Well the thing is, right now, I'm just super proud of how much I've ground. I'm really proud of the strength I could show, the patience I had/well have. I could still go for more but I have to be honest. I can't give him anything more until he starts giving to himself. He has to want to fix his own issues. If he can't do that, I can't be around. The way he thinks he's fixing them is by ignoring them. I know he needs time to himself he's just worried that if I go I will be gone! and if I stay, it's gonna end badly as well, he don't wanna waste my time. I'm a little more shocked if nothing else. My disappointment comes more from internal shit. And that's all stuff I can get over because I'm used to being villain. I used to people forming conclusions that are usually wrong. There's no use in arguing and sending that energy that can be sent somewhere else. It's disappointing but TODAY I'm okay with it because it's my journey and it's what I chose for myself. He's an amazing person with a lot of searching to do. I wouldn't mind helping him search but I need to see that he's already started. I think the space he needs to go into his straight selfish mode. He needs to man up face the facts regardless of what people think because people are always going to think something so be honest. Just be honest, and start with yourself.
This is going to be tough.. it doesn't help that the holidays are here but I need to be smart about this. If he doesn't fix his issues and doesn't want to confront them and tucks them aside like nothing is happening then what he becomes when he's drunk will be worse. I got a taste of it and I don't want to be on the other end of his aggression wondering whats gonna happen next and if he'll remember it the next day. He won't take the time to rest and give back to himself. I will make him by taking myself out of the equation. I don't want to be a punching bag, I want to help but not in that way. That's the road he's headed because he won't acknowledge that he's stressed out, that his family stresses him out. That he feels like he's in over his head, that he is his father, that he is his mother. He's working harder and harder, more and more to compensate for something. He needs to recognize. Until he fully comes face to face and wants to confront it, I won't be useful. Making him laugh, talking politics, suggesting vacations or fun dates does won't do shit. He was there for me through my tough times and all I want to do is give that back. I shouldn't make excuses for his behavior the other. What happens when he actually hits me. Cuz he was coming close to it. I love that man something fierce and all I wanted to do was be happily ever after and work hard for my shit. It could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't. But it's time to be smart about this.
{[Finding]} Elysium
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Saturday, November 19, 2016
It's been a while
Yo it's been awhile! Still, though, I feel like I find myself upset about the same shit and stressing about the same shit. Though, those shits are different from each other; it's your typical Elle. Although I could throw in a plot twist! Here we go... I have a boyfriend. We've been on for a year and some change. It wasn't exactly the smoothest transition from the one right before him. I don't know if I've mentioned her on this thing or if... well uh... I just took a break to read what I wrote over a year ago aaaannd it turns out, I did mention her. um well, no she didn't stay. I don't know if I pushed her out because I couldn't be sure at the time she even wanted to stay; or if I was tired of waiting to be wanted. I wanted to be wanted by someone the way I want myself (most of the time). It wasn't easy.
um... and actually writing in this and retracing my steps is making me feel off.
I want my "friends". I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends hahaha totally okay with that. I've really just been feeling like I'd like to be all alone. and writing in this blog after some odd months makes me just hate this all over again. Well then why write? It's like half, torture and half me standing in a room reading myself to an invisible audience and having to be okay with their reactions. Partial judgement or maybe helping. Idk who this helps but I'm looking for some type of outlet. I straddle the idea of wanting to be visible as hell and hiding like a muthafcuka. I am such a prisoner to myself. Like "hey elle, you are absolutely beautiful and talented. Why not conquer your world?!" hmm such a great idea and yet somehow just not tangible. I can't make it stop. I'm trying to. Actively trying to. I have this boyfriend who's the best and I have these moments where I'm like 'ohh look at how happy you are? this is amazing, look at everything you have?! You are sooooo blessed' and then that feeling gets interrupted by 'you're a liar! this whole thing is lie! everyone know's you're lying! stop fcuking lying! you're happiness is a lie!' and then I'm stuck wondering if I'm just sitting here playing house.
The only thing that keeps me from completely jumping now a days is that I'm seeing my trend. I just fcuking read my last two posts and I was like girl really? Same fcuking shit! Am I sabotaging? Am I projecting? or deflecting? I'm most certainly looking for something. I must be. Am I trying to scare him or myself. No more future talk, I think it scares the both of us. I still remember what he said and well I think he's right. What if he is right? I revisit his space idea and he's not about it. I still look for having an apartment that's mine, he doesn't understand why I'm doing that. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He's brought it up before and I say okay and goes back on what he says. I guess it's good but one of us has to be the strong one. I'm helping restore his apartment to the way he see fit. and I'm going to start figuring out how I can give more space. We both go through this, he has his lows and so do I and they freak me out and I want to run. I question everything and try to convince myself that I'm [not] making a mistake. I need to go back and make some lists. I miss being alone but I can't be sure that if I got that wish I'd be happy with that.
I can't escape myself and frankly, Y E T A G A I N, I'm exhausted! Please Jesus, take the wheel!
[[ Finding]] Elysium
Current Song (s):
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
um... and actually writing in this and retracing my steps is making me feel off.
