So I haven't been writing here because I've been writing in my journal. I've been consulting with friends, I've been with friends trying to get my life together. And it's not been. I love Boston but I'm feeling a way I'm feeling something. And mainly just sad. I can't even write in this stupid thing. I don't feel it. So you know what, here it is. If I could I talk to her: Bell I told you getting over you wasn't gonna be something I could do! Still haven't. Ugh I'm so frustrated. I'm so pissed. I'm hurt. Stop it, stop it, STOP! Fucking stop. Guess what I love you, Isabella. Never stopped. NEVER FUCKING STOPPED. I'm nauseous.
*Elyse
Current song:
Wash it away- Evanescence
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
BE HERE, NOW
So my show is today. My debut performance. and of course I'm at check out phase. I find it so hard to stay in the moment. My mind is on getting back to Boston and not being too tired for opening duties. and Trying not to fuck it up. It's also on how can I make this paper, I'm thinking of getting a second job. I'm also light weight looking at apartments. I'm thinking about how I'll get to barcelona. How will I continue to sing more. How can I continue to perform and be on stage. I'm over the go go dancing. I do because it's fun and its a way to perform but I'm over the club life, I don't have as much of a tolerance as I've had before. Instead of writing this blog I could be still rehearsing and making sure I have my bag packed for today but I am the queen of avoidance. Which will come back and smack me in the face if I don't nip it in the butt. I need my second wind. I'm so distracted by my solitude, that i'm pursuing happiness on the wrong path. Listen honey, love is not in your cards right now. we've created a blueprint and now we lay the foundation, it has to be a solid one. I guess I'm nervous because I don't have anything else set up for me as far as singing goes, although my job says I can perform there. and the search for a band continues. only this time its gotta be more blues and jazz. Gimme that soul. But I'm getting besides myself and that's where I go wrong. I need to be here now. I have to worry about what's in front of me right now, not what could be in front of me down the road. This show is whats now and I need to be prepared for that. You have to count every show like its your breaking moment, like there are officials in the audience and you're about to cut a deal. or think about it as you're already established either way people came to see a show and a show is what you will give them! PERIOD!
*eLyse
Current song (s): Whatever Lola Wants- Sara Vaughn
*eLyse
Current song (s): Whatever Lola Wants- Sara Vaughn
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Two years down / Girl, Bye
I want to officially congratulate myself, two years of not being with someone seriously. Although you could question me and ly. I'll get back to that one. But as for my congratulations, well it's rather hard to make an acceptance speech when you can't really tell if you've truly gotten over her or not. I was on the phone with Spongebob for quick sometime yelling at her. And by yelling at her I mean yell to the void that, that bitch left me with. Demanding answers that I'll never get. Wanting truths that I'd never believe. Two years later and I'm still just as angry. Idk if I'm moving forward or backward. I'm at a standstill... I feel like I've tried everything I could think of. I even moved to Boston... And seriously the next stop is out of this country. Heavy. I am a heavy heart to carry. And it is true "I love you never felt like any blessing" in fact it never does...
I told ly that I loved her. Because I do. And as I assess the what we were, what we are, what we have and what we had. It's time to say GIRLBYE! I didn't want to give up so easily on her because I love her. I tell myself be patient and understanding. Just chill out. But if there is one thing I know about us is that, we are kindered spirits. But this is "Kermit" all over again. The push and the pull, the struggle. He drove me batshit!!! BATSHIT!! I let him get away with murder, I damn near gave him the knife. And I went back for years. Because I felt guilty for being a major bitch in high school, and when we were on. Ugh gosh we were so on. I loved him and he loved me. We were not it for each other. But I would have spent a lifetime going back and forth with him because I kinda liked it. Only he would never give himself to me. He'd just continue to watch me with others and then criticize me for it. And make me feel bad for not being with him. Truth is. He wasn't bout that life and he never was. And Ly? She's falling into that same pattern. If it were a friend in that position I'd be like GIRLBYE but as much as I'd like to lie to myself. I cannot. She's a sweet girl and lame one. And lame because she doesn't want me. I want her to want me. Then again she does but there is no action behind it, and that's where the lame comes in.
