Shut your brain off dude

    I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Just wasn't ready to go home. I found myself at the commons. Sitting in our spot. Wanting to text her, but not really. I didn't know what to make of the txt I got. Normally it would be whatever but I almost feel like life is repeating itself? 

     He txt'd me after a year asking to hang out and of course I'm like yea we can meet somewhere. That's about all I could do at that very moment. Funny thing is I left work thinking to myself "I just want to be in my bed and cuddle..." But when the opportunity presented itself I wasn't about it, AT ALL.  Usually I could go with the flow. But I really wasn't about it. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a year. I don't wanna romp with you. If we're just cuddling why do I have to be emotionally available to you because you told me you aint bout that life. Now you come across a girl that's not falling all over you and it's problem... That's where I checked out the first time. 

     Rochester made her guest appearance again a few days ago. The thought of me moving back to NY left her with the hope that there would be a little more of an us. It was sweet yes but not realistic in the slightest. Me and Rush hang out and talk more like we did a year ago, before we stopped. Same with the bohemian rhapsody... I look at this time last year and see the characters coming back and the timing seams very accurate. and in the order kind of. 

      Thing is I don't feel like I did anything wrong, like there was a lesson that needed to be learned, so this is going to continue until the lesson is learned. I loved this past year with Boston. It has been a real year. Very action packed. I'm over thinking it aint I? None the less, I just needed to not for about two seconds or 10. 

     I wanted to feel connected to her, I wanted very badly to put her in earshot of my name. I just don't know anymore. You work so hard to distance yourself from it all that you end up back in it. 

I'm treading and getting a little tired. Between worrying about how to make sure that my ends are met, doing what needs to be done, for now and future career and job and money and creatively feeding the soul... Wondering if a person still thinks about me as much as I'd like them to, in the way that i'd like them to, I'm just not in a mind zone to care. I really need to get through this weekend. All this networking is awesome but making me anxious because I can't pay bills on hope.

     I don't know what to make of it all... that's my biggest challenge... it is what it is ... there's nothing to make of it. Don't try to. 

ELyse

Current song (s): 

Any Other Name- Thomas Newman

Infinity- The Xx

Call it what you want

       It's that moment, a rude awakening. Some call it negative, pessimistic, realist, devils advocator etc. I don't know what I would call it, maybe just my thoughts? I can't be disney ALL the time. Man I'm killing moods left and right. They say if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all... Why is that? We're raised on "be honest" and then you're honest and it's wrong, that's not "appropriate" when is it ever appropriate, I mean really, let's think about this... ORRR Possibly because you just come off like a hater. That's probably it. "Just play along, let them have their moment, don't be a selfish bitter bitch." Yet somehow, today, these thought bubbles form into words and these words pour out "involuntarily". I may or may not need to work on my filter. So if I can't say it, can I use the side eye instead?
       I guess I'm feeling really controversial. Like I wanna debate, I wanna ruffle feathers make people uncomfortable. I have these thoughts who can I share them with? not the people around me that's for damn sure. I know how I should feel about Veterans Day today but leave it to me to feel opposite. Leave it to me to go into structural injustices of America. Leave it to me to not want to play along in reindeer games. A woman made a comment about catholics today and I side eyed her so hard... I tried so hard not to be condescending. Like how arrogant am I that I need to try to shatter people and their beliefs. as she proceeded to tell me that catholics love everybody... (i'm just going to sip my tea) That's great in theory but um humans are involved so that's just not true. And as I've gone to many a catholic churches and other churches I can honestly say that sorry you're inaccurate. But again, who the hell am I to go around bursting bubbles. Today really is not the day for me to have an opinion. Cuz I've got too much opinion that often rubs people the wrong way and maybe it's because I feel the need to express them. For the record I did not say anything to the woman about her catholic love. I just side eyed her. and minded my business as she was not talking to me. I digress
       Here's the thing. I apologize for it, because my opinions makes people uncomfortable. Like why can't your opinions be just as pretty as you are? WHY do they have to be? Why do I have to exist in a way that makes people more comfortable. Maybe sometimes I'm really controversial, and then maybe sometimes I'm really not and I could give two shits. Either way it's me, I shouldn't apologize for it, just maybe surround myself with people that will allow for a POV session and get it out. Idk I think today is just not my day for spreading the love and uplifting word.
      I'm just praying that no one else approaches me with more thought provoking concepts because I just can't. I'm trying to curb my enthusiasm and I'm slightly failing. Just a Smidgen I need some sleep.

