You're right, I don't know you....

         You know it's serious when you call your sister to give you advice. Especially given the fact that ya'll never really got along. But I knew if anybody was gonna get through to me it would be her. And honestly, yet again she's just right... I've been plagued with "what ifs". Like what if its true? What if its not true? What if she meant it? She if she doesn't mean it? And the biggest one... What if she comes back?! She's not tho. But what if she does?! No but she's not tho. Never will and the major thing I've been doing is saying I just don't want her to come back when I'm with someone. Last night I had dream after dream after dream. At one point I woke up in a panic and checked my IG because I thought something was on it, that would kill me. There was nothing. I closed my eyes and I saw picture after picture of them in bliss and the whole time I'm thinking that's gonna be her girlfriend. This is the girl who's gonna replace me. Needless to say I did not sleep well if fact everytime I went back to sleep. I told myself you have to push through this. You've got be strong. It was such a hard night for me. I saw future pictures of them or made up pictures but I do believe that they will be an item. And yet again I'm the one that looks stupid. I almost sent another saying I love you and I never stopped. But I definitely need to. She has officially moved on. There's no need or want for me anymore. Really do get it. There's no way to get through to her. Because she doesn't want me to get through. As for casie's party yyeaup I doubt I'm going. I wanted to go to talk to her but no it's just not. No.


*Elyse


Current song(s):

I Gave you all- Mumford and Sons
Details in the Fabric- Jason Mraz

Wash it all away

       And as I lay in bed. Unwinding from the day. I realized I'm exhausted. I'm simply exhausted trying to pin point her every move, decipher her none existing codes. Tap into her brainwaves. As recent as a month and a half maybe two months ago it was said that she thinks I'm completely over it. And as recent as three weeks ago it was stated that she's having a difficult time getting over me. And as recent as two weeks ago that she's dating someone new. Someone I know and someone I'm not particularly found of. And this just doesn't help. I'm exhausted. Trying to play different scenarios of what could be going on or like how can I reach her. My number is blocked. She doesn't respond to emails and shit its really really cold in here! Shit I dead ass typed that! Crap I typed that too! Okay okay focus. There's gotta be a way to get through to her. But I'm really really growing weary. When I saw her it all went down hill. Like it did in Ptown. Like it did when her old boss decided to tell me she's moving back NYC. My fears are coming true like always with her. I'm nauseous. This will be a long winter. And I told myself that I would not bring this up to Boston. Leave this girl in New York and start anew. Where the fuck is she getting this "moved on" nonsense from. Talk to me! Right now I'm physically out of tears yet my soul is crying. And honestly that feels worse. Hol up I think my eyes just moistened a little. I hate that word moist blaahhh. I just feel sooo sore. My soul feels worped. I'd rather physically cry because at least you kinda feel good after. My soul hearts. And I know it because my dreams reflect it. I'm not sure of anything. Nothing at all. Well I'm sure that I'm exhausted yet I haven't exhausted the situation. I push myself to make these strides so she'd be proud so that I can learn be a better stronger person. If all of this is true and she's having a hard time or thinks I'm over it... Thought deleted. One part of me feels like "snuff" from slipknot... Another part of me feels like "no ordinary love"- Sade. And another feels like "October" and "wash it all away" from Evanescence. So what do I do know?? Follow her on IG? Her pictures are private CBS if I want to see them either, it might send me off. Do I see if my number is still blocked? Send an email that says I love you. And now I have a huge head ache. I just can't do this anymore. This thing will kill me. I'm so scared right now. I'm wicked scared :'-(


*Elyse


Current song

Wash it all away- Evanescence
October- Evanescence

Got dammit !!

     So I haven't been writing here because I've been writing in my journal. I've been consulting with friends, I've been with friends trying to get my life together. And it's not been. I love Boston but I'm feeling a way I'm feeling something. And mainly just sad. I can't even write in this stupid thing. I don't feel it. So you know what, here it is. If I could I talk to her: Bell I told you getting over you wasn't gonna be something I could do! Still haven't. Ugh I'm so frustrated. I'm so pissed. I'm hurt. Stop it, stop it, STOP! Fucking stop. Guess what I love you, Isabella. Never stopped. NEVER FUCKING STOPPED. I'm nauseous.

*Elyse

Current song:
Wash it away- Evanescence

BE HERE, NOW

             So my show is today. My debut performance. and of course I'm at check out phase. I find it so hard to stay in the moment. My mind is on getting back to Boston and not being too tired for opening duties. and Trying not to fuck it up. It's also on how can I make this paper, I'm thinking of getting a second job. I'm also light weight looking at apartments. I'm thinking about how I'll get to barcelona. How will I continue to sing more. How can I continue to perform and be on stage. I'm over the go go dancing. I do because it's fun and its a way to perform but I'm over the club life, I don't have as much of a tolerance as I've had before. Instead of writing this blog I could be still rehearsing and making sure I have my bag packed for today but I am the queen of avoidance. Which will come back and smack me in the face if I don't nip it in the butt. I need my second wind. I'm so distracted by my solitude, that i'm pursuing happiness on the wrong path. Listen honey, love is not in your cards right now. we've created a blueprint and now we lay the foundation, it has to be a solid one. I guess I'm nervous because I don't have anything else set up for me as far as singing goes, although my job says I can perform there. and the search for a band continues. only this time its gotta be more blues and jazz. Gimme that soul. But I'm getting besides myself and that's where I go wrong. I need to be here now. I have to worry about what's in front of me right now, not what could be in front of me down the road. This show is whats now and I need to be prepared for that. You have to count every show like its your breaking moment, like there are officials in the audience and you're about to cut a deal. or think about it as you're already established either way people came to see a show and a show is what you will give them! PERIOD!