So now once again I have to detox from this girl, purge her existence out of my life, she cannot stay. And she doesn't want to. Those speeches she gives me are farce and I will not give her warning. I'm just done. No crying wolf, just GIRLBYE!! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! It's not saying much for the standards I keep for myself and its not fair to me. I'm trying hard not appologize for myself and say yeaup that's who I am. But these moments always make me feel "lesser than". I'm worthy enough to be the greatest person you know but not worthy enough to be the greatest girlfriend. And maybe I don't want to be that yet, and I just like playing house. It's just such a process. And here I go building those walls back up. And I know I say this all the time. But no one is getting through. Not this time! Nope aint gonna happen.
*ELyse
Current song (s):
Portishead- Humming
I told ly that I loved her. Because I do. And as I assess the what we were, what we are, what we have and what we had. It's time to say GIRLBYE! I didn't want to give up so easily on her because I love her. I tell myself be patient and understanding. Just chill out. But if there is one thing I know about us is that, we are kindered spirits. But this is "Kermit" all over again. The push and the pull, the struggle. He drove me batshit!!! BATSHIT!! I let him get away with murder, I damn near gave him the knife. And I went back for years. Because I felt guilty for being a major bitch in high school, and when we were on. Ugh gosh we were so on. I loved him and he loved me. We were not it for each other. But I would have spent a lifetime going back and forth with him because I kinda liked it. Only he would never give himself to me. He'd just continue to watch me with others and then criticize me for it. And make me feel bad for not being with him. Truth is. He wasn't bout that life and he never was. And Ly? She's falling into that same pattern. If it were a friend in that position I'd be like GIRLBYE but as much as I'd like to lie to myself. I cannot. She's a sweet girl and lame one. And lame because she doesn't want me. I want her to want me. Then again she does but there is no action behind it, and that's where the lame comes in.
So now once again I have to detox from this girl, purge her existence out of my life, she cannot stay. And she doesn't want to. Those speeches she gives me are farce and I will not give her warning. I'm just done. No crying wolf, just GIRLBYE!! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! It's not saying much for the standards I keep for myself and its not fair to me. I'm trying hard not appologize for myself and say yeaup that's who I am. But these moments always make me feel "lesser than". I'm worthy enough to be the greatest person you know but not worthy enough to be the greatest girlfriend. And maybe I don't want to be that yet, and I just like playing house. It's just such a process. And here I go building those walls back up. And I know I say this all the time. But no one is getting through. Not this time! Nope aint gonna happen.
*ELyse
Current song (s):
Portishead- Humming
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Give Thanks
The load lightens just a little bit. I can only Give Thanks. Feeling the angst last night of traveling, of new locations, new jobs. I had a brief panic attack on the train. It really did not help that the train had stopped and then after 5 mins started to head back towards grand central. "WRONG FCUKING DIRECTION!" Maybe if the conductor spoke in audible volume we all might have heard him... Fuck there goes my heart, "ugh what is that." numbing tingle through my body "come on elle shake it off". Breaths heavier if at all... "breathe Bitch! Breathe" "okay okay water in the bag drink that shit, shake it off, nope now the face is leaking, salty, fuck. tears. Together, Pull it!" I wan't to talk to peach so I txtd her she types "ok."... ... DAFUQ! NOPE not exactly the response I was hoping for. Earlier today she told me we can get our cards read but she wants to do my charts. I'm like what are charts. she says based on "xyz" our charts tell us who we are destined to be. Instantly I pause and I'm like NO... I've always wondered what my true calling was because I've always felt like I'm greater than what I'm allowing myself to be. Almost as if... no almost... it's because I'm afraid of my own awesomeness, I stifle myself. BUT I WILL BE DAMNED if some chart tells me who I'm destined to be. I'm destined to be whatever not because of some damn chart but because God chose me. I'm combative now. I stop and I'm just like yea sure, do my charts. So in trying to find a christian psychic, I come across a question and answer page and the answer that came of that just really clicked for me. Now I'm very into my dreams and meanings and two nights ago I had a dream that really waved a red flag. I sit wondering, WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THOUGH... and in the response that I read to a question being asked as to whether or not psychics go against christianity, she says, a lot of the times psychics go off of body language etc. TRUE. it goes on... but something I picked up was pray on what it is you are questioning and feeling. you probably already know the answer. okay in all honesty I don't really know if that snippet was in there. Sometimes the voices are so loud in my head its almost like I read it somewhere HAHAH. BUT non the less. that's what I got from it. Now recently things have been falling into place, I've been getting everything I want. and not that it's gonna go to shit... but if I were Princess Jasmine than Jesus would be Aladin and that mo fo just stuck his hand out to me and said do you trust me... and I said "What?" and he said do you trust me?! ...head nod... and I'm about to jump... and with all the hubbub and rifraf about to take place, I'll be okay if I just trust him. That's what my dream was saying... shit might hit the fan stop denying it. face it. I Like to act stupid like I don't know what's about to go down. and I'm concerned with a lot of things as I head up yonder. But God is looking out for me. I don't think I need to pay a psychic for her to bullshit her way to a reality that I already knew. Either way there will be confrontation and you have to handle them like an adult now. and that's basically speak up. DON'T GUESS Don't assume. you cause more rifraff than necessary.