I want my "friends". I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends hahaha totally okay with that. I've really just been feeling like I'd like to be all alone. and writing in this blog after some odd months makes me just hate this all over again. Well then why write? It's like half, torture and half me standing in a room reading myself to an invisible audience and having to be okay with their reactions. Partial judgement or maybe helping. Idk who this helps but I'm looking for some type of outlet. I straddle the idea of wanting to be visible as hell and hiding like a muthafcuka. I am such a prisoner to myself. Like "hey elle, you are absolutely beautiful and talented. Why not conquer your world?!" hmm such a great idea and yet somehow just not tangible. I can't make it stop. I'm trying to. Actively trying to. I have this boyfriend who's the best and I have these moments where I'm like 'ohh look at how happy you are? this is amazing, look at everything you have?! You are sooooo blessed' and then that feeling gets interrupted by 'you're a liar! this whole thing is lie! everyone know's you're lying! stop fcuking lying! you're happiness is a lie!' and then I'm stuck wondering if I'm just sitting here playing house.
The only thing that keeps me from completely jumping now a days is that I'm seeing my trend. I just fcuking read my last two posts and I was like girl really? Same fcuking shit! Am I sabotaging? Am I projecting? or deflecting? I'm most certainly looking for something. I must be. Am I trying to scare him or myself. No more future talk, I think it scares the both of us. I still remember what he said and well I think he's right. What if he is right? I revisit his space idea and he's not about it. I still look for having an apartment that's mine, he doesn't understand why I'm doing that. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He's brought it up before and I say okay and goes back on what he says. I guess it's good but one of us has to be the strong one. I'm helping restore his apartment to the way he see fit. and I'm going to start figuring out how I can give more space. We both go through this, he has his lows and so do I and they freak me out and I want to run. I question everything and try to convince myself that I'm [not] making a mistake. I need to go back and make some lists. I miss being alone but I can't be sure that if I got that wish I'd be happy with that.
I can't escape myself and frankly, Y E T A G A I N, I'm exhausted! Please Jesus, take the wheel!
[[ Finding]] Elysium
Current Song (s):
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
Sunday, June 7, 2015
I do
Today I woke up. I've been attempting to wake up for days now, even weeks. It was looking real grim for a while. and I can't be sure that sleep will stop doing it's best to come for me but today, I woke up.
I dissect myself so much. I need answers, I need to know myself in and out. The problem is I know myself in and out and the things I can't change and can't accept, I won't love. I'll shut down and let that take over all the things that are winning about me. I told an interest of mine, that I like myself better when I'm not in a relationship, After I said I hate myself in relationships (Cue smack in the face, now!). Really, nice elle. and how the hell do you expect her to feel about that. Well in my dissecting, it's true. But I realized where it came from. Aside from feeling crazy and comparing myself to others. The root went deeper than that. I could blame it on 'the one who shall not be named', or on my father for leaving or even my mother for being a stone cold bitch sometimes. These things are all factors but to place the blame on somebody else, isn't the answer either.
STORY TIME!!! There was a point in my life where I was so broken. I decided to make a list! and on this list I pushed myself to do things that took me out of my comfort zone. I was so dependent on a person that, the thought of anything else made me sick. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I knew my time was up but breaking routine scared me. I don't like change. So I stayed. Until my scream was no longer heard only in my head. So I made a list. Tried foods that I've always hated, guess what?! I love them now. Took myself out on dates, got all gussied up. I got on a plane, I don't like planes. I did that shit by myself for 10-12 hours. I stayed in a foreign country without my family and friends for a month. Confronted my fear of statues. They don't paralyze me nearly as much as before. Got over my fear of nyc and Brooklyn. I placed myself visible in the Lesbian night life scene. I even took a job in the city. I placed myself in situations to make me uncomfortable but to conquer my fears and I was so empowered. That was my mission for that time. To rely on myself. Feel uncomfortable in my thoughts and work through them. It was my way. I loved people asking me why I'm single and feeling like yo I don't need that shit and sometimes I'd want to see how long I could keep it up. Every now and again, though, you meet that one person that makes you second guess that, change your mind a little. and that's where I got derailed.
I when I fall for people it's scary because now it's not a matter of dealing with me, it's now dealing with me in juxtaposition to someone else. I would go from being so empowered to apologizing for everything I felt. Sorry for being so quickly triggered by events. and even sorrier for not being able to control it, letting my angst run rampant. That works when you're by yourself, not in a relationship. There are so many things to consider and the final word is, "you're too difficult just leave. They don't like you. They want to be with someone easier because you're a clusterfcuk of angst." So I leave, or make it so difficult that they will leave. Taking it back now to that lovely statement I made to her, the one that floated in our space whenever I had a mood swing, it's how I feel. But more so because I've been single for so long it's the only thing I know. Relationships are hard work. I don't know that work. I don't have examples of a properly functioning relationship. I shut down. I never look at it like "great person as a friend, not a lover. There's somebody out there for you." I look at it like "you're not fit for a relationship, it's all your fault. You spazz way too much." And I take comfort in the past and my screw ups and my private world of make believe.
But I woke up today. This past week has been so hard on me. It's been the hardest one in years. I can't be sure I'm still not feeling it. I've often told myself that villains don't get a happy ending. and I started to believe that. I'm so harsh on myself. I leave no room for error or forgiveness. I'm that way with myself and others and that's the reason why I'm quick to let people go. Because I assume they take the same stance as I do. That's not always the case. But anyway, I hold myself to such standards and anytime I fall short, I can't dust myself off and calmly talk to myself. I humiliate myself. I scold and beat myself up. (But I love myself right? So you say). I see myself as a monster and a failure. I'm that dad that screams at his son, for being weak and not like him. I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. I see things a certain way and I beat up on myself if I can't go about it the way I imagined. I tell myself that I don't need or want certain things because it's far fetched and wanting certain things will make me weak or I'll get hopes up and call myself a failure if it doesn't come to pass. Putting weight on humans scares me. and I won't take that chance. So I've programmed myself to not want and long for somebody, they will let you down and that's because you let them down by being yourself. That's fcuked right!? Yet every now and then I catch my heart wondering and it goes back to the same place. When I catch it I scold it and lock it up. Foolish of me to have emotion. And I can't be sure that these thoughts are my own or ones that society places on females. Now I'm fighting with myself because I can't keep my heart under lock and key. I can't deny what my feelings are telling me. Yet, like every other damaged person, afraid take the steps to letting yet another person in and run the risk of them walking out. I've never given anyone my all. I tire quickly. Struggling doesn't feel ideal. Relationships are hard work.
