Ready

       I wanna say I'm soo ready. But I've always been. Ready to be that person that touches lives by the thousands. I mean I guess I could settle for the hundreds... naaaahhh... thousands seems doable :) but I would be honored to even have that one person that came to me and said your music saved my life or maybe even saved my best friend's life. Let's see I've already had someone tell me my away message on AIM really helped them through the tough time they were having. and an old high school friend tell me she read my blog and it helped. Idk which one it was but none the less always those things that make my heart burst with excitement. I feel like I'm soo close yet soo far away. or like I'm jennifer connelly in the labyrinth with david bowie, the beginning of the movie if she had just asked the right questions or had been out right with her pursuit she would have gotten to the center of the labyrinth quicker. Of coarse the she wouldn't have been able to find herself and her gumption but well... I guess I need to remember you can't take anything for-granted. It's those subtleties in life that make it all worth it, and meaningful. I constantly sit doubting myself because I'm so anxious in the final result but never really paying attention to what gets me to that point, if there is one, worrying how the world will perceive me, instead of just doing it, worrying about everything that doesn't need to be worried about. It feels like i lose my confidence. But in the words of  lil wayne: "confidence is a stain, it can't wipe off". and then it felt like it came back to me, because I felt like i found something that I can relate to... Anna Vissi. If you don't know her look her up. She's a greek singer, with such a deep and powerful voice that breaks my heart when I listen to her. She's like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in a long time I've found an artist that I LOVE. Music that helps me view things a little differently. Something that gives me confidence in the abilities that I have. and When I felt like maybe I was having delusions of grandeur, and that I was like everybody else who thought they were different and special but fell in the average pile. I see that it's not delusions of grandeur but my future, and the only way I could fall into that pile is if I wasn't me. I've never really been average so why start now.

I'm ready.

*eLLe

current song: Erotevmanaki- Anna Vissi

Going "Home"?

              In going home, I was looking for a "Let Down". I guess a let down is what i got but it wasn't the one I was hoping for. I was looking for an escape from my current situation and found that I was in my old one. One that lead to my current one. Remembering why I left home in the first place. I needed a chance not to think about anything work on self, When I felt the bitter cold of RAGE down my neck and creeping into my veins. I don't stop it... I welcome it. Take your course that's fine. For every cool event there was always one to counteract it lurking in the corners. Disappointment, Rage, Happiness, Depression. This used to be my playground. This used to be the place a ran to. But where exactly was that again. I think I have the wrong address.

     I know now... that I didn't run home... Never ran home. I inside myself. I ran TO myself. and now that I've opened my museasm doors. I feel like some of the exhibits were misplaced. even stolen.

Current song... Elysium- Portishead.

*eLLe

Hurt?

                   I can't even fathom my current situation right now. I'm trying to figure out why in tar-nation is it okay for my friends to tell me when I'm being irrational and making poor decisions left and right, and when I finally state my opinion I'm wrong???? PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY EXPLICAR to me please! where is that Just??? I get criticisms that I am harsh, cold, intimidating? mean etc. But I don't say shit when my friends are beating me up. NOT A DAMN WORD. SO I FINALLY SPEAK UP AND GIVE MY OPINION AND I HURT YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS REALLY!?? OH YOU'RE HURT???? F THAT!!!  i'll tell you what's hurtful! what's hurtful is watching sparkly friends of yours become ordinary because of the people they "LOVE". Or even worse that they KNOW and they choose to make excuses! so you sit there and try to ignore it, because she's "HAPPY". BULL! I'M SOOO BEYOND ANGRY! angry that you would even ask such ASININE questions and be HURT when somebody tells you the GOTDAMN truth. I've sat for years not saying shit to people because I knew that I had stored up so much concrete evidence that it would SHATTER their very existence! and you're hurt because I'm telling you that your job choices are lacking and thats not why you came here in the first place, basically telling you that you're settling! and YOUR feelings are hurt. OH REALLY my feelings weren't hurt with the many asshole things you've said to me right? like when you scolded me about  my job options, NOPE. Cuz apparently I'm that heartless bitch that just doesn't give a shit right.! NO I'M NOT GONNA COSIGN ON YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT! NOT WHEN I THINK YOU ARE SOO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! But you wanna hear what you want to hear. you'll tell me how hurt you are and be soo quick to tell me off but you wont say a damn thing to the person that you lay down with every night. trying to help you cover your ass in certain situations. FUCK THAT! I'm not hurt I'm seething. You're too fucking stubborn to see. BUT YOU DO SEE. or you wouldn't ask dumb questions. I hold my tongue back from a lot of people. Everyone likes to talk about how real they are. but they can never take it dished back at them. I take a lot of hurtful things A LOT, and everyone thinks that, that shit falls on deaf ears because I don't respond the way they want me to. but thats cause i'm doing that "dugre ritual"- listening instead of reacting... in a nutshell... AND FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT... ONE BREIF MOMENT! I felt bad I felt like I shoulda been supportive. because everyone says that friends are supposed to have your back and we sift out the rest. and I thought to myself, you really believe that nonsense? PHUKET . I've been curbing my enthusias  because it hurts people too much. and i'll continue to take harsh criticism because well in these moments yea I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I know how hurtful it is and you keep pressing me. So don't act brand new... you OWE ME THAT MUCH! 

