I just need to know

     I feel like I'm crazy when I talk to people about this. They find a way to tell me I'm wrong but it nags me. Am I though, am I? I'm trying to pay close attention to what they're telling me or showing me but there was so much. It's like in school when you're doing word problems and the teachers are all "here is this long paragraph of info, now pick out the important stuff..." Bitch I was NEVER good at it! And now I'm being tested and I'm confused. Maybe these dreams are nothing and I just have an active imagination, that's probably it. I don't want that to be it though! Because its all too real. Maybe I solved that puzzle when I called LuceC and I was meant to talk to her. I called Ly to check up on her and she's fine. I couldn't bring myself to tell her when she asked. I just can't. Anyway it crosses my mind to go to a psychic but I don't trust it anymore. I feel like they're con artist. Not all of my dreams are loaded, in fact, I've gotten so much better at being able to tell when I'm just being dramatic and when it's really something. I just really need to know! I went to a tarot card reading before and they lady told me that the spirits don't give you more than you can handle. So you know what maybe I really can't handle it. Shits not always good. And am I really strong enough to handle that. Sometimes I do feel that way. But if shit got real I would really like to know that I can trust someone with what I'm telling them. Sure I have peach and she listens but she doesn't know what the solution is. Bell was the only person that didn't freak out. Because she goes through it. And in knowing that she does it helps me. Because she doesn't think I'm crazy or being dramatic. I've been discovering my physical stregnth lately and feeling mighty powerful, feeling like I'm here for a greater purpose. So when dreams like these come along I always want to pay attention, God's trying to tell me something I really don't want to miss it. I can be so oblivious to shit, or even worse scared of it. It's like I'm scared of my potential because I do second guess my abilities. I feel like I'm doing these trust activities in highschool. Except now no one is here, I have to rely on myself to carry me. Trust my instincts and trust myself to catch me. Stop running my mouth and listen to what I'm saying.  I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and I'm stronger than I think. God built me in a way that even if I appear broken I'm not. Whether I like it or not, he built me to fight, and I push that thought away most times because it feels like most times I'm fighting with the wrong person or thing. But I am a fighter and I can't be crazy on this one. I really really can't be. But what I can be is patient. It sure would be nice to find comfort in all of this.
My active imagination leads me nowhere. I need a hug.

*ELyse

Keep going

    Am I glad it's over? You betcha! But in the long run its not over, it's never over. I gotta keep going! When I broke up with Bell, my sister and I had a long convo. It was more like a session of me bitching and complaining of irrelevance. Stupid shit and people I could not change and after I stopped whining long enough to hear her. She goes "you take yourself way too seriously" and in quick defense mode I shoot back with a "no I don't! You don't understand..." But I heard her and I stopped arguing with her. She was right. Then I thought about how I worked with children in albany and bell told me that kids acting up is nothing personal to me, take myself out of the situation and you'll be able to control the situation but so long as I take it as a personal attack, they win. And sure enough I did that and she was right.
      I bring that up because that's exactly what I had to tell myself and remind myself these last two days. Somewhere along the road I have learned that I was not ever good enough. If people can't see that you're amazing then you're nothing, forgotten, elyse who? But instead of trying harder I give up I say fuck it and throw in the towel. Some how felt like the wizard of oz, I'm not really all that powerful I'm just a phony hiding behind the smoke screen. As my mind goes a mile a minute, Ly slows me down. And I can still hear her voice like a babbling brook. She's so easy to listen to. She has great tonality. It's like a silk ribbon blowing, I can listen forever. Okay I'm getting away from the point, she has that effect on me... *snap back to it elyse! Right* she probably told me what everyone else has been telling me. But it reached me when she said it. She asks questions and I start spilling my guts. It's like word vomit. And I just want to tell her everything. I want her to know everything. Okay back to it... So basically she tells me, you can do all it is that you want but you should be doing it for you and not for anyone else. Because you're gonna exhaust yourself and you'll never be happy. Then you'll start to hold resentment for everything. And I'm paraphrasing. But that's what I took from it. I called her being all upset about losing my grandmothers house and it turned into that. And she was completely right. So I started to back track and sift through what's been on my plate. And saw myself getting ready to do or  doing what I had been doing for all my life: RUN because shit got real instead of fight through it. Take everything as a learning experience instead of a personal attack... Cuz they're all out to get me! Maybe some are. But if I focus on all that matters those things we have no choice but to call people can never get me. 
      So on Wednesday my first week of performing for the audience commenced. And I recieved some solid feedback from the judges and that was that I'm holding back. I am a performer but I'm like a showgirl waiting to bust out. I have it there I need to just do it. But they liked me. And then one judge said i was a gay man trapped in a woman's body! Success. And they weren't sure if my song selection was the best one. Only because they feel like I can do more and really open up and give more. And I definitely agree. On Thursday, I had a face off competition. I didn't win and I didn't expect to win honestly. But I did realize I'm a novice!! In deed! I need to just do make up as much as I can. When it comes to my art and drawings I feel like I don't like my work being critiqued, so telling me you don't like the choices I've made... And who are you!??  But I just rolled it off and said whatever dude that's you. The best part is coming back to my job and having them be soo proud of me. And I love them for that. They're so supportive. But again I'm a novice! And what I'd want to do is beat up on myself make an excuse and quit. But not this time. Because this is only going help me narrow down what it is want to do and solidify me. 
      I just have to keep going. Learn and grow. Laugh at myself... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!!
I'm so thankful for the smart people around me. Good vibrations!

