that. And she was completely right. So I started to back track and sift through what's been on my plate. And saw myself getting ready to do or  doing what I had been doing for all my life: RUN because shit got real instead of fight through it. Take everything as a learning experience instead of a personal attack... Cuz they're all out to get me! Maybe some are. But if I focus on all that matters those things we have no choice but to call people can never get me. 
      So on Wednesday my first week of performing for the audience commenced. And I recieved some solid feedback from the judges and that was that I'm holding back. I am a performer but I'm like a showgirl waiting to bust out. I have it there I need to just do it. But they liked me. And then one judge said i was a gay man trapped in a woman's body! Success. And they weren't sure if my song selection was the best one. Only because they feel like I can do more and really open up and give more. And I definitely agree. On Thursday, I had a face off competition. I didn't win and I didn't expect to win honestly. But I did realize I'm a novice!! In deed! I need to just do make up as much as I can. When it comes to my art and drawings I feel like I don't like my work being critiqued, so telling me you don't like the choices I've made... And who are you!??  But I just rolled it off and said whatever dude that's you. The best part is coming back to my job and having them be soo proud of me. And I love them for that. They're so supportive. But again I'm a novice! And what I'd want to do is beat up on myself make an excuse and quit. But not this time. Because this is only going help me narrow down what it is want to do and solidify me. 
      I just have to keep going. Learn and grow. Laugh at myself... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!!
I'm so thankful for the smart people around me. Good vibrations!

ELyse*

Current song(s):
Let's forget all the things that we say- Julia stone
Weight of the world- evanescence