Anyway I just went home and lulled myself by therapeutically stalking on facebook and singing "hallelujah" in my head... that's my next cover btw. I rambled on to the lord until I went to sleep. You that's always been a "tradition" of mine. I ramble on and on working myself into a frenzy, explaining things that he already knows about me. He probably looks at me and is like okay child, I get it. I've heard enough but I keep going so he's like go bed, I got this, and next thing you know I'm sleep and I wake up like I'm really sorry I didn't even say goodnight, and I final thanks I feel horrible that's so rude etc. he's soo over me lol
But He's already started working. I tell him my plans and he says okay. He gives me a feeling that, whilst you think thats whats gonna happen this might too so just stay alert and trust me. and I say okay. I'm soo not as stressed as I was financially. I mean I'm still concerned I'm a worry wort. But by speaking up, I got help. and as much as I like to do everything on my own or find ways to show that I have everything under control. Take the help if someone is offering. A closed mouth does not get fed. and stubbornization runs rampant in my family. All I have to say is I can't thank the lord enough... but I will try! Giving Thanks no matter how small... This bitch is fine hunty! carry on!
*ELyse
Current Song (s): none
Anyway I just went home and lulled myself by therapeutically stalking on facebook and singing "hallelujah" in my head... that's my next cover btw. I rambled on to the lord until I went to sleep. You that's always been a "tradition" of mine. I ramble on and on working myself into a frenzy, explaining things that he already knows about me. He probably looks at me and is like okay child, I get it. I've heard enough but I keep going so he's like go bed, I got this, and next thing you know I'm sleep and I wake up like I'm really sorry I didn't even say goodnight, and I final thanks I feel horrible that's so rude etc. he's soo over me lol
But He's already started working. I tell him my plans and he says okay. He gives me a feeling that, whilst you think thats whats gonna happen this might too so just stay alert and trust me. and I say okay. I'm soo not as stressed as I was financially. I mean I'm still concerned I'm a worry wort. But by speaking up, I got help. and as much as I like to do everything on my own or find ways to show that I have everything under control. Take the help if someone is offering. A closed mouth does not get fed. and stubbornization runs rampant in my family. All I have to say is I can't thank the lord enough... but I will try! Giving Thanks no matter how small... This bitch is fine hunty! carry on!
*ELyse
Current Song (s): none
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
"I Can't"
I can't even front, I'm sitting here in tears. It's been so long since I've cried and maybe it hasn't, but considering the fact that I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night or wake up in tears, it feels like it has been forever. I think it's also a combination of everything that's going on and feeling the realness of all the excitement that has been happening in ONE month. Yea shit got real in ONE month.
But I'm really thinking about it and I can't. When I think about what it means to say "I can't" I guess what I'm trying to say is I wont. I've just decided that I can't wait for her. I have a girl that lives so far away from me but is willing to try to meet up with me, when she can. I have another girl who lives across seas telling me that she's coming for my show. yet Ly tells me that she likes me, I make her feel "x" and "y" but then what is so hard? Don't tell my friends how you feel. It's irrelevant. Does it take away the fact that I love her? No. I wont take that back. But in the course of a month I have seen the possibilities. To be with her would be to settle. I have a fickle way about me. But when I know, I know and if I have to question then there's something wrong. So if you have doubts, you aint bout that life and I cannot wait for you. Things are probably not going to anywhere with Al but i'll enjoy her company if I can and Barcelona is way too far, but I will enjoy her if I can. and Tattoos?! oh tattoos? nothing will come of tattoos but she's amazing. And they're all showing me different things. Different in a way that says our differences are so different they're the same. and it brings me back to Bel. she needed to feel like the sun rose and set on her ass. and vise versa. and I get it now. Bel wasn't genuine. She was willing to get it anywhere. I'm single I want it everywhere. but ultimately I want it from one and only one. BFF says maybe it's time to put yourself on a pedestal. that I don't give myself enough credit. I put tattoos on the biggest pedestal. I fall short of her, she's bad. But you know what I am too. I am a catch, you will never have a dull moment with me, I will keep you on your toes. There will be days that you hate me. there will be days that you like me... But you will always love me. And that's what I want and I see that it's out there. I can't pretend that I'm not crazy, I am a pretty good actor. I can't pretend like I'm not mean. My tongue is too sharp. I can't pretend that I'm not flighty, stubborn, head strong, ill tempered, a diva, a princess, a know it all, a jackass. But for as much as I am those things... WHO ISN'T. I'll own my shit. I am Elyse! for all those "negatives" the positives are JUST as great. I won't pretend that I'm not romantic. I am. I won't pretend that I'm not smooth. I'm billy D williams. I wont pretend I'm not a mush. I am the biggest sap of all. I won't pretend I'm always strong. I do like to be rescued.