ELyse*

Current song(s):
Let's forget all the things that we say- Julia stone
Weight of the world- evanescence

       

Feel free

       Well I, yet again feel absolutely foolish. How stupid can I be. Seriously, dumbass what am I holding on to. Friday night it all dawns on me. " Bitch she's not coming back, let it go, she's dead." But she's very much so alive. And I'm very much so dillusional. I could cry. Nope I'm past that. My skin itches. And I'm trying so hard to be good. If I can feel pain that I can comprehend I can smile the next day. I'm just an idiot and I look stupid. So I'm gonna force myself to do insanity. Because of course to top it off I feel fat and ugly. Ptown is coming up and I feel pressure. I have to be perfect I have to look perfect. I have to be amazing. And when I don't, I feel useless, worthless. I have to be amazing all day everyday. But lets be honest. I'm not. And now I have this competition well two competitions this week. Makeup thursday and Wednesday singing. Guitar lessons and working Friday night. There really isn't time for me to be throwing myself a pitty party. Aint nobody got time for that! But once this week subsides and it does back to normal. I'm afraid my mind will catch up with me. And there she'll be haunting me, mocking me throwing everything in my face! And who will be there? Nobody. Mainly because I don't want anyone to talk to. I scare myself I don't want to scare anymore people. Cuz apparently that's just what I do. I'm way too much of strong personality. People think they can handle it but they can't. And I'm left feeling alone and hollowed. Well I'm glad one of us is happy.
And there goes that itch again...

ELyse*

Current song (s):
Myself - Linkin Park

Anger

          Seriously, I must have slept for 11 hours last night. Came home and went straight to bed. I couldn't help feel so angry. Maybe that had something to do with it. I kept thinking of  how I was trying to be cute when I txtd "Ly" and it felt like she totes dismissed me. Then I heard nothing from her yesterday. I heard back from them and I got it but I didn't txt her to let her know. And it pissed me off like none other. I kept waking up and the thought popped in my head once again and I was like F this and then I just passed out. I don't know why it bothers me so much. But I was soo annoyed. I was gonna get up practice guitar, make an ice float. Look at internships and such but anger has a way of provoking me. We have a tumultuous relationship, anger and I. We go looking for each other just to see how we'd combust in a given situation. Will I take the bait or just brush it off. And I almost never do that. Ugh... I get so engulfed in anger and rage sometimes it's scary. I'd much rather try to ignore it, because I feel like the Phoenix from x-men, everything in my path gets destroyed and I don't stop until its broken. If I can sleep it off I'll do that gladly. Otherwise I'm in tunnel vision. I don't know who or how that actually helps but it just helps. The question is, how do I feel right now? Fine. Well rested. Ready to try to tackle this day. Hopefully it swims on by. And on that note

Good Morning all

*Elyse

Current song(s):
Secret Door- Evanescence 

back to normal

     It's been a crazy long time since I've written. looking back on this I'd say its more like an online diary, In fact. I like that better.