Elle

Current Song(s):

Flume- Insane

The chase

             But the truth is I want to be sought after. I mean really thats all that can be said. Nor do I think it's a ridiculous request. I think I've put myself through enough torture. Agonizing and over analyzing everything, down to the very last drop. It's totally not in my cards right now and it's actually okay. But I know that when I'm truly down for a person I will drop everything and go and follow and do whatever they want. I'll try to be a billy badass and refuse because I should be practical but my heart always wants to put a person first. It's not healthy. and I know it's not healthy because I get so tired of giving and giving and giving that it tips my scales and I'm selfish as fcuk. And then at that point it's just a wrap. I've never really found that balance. oops... I'm not mad about it, I just know now... nope nope nope, I just accept it now. Yea that's better.
             I am many things. Sometimes all at once even. I cannot apologize for that. and I'm not anymore. I think that wall that I've been trying to build back is finally coming back. Truthfully I dig it. Maybe that's why I didn't take her number. I only gave her mine. my thought process is such that if you want to txt me you can, but I will not chase you. The only thing this girl is chasing after is her dream. I need to keep that dream in view. I get side track so hard and will forget everything. I'm finally getting around to being motivated again.
              So you're like, what is she talking about? I met a girl, so stupidly delicious! she was that 80's early 90's heart throb that made all the girls swoon. and somehow I managed to claim it that night. Now usually I'm like lets exchange numbers. but this time I said you know what? you take mine before you leave. If she contacts she contacts and if not thats fine too. Because I know if I had her number I'd be like obsessing and getting eager and putting myself out there and distracted and I'm like nope not this time. Do what you want. At this point I'm so up in the air with living situations and job situations that I don't want a like interest to be the reason I pass up a good opportunity or make me not try as hard. That's what happened with my last ex. I stopped pushing so hard to go to Barcelona because I could tell she thought I'd just up and leave her. So to show her I was loyal to her, I said fcuk it. and we're not even together anymore. Granted I've been doing some wonderful things out here. But to be fair I'd do great things anywhere I go. And the point is, for as lonely as I get sometimes, I was never driven by love. By having that perfect relationship. aspiring to be in that perfect relationship. I was always driven by doing what I love and something I'm proud of. All the other stuff is minor to me. Yet somehow, I tend to get caught up in all the heresy of relational matters that I start to second guess myself. It's just not necessary..what ever will be will be. I'm getting a hold of my life, I don't wanna lose focus... I also know I'm dope as shit. So why am I putting out all the effort. NOPE bye felicia! cause when a persons worthy of you, they will do whatever it takes to show you that they are. and right now nobody is! sorry bout it.

ELysium

Current song(s):
U2- Sleep like a baby tonight

No mans land

      It's the itch. Stop drinking. Do not feed into it. And the song that plays " you can't run from yourself". What the fcuk. IM NOT RUNNING. And for the first time I see that I'm not running. But boy do I wish I had. I'm annoying myself! I'm so tired of hearing myself. I wish to hit myself with a silent stick. Turn down bitch! Uber drive me around all night. Give me a thorough driving tour of Boston. Keep playing those tunes. Street lights, statues, buildings. Montage. Take me home this isn't fun anymore. I don't want to ride this ride anymore. I miss the days when there were restrictions. No this ride doesn't give a fcuk. Life doesn't give two shits.
        To think that this will occur again and again and again. The feeling of stifled voice. And clipped Achilles' tendon. Confusion, excessive aggression. I need to run. I need not to be here. Paranoid desperate. Trying to let God. My prayers become more and more pathetic. I can't lose it. I'm angry. And growing angrier by the second. How can one girl be so rich and still feel like she has nothing?
It's your perception, What you're choosing to focus on. I can't help but to choose her. And that's why I'm banging my head against the wall. I hate that I choose her all the time. I need to go.