When I woke up today, I rolled over and saw myself laying with a baby and happy. It was a split second but I enjoyed it. I welcomed it, I couldn't run from it. And then I woke up. I won't be any less of a woman if I never get married and have children. But I will not deny myself the option. I will be more mad at myself down the line, for never even giving myself a chance. I deserve a chance. Which ever way my life goes I deserve a happy ending. The reason I don't get it, is because I stand in my own way.
STORY TIME!!!! SO I LOVE Once Upon a Time! It is my favorite show! and in the beginning of the show, I believe Prince Charming and Snow white were talking about there current situation. I believe it was them, everyone's always talking about their happy endings and such. But Charming says something like " look no matter how many times we try to be, something keeps getting in our way. maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be doing this." and Snow was like "yea, or it could be that no matter what tries tear us apart we always find a way to be together." It's that "is the glass half empty or half full" question. It's the lens for which we try to see things out of that should change. Not trying to control who comes in to your life and how, what and why. I'm doing too much.
All I know is that this weekend I really stepped up to the plate. I performed in a show that probably could have been organized better. But I just took initiative and took the wheel. I wound up hosting and performing and directing almost. and in that moment of chaos in my head I thought, I love this moment and I wish I had someone to share it with. Someone that says babe I'm so proud of you! Or that says nothing at all but is standing there for me. It was then that I realized that of course I can do it on my own, duh. But I don't want to. And I'm never gonna get closer to my happy ending by pulling the rug from under my own feet. I know I can do bad all by myself. I don't need to prove that anymore. Nobody's challenging me on that either. But I'm not fronting on myself anymore. I'm so sorry that, that interest had to be let go. I find some really really terrific girls and I just run them ragged. I don't see past my own hurt. I don't look at it from there POV.
My mission now, continue to take myself on dates and doing things that empower me. But remember not to front. Don't take moments away from myself. Or afraid to be in a moment because I don't want to get played. I'm gonna start by taking life minute by minute. Saying thanks for 5 things and asking help. Not feeding into that voice. Instead of creating problems, create art work. Create opportunities for stability, in whatever form you need it most. Slowly taking down that wall of pride. Do things for me and career building not for popularity. I'm sorry that it's not with her, and yet again I will have deal with the fact that she is the one that got away, I understand. I just miss her so much. When I saw her last night, it was bitter sweet. As painful as it is accept that I fcuked shit up. I will learn from this. It will not be easy. But I will be happy.
Elysium
Current Song(s):
Reconsider- The Xx (Jamie XX remix)
River- Ibeyi
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
I dissect myself so much. I need answers, I need to know myself in and out. The problem is I know myself in and out and the things I can't change and can't accept, I won't love. I'll shut down and let that take over all the things that are winning about me. I told an interest of mine, that I like myself better when I'm not in a relationship, After I said I hate myself in relationships (Cue smack in the face, now!). Really, nice elle. and how the hell do you expect her to feel about that. Well in my dissecting, it's true. But I realized where it came from. Aside from feeling crazy and comparing myself to others. The root went deeper than that. I could blame it on 'the one who shall not be named', or on my father for leaving or even my mother for being a stone cold bitch sometimes. These things are all factors but to place the blame on somebody else, isn't the answer either.
STORY TIME!!! There was a point in my life where I was so broken. I decided to make a list! and on this list I pushed myself to do things that took me out of my comfort zone. I was so dependent on a person that, the thought of anything else made me sick. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I knew my time was up but breaking routine scared me. I don't like change. So I stayed. Until my scream was no longer heard only in my head. So I made a list. Tried foods that I've always hated, guess what?! I love them now. Took myself out on dates, got all gussied up. I got on a plane, I don't like planes. I did that shit by myself for 10-12 hours. I stayed in a foreign country without my family and friends for a month. Confronted my fear of statues. They don't paralyze me nearly as much as before. Got over my fear of nyc and Brooklyn. I placed myself visible in the Lesbian night life scene. I even took a job in the city. I placed myself in situations to make me uncomfortable but to conquer my fears and I was so empowered. That was my mission for that time. To rely on myself. Feel uncomfortable in my thoughts and work through them. It was my way. I loved people asking me why I'm single and feeling like yo I don't need that shit and sometimes I'd want to see how long I could keep it up. Every now and again, though, you meet that one person that makes you second guess that, change your mind a little. and that's where I got derailed.
