Idk what to call this

            Today was another one of those 24 hours of sleep. Although I did get up run some errands and so forth I tell you. I ran on empty. And now I'm up. And I feel like talking so I'll write. I'm so exhausted yesterday I lugged my guitar and huge suitcase from the LES to work and from work to white plains. With NO help from anyone. Not even an offer. I'm gonna go ahead and say that no one helped because I had it under control. I owned that suitcase, I looked strong and put together. But still an offer would have been nice. But I owned that heavy ass suitcase and showed who's boss no sign of panic on this face! But it was annoying as fuck. The day before that (Sunday) I had an amazing photo shoot. I couldn't believe it was me. And I couldn't believe how natural I felt and easy. I'm so proud and so amped. I so believe in myself. I can do this! And I'm gonna! She was so funny it was like kickin it with my high school friends hahaha. She's mad dope I'm happy I found her. And most importantly she's a friend. I'm getting back into this wave where friends are taking a liking to me and I'm not really comfortable with it. I'm learning how to not be an asshole, be honest. But I can only control my end. And how they take interpret my actions is on them. And I have to learn to be okay with that too. 
       I must be walking in circles because I find myself at the same crossroad. The fortunate part is I notice something new every time. It's like the level on Mario bros where you keep doing the same thing over and over until you pick the right path. But the only way to know the right path is either luck, trying everything or if you're playing this again after a while... It's memory. Well that level is so genius and so accurate to the point of life. I've been dreaming of bell for the last week. It's exhausting. She's everywhere and no where. But if I may admit. I'm the only one in my way. She has moved on. And I could stand to learn from her. I may not be with anyone. And that's okay. But if she ever sees this I want her to understand thing
      ethanos, what I said in the bedroom when we first got together about seeing your aura not seeing you as a girl or boy and seeing your spirit I meant it and I still mean it. You took me like a storm and I knew that I was gonna suffer with or without you and I believe I told you that. That you had my heart in your hand. I remember that because I laid on cait's bed crying all night. A Shia Lebeouf movie was on and I couldn't have cared any less than I did. I couldn't understand the pain that I was feeling. You took away the pain that you caused whenever you were absent. Me walking away in the end was not to be hurtful. Although I turned into such a bitch. But it was to try to save myself because you checked out along time ago. You were absent mentally. And babe you know mentally we were so on. Until we weren't. I haven't stopped thinking or caring or loving you, I can't hate you, although I have tried. I just won't. Flash forward bell to sand creek when we talked about life after "us", you thought I'd be flying and a lot happier. Well I'd be lying if I said I'm not doing the damn thing right now, because I am killing it! I've had to pull a lot of shit out from my bag o' tricks and work this "troubled chic". But it has not been easy. And I know the motives of my actions are of someone who's not over it. Babe I'm not over you, I love you still. I will find that bag of letters you wrote me. I will read them I will cry. I will fall apart. I know it. The thought of being everything to you, the only thing to you. To being nothing to you tears me apart. Yes I said it! It Kills me! Hardcore. Bell what we had I'm not sure what it was, it sure was something. And I feel stupid. But that's okay. I must go through these range of emotions to understand them. And I probably won't. But in physically walking away from us I will mentally. This is the last year. Waiting on a dream that will never come true. I'm waring myself down, grinding into dust. This MUST come to an end, enough is enough I think I've given you enough already, I'm taking the remainder of this year to tie up lose ends, cuz really aint nobody got time for that. I am so sorry for letting you down, I'm sorry for the things that happened to you in your life, you know the stuff I wanted to go to war for you, for. You are special and that's the end of it. What you allowed me to see is beautiful and delicate, I know what you are. And I should have been more careful. But what's done is done. Good luck to you and your new life. I will be happy for you. 

*Elyse

Current song (s):

It ends tonight- all American rejects 
Secret door- evanescence