But I want you get the picture. I can't Pretend. and right now I'm pretending. and lets be honest. If I was something that Ly wanted. she would have taken me. I won't wait for her to eventually come around. I'm trying so hard not to get stressed out about my move and new job and show. 99 problems but a girl wont be one.
I will play my deck of cards. I'm happy for that weekend in PTown with her. I don't take anything back. But I really have to stop giving girls priority when I'm not theirs.... GIRL BYE
*ELyse
Current Song (s): None
But I'm really thinking about it and I can't. When I think about what it means to say "I can't" I guess what I'm trying to say is I wont. I've just decided that I can't wait for her. I have a girl that lives so far away from me but is willing to try to meet up with me, when she can. I have another girl who lives across seas telling me that she's coming for my show. yet Ly tells me that she likes me, I make her feel "x" and "y" but then what is so hard? Don't tell my friends how you feel. It's irrelevant. Does it take away the fact that I love her? No. I wont take that back. But in the course of a month I have seen the possibilities. To be with her would be to settle. I have a fickle way about me. But when I know, I know and if I have to question then there's something wrong. So if you have doubts, you aint bout that life and I cannot wait for you. Things are probably not going to anywhere with Al but i'll enjoy her company if I can and Barcelona is way too far, but I will enjoy her if I can. and Tattoos?! oh tattoos? nothing will come of tattoos but she's amazing. And they're all showing me different things. Different in a way that says our differences are so different they're the same. and it brings me back to Bel. she needed to feel like the sun rose and set on her ass. and vise versa. and I get it now. Bel wasn't genuine. She was willing to get it anywhere. I'm single I want it everywhere. but ultimately I want it from one and only one. BFF says maybe it's time to put yourself on a pedestal. that I don't give myself enough credit. I put tattoos on the biggest pedestal. I fall short of her, she's bad. But you know what I am too. I am a catch, you will never have a dull moment with me, I will keep you on your toes. There will be days that you hate me. there will be days that you like me... But you will always love me. And that's what I want and I see that it's out there. I can't pretend that I'm not crazy, I am a pretty good actor. I can't pretend like I'm not mean. My tongue is too sharp. I can't pretend that I'm not flighty, stubborn, head strong, ill tempered, a diva, a princess, a know it all, a jackass. But for as much as I am those things... WHO ISN'T. I'll own my shit. I am Elyse! for all those "negatives" the positives are JUST as great. I won't pretend that I'm not romantic. I am. I won't pretend that I'm not smooth. I'm billy D williams. I wont pretend I'm not a mush. I am the biggest sap of all. I won't pretend I'm always strong. I do like to be rescued.
But I want you get the picture. I can't Pretend. and right now I'm pretending. and lets be honest. If I was something that Ly wanted. she would have taken me. I won't wait for her to eventually come around. I'm trying so hard not to get stressed out about my move and new job and show. 99 problems but a girl wont be one.
I will play my deck of cards. I'm happy for that weekend in PTown with her. I don't take anything back. But I really have to stop giving girls priority when I'm not theirs.... GIRL BYE
*ELyse
Current Song (s): None
Friday, May 17, 2013
Be silent, Be still
" Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
Current Song(s):
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;..." - Robert Frost
Well this is not the best place for me to be. It's not the worst but it truly isn't fun. I don't make decisions like this and I guess it's time to. I just don't know what God is trying to tell me. I just don't want to miss an opportunity because I always second guess myself. I've been talking about Boston for years. I always felt like I wouldn't mind living there. And more recently Boston has been around ever corner. But then again this could be God's way of saying: You see this opportunity is everywhere and I will keep it that way as long as you keep the faith in me.