I when I fall for people it's scary because now it's not a matter of dealing with me, it's now dealing with me in juxtaposition to someone else. I would go from being so empowered to apologizing for everything I felt. Sorry for being so quickly triggered by events. and even sorrier for not being able to control it, letting my angst run rampant. That works when you're by yourself, not in a relationship. There are so many things to consider and the final word is, "you're too difficult just leave. They don't like you. They want to be with someone easier because you're a clusterfcuk of angst." So I leave, or make it so difficult that they will leave. Taking it back now to that lovely statement I made to her, the one that floated in our space whenever I had a mood swing, it's how I feel. But more so because I've been single for so long it's the only thing I know. Relationships are hard work. I don't know that work. I don't have examples of a properly functioning relationship. I shut down. I never look at it like "great person as a friend, not a lover. There's somebody out there for you." I look at it like "you're not fit for a relationship, it's all your fault. You spazz way too much." And I take comfort in the past and my screw ups and my private world of make believe.
But I woke up today. This past week has been so hard on me. It's been the hardest one in years. I can't be sure I'm still not feeling it. I've often told myself that villains don't get a happy ending. and I started to believe that. I'm so harsh on myself. I leave no room for error or forgiveness. I'm that way with myself and others and that's the reason why I'm quick to let people go. Because I assume they take the same stance as I do. That's not always the case. But anyway, I hold myself to such standards and anytime I fall short, I can't dust myself off and calmly talk to myself. I humiliate myself. I scold and beat myself up. (But I love myself right? So you say). I see myself as a monster and a failure. I'm that dad that screams at his son, for being weak and not like him. I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. I see things a certain way and I beat up on myself if I can't go about it the way I imagined. I tell myself that I don't need or want certain things because it's far fetched and wanting certain things will make me weak or I'll get hopes up and call myself a failure if it doesn't come to pass. Putting weight on humans scares me. and I won't take that chance. So I've programmed myself to not want and long for somebody, they will let you down and that's because you let them down by being yourself. That's fcuked right!? Yet every now and then I catch my heart wondering and it goes back to the same place. When I catch it I scold it and lock it up. Foolish of me to have emotion. And I can't be sure that these thoughts are my own or ones that society places on females. Now I'm fighting with myself because I can't keep my heart under lock and key. I can't deny what my feelings are telling me. Yet, like every other damaged person, afraid take the steps to letting yet another person in and run the risk of them walking out. I've never given anyone my all. I tire quickly. Struggling doesn't feel ideal. Relationships are hard work.
When I woke up today, I rolled over and saw myself laying with a baby and happy. It was a split second but I enjoyed it. I welcomed it, I couldn't run from it. And then I woke up. I won't be any less of a woman if I never get married and have children. But I will not deny myself the option. I will be more mad at myself down the line, for never even giving myself a chance. I deserve a chance. Which ever way my life goes I deserve a happy ending. The reason I don't get it, is because I stand in my own way.
STORY TIME!!!! SO I LOVE Once Upon a Time! It is my favorite show! and in the beginning of the show, I believe Prince Charming and Snow white were talking about there current situation. I believe it was them, everyone's always talking about their happy endings and such. But Charming says something like " look no matter how many times we try to be, something keeps getting in our way. maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be doing this." and Snow was like "yea, or it could be that no matter what tries tear us apart we always find a way to be together." It's that "is the glass half empty or half full" question. It's the lens for which we try to see things out of that should change. Not trying to control who comes in to your life and how, what and why. I'm doing too much.
All I know is that this weekend I really stepped up to the plate. I performed in a show that probably could have been organized better. But I just took initiative and took the wheel. I wound up hosting and performing and directing almost. and in that moment of chaos in my head I thought, I love this moment and I wish I had someone to share it with. Someone that says babe I'm so proud of you! Or that says nothing at all but is standing there for me. It was then that I realized that of course I can do it on my own, duh. But I don't want to. And I'm never gonna get closer to my happy ending by pulling the rug from under my own feet. I know I can do bad all by myself. I don't need to prove that anymore. Nobody's challenging me on that either. But I'm not fronting on myself anymore. I'm so sorry that, that interest had to be let go. I find some really really terrific girls and I just run them ragged. I don't see past my own hurt. I don't look at it from there POV.
My mission now, continue to take myself on dates and doing things that empower me. But remember not to front. Don't take moments away from myself. Or afraid to be in a moment because I don't want to get played. I'm gonna start by taking life minute by minute. Saying thanks for 5 things and asking help. Not feeding into that voice. Instead of creating problems, create art work. Create opportunities for stability, in whatever form you need it most. Slowly taking down that wall of pride. Do things for me and career building not for popularity. I'm sorry that it's not with her, and yet again I will have deal with the fact that she is the one that got away, I understand. I just miss her so much. When I saw her last night, it was bitter sweet. As painful as it is accept that I fcuked shit up. I will learn from this. It will not be easy. But I will be happy.
Elysium
Current Song(s):
Reconsider- The Xx (Jamie XX remix)
River- Ibeyi
Stimela- Wynter Gordon
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Be the Bite...
I started to think long and hard. One thought led to another, which led to another which led to another. Hmm where do I start. aaahhhh fcuking blocked. Okay, okay okay. I've been just trying to wake myself up a bit. A lot. Having a lot of "come to jesus" moments over the last few days. Currently feeling like a snow globe thats been shaken up only to adjust and be calm again. I guess things need to get shaken up a bit add, a little chaos to appreciate the view as the vision becomes clearer. I just need a better handle on myself when my globe gets rattled. I need my zen and I can't find it although for the sake of my sanity I may just have to cave in. Coraline is my zen movie. In fact for different freak outs I have certain movies or shows that need to be watched over and over again in order for me to feel whole. like Hannah Montana, The Jungle Book, Labyrinth, Coraline, The Cosby show, Too Wong Fu. I think that's it. I can't find my Coraline and it's the only movie I need right now. I guess for the 3rd time I will buy this movie. I feel a little crazy without it. To be honest, I feel a crazy without a couple other things, like my full ipod, because mine died a long a time ago. I make due but it's not the same. My room, which is currently being inhabited by a 3 year old. It tips me a bit. I know I'm home but I'm not home. I don't really feel like I have one. It's okay, it's just where I am right now and that's fine. Having my entire career situation be based off freelance work. Just jumping right in, yea I must be crazy, because it's so slow right now.
