I started to think long and hard. One thought led to another, which led to another which led to another. Hmm where do I start. aaahhhh fcuking blocked. Okay, okay okay. I've been just trying to wake myself up a bit. A lot. Having a lot of "come to jesus" moments over the last few days. Currently feeling like a snow globe thats been shaken up only to adjust and be calm again. I guess things need to get shaken up a bit add, a little chaos to appreciate the view as the vision becomes clearer. I just need a better handle on myself when my globe gets rattled. I need my zen and I can't find it although for the sake of my sanity I may just have to cave in. Coraline is my zen movie. In fact for different freak outs I have certain movies or shows that need to be watched over and over again in order for me to feel whole. like Hannah Montana, The Jungle Book, Labyrinth, Coraline, The Cosby show, Too Wong Fu. I think that's it. I can't find my Coraline and it's the only movie I need right now. I guess for the 3rd time I will buy this movie. I feel a little crazy without it. To be honest, I feel a crazy without a couple other things, like my full ipod, because mine died a long a time ago. I make due but it's not the same. My room, which is currently being inhabited by a 3 year old. It tips me a bit. I know I'm home but I'm not home. I don't really feel like I have one. It's okay, it's just where I am right now and that's fine. Having my entire career situation be based off freelance work. Just jumping right in, yea I must be crazy, because it's so slow right now.
Anyway the point is I've been waking myself up. Smacking myself out of STUPID. I catch history repeating. Me pushing like hell even when I have no reason too. Because I've been sleeping. Living in a dream. Telling myself "I'm young" or "when I get older". I'm lolly gagging, thinking I have forever. Not taking proper steps to "older". In return I lash out and start feeling insecure about things that aren't anybody's fault but my own. Granted there are things in my past that hurt me, but they aren't the things that continue to hurt me its me, that hurts me. and Hurt me, blames others all whilst hurting others. I'm projecting my own feelings on to others. and letting the fact that I'm usually right come in the way of the fact that I could actually be wrong.( OH LORDT don't let nobody tell elyse she's wrong, she'll fight you to the death.) But I could be wrong and I think I am wrong about some things, not everything but the important things. But asking for space isn't a bad thing. Needing time to regroup and figure shit out is not terrible. And that's when it hit me. I need to start putting some bite behind that bark. Feeling jealous or insecure is only coming because I'm not pushing myself nearly as hard as I could be. I'm not afraid to try, I'm lazy. I start beating myself up because I know I'm not giving it all I have and I see people in positions that I should be in and I'm still sitting around sleep. But yet and still I'm mad at them when it ain't bout them. Be the Bite! not the Bark. Confidence is sexy as fcuk and dating someone who isn't is lame. and that Lame ass is me. Funny thing is I'm doing enough for her to still think I'm amazing, but I don't wanna be all smoke and mirrors and filters.
My sister is possibly moving out, and her process is really hitting me, central. It's all about the steps and laying ground work for the "When I get older". Start thinking realistically about my life. What is my 5 year plan? I've always managed to dodge that question but seriously what is it? ya know. I'm starting to see, the vision is becoming much more clear. I finally opened up to "boo thang" why it was that I didn't want kids. I was almost sure I scared her off. still not totally convinced but also recognizing the other parts of my reason. Not being let down, if it never happens for me. Telling myself that my life isn't validated by what others think I should have. My life is my journey. However, It doesn't mean that I just never try. I should always be setting myself up for success not failure. I don't like people bringing up their past so why do I keep bringing up mine and almost revel in it? see, setting myself up for failure. I need to start welcoming in that positivity again and stop closing doors because I don't think I'm worthy. Or because my heads in the clouds and I over estimated.
If she is the one to stick around, then I sure hope she does. She read me some of her entries about me and I lost my shit, that night I couldn't keep it in. Cried sooo hard. I really did not want her to see it, I never do. and by never I mean, this has happened before. History repeated, and I knew it. I only do it to the ones I'm truly serious about. It doesn't make it okay but I saw the pattern and I hated myself even more for seeing the pattern and being such ass. For not being able to check myself. Feeling the battle of pride within me, and not wanting to let that pride go. Telling myself this is how I am, I'm good to be single. But what if that was a lie? and what if I was staring it in the face. What if you let this one get away? I feel amazing when I'm single, like I'm gonna conquer the world and well I usually do. But me being who I am. I want both. I want to conquer the world with someone, while still feeling as fearless and confident as I do when I'm alone. There were so many "come to jesus" moments that spilled out from that day to today and I know it's not over. But it slapped me up and I got serious. Because this isn't "Boo thangs" problem it's mine. and it would be rather Michael Hamme of me to make anyone feel like it was their fault when it's not entirely.
Any way, I really hope I'm wrong about my doubts because really, I want her to stay.
Current Song (s):
Hunter- Portishead
I'm on Fire- Awolnation
Teardrops- Massive Attack
Paradise Circus- Massive Attack
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