Soooo, it's been almost a year since I've read the letters she wrote me. I haven't really gone looking for them. but every time I've gone "looking" for that paper bag, it's never where I thought I put it. I kept thinking "okay whenever I happen across them I'll stop and read them. yeaup it hasn't happened. I've cleaned my rooms many of times between then and now. Today, I know where it is. The stronger the feeling gets the louder the Jumanji music is. and now I'm passing gas. cuz that's exactly what happens when I get nervous, I pass gas. I stare at those boxes at the top of my closet and I think "fuck you're up there aren't you." I always envisioned me finding these letters whilst I was famous and the video would be me reading the letters and burning them. and it would be my emancipation. At first I wanted to have friends over I read them and then burn them in a bonfire. Out of sight out of mind because those letters never appeared and I know I have them. I always put things in places and say okay I know where I put it and i'll be back for it. WRONG :) whilst we were still civil I asked her if she'd read the letters I wrote to her and she said no. and I was like I don't want to read them. she says why, and I most likely sounded like an asshole. but I was afraid to go back to that moment and be upset because it was all a lie. So I hoped never to find those letters anytime soon cuz I'd have to face the music. and whenever that wrap up music is played we all know that it means to wrap it up you've go on for too long. well do you hear it. cuz I do. I'm thinking "hey maybe I don't need to read it". I'm thinking hey maybe I do.
Last night on my drive home, I teared a little. I thought about all the times I'd cry whenever she had to leave. or tell her if you get a bad feeling just turn around and come back to me. or how I'd get worried whenever she was in the car with anyone else driving. She never wanted to goodbye it was too final. ( That's how I know its final now) ... ... ...
Maybe I'll find those letters... maybe I wont read them now. just to know that I know where they are.
I've been comparing myself to others. wondering why they've found love so easily after a break up. I look at those same people who've posted these I love you's and forever yours on each others walls and pictures of jubilous bliss and they're no longer. In fact some have moved on to the next already. when I then think. all that glitters isn't gold. common elle you work in the makeup industry. you know all about face. The tricks people use to make their eyes appear larger or smaller. or that make them look angular in the face or like they have beautiful skill. meanwhile underneath it all they look like shit. FB is make up elle. it can either reflect ones life or give you a new one. But the cracks will begin to show. eventually. if they are there. Now I'm thinking " This is what you're comparing yourself to, you know that right? It's painful right now but ultimately you want something that works for you and until you get that you're not about that life. nor have you ever been. for as much as you think you don't like serious relationships, you're not a jumper either. so take a seat. your time will come." I need to find that high school mentality I had. when I felt like "not me not now" and I was okay with it. I'm older and things are different. Maybe I should stop trying to be "uncle rico" and keep moving forward. The foundation is there but I need to keep building. I'm better than that.
I'm gonna go face the music... find these letters. fuck.... like if these letters were from JG I would read them and with a smile because he was a great guy who deserves nothing but the best. but I don't think I want to be in that air. without her being in that air with me like. she aint suffering, you must be masochistic cuz it seems like you're asking for it. But I'm just not sure how else to deal with it. If I am running away from my feelings how do I deal with it cuz I thought I was dealing with it.
idk whatever
*Elyse
Current song(s):
Hayling- FC Kahuna
sweet Nothing: Calvin Harris feat Florence
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