Anyway the point is I've been waking myself up. Smacking myself out of STUPID. I catch history repeating. Me pushing like hell even when I have no reason too. Because I've been sleeping. Living in a dream. Telling myself "I'm young" or "when I get older". I'm lolly gagging, thinking I have forever. Not taking proper steps to "older". In return I lash out and start feeling insecure about things that aren't anybody's fault but my own. Granted there are things in my past that hurt me, but they aren't the things that continue to hurt me its me, that hurts me. and Hurt me, blames others all whilst hurting others. I'm projecting my own feelings on to others. and letting the fact that I'm usually right come in the way of the fact that I could actually be wrong.( OH LORDT don't let nobody tell elyse she's wrong, she'll fight you to the death.) But I could be wrong and I think I am wrong about some things, not everything but the important things. But asking for space isn't a bad thing. Needing time to regroup and figure shit out is not terrible. And that's when it hit me. I need to start putting some bite behind that bark. Feeling jealous or insecure is only coming because I'm not pushing myself nearly as hard as I could be. I'm not afraid to try, I'm lazy. I start beating myself up because I know I'm not giving it all I have and I see people in positions that I should be in and I'm still sitting around sleep. But yet and still I'm mad at them when it ain't bout them. Be the Bite! not the Bark. Confidence is sexy as fcuk and dating someone who isn't is lame. and that Lame ass is me. Funny thing is I'm doing enough for her to still think I'm amazing, but I don't wanna be all smoke and mirrors and filters.
My sister is possibly moving out, and her process is really hitting me, central. It's all about the steps and laying ground work for the "When I get older". Start thinking realistically about my life. What is my 5 year plan? I've always managed to dodge that question but seriously what is it? ya know. I'm starting to see, the vision is becoming much more clear. I finally opened up to "boo thang" why it was that I didn't want kids. I was almost sure I scared her off. still not totally convinced but also recognizing the other parts of my reason. Not being let down, if it never happens for me. Telling myself that my life isn't validated by what others think I should have. My life is my journey. However, It doesn't mean that I just never try. I should always be setting myself up for success not failure. I don't like people bringing up their past so why do I keep bringing up mine and almost revel in it? see, setting myself up for failure. I need to start welcoming in that positivity again and stop closing doors because I don't think I'm worthy. Or because my heads in the clouds and I over estimated.
If she is the one to stick around, then I sure hope she does. She read me some of her entries about me and I lost my shit, that night I couldn't keep it in. Cried sooo hard. I really did not want her to see it, I never do. and by never I mean, this has happened before. History repeated, and I knew it. I only do it to the ones I'm truly serious about. It doesn't make it okay but I saw the pattern and I hated myself even more for seeing the pattern and being such ass. For not being able to check myself. Feeling the battle of pride within me, and not wanting to let that pride go. Telling myself this is how I am, I'm good to be single. But what if that was a lie? and what if I was staring it in the face. What if you let this one get away? I feel amazing when I'm single, like I'm gonna conquer the world and well I usually do. But me being who I am. I want both. I want to conquer the world with someone, while still feeling as fearless and confident as I do when I'm alone. There were so many "come to jesus" moments that spilled out from that day to today and I know it's not over. But it slapped me up and I got serious. Because this isn't "Boo thangs" problem it's mine. and it would be rather Michael Hamme of me to make anyone feel like it was their fault when it's not entirely.
Any way, I really hope I'm wrong about my doubts because really, I want her to stay.
Current Song (s):
Hunter- Portishead
I'm on Fire- Awolnation
Teardrops- Massive Attack
Paradise Circus- Massive Attack
Anyway the point is I've been waking myself up. Smacking myself out of STUPID. I catch history repeating. Me pushing like hell even when I have no reason too. Because I've been sleeping. Living in a dream. Telling myself "I'm young" or "when I get older". I'm lolly gagging, thinking I have forever. Not taking proper steps to "older". In return I lash out and start feeling insecure about things that aren't anybody's fault but my own. Granted there are things in my past that hurt me, but they aren't the things that continue to hurt me its me, that hurts me. and Hurt me, blames others all whilst hurting others. I'm projecting my own feelings on to others. and letting the fact that I'm usually right come in the way of the fact that I could actually be wrong.( OH LORDT don't let nobody tell elyse she's wrong, she'll fight you to the death.) But I could be wrong and I think I am wrong about some things, not everything but the important things. But asking for space isn't a bad thing. Needing time to regroup and figure shit out is not terrible. And that's when it hit me. I need to start putting some bite behind that bark. Feeling jealous or insecure is only coming because I'm not pushing myself nearly as hard as I could be. I'm not afraid to try, I'm lazy. I start beating myself up because I know I'm not giving it all I have and I see people in positions that I should be in and I'm still sitting around sleep. But yet and still I'm mad at them when it ain't bout them. Be the Bite! not the Bark. Confidence is sexy as fcuk and dating someone who isn't is lame. and that Lame ass is me. Funny thing is I'm doing enough for her to still think I'm amazing, but I don't wanna be all smoke and mirrors and filters.
