No mans land

      It's the itch. Stop drinking. Do not feed into it. And the song that plays " you can't run from yourself". What the fcuk. IM NOT RUNNING. And for the first time I see that I'm not running. But boy do I wish I had. I'm annoying myself! I'm so tired of hearing myself. I wish to hit myself with a silent stick. Turn down bitch! Uber drive me around all night. Give me a thorough driving tour of Boston. Keep playing those tunes. Street lights, statues, buildings. Montage. Take me home this isn't fun anymore. I don't want to ride this ride anymore. I miss the days when there were restrictions. No this ride doesn't give a fcuk. Life doesn't give two shits.
        To think that this will occur again and again and again. The feeling of stifled voice. And clipped Achilles' tendon. Confusion, excessive aggression. I need to run. I need not to be here. Paranoid desperate. Trying to let God. My prayers become more and more pathetic. I can't lose it. I'm angry. And growing angrier by the second. How can one girl be so rich and still feel like she has nothing?
It's your perception, What you're choosing to focus on. I can't help but to choose her. And that's why I'm banging my head against the wall. I hate that I choose her all the time. I need to go.

Elyse

Current song(s):

Let it go

    I lost it, I just fcuking lost it. Yesterday was just one kick in the stomach after another. All within a 5 hour span. Was it anything earth shattering not really. But definitely something that plays to my weakness and that's letting go. It's a hard concept for me. Of coarse, I call momma! I really do wish that the world could hear some of the shit she says! I can't deal with her. And as I was soaking in all of her wisdom... (Cue the second blow)
     My grandmothers house is going up for auction ( jaw dropped). And I just lost it. I can't let go of that house. It's not a matter of can't. I have no choice. And even though my mom says she okay about it. I don't believe her. She's like I haven't driven by the house since peach cut the maple tree in the front yard... ( wait what!!!!!). Are you serious? Now all the grand kids are just stuck and at a loss because we're not ready. But we can't afford it. All I can think of is the Brady bunch movie, like we all need to come together and enter a contest that offers a prize money amount that's enough to save a house and we show up at the nick of time. And I'm in Boston. LET GO. The house hasn't been the same anyway since she died. But it was grandmas house. So may memories and no way to truly express how I feel about it. There's no way to fix this. Cherish what memories came from that place and pay it forward. Build a house and a family and foundation right. How? Don't rush it, be financially stable first. Don't get hasty because you want something now. You'll then compromise your expectations and settle.
     I wanna get over there and have a minute alone. I don't know how possible that's gonna be. And that's what kills me. Watching something slip out of your fingers and having no control over it. My emotions are like a wild animal that can't be tamed and I can't control those either. Maybe I'm doing better than I think but it's not feeling that way.
     ANDD as I try to figure out how to revamp my trip home this weekend with jb. I get my final blows. And I'm on system overload! I can't deal, I lay quiet and watch Orange is the New Black. Which turned into an awesome roommate session of red wine and back to back episodes of Portlandia. Wait rewind, I don't drink wine. OH but I did last night and when the bottle was through we popped champagne. It was such a drunken high I wasn't used to. According to my roomie I was giggly and childish hahaha! I just shut the world and my brain off and said nope not today. I'm still not ready to open Pandora's box but I really have to figure out my trip home. Ugh I'm so not interested in this transaction.
        All these things are not earth shattering just sucky and the only resolve is to just cry, vent whatever. And then let it go

*eLyse

Current Song (s):

This Use to be my playground- Madonna
Reconsider (Jamie xx remix) - the xx
Intro- The Xx
Paper aeroplanes- Julia and Augustus
Black bird- The Beatles