We have two new employees at work that have moved here from far away, they decided that they are just gonna go for it. Chaos only applied for this one job and got it. And I don't know about saber tooth tiger but they decided to follow their dreams. I'm in NYC my dreams are here. I have a show in July and that's amazing. But nothing is ever final I should live a little. And Boston is only 4 hours away it's not that drastic. But not too long ago I'm over here talking about Barcelona. Oh believe me I'm going. But is this what God is trying to show me! That I'm all over the place? And I need to get my life? But isn't this what the 20's are all about? Being a drifter, confused and out there. Trying to find where I fit in. Trusting yourself and making mistakes? My mom told me something, it's something I've always known but it was said in a different light. And in a way I felt rather guilty. But in talking about this, she says " Elyse, you get eveything you want... You get EVERYTHING you want, but the second you get it, you don't want it anymore" I sat thinking yea I do get everything I want. :-/ I knew that! And when I get stuff I don't want it anymore. I knew that :-/. I'm thankful for eveything I get! Even this break up with bell, truthfully I had to go through it. To be where I am and I'm thankful for it. I'd rather not go through it and say I did but it's been quite the experience. I wanted to break up with her I wanted to be separated from her and I got it. I want to find myself and I'm doing that, rather gracefully. Because I never left! My point is its not a matter of not wanting things anymore it's knowing when I've overstayed my stay. I like to keep moving. I love my work family and that's the hardest thing about leaving. They've been such a support. A stregnth that I needed. Such characters I could never replace. I went home early today because Im sick. And while I felt like shit and could hardly stand I felt left out when I had to leave. I love them sooo much, soo much! I'm just trying to figure it all out. While I'm young. I have dreams and that's what carries me. I think if I can keep it healthy and take away from each experience that my need to always want to know what's out there is good! Some people find stuff they lock into it and that's okay for them. My mom being a smart woman gives me advice but I need to remember she was young once too, so even as she plays devils advocate I can't follow her either because shes doing just that playing devils advocate. She was young once too, and had no idea what she was doing with her life. So I will admit this when I say, I have no clue what I want. I just know that I want something new. I want better than I already am. I'm confused in a way that says that I'm not really, just more afraid of my own awesomeness, so I cripple myself and say I'll do it when I'm ready. In the words of miss Noxeema Jackson (To Wong Foo) "I will make Hollywood wherever I am at!" Can't wait to be ready that might take forever. Besides Madonna said it best "there's only so much you can learn in one place, the more that I wait, the more time that I waste"
No but really I have not seen this house nor have I seen the neighborhood! I've only seen pictures I haven't scoped the scene and I'll do that Saturday... I just need to Be silent, Be still. Leave it up to God
*Elyse
We have two new employees at work that have moved here from far away, they decided that they are just gonna go for it. Chaos only applied for this one job and got it. And I don't know about saber tooth tiger but they decided to follow their dreams. I'm in NYC my dreams are here. I have a show in July and that's amazing. But nothing is ever final I should live a little. And Boston is only 4 hours away it's not that drastic. But not too long ago I'm over here talking about Barcelona. Oh believe me I'm going. But is this what God is trying to show me! That I'm all over the place? And I need to get my life? But isn't this what the 20's are all about? Being a drifter, confused and out there. Trying to find where I fit in. Trusting yourself and making mistakes? My mom told me something, it's something I've always known but it was said in a different light. And in a way I felt rather guilty. But in talking about this, she says " Elyse, you get eveything you want... You get EVERYTHING you want, but the second you get it, you don't want it anymore" I sat thinking yea I do get everything I want. :-/ I knew that! And when I get stuff I don't want it anymore. I knew that :-/. I'm thankful for eveything I get! Even this break up with bell, truthfully I had to go through it. To be where I am and I'm thankful for it. I'd rather not go through it and say I did but it's been quite the experience. I wanted to break up with her I wanted to be separated from her and I got it. I want to find myself and I'm doing that, rather gracefully. Because I never left! My point is its not a matter of not wanting things anymore it's knowing when I've overstayed my stay. I like to keep moving. I love my work family and that's the hardest thing about leaving. They've been such a support. A stregnth that I needed. Such characters I could never replace. I went home early today because Im sick. And while I felt like shit and could hardly stand I felt left out when I had to leave. I love them sooo much, soo much! I'm just trying to figure it all out. While I'm young. I have dreams and that's what carries me. I think if I can keep it healthy and take away from each experience that my need to always want to know what's out there is good! Some people find stuff they lock into it and that's okay for them. My mom being a smart woman gives me advice but I need to remember she was young once too, so even as she plays devils advocate I can't follow her either because shes doing just that playing devils advocate. She was young once too, and had no idea what she was doing with her life. So I will admit this when I say, I have no clue what I want. I just know that I want something new. I want better than I already am. I'm confused in a way that says that I'm not really, just more afraid of my own awesomeness, so I cripple myself and say I'll do it when I'm ready. In the words of miss Noxeema Jackson (To Wong Foo) "I will make Hollywood wherever I am at!" Can't wait to be ready that might take forever. Besides Madonna said it best "there's only so much you can learn in one place, the more that I wait, the more time that I waste"
No but really I have not seen this house nor have I seen the neighborhood! I've only seen pictures I haven't scoped the scene and I'll do that Saturday... I just need to Be silent, Be still. Leave it up to God
*Elyse
Current Song(s):
Boston- Augustina
Jump- Madonna
Jump- Madonna
Monday, April 29, 2013
I'm So ON!