My sister is possibly moving out, and her process is really hitting me, central. It's all about the steps and laying ground work for the "When I get older". Start thinking realistically about my life. What is my 5 year plan? I've always managed to dodge that question but seriously what is it? ya know. I'm starting to see, the vision is becoming much more clear. I finally opened up to "boo thang" why it was that I didn't want kids. I was almost sure I scared her off. still not totally convinced but also recognizing the other parts of my reason. Not being let down, if it never happens for me. Telling myself that my life isn't validated by what others think I should have. My life is my journey. However, It doesn't mean that I just never try. I should always be setting myself up for success not failure. I don't like people bringing up their past so why do I keep bringing up mine and almost revel in it? see, setting myself up for failure. I need to start welcoming in that positivity again and stop closing doors because I don't think I'm worthy. Or because my heads in the clouds and I over estimated.
If she is the one to stick around, then I sure hope she does. She read me some of her entries about me and I lost my shit, that night I couldn't keep it in. Cried sooo hard. I really did not want her to see it, I never do. and by never I mean, this has happened before. History repeated, and I knew it. I only do it to the ones I'm truly serious about. It doesn't make it okay but I saw the pattern and I hated myself even more for seeing the pattern and being such ass. For not being able to check myself. Feeling the battle of pride within me, and not wanting to let that pride go. Telling myself this is how I am, I'm good to be single. But what if that was a lie? and what if I was staring it in the face. What if you let this one get away? I feel amazing when I'm single, like I'm gonna conquer the world and well I usually do. But me being who I am. I want both. I want to conquer the world with someone, while still feeling as fearless and confident as I do when I'm alone. There were so many "come to jesus" moments that spilled out from that day to today and I know it's not over. But it slapped me up and I got serious. Because this isn't "Boo thangs" problem it's mine. and it would be rather Michael Hamme of me to make anyone feel like it was their fault when it's not entirely.
Any way, I really hope I'm wrong about my doubts because really, I want her to stay.
Current Song (s):
Hunter- Portishead
I'm on Fire- Awolnation
Teardrops- Massive Attack
Paradise Circus- Massive Attack
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Revisited... good grief
And there it is again... THE coma... The one where I've mysteriously slipped and smacked my head on stupid. Maybe there was a slight comfort in cuddling with hurt. Familial pain. The pain that rocked me back to sleep nights and nights on end. I laid open. Guard down, arms out, palms up. Staring into my memory. and letting me rock into sleep. Half pissed at myself for allowing pandora to keep her box open. And half willing to dive into the abyss.
I read a post "Soulmate Vs. Life Partner". I never believed in Soul mates. I thought it was a crock of shit. She always believed I was hers (mmm actually can't be sure, but I may have auditioned for that role and I feel like I got the part, whether I wanted it or not). And I always felt guilty because I didn't believe she was mine. Such fuckary danced around in my head, it drove me mad. "She's not your fcuking soulmate! You're perpetrating a lie!" I was always yelling at myself. Through the years I've talked about the soulmate concept and someone said to me once "Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean they're the one you end up with."... "Wait What?! That doesn't make any sense". The more they explained the more I understood and thought "hmm, they could be on to something". It's been a concept that I toyed with... Put it down walk away from and I guess I'm back to it, especially after reading that post. It described a soulmate and Life Partner. It described us soooo well, It solidified everything, it made all my hauntings okay. Fcuk, she was my soulmate, no way around it. And she haunts me and I beat myself up over it. It's really not my fault, cause it's not everyday. It's literally when there is something going on in my life that I need to pay attention to or address. AND there's another element that may have not been properly scoped before with my latest ex, Something that I over looked and now it's vital that I learn and understand because I need to know what my next move will be. I am caught between wanting the elements of a Soulmate but wanting the Life Partner.
The soulmate is exciting, intense. It's the thriller movie that has you from start to finish. It's not stable, it's emotional. It feels like life or death. It's dramatic. It exposes. It can keep you on your toes. You will definitely learn something. There is a mess that will be made and it will need you to clean up but very carefully. It kind of reminds me of "Clarity" by Zedd. There's a connection and a fire even when you don't want it to be. Then there's Life Partner. It is more stable. It's exciting but stable. More Ideal. Less life or death, less dramatic if you will. Stable. It's not so catastrophic. There will be problems, it can be exciting but it's probably not life altering. There's a fine line. This article really helps to break it down further. But I often wonder, will I get that feeling back? Do I want that feeling back? I don't want to settle because I'm scared to feel those things again. and I don't want to look for that feeling if that's not really the feeling I need. And with every transition that's happening right now, I feel like I'm losing ground sometimes. It feels like I'm back at square one. I feel crazy.
I've been very fortunate to have such a strong minded family and support system that walk me through these freak outs. They help me put so many things into perspective. Mainly because they know I'll get there eventually. I'm not a dumb girl, although sometimes I do wish I were. I know what really needs to be done and I'm starting to understand why I catapult so hard into the "labyrinth" every time she haunts me. I Just wish could turn the other cheek and just be oblivious as fuck, I'm not. I just want to learn what it is that I need to learn, quickly. It makes me nauseous to think, sometimes. Makes me angry to devote head space to such a ghost. But I guess I'm not too upset about it either. The way I operate, I always need an answer, So I couldn't go through life not being able to understand my emotions and what sets me off. I don't like repeating the same mistakes and at the end of the day your true feelings always manage to manifest themselves. May as well address it. and well, I'm a little exhausted.