*eLLe

Basketball wives

        Alright so I have to admit I am secretly (now not being a secret) addicted to Basketball wives. I started out watching the show thinking like wow. I am SOOO ashamed of being a female. I couldn't believe the stuff I was watching, I was like "nope, this cannot be real". I mean talk about hood rat stuff. These women are just disgusting with all the bullshit and the nonsense, the bickering and calling each other fake and the whole "who's who" of wives. I sat there like this cannot be real. There was an episode that really put a bad taste in my mouth and it was, I guess the idk what i'd call them, I guess mean girls or the cougars idk. And they were beating up on this girl cuz she called her wedding off. so they were trying to get at her, gang up on her and make her feel like crap. But the kicker is that they ALLL married basketball players and then were divorced. So why were they forming the lynch mob. I mean these girls really go at it. FOR NO REASON. It really seems like a life of superficialness. FUCKERY if you will. They all try to insinuate to themselves that they are not gold diggers but really though they are, and they have NO class whatsoever! I watch this show really like wow is this really what men are about? Put something shiny on their fingers and they're sold? Give them a house, a car, a tea-cup and a new weave and we're sold. I'm thoroughly pissed like wow. These women are really giving us a terrible name. 

      And I say all of that to say this. WHERE THE HELL WAS I SEASON ONE?????? The train wreckage is far to great to turn away. I watch season two religiously, it's sad! AND what's even more sad is how these producers know that all that have to do is make people right and they've captured a huge audience. I'm so angry that I fall for it. Maybe it's to point fingers cuz i know that would NEVER be me. I can't be fooled by handsome. you can't fool me with a ring. I aint, yeaup thats right, I AINT GON BE no trophy... F that... if anything YOU GON BE AT MY SHOWS, ON MY ARM playing that roll. Ugh this world... I can't even deal. But I'm soo hooked on that catastrophe that now I need to go back and sit through all of season one. Cuz them bitchez be fighting!!! One more episode left in season two but I think it's safe to say tami is crazy! hahaha... good times

*eLLe

THE Identity

            Every Identity is hard. I believe that. But I truly do feel that the Bi- identity is truly ONE OF the harder identities. See in my eyes, if you're on either side of the fence then that's what it is. It may have taken you a longer time to get to the public decision or it may have been a pretty painless decision for you. Either way if you're gay you say hey I'm gay thats just what it is. If you're straight you say Hey I'm straight and that's what it is. But when you're Bi, you identify with both, so what do you say??? Because you're explanation wont matter to people. If you happen to date a girl, first girl ever, The Bi identity gets lost and the question then presented to you is... When did you turn GAY????? and being that you're "HALF" gay you can't diss that side of you and say "I'M NOT GAY!!" But if you always messed with girls but always dated guys, then you're Straight. ORRR the best one!! you LOOK straight so I ASSUMED you were straight. or  you LOOK butch or feminine so you're gay! and lastly "she dates men but she totally looks like she would date women too, look how she dresses and carry's herself". we're like on that witch hunt. but being Bi still gets its nose turned up to, you have to PROVE yourself.  Being Bi isn't this free for all that the Gay and lesbians hate. (and that truly pisses me off). Shit is hard because you straddle the middle. You like boys AND you like girls. or you hate Boys AND you hate girls. so whenever and BODY is strong enough to impact you on that level it's great. Or you only like boys but you happen to fall in love with a girl. or you like girls and you happen to fall in love with a boy. There is no clear cut path for Bi's I don't think its as easy as going "I like both lets make it a party", As seen on True Life, It's attempted but not successful SORRY. It's confusing. See in my case I also like to flirt with gender restrictions. Sometimes I'm so girly and want to go along with the gender roles that are associated with your alpha FEMALE. and then sometimes I say "fuck you hetero-normativity nobody is gonna tell me what it means to be female or tell me that my demeanors are not woman like", and I go into this whole he-man hating thing. See, I see society and their "gender roles" for both sides and I either choose to ignore them, play along with them or mix and match them.  On top of that I'm Bi sector "It's all about the person, so whoever I date next is up in the air". 

           So with that in mind I'm gonna change paths a bit and not to look so grand scale and more personal, Dating is another issue, it can seem so miniscule but it actually takes its toll.  If you're straight your partner need only to worry about the the opposite sex. When you're gay, your partner need only to worry about the same sex. and when you're Bi, you just can't win. I can't be close to a straight guy according to my girl it's not possible and due to the fact that I'm straight in her eyes thats a double nope. I can't be close to AGs (aggressive,girls)  or anything higher than that (butch, stud), because they're like guys so again NOPE. I tell you, I feel caged sometimes. I don't feel like this free spirit blowing in the wind that dances in the sun. So many constrictions and rules. So instead I simply "spit" in peoples faces to keep them away from me because I know that I'm lovable, I know I have the power to make people fall for me. vein? no just seriously speaking. Putting myself on hold I just feel like I'm losing the light that I have/had, and the sparkle that I have/had. When people saw me I was that thing. I've been referred to as an anomaly. People gravitated to me even when I didn't want them too. Now I just feel like I blend in. Or I'm that girl that's always pissed and always upset and unpleasant to be around. Mind you me being unpleasant was something I used to turn on and off because I wanted to keep certain people away. Now it just seems to stay on regardless. And it's hard. I don't like feeling like I can't have a certain type of friend, because my friends were never one type. But curse me for being able to see were discomfort would set in for her. because if it were me it would drive me nuts. I just can't handle feeling so disgusting. ( I don't really having a closing sentence to end this so deal with it)

-eLLe

Some sorta way?