Happy Anniversary Boston

           Happy One year! I've survived Boston for a year! I can remember eating dinner with my mother up here and after her seeing how much I would retreat when discussing my experience up here she says to me " Do you want to move back home?!" She was so concerned. She was reassuring me that it was okay if I felt like I really couldn't manage this on my own. I wanted to go home, soooo bad, but I said No, quietly and with the utmost of terror in my heart that I couldn't do it. She didn't believe me. She wanted to save me because she knows I'm the baby. This was huge for me, and this was truly the farthest I've been away from my mother (I'm kind of really attached to my mom). I think she had a sheer streak of panic as well. All of that to say, I remember how much I was starting to second guess my being up here. I'm glad I didn't give up.
          Speaking of giving up, I'm even happier that I didn't give up on JB. In my previous blogs I was like running for the hills. I was not about getting hurt. But in trying to protect myself I was essentially not allowing myself to be happy. Thus, I was hurting myself. In my head, if I hurt myself that's okay. But others were NOT allowed. In the words of Kevin Hart "ya'll gon learn today!". And I definitely did! Sitting on pins and needles wondering if my "wall" had officially pissed her off for good. Man talk about damage control! That shit is not cute and really, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! Ryan and Peach coached me through my "come to jesus moment". It was hard because I'm soooo FAALLKKKIINNNGGGG Stubborn!! and when I've made up my mind and the gate is closed... BYE FELICIA! I didn't want to be that way... not with her anyway. I saw myself being a 40 something year old woman pushing people out, still having a hard time accepting myself (cough cough peach cough cough) and I said "NOPE ain't bout that life". One of the Best decisions I've ever made.
           Speaking of Best decisions ever made, I recently left my job at the restaurant and got back into skin care and cosmetics world. Only I work for a cute boutique in boston that is all about healthy wholesome and safe products whilst being high performance. But it's been such an eye opening experience thus far. I'm so excited to see where it takes me! I think this is the first time that "relocating" was not the reason for my leaving a company. I love Boston and it really has been doing great things for me and my relationships. I've been really putting myself to the test and seeing what I'm made of. I really want to throw myself an anniversary party for myself, yo I'm mad proud of myself! As I should be. Slow and steady.
            But I've getting that "yo your life is about to take off" and maybe it's not... But I like when I get that feeling like everything is about to get more interesting, but it is all coming together and you're gonna be alright kid!

       Here's to Boston and really being able to flourish and really find my own.

*Elysium

 Current Song (s):

Don't Look Back- TelepopMusik

oh, hey world!

      My gosh I'm in such a weird space today, Almost like a funk. Like so off... Okay you know what that's not fair. Things have been all too perfect and joyous and right now, I guess I'm just experiencing the float back to reality. I need to be taking the advice that I gave to Peach and that is: To look at it from another lens.
      So I'm gonna focus on how overwhelmingly amazing it is to actually have a relationship with my second oldest sister. I truly NEVER saw that as a possibility in life. I was so prepared to treat her the way she treated me growing up. But let's face all the facts... My family is annoying but super dope as fcuk. To be able to talk and share with my sister as if she is friend so so unexpected. Part of me feels like if I drop the grudge then I am a sell out because I "made a vow" to keep her as an enemy and I always keep my word! The other side of me feels like "Well, I'm older now and things change, people grow up" and change scares the shit out of me (when I'm not the one controlling it). But seriously,  She tells me things that others don't know!!! We laugh about old situations! I can call her and discuss old bullshit and she knows how to be like "yea gurl ya buggin" and I'm not combative! AT ALL!! WHHHAAAATTTT???! THAT SHIT CRAY!! I've been fighting the idea of having my sisters in my life in anyway, I'm always like "OH NO!". But it really is nice, and something that I've always wanted! Honestly, Pride really is no fun unless its for a parade. Speaking of pride, I've actually been recently telling my aunt that she needs to cut the nonsense and she's been doing the same to me and, well, no ones combative and it feels good. She's raised me and for a while I felt like if I ever said anything to her she'd shut me down so quick! it was like she had an internal "panic button" and she's always quick to use it... Not this time, she let me have an opinion! and that's all I really wanted from her.
      The air around me may feel stale today but that's going to happen. It's literally like me dissecting every situation that I'm in and trying to figure out how it can be handled better than my usual. And then sometimes I have to say "hey elle, maybe it will handle itself, stop trying just let it be." and whenever I want to trust that feeling, I'm scared as fcuk and I'm like no I really just can't let go of my control. But I'm trying. And that's mainly because I'm exhausted from exhausting every situation. Can't even be sure I know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it...
       Dare I say it, allowing yourself to be happy is bit of a chore. Well in the beginning it is. It's all very new. It's a lot of communicating, a lot of letting go, a lot more owning especially with how you feel. and as my sister once told me, not taking myself too seriously sometimes. A major thing for me is to not take happiness away from myself. I must not think I deserve happiness because I'm quick to shut shit down before it has a chance. I prepare for things that haven't happened and may not even happen but I can't take that chance and then I'm mad at the world. SHIT AINT RIGHT!
       All in all Boston is doing some great things for me! I've been here for a year and it's been a great one! I'm hella excited to see what's to come!