I feel myself getting angry, I feel tears of regret. Feeling like I really wasn't ready for a relationship like that and wishing it never happened. A soulmate is something I never strived for I never wanted that shit! I never wanted someone to come through my house, tear everything out of my closets, fcuk shit up and then "mic drop", leaving me to clean all this shit up myself. Like who do you think you are?! fcuking Hurricane Sandy and shit. It's like you sitting minding your business, eating a bag of chips or some shit and someone comes by and smacks that shit out of your hands and walks away, like fuck, really?! now you sitting there thinking like "well if I just held the bag tighter it wouldn't have fell!" or "What if I was paying attention and seen it coming?!" or like "If I just ate them really quickly, I coulda been like AAAAAhhhh jokes on your cuz the bag is empty fucker!!". But it happened and all you can do is say well, it happened. I mean really ... and yet somehow I just love to compare shit to her, like for what? Why you sabotaging for? Just to get a really good struggles snuggles with hurt... It's comforting because hurt will always come back. I guess you can look at it from another lens and say Happiness will always come back. We all out here hurt and trying to prevent it by hurting the other first. We've all been there. so like "Boohoo Bitch!" and Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel (you've seen my post, a stay crying about something) like how I wish I was a strong as my middle sister. She's my hero. Never thought I'd say that! HA!!! Nah, This situation has me forever conflicted between wanting to be like "okay but did you see how amazing I'm right now? Bye Bridget!" and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and have a temper tantrum because of all the things that were "done to me"...
But I think I'm done with this pity party. The waves will come as they come and, for now, I'll just ride them. Maybe get dragged under a few times. But if my crying over all the things she took from me, or everything wrong that happened is the worst thing that I have to complain about right now, then I'm being a selfish brat because all the things I've gained in return. Like "pat yourself on the back kid you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. And that will be your biggest downfall before whatever that 'hiccup' was." Learn and grow. and prepare to learn some more. It never ends, be thankful for that, not scared.
Ugh I'm going through it, I need jesus to take the wheel! hahaha I can't
That article:
http://www.foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners
Elysium
Reconsider (Jamie xx)- The Xx
Zombie- The Cranberries
Hunter- Portishead
Born to Die- Lana Del Raye
Unusual you- Britney Spears
I read a post "Soulmate Vs. Life Partner". I never believed in Soul mates. I thought it was a crock of shit. She always believed I was hers (mmm actually can't be sure, but I may have auditioned for that role and I feel like I got the part, whether I wanted it or not). And I always felt guilty because I didn't believe she was mine. Such fuckary danced around in my head, it drove me mad. "She's not your fcuking soulmate! You're perpetrating a lie!" I was always yelling at myself. Through the years I've talked about the soulmate concept and someone said to me once "Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean they're the one you end up with."... "Wait What?! That doesn't make any sense". The more they explained the more I understood and thought "hmm, they could be on to something". It's been a concept that I toyed with... Put it down walk away from and I guess I'm back to it, especially after reading that post. It described a soulmate and Life Partner. It described us soooo well, It solidified everything, it made all my hauntings okay. Fcuk, she was my soulmate, no way around it. And she haunts me and I beat myself up over it. It's really not my fault, cause it's not everyday. It's literally when there is something going on in my life that I need to pay attention to or address. AND there's another element that may have not been properly scoped before with my latest ex, Something that I over looked and now it's vital that I learn and understand because I need to know what my next move will be. I am caught between wanting the elements of a Soulmate but wanting the Life Partner.
The soulmate is exciting, intense. It's the thriller movie that has you from start to finish. It's not stable, it's emotional. It feels like life or death. It's dramatic. It exposes. It can keep you on your toes. You will definitely learn something. There is a mess that will be made and it will need you to clean up but very carefully. It kind of reminds me of "Clarity" by Zedd. There's a connection and a fire even when you don't want it to be. Then there's Life Partner. It is more stable. It's exciting but stable. More Ideal. Less life or death, less dramatic if you will. Stable. It's not so catastrophic. There will be problems, it can be exciting but it's probably not life altering. There's a fine line. This article really helps to break it down further. But I often wonder, will I get that feeling back? Do I want that feeling back? I don't want to settle because I'm scared to feel those things again. and I don't want to look for that feeling if that's not really the feeling I need. And with every transition that's happening right now, I feel like I'm losing ground sometimes. It feels like I'm back at square one. I feel crazy.
I've been very fortunate to have such a strong minded family and support system that walk me through these freak outs. They help me put so many things into perspective. Mainly because they know I'll get there eventually. I'm not a dumb girl, although sometimes I do wish I were. I know what really needs to be done and I'm starting to understand why I catapult so hard into the "labyrinth" every time she haunts me. I Just wish could turn the other cheek and just be oblivious as fuck, I'm not. I just want to learn what it is that I need to learn, quickly. It makes me nauseous to think, sometimes. Makes me angry to devote head space to such a ghost. But I guess I'm not too upset about it either. The way I operate, I always need an answer, So I couldn't go through life not being able to understand my emotions and what sets me off. I don't like repeating the same mistakes and at the end of the day your true feelings always manage to manifest themselves. May as well address it. and well, I'm a little exhausted.