Elyse

Current song(s):

Let it go

    I lost it, I just fcuking lost it. Yesterday was just one kick in the stomach after another. All within a 5 hour span. Was it anything earth shattering not really. But definitely something that plays to my weakness and that's letting go. It's a hard concept for me. Of coarse, I call momma! I really do wish that the world could hear some of the shit she says! I can't deal with her. And as I was soaking in all of her wisdom... (Cue the second blow)
     My grandmothers house is going up for auction ( jaw dropped). And I just lost it. I can't let go of that house. It's not a matter of can't. I have no choice. And even though my mom says she okay about it. I don't believe her. She's like I haven't driven by the house since peach cut the maple tree in the front yard... ( wait what!!!!!). Are you serious? Now all the grand kids are just stuck and at a loss because we're not ready. But we can't afford it. All I can think of is the Brady bunch movie, like we all need to come together and enter a contest that offers a prize money amount that's enough to save a house and we show up at the nick of time. And I'm in Boston. LET GO. The house hasn't been the same anyway since she died. But it was grandmas house. So may memories and no way to truly express how I feel about it. There's no way to fix this. Cherish what memories came from that place and pay it forward. Build a house and a family and foundation right. How? Don't rush it, be financially stable first. Don't get hasty because you want something now. You'll then compromise your expectations and settle.
     I wanna get over there and have a minute alone. I don't know how possible that's gonna be. And that's what kills me. Watching something slip out of your fingers and having no control over it. My emotions are like a wild animal that can't be tamed and I can't control those either. Maybe I'm doing better than I think but it's not feeling that way.
     ANDD as I try to figure out how to revamp my trip home this weekend with jb. I get my final blows. And I'm on system overload! I can't deal, I lay quiet and watch Orange is the New Black. Which turned into an awesome roommate session of red wine and back to back episodes of Portlandia. Wait rewind, I don't drink wine. OH but I did last night and when the bottle was through we popped champagne. It was such a drunken high I wasn't used to. According to my roomie I was giggly and childish hahaha! I just shut the world and my brain off and said nope not today. I'm still not ready to open Pandora's box but I really have to figure out my trip home. Ugh I'm so not interested in this transaction.
        All these things are not earth shattering just sucky and the only resolve is to just cry, vent whatever. And then let it go

*eLyse

Current Song (s):

This Use to be my playground- Madonna
Reconsider (Jamie xx remix) - the xx
Intro- The Xx
Paper aeroplanes- Julia and Augustus
Black bird- The Beatles

Happy Anniversary Boston

           Happy One year! I've survived Boston for a year! I can remember eating dinner with my mother up here and after her seeing how much I would retreat when discussing my experience up here she says to me " Do you want to move back home?!" She was so concerned. She was reassuring me that it was okay if I felt like I really couldn't manage this on my own. I wanted to go home, soooo bad, but I said No, quietly and with the utmost of terror in my heart that I couldn't do it. She didn't believe me. She wanted to save me because she knows I'm the baby. This was huge for me, and this was truly the farthest I've been away from my mother (I'm kind of really attached to my mom). I think she had a sheer streak of panic as well. All of that to say, I remember how much I was starting to second guess my being up here. I'm glad I didn't give up.
          Speaking of giving up, I'm even happier that I didn't give up on JB. In my previous blogs I was like running for the hills. I was not about getting hurt. But in trying to protect myself I was essentially not allowing myself to be happy. Thus, I was hurting myself. In my head, if I hurt myself that's okay. But others were NOT allowed. In the words of Kevin Hart "ya'll gon learn today!". And I definitely did! Sitting on pins and needles wondering if my "wall" had officially pissed her off for good. Man talk about damage control! That shit is not cute and really, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! Ryan and Peach coached me through my "come to jesus moment". It was hard because I'm soooo FAALLKKKIINNNGGGG Stubborn!! and when I've made up my mind and the gate is closed... BYE FELICIA! I didn't want to be that way... not with her anyway. I saw myself being a 40 something year old woman pushing people out, still having a hard time accepting myself (cough cough peach cough cough) and I said "NOPE ain't bout that life". One of the Best decisions I've ever made.
           Speaking of Best decisions ever made, I recently left my job at the restaurant and got back into skin care and cosmetics world. Only I work for a cute boutique in boston that is all about healthy wholesome and safe products whilst being high performance. But it's been such an eye opening experience thus far. I'm so excited to see where it takes me! I think this is the first time that "relocating" was not the reason for my leaving a company. I love Boston and it really has been doing great things for me and my relationships. I've been really putting myself to the test and seeing what I'm made of. I really want to throw myself an anniversary party for myself, yo I'm mad proud of myself! As I should be. Slow and steady.
            But I've getting that "yo your life is about to take off" and maybe it's not... But I like when I get that feeling like everything is about to get more interesting, but it is all coming together and you're gonna be alright kid!