*eLyse

Current song (s): Whatever Lola Wants- Sara Vaughn

Two years down / Girl, Bye

        I want to officially congratulate myself, two years of not being with someone seriously. Although you could question me and ly. I'll get back to that one. But as for my congratulations, well it's rather hard to make an acceptance speech when you can't really tell if you've truly gotten over her or not. I was on the phone with Spongebob for quick sometime yelling at her. And by yelling at her I mean yell to the void that, that bitch left me with. Demanding answers that I'll never get. Wanting truths that I'd never believe. Two years later and I'm still just as angry. Idk if I'm moving forward or backward. I'm at a standstill... I feel like I've tried everything I could think of. I even moved to Boston... And seriously the next stop is out of this country.  Heavy. I am a heavy heart to carry. And it is true "I love you never felt like any blessing" in fact it never does...

         I told ly that I loved her. Because I do. And as I assess the what we were, what we are, what we have and what we had. It's time to say GIRLBYE! I didn't want to give up so easily on her because I love her. I tell myself be patient and understanding. Just chill out. But if there is one thing I know about us is that, we are kindered spirits. But this is "Kermit" all over again. The push and the pull, the struggle. He drove me batshit!!! BATSHIT!! I let him get away with murder, I damn near gave him the knife. And I went back for years. Because I felt guilty for being a major bitch in high school, and when we were on. Ugh gosh we were so on. I loved him and he loved me. We were not it for each other. But I would have spent a lifetime going back and forth with him because I kinda liked it. Only he would never give himself to me. He'd just continue to watch me with others and then criticize me for it. And make me feel bad for not being with him. Truth is. He wasn't bout that life and he never was. And Ly? She's falling into that same pattern. If it were a friend in that position I'd be like GIRLBYE but as much as I'd like to lie to myself. I cannot. She's a sweet girl and lame one. And lame because she doesn't want me. I want her to want me. Then again she does but there is no action behind it, and that's where the lame comes in.
         So now once again I have to detox from this girl, purge her existence out of my life, she cannot stay. And she doesn't want to. Those speeches she gives me are farce and I will not give her warning. I'm just done. No crying wolf, just GIRLBYE!! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! It's not saying much for the standards I keep for myself and its not fair to me. I'm trying hard not appologize for myself and say yeaup that's who I am. But these moments always make me feel "lesser than". I'm worthy enough to be the greatest person you know but not worthy enough to be the greatest  girlfriend. And maybe I don't want to be that yet, and I just like playing house. It's just such a process.  And here I go building those walls back up. And I know I say this all the time. But no one is getting through. Not this time! Nope aint gonna happen.