*Elle

Current Song (s):

Black Bird- The Beatles

Too strong?

           Years ago, " The one who shall not be named" brought up the fact that maybe she's "not a strong as me".  Almost as if to say that I'm so hard and rigid maybe. Like I'm really "this is right and that's wrong" and that's the end of the story. Well over the years I've paid close attention to myself and my actions, others actions etc. Sometimes I'd come down on myself like why can';t you just play along? Why do you have to be such a buzz kill? Why can't I just join in all the reindeer games? My advice is so black and white, I can't really give you answers you want to here.That's dishonest. I come across as very cold and i'm not understanding. Thing is I do understand, But now, now I understand that we are all caught up in the reality show that we've created for ourselves. It's really fun to indulge in our problems and pretend that we don't see what's happening in front of us because in our minds we feel like everyone is watching intently to see what our next moves are. and Me? I'm the girl that tells you the truth. I'm the reminder that well, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! and well we're all over it! stop playing damsel in distress, it was cute for about 5 minutes but we're over it. Hell I even have to do that to myself, I rain on my own parade. My point is, maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. It's hard to have discipline but that's not a bad thing. You're not masochistic, you just chose to attempt to follow the same advice you'd give someone else. My thing is, you know what's right for you and you know whats not. Don't complain about something just to give yourself importance. and stop complaining about the shit you love to do and repeatedly do. It's annoying. What gets me is when people act as though they don't know how to fix a problem.granted some people don't. But majority do, they just want their cake, and everybody else's cake too and they want you to say it's okay.I really don't like to do that.
              So where am I right now? I'm trying to decide if I like my level of strength. Is it too much? Am I not understanding enough? How much gray can I add before I start to feel like I'm compromising myself too much. Do I really want to compromise. or am I just complaining and being a damsel in distress? I think I already know my answer.

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Carry on wayward son

      When in doubt, "Drag" it out. "To Wong Fu" was just the ticket needed to take me to ultimate sleepy land. Could I be more restless? Yes because restless is the beautiful ribbon that's tied in a bow around all my disappointment. I am exaggerating just a bit but it sucks. Hey guess what I was smart enough to not make the same mistake! It totally counts for something. I didn't force it. I want my way but that's just not going to happen! It's really not the smartest move,  I have NO control over this situation, Yeaup I said that shit. Well here's to never hearing from her again... And here is to... Barcelona! Here's to working, and grinding and being the queen I really am, I'm not getting distracted this time. I want this, and this wants me.
     Today I shall get up pay my bills, stretch it out in class and try to be as present as I possibly can. Cease every network opportunity and werq! I'm so young. What's that saying youth's wasted on the young? You damn right! And I refuse to have it wasted on this beautiful piece of ass!

*Elysium

A dream is a wish your heart makes- Cinderella
Defying Gravity- wicked
Strut- cheetah Girls
Flawless- Beyoncé
Do my thang- Miley Cyrus
Carry on Wayward son- Kansas

Here's to the road ahead.

     I really wanted to cry but the thing is, I had no tears to give. Also you know that moment, when you find yourself talking about something that you've been talking about for the longest time, and as you talk about it you're like... Ugh bitch it's over and done with. Well. My come to Jesus moment; my family is my family, I'd rather be super close with my mom because she's an amazing one, my sisters are stupid bitches but when I needed them they were there for me, my dad's tom foolery adds for comic relief (if I can allow myself to laugh at the fact that he's just a lost cause and stop being so sensitive) and I'm just a queen, a head strong, passionate queen that flips out whenever given the opportunity. I don't need to like them all the time. And to be quite honest it might benefit me to make that vocal more often. Anyway to keep painting this picture of this terrible family that I have I quite childish. Because they are in no way terrible. They're human they suck. I can choose to fcuk with them when I want to or back the fcuk off. It took me years to learn that. It also took me to last month and really last night to realize. I'm not uncle Rico. The past happened. Most of it happened exactly the way you saw it happening. And whilst I will always reflect on the past, I'm just not there anymore. I don't want to be, dude it's lame. And as much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. I think that possibly, It's time to stop denying what I want, I guess I've just been sorting it all out and trying to figure out just what exactly is that?
I'll continue onward. Set backs aren't the end. They are annoying but I don't know whatever.


*Elysium

Current song(s):