So Yesterday I woke up saying PRAISE THE LORD!! I just was feeling all types of good. I think the only thing that had a great chance of ruining it were my unbearable cramp pains! " Said oh lord jesus itza fire!" But even still yesterday was a good day. Just living and loving. Even if its just being in love with the company I keep around me, truly feeling blessed honored and privileged to be me, I know some of the smartest and funniest people ever. There is never a dull moment. and In moments when you just want to break down and cry (which is like always) talking about the situation that brings you to that point isn't always the answer... Laughing about something else, completely irrelevant to that situation and just being goofy is the only cure!
There's a "coworker" that I see very seldom but I'm just obsessed with. He's truly amazing and it was sooo nice to hear all about view points on life, the gay society etc. It's so refreshing to know that there are people who don't fall trap to all the misagosh that has been strapped to this community. He's a powerful mind and I'm so glad to know him. (love fest much?) but we all sat backstage getting rowdy in discussion, which sounds like a typical lunch time at my job, and he's like I'm always on your page you have like the best pictures and post. I sat there floored because I always feel so damn invisible. I feel like I don't do enough, that I could be out there more, really making the most out of my time and capitalizing on the relationships out there. not to mention having moments where I don't feel complete because Im not with anyone. Man I tell you this society really chews women up. First we're not beautiful enough, we're not strong enough. We're not meant to be in the work force. And if we are clearly we're not fit for marriage. And the only reason we're so driven in that work force is because we're bitter, uptight women that can't get laid or find a man and have children as that is our only calling (barf). I am a disney channel fanatic but sometimes I find it hard to watch because they insist on painting girls this way. It's like you don't have to be painfully opposite just switch it up give diversity, its rather sad. I digress, i'll come back to that another time. I'm so self aware when it comes to the negative, I can quickly tell you all the things I do wrong, I almost hear it in slow motion as the words come out. or the situation will go in slow motion as its being done. But when someone says something nice about you, you're like wait what? you really think that?! Bless your heart!
I gotta tell you yesterday I was so ON! Charged and ready to WERQ! and as I sit on the train, sun shining amping up for the day... Janet Jackson "discipline" comes on... ... ... ... For real though? Now I haven't listened to that song in a hot minute. A HOT MINUTE! Mainly because I know she listens to that song as she fucks her. nice. But this time I thought of that and smiled. and a devilish smile to, because I introduced her to that song, With the ONLY RED LIGHT SPECIAL. Listen when I turn it on it comes ON iWERQ hunty. and she knows it. She can have the memories. Those don't fade. But I really haven't Turned that light on since her. and there have been some SONGS. WOOO CHILD. I NEED TO CREATE A NEW LIST. I'll keep it in my arsenal for that deserving person, they will feel like its there birthday... and guess what I don't even have hair and I'm confident (oh snap, shit just got real) I was ready to take on the day after that song. Janet really is like the only person that could have an orgasm in a song and you're like "I'll have what she's having!" I'm usually NOT a fan. But the first time I heard that song, I found myself slave to the rhythm, dancing without myself even being aware. like a ribbon I laced myself through that melody. by the time she started orgasming I couldn't even be mad at her, I was like play on playa. But that song is all types of dangerous. " said oh o lord jesus itza fire!" ( I got lost in the moment)
And to top it off I heard from "Ly". I was so content on not speaking to her until I ran into her at PTown... and she texted me and of course my face just lit up. I've been thinking about her a lot. I wonder if her ears were ringing. I'm glad she reached out. It just really topped off my beautiful sunday. I don't know if I needed that but I sure did want it.