*ELyse

Current song (s):
  Portishead- Humming

Give Thanks

             The load lightens just a little bit. I can only Give Thanks. Feeling the angst last night of traveling, of new locations, new jobs. I had a brief panic attack on the train. It really did not help that the train had stopped and then after 5 mins started to head back towards grand central. "WRONG FCUKING DIRECTION!" Maybe if the conductor spoke in audible volume we all might have heard him... Fuck there goes my heart, "ugh what is that." numbing tingle through my body "come on elle shake it off". Breaths heavier if at all... "breathe Bitch! Breathe" "okay okay water in the bag drink that shit, shake it off, nope now the face is leaking, salty, fuck. tears. Together, Pull it!" I wan't to talk to peach so I txtd her she types "ok."... ...  DAFUQ! NOPE not exactly the response I was hoping for. Earlier today she told me we can get our cards read but she wants to do my charts.  I'm like what are charts. she says based on "xyz" our charts tell us who we are destined to be. Instantly I pause and I'm like NO... I've always wondered what my true calling was because I've always felt like I'm greater than what I'm allowing myself to be. Almost as if... no almost... it's because I'm afraid of my own awesomeness, I stifle myself. BUT I WILL BE DAMNED if some chart tells me who I'm destined to be. I'm destined to be whatever not because of some damn chart but because God chose me. I'm combative now. I stop and I'm just like yea sure, do my charts. So in trying to find a christian psychic, I come across a question and answer page and the answer that came of that just really clicked for me. Now I'm very into my dreams and meanings and two nights ago I had a dream that really waved a red flag. I sit wondering, WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN THOUGH... and in the response that I read to a question being asked as to whether or not psychics go against christianity, she says, a lot of the times psychics go off of body language etc. TRUE. it goes on... but something I picked up was pray on what it is you are questioning and feeling. you probably already know the answer. okay in all honesty I don't really know if that snippet was in there. Sometimes the voices are so loud in my head its almost like I read it somewhere HAHAH. BUT non the less. that's what I got from it. Now recently things have been falling into place, I've been getting everything I want. and not that it's gonna go to shit... but if I were Princess Jasmine than Jesus would be Aladin and that mo fo just stuck his hand out to me and said do you trust me... and I said "What?" and he said do you trust me?! ...head nod... and I'm about to jump... and with all the hubbub and rifraf about to take place, I'll be okay if I just trust him. That's what my dream was saying... shit might hit the fan stop denying it. face it. I Like to act stupid like I don't know what's about to go down. and I'm concerned with a lot of things as I head up yonder. But God is looking out for me. I don't think I need to pay a psychic for her to bullshit her way to a reality that I already knew. Either way there will be confrontation and you have to handle them like an adult now. and that's basically speak up. DON'T GUESS Don't assume. you cause more rifraff than necessary.
       Anyway I just went home and lulled myself by therapeutically stalking on facebook and singing "hallelujah" in my head... that's my next cover btw. I rambled on to the lord until I went to sleep. You that's always been a "tradition" of mine. I ramble on and on working myself into a frenzy, explaining things that he already knows about me. He probably looks at me and is like okay child, I get it. I've heard enough but I keep going so he's like go bed, I got this, and next thing you know I'm sleep and I wake up like I'm really sorry I didn't even say goodnight, and I final thanks I feel horrible that's so rude etc. he's soo over me lol
      But He's already started working. I tell him my plans and he says okay. He gives me a feeling that, whilst you think thats whats gonna happen this might too so just stay alert and trust me. and I say okay. I'm soo not as stressed as I was financially. I mean I'm still concerned I'm a worry wort. But by speaking up, I got help. and as much as I like to do everything on my own or find ways to show that I have everything under control. Take the help if someone is offering. A closed mouth does not get fed. and stubbornization runs rampant in my family. All I have to say is I can't thank the lord enough... but I will try! Giving Thanks no matter how small... This bitch is fine hunty! carry on!

*ELyse

Current Song (s): none

"I Can't"

          I can't even front, I'm sitting here in tears. It's been so long since I've cried and maybe it hasn't, but considering the fact that I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night or wake up in tears, it feels like it has been forever. I think it's also a combination of everything that's going on and feeling the realness of all the excitement that has been happening in ONE month. Yea shit got real in ONE month.
         But I'm really thinking about it and I can't. When I think about what it means to say "I can't" I guess what I'm trying to say is I wont. I've just decided that I can't wait for her. I have a girl that lives so far away from me but is willing to try to meet up with me, when she can. I have another girl who lives across seas telling me that she's coming for my show. yet Ly tells me that she likes me, I make her feel "x" and "y" but then what is so hard? Don't tell my friends how you feel. It's irrelevant. Does it take away the fact that I love her? No. I wont take that back. But in the course of a month I have seen the possibilities. To be with her would be to settle. I have a fickle way about me. But when I know, I know and if I have to question then there's something wrong. So if you have doubts, you aint bout that life and I cannot wait for you. Things are probably not going to anywhere with Al but i'll enjoy her company if I can and Barcelona is way too far, but I will enjoy her if I can. and Tattoos?! oh tattoos? nothing will come of tattoos but she's amazing. And they're all showing me different things. Different in a way that says our differences are so different they're the same. and it brings me back to Bel. she needed to feel like the sun rose and set on her ass. and vise versa. and I get it now. Bel wasn't genuine. She was willing to get it anywhere. I'm single I want it everywhere. but ultimately I want it from one and only one. BFF says maybe it's time to put yourself on a pedestal. that I don't give myself enough credit. I put tattoos on the biggest pedestal. I fall short of her, she's bad. But you know what I am too. I am a catch, you will never have a dull moment with me, I will keep you on your toes. There will be days that you hate me. there will be days that you like me... But you will always love me. And that's what I want and I see that it's out there. I can't pretend that I'm not crazy, I am a pretty good actor. I can't pretend like I'm not mean. My tongue is too sharp. I can't pretend that I'm not flighty, stubborn, head strong, ill tempered, a diva, a princess, a know it all, a jackass. But for as much as I am those things... WHO ISN'T. I'll own my shit. I am Elyse! for all those "negatives" the positives are JUST as great. I won't pretend that I'm not romantic. I am. I won't pretend that I'm not smooth. I'm billy D williams. I wont pretend I'm not a mush. I am the biggest sap of all. I won't pretend I'm always strong. I do like to be rescued.
       But I want you get the picture. I can't Pretend. and right now I'm pretending. and lets be honest. If I was something that Ly wanted. she would have taken me. I won't wait for her to eventually come around. I'm trying so hard not to get stressed out about my move and new job and show. 99 problems but a girl wont be one.
      I will play my deck of cards. I'm happy for that weekend in PTown with her. I don't take anything back. But I really have to stop giving girls priority when I'm not theirs.... GIRL BYE

*ELyse

Current Song (s): None