I feel myself getting angry, I feel tears of regret. Feeling like I really wasn't ready for a relationship like that and wishing it never happened. A soulmate is something I never strived for I never wanted that shit! I never wanted someone to come through my house, tear everything out of my closets, fcuk shit up and then "mic drop", leaving me to clean all this shit up myself. Like who do you think you are?! fcuking Hurricane Sandy and shit. It's like you sitting minding your business, eating a bag of chips or some shit and someone comes by and smacks that shit out of your hands and walks away, like fuck, really?! now you sitting there thinking like "well if I just held the bag tighter it wouldn't have fell!" or "What if I was paying attention and seen it coming?!" or like "If I just ate them really quickly, I coulda been like AAAAAhhhh jokes on your cuz the bag is empty fucker!!". But it happened and all you can do is say well, it happened. I mean really ... and yet somehow I just love to compare shit to her, like for what? Why you sabotaging for? Just to get a really good struggles snuggles with hurt... It's comforting because hurt will always come back. I guess you can look at it from another lens and say Happiness will always come back. We all out here hurt and trying to prevent it by hurting the other first. We've all been there. so like "Boohoo Bitch!" and Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel (you've seen my post, a stay crying about something) like how I wish I was a strong as my middle sister. She's my hero. Never thought I'd say that! HA!!! Nah, This situation has me forever conflicted between wanting to be like "okay but did you see how amazing I'm right now? Bye Bridget!" and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and have a temper tantrum because of all the things that were "done to me"...
But I think I'm done with this pity party. The waves will come as they come and, for now, I'll just ride them. Maybe get dragged under a few times. But if my crying over all the things she took from me, or everything wrong that happened is the worst thing that I have to complain about right now, then I'm being a selfish brat because all the things I've gained in return. Like "pat yourself on the back kid you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. And that will be your biggest downfall before whatever that 'hiccup' was." Learn and grow. and prepare to learn some more. It never ends, be thankful for that, not scared.
Ugh I'm going through it, I need jesus to take the wheel! hahaha I can't
That article:
http://www.foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners
Elysium
Reconsider (Jamie xx)- The Xx
Zombie- The Cranberries
Hunter- Portishead
Born to Die- Lana Del Raye
Unusual you- Britney Spears
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
"The waters"
And as the day turned to night, I had put my full trust and confidence in you. Into the waters of uncertainty we marched. Nothing mattered as long as I was by your side. The water grew dark and anxious. I couldn't hold on to you anymore. Treading fiercely, going under surely, the water obstructed my view. You were drifting farther and farther away when the waves whisk me back to shore, slamming me against jagged rocks and cobble. Slipping, trying to gain my footing, emerging from the water and you slipped under, You were gone. As I looked around, noticing the others wading on rocking ground. They too held their hopes proud. And I broke down. letting out every shrill and sob that had ever belonged to me. My sobs grew deeper, screams louder, body weaker remembering the moments before. The moments we held each other in a warm, secure embrace and I literally saw myself in your eyes. In my giddy little school girl way, trying to hold in all my excitement for our journey together, rejoicing and singing praises of our unity. For I have never seen a man, so beautiful and so kind and truly feeling content. Curse me! I should not have been washed upon the sea. I didn't care about the waves I would have endured them because we were together. I wanted us. Angry that I know, something is telling me I can't have "us". Where ever he was going, wasn't for me.
I through myself into hysterics so hard the convulsions woke me up. and I laid there with my eyes open thinking what the hell dream is that! I was exhausted, confused. I know when my dreams are rubbish, but this one is now the trilogy. I need help with this one. I seriously think I'm confronting issues that I've been evaluating for years and yet maybe I'm not and I'm missing it altogether. My mind is jumping to the worst things possible. I'm trying to calm myself down and think metaphorically, um I seriously need to breathe and calm down.
Fix it jesus!
ELyse
Current Song(s):
Farther Away- Evanescence
Lost In the World- Kanye West & Bon Iver
I through myself into hysterics so hard the convulsions woke me up. and I laid there with my eyes open thinking what the hell dream is that! I was exhausted, confused. I know when my dreams are rubbish, but this one is now the trilogy. I need help with this one. I seriously think I'm confronting issues that I've been evaluating for years and yet maybe I'm not and I'm missing it altogether. My mind is jumping to the worst things possible. I'm trying to calm myself down and think metaphorically, um I seriously need to breathe and calm down.
Fix it jesus!
ELyse
Current Song(s):
Farther Away- Evanescence
Lost In the World- Kanye West & Bon Iver
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I'll be alright carry on :)
I just woke up and I was over it. I went up to Boston for the new years. All these thoughts were racing in my head like what if I was presented with a huge job offering because of the gig I had up there and I moved back?! I even txtd the ex to wish her a happy new year... I dont really think I felt good about doing that. But as I woke up the next day just saying "okay" and in a good way. Like I had accepted the fact that Boston isn't my home. I no longer wanted to be offered a job at my old spot and it was all okay. I was good to keep all of that up in Boston. Good to close the door. I had had so much fun meeting new people and hanging out with old ones that whatever wish I had for me and JB settled itself. And whatever I felt about the one who shall not be named, disappeared. It was a moment and it totally passed. Everything, for this moment, just passed. And that is all I need right now is moment. A moment to get back on my feet, take a deep breath, make a list and continue trucking. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to find the answer myself. Listen to myself and love myself and not shame myself for caring and loving people that are not worthy or deserving of it. Sometimes it happens. And well it happens a lot. This too shall pass.
eLLe*
Current song(s):
Hanging on- Active Child
eLLe*
Current song(s):
Hanging on- Active Child
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