     Winter has always been the hardest on me. So I guess I'm back to normal... But what exactly is normal. A high in one hour and a low the next. I've gone back to normal, but my normal is miserable. There's a shadow that creeps over me, I always think that I've out smarted it but I haven't. This is why I don't let anyone in... and I gag at the thought of saying this but i'm... vul... vulner. vuln. vulnerable. blah. Am I a venting system? cuz that's all I ever do. I'm tired of it. I got my hopes up for this girl. I told myself that I just didn't want a girlfriend but I invited her in. Things worked until they didn't. Now they've opened up a can of worms... I DON'T FUCKING LIKE WORMS!!! I DON'T FUCKING LIKE MESS!! but well I am one. Til i've come to the conclusion that well I do want a relationship and I am willing to sacrifice! and to be quite frank, I always have!! But my love isn't one that should be sought after. There are booby traps. and black oobliets. hell there's even a bog of eternal stench. Maybe it would be a lot more fun if david bowie popped out with his numerous crystal balls and glitter and just danced the magic dance every now and again. But no, there is none of that. It's like the willy wonker song when they get in the boat, and these creepy ass images just flash across the scene and you're like what the shit, batman! and you're horrified. Only there's no satisfaction in creeping out my guest, well not anymore. In fact for that reason, I'd like to keep the world out. with tons o' warning signs that say "don't even dare looking over here." and there I go tangentizing, the point is I want someone there, but if you ever ask me I'll say no. But I do. But I'm over people and their self proclaimed fame. and their bullshit and their... shit. but non the less I go back to really wanting that person that wants me. but I'm not easy to want, strike that. I am easy to want, but I'm not easy to keep...

I'm just soo trying to write and really be like committed to writing this and all clever and shit. but I just don't feel like it. 

I've got a wall of tension around my emotions and an extensive ipod collection that will speak for me. only every time someone asks are you okay I can't stop and bust out my ipod and go here listen cuz this is me at the moment. although that would be falking awesome. I can't. everybody's got a trouble (said in the rhythm of Civil Twilight's song) <--- see that! anyway

Someone said to me once that this is what the 20's are all about; figuring yourself out, what you want and don't want. although I don't think "turning 30" is gonna cure it.

I want to fall into arms and feel safe. Forget about the moments that don't matter. But I don't have the patients for that... in other words "AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!" Yet every now and then I have these random moments where some one holds my hand, ( it happened at work and it threw me off) and I like it. who knew holding a hand could be so impactful. I think I always knew which is why I don't like anyone doing it. and because I haven't been involved with someone, or I have ( honestly I couldn't even tell you what that glitch in the matrix was) it just opened my eyes. and suddenly I wanna hold your hand <--- and there it goes again! (sung in The Beatles voice)

There are still so many questions I need answered and yet I have to find the peace within myself. Because I'm never satisfied. It's just no way to be... I don't support that! 

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Details in the Fabric- Jason Mraz