I'm feeling soo bombarded with emotions. Feeling like I'm not allowed to feel curtain things. I guess I brought that on myself. I created that. So now that I feel a certain way and created this "Image" I'm not allowed. I certainly feel very "Lykke Li- Everybody But Me", spot lights and loud sounds and a very defensive hand trying to block out the lights, duck and motherfucking cover.  Defend my honor. I just don't want to hear the "I told you so's" in fact don't even think about it. Cuz YOU'RE WRONG! you don't know shit. I really am put together I don't need anyone telling me my business. I just feel what I feel. Feeling like I'm not allowed. Well you know what fuck it. I don't give a shit! I miss you. yeaup I do. I hold people very close to me, even though I push like mad to keep you away from me. Been so afraid of confronting those feelings. Solidifying those thoughts. But in talking to myself I put it out in the universe. No taking it back. I just cannot have it all mixed up. He's that forbidden fruit. It seems so alluring duh, but when you're in a relationship you don't want to confuse the two, missing somebody because you just miss them, or wanting to be back with him. It is what it is, I can't completely cut off my arm and expect to never miss it! maybe my appendix or tonsil but not an arm or even a toe. and you know what? I wouldn't want him to just dismiss me in return, it's rude. Two years and some change, first love and you didn't make an impact on them and visa versa then thats truly sad. I'm just torn. So many thought's in my head with no option to explore just left with a bunch of words and assumptions and expectations from everybody else, that, Thank you but no thanks, I don't want your commentary! The more I write, type and think about it... I like where I am, I like being with her. It doesn't make sense to some, doesn't always make sense to me, but i don't feel like trying to make sense of it. Cuz it is what it is? I woulda miss out on the people i've met. Maybe I woulda met better people. But I woulda been living and thinking inside the box. A box that I lived in for two years. Nothing wrong with it, just not a box a want to be in. I do miss you! I do think about you! I do wish you well. But I don't wish for regression and I think that's what's gonna happen if I don't take the road less traveled by.

-eLLe

baby's and their MOTHERS!!

Alright so on some realness, I'm sooo damn tired of new moms! yeaup i said, I'm really aggravated with their lack of self placement in this world. I'm sorry but seriously stop coddling your kids, you're not the only one they'll ever need in their lives. you're still a great mom even if you're not still "breast feeding" til' they're 4. And you know what if they have a good time with someone else holding them or playing with them, please don't throw yourself out of the damn window! yet again I reiterate, NOT THE ONLY ONE! what pisses me off even more is when moms act like they impregnated themselves. Cuz clearly women produce the sperm and the egg. I'm not insensitive, I am aware of the fact that there is 9 months worth of bond-ation (yes thats right) that takes place. and even more with breast feeding but um really lets not get carried away. I have witnessed on many occasions, moms disregarding the baby's father because they feel like they just have no clue as to what is going. and of coarse the whole notion that "mom's know best". FUCK UP, it's not always knowing best, it's "knowing" that you feel like the man doesn't do it like you, so they are inadequate. believe me you don't have to say those words cuz basically you're saying it in your actions. The funny part is, then women complain like the man isn't around or doesn't help out enough. Maybe if you quit your damn bitching, maybe he will. Stop being a neurotic ass and lighten the fuck up! you're gonna be doing everyone a big service, even yourself. I see moms that come into my shop with their newborns, completely not paying attention to their babies. The second that their babies start laughing and smiling with me or anybody else all of a sudden there they are like sharks and all of their energy is now focused on mom yet again. Like seriously mom it kills you that much that your kid could have a good time with anybody else? WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN THEY GO THROUGH THE "I HATE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT" MODE? I'm just saying, cut the umbilical chord,  cool it down. stop with this whole putting your baby on a damn pedestal. Remember the love for your baby should not replace the love for their dad, they are two separate loves. I'm telling you, it's not rocket science,  love your baby regardless be a loving parent hell yea, be proud, but don't get crazy! you're gonna piss a lot of people off, maybe even your kid in the future. I'm just saying (A) remember you didn't create motherhood, so cut it out! (B) you WILL NOT and SHOULD NOT be the only relationship in the babies life, so cut it out! (C) if yo baby daddy is a decent guy, then let him parent too, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE, so cut it out! (D) learn to cut the umbilical chord with the coddling, it's only gonna hurt you more as they get older, so cut it out!!!! and (E) keep it healthy, not obsessive!, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!

Okay bye!!!
eLLe*