So today I wake up ready to start my day. My second rehearsal. and lunch with my Booski! Which I'm nervous for because we're going to place that this girl works at and in my head I feel like I'm painfully obvious and now I'm like gosh Elyse, you shouldn't have. You have absolutely no chance with her and now she's creeped out. I'm not all too sure I want a chance with her but I hate when it's decided for me hahah spoken like a true diva. you win some you lose some... but there is soo much in store for me that really. iWIN
*Elyse
Current Song(s):
There's a "coworker" that I see very seldom but I'm just obsessed with. He's truly amazing and it was sooo nice to hear all about view points on life, the gay society etc. It's so refreshing to know that there are people who don't fall trap to all the misagosh that has been strapped to this community. He's a powerful mind and I'm so glad to know him. (love fest much?) but we all sat backstage getting rowdy in discussion, which sounds like a typical lunch time at my job, and he's like I'm always on your page you have like the best pictures and post. I sat there floored because I always feel so damn invisible. I feel like I don't do enough, that I could be out there more, really making the most out of my time and capitalizing on the relationships out there. not to mention having moments where I don't feel complete because Im not with anyone. Man I tell you this society really chews women up. First we're not beautiful enough, we're not strong enough. We're not meant to be in the work force. And if we are clearly we're not fit for marriage. And the only reason we're so driven in that work force is because we're bitter, uptight women that can't get laid or find a man and have children as that is our only calling (barf). I am a disney channel fanatic but sometimes I find it hard to watch because they insist on painting girls this way. It's like you don't have to be painfully opposite just switch it up give diversity, its rather sad. I digress, i'll come back to that another time. I'm so self aware when it comes to the negative, I can quickly tell you all the things I do wrong, I almost hear it in slow motion as the words come out. or the situation will go in slow motion as its being done. But when someone says something nice about you, you're like wait what? you really think that?! Bless your heart!
I gotta tell you yesterday I was so ON! Charged and ready to WERQ! and as I sit on the train, sun shining amping up for the day... Janet Jackson "discipline" comes on... ... ... ... For real though? Now I haven't listened to that song in a hot minute. A HOT MINUTE! Mainly because I know she listens to that song as she fucks her. nice. But this time I thought of that and smiled. and a devilish smile to, because I introduced her to that song, With the ONLY RED LIGHT SPECIAL. Listen when I turn it on it comes ON iWERQ hunty. and she knows it. She can have the memories. Those don't fade. But I really haven't Turned that light on since her. and there have been some SONGS. WOOO CHILD. I NEED TO CREATE A NEW LIST. I'll keep it in my arsenal for that deserving person, they will feel like its there birthday... and guess what I don't even have hair and I'm confident (oh snap, shit just got real) I was ready to take on the day after that song. Janet really is like the only person that could have an orgasm in a song and you're like "I'll have what she's having!" I'm usually NOT a fan. But the first time I heard that song, I found myself slave to the rhythm, dancing without myself even being aware. like a ribbon I laced myself through that melody. by the time she started orgasming I couldn't even be mad at her, I was like play on playa. But that song is all types of dangerous. " said oh o lord jesus itza fire!" ( I got lost in the moment)
And to top it off I heard from "Ly". I was so content on not speaking to her until I ran into her at PTown... and she texted me and of course my face just lit up. I've been thinking about her a lot. I wonder if her ears were ringing. I'm glad she reached out. It just really topped off my beautiful sunday. I don't know if I needed that but I sure did want it.
So today I wake up ready to start my day. My second rehearsal. and lunch with my Booski! Which I'm nervous for because we're going to place that this girl works at and in my head I feel like I'm painfully obvious and now I'm like gosh Elyse, you shouldn't have. You have absolutely no chance with her and now she's creeped out. I'm not all too sure I want a chance with her but I hate when it's decided for me hahah spoken like a true diva. you win some you lose some... but there is soo much in store for me that really. iWIN
*Elyse
Current Song(s):
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