Sweet Nothings- Calvin Harris and florence Welch 

Way too Fast- Active Child

Hangin' On- Active Child

My Heart is Broken- Evanescence 

Secret Door- Evanescence

No Ordinary Love- Sade 

Clarity

              I wasn't quite sure that I knew exactly how to feel after I sent her the email. Immediately I felt a sigh of relief. I felt like an air that was all so welcoming. There was a hint of stress but well not too much. I was kind of worrying if I was gonna be kicking myself in the ass for it later. But the first thing that came back to me was "HER" the Her I'd spoke about before. I don't know but she somehow rushed my head and I paused and I thought for a second "man I wish I could get back to her"... anyway Stilettos always brings me good news *knock on wood*. I went home that night and surprisingly not in tears, not overwhelmed, not locked in my dungeon like mind. I went to sleep. Now I'm all about dreams especially if they're reoccurring or none like it before. There was symbolism after symbolism and I just needed to do my research. I found myself cuddling with HER in my dreams in the portion of my dream where snow took to the sky like a plague of locust. Everyone was dressed in winter gear freezing except me. and so I pick up some of the snow that had fallen but all I could think was snow in the middle of June, and it's not even cold to the touch it's like not normal snow. In that point of the dream I'm like taking mental notes of it all. But I was with HER on the couch with a family I don't know who's family it was but they weren't related to me. We then ended at a pool party, the water was crystal clear. we all bordered on "walking on it". we played in the water and walked on it. I remember looking at HER laughing and having a good time that I left in a hurry. driving the car... I thought to myself "but you're happy why would you leave." I instantly pulled a "U'ie" to make it back to the party it started pouring and I was still driving the car from the driver seat and not the back seat as I usually do in my dreams. I wanna say there was a jack rabbit in there too or some shit but Idk. I looked it up though. all the symbolism that showed up in my dream all related to one another it all lined up. the snow falling being inner peace and tranquility it also meant the need for me to lose my inhibitions, that there was a need for me to express my emotions. and I completely agreed. but all in all there was a peace that would come. same thing with the rain it symbolized clarity but also my goals and ideas finally coming to head. and the fact that I drove the car not from the back seat means I'm ambitious and taking control of my life. everything about that dream was good. it was great. I felt so at peace. I don't even know if that's the correct way of saying it but I did. It's scary but it's happening and I feel it. I know it. The way I think about certain situations the way I act on situations, things seem more clear. They aren't completely clear but they are a lot more then they've ever been. My best friend thinks I should start dating again. I agree with her reasoning. Idk I just don't really feel like it, dating can lead to nowhere or somewhere and I'm really enjoying myself in all aspects of the word. Let's get that Career going ay?! I mean really though, I'm just counting down the days. I've never been away from home like this... Mommy wow, I'm a big kid now :)

I'm gonna do this and in the words of Latrice Royale, I'm going to make them eat it! Werk!

eLLe*

Current song:

Mercy- Kanye West & friends ;-}

In a Perfect World

      In a perfect world, you'll call to say you're in the area and you'd like to see me.

In a perfect world, we'd sit in my back yard around dusk, laughing, you'd sip a corona and I, a woodchuck sharing a cigar like two G's. I'd have you in staples like I did when we first started, you know the time I told you about how Peach hit the deck when the birds flew over her head. she was mortified... At some point my mom would come out and show you her illegal gun show (her arms) and then tell you "all this is yo playground baby" and you'd cry of laughter. The night would carry on... until it didn't.

And in a Perfect world, I would be able to allow myself to sit there with you without somehow feeling like just another average girl.

      In a perfect world, your heart stopped, like mine did, when you saw me memorial weekend. I meant more than that girl you call a girlfriend. and you'd hope that time could slow up so those brief moments didn't end. Like sparring in the streets... How did we end it that night anyway, did you look after me and think damn I love her, there goes that laugh again, cuz in a perfect world... you did. In a Perfect world, you were proud of me when I told you I'm doing insanity and thought "she's unstoppable, I wish I could be on this journey with her". In a Perfect world, we connected telepathically. I'd send myself and you'd feel me there. and I'd say " I know" without you having to even say it... we were good like that. Cuz in a perfect world you would meet me in our secret place. Imaginary.

      In a perfect world, you'd read this because you knew this day you should. We'd stop running from each other and walk together. Pride would only be recognized as an event for the gays. In a perfect world you would have felt everything that I went through. You'd see the downward spiral I got entangled in after seeing you. In a perfect world, we'd sit down and I wouldn't be so terrified to hear those dreadful words that negate everything we've been through "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"

But this isn't a perfect World... It's the real world... and in the Real World...

 ... In the real world... it just is what it is. (I hate that saying)

*eLLe

Current song(s):

Butterfly- Bassnecter feat Mimi Page

The Ghost of you- My Chemical Romance

Arms of Sorrow- Killswitch Engage
The End of Heartache- Killswitch Engage