       Here's to Boston and really being able to flourish and really find my own.

*Elysium

 Current Song (s):

Don't Look Back- TelepopMusik

oh, hey world!

      My gosh I'm in such a weird space today, Almost like a funk. Like so off... Okay you know what that's not fair. Things have been all too perfect and joyous and right now, I guess I'm just experiencing the float back to reality. I need to be taking the advice that I gave to Peach and that is: To look at it from another lens.
      So I'm gonna focus on how overwhelmingly amazing it is to actually have a relationship with my second oldest sister. I truly NEVER saw that as a possibility in life. I was so prepared to treat her the way she treated me growing up. But let's face all the facts... My family is annoying but super dope as fcuk. To be able to talk and share with my sister as if she is friend so so unexpected. Part of me feels like if I drop the grudge then I am a sell out because I "made a vow" to keep her as an enemy and I always keep my word! The other side of me feels like "Well, I'm older now and things change, people grow up" and change scares the shit out of me (when I'm not the one controlling it). But seriously,  She tells me things that others don't know!!! We laugh about old situations! I can call her and discuss old bullshit and she knows how to be like "yea gurl ya buggin" and I'm not combative! AT ALL!! WHHHAAAATTTT???! THAT SHIT CRAY!! I've been fighting the idea of having my sisters in my life in anyway, I'm always like "OH NO!". But it really is nice, and something that I've always wanted! Honestly, Pride really is no fun unless its for a parade. Speaking of pride, I've actually been recently telling my aunt that she needs to cut the nonsense and she's been doing the same to me and, well, no ones combative and it feels good. She's raised me and for a while I felt like if I ever said anything to her she'd shut me down so quick! it was like she had an internal "panic button" and she's always quick to use it... Not this time, she let me have an opinion! and that's all I really wanted from her.
      The air around me may feel stale today but that's going to happen. It's literally like me dissecting every situation that I'm in and trying to figure out how it can be handled better than my usual. And then sometimes I have to say "hey elle, maybe it will handle itself, stop trying just let it be." and whenever I want to trust that feeling, I'm scared as fcuk and I'm like no I really just can't let go of my control. But I'm trying. And that's mainly because I'm exhausted from exhausting every situation. Can't even be sure I know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it...
       Dare I say it, allowing yourself to be happy is bit of a chore. Well in the beginning it is. It's all very new. It's a lot of communicating, a lot of letting go, a lot more owning especially with how you feel. and as my sister once told me, not taking myself too seriously sometimes. A major thing for me is to not take happiness away from myself. I must not think I deserve happiness because I'm quick to shut shit down before it has a chance. I prepare for things that haven't happened and may not even happen but I can't take that chance and then I'm mad at the world. SHIT AINT RIGHT!
       All in all Boston is doing some great things for me! I've been here for a year and it's been a great one! I'm hella excited to see what's to come!

*Elle

Current Song (s):

Black Bird- The Beatles