Here's to the road ahead.

     I really wanted to cry but the thing is, I had no tears to give. Also you know that moment, when you find yourself talking about something that you've been talking about for the longest time, and as you talk about it you're like... Ugh bitch it's over and done with. Well. My come to Jesus moment; my family is my family, I'd rather be super close with my mom because she's an amazing one, my sisters are stupid bitches but when I needed them they were there for me, my dad's tom foolery adds for comic relief (if I can allow myself to laugh at the fact that he's just a lost cause and stop being so sensitive) and I'm just a queen, a head strong, passionate queen that flips out whenever given the opportunity. I don't need to like them all the time. And to be quite honest it might benefit me to make that vocal more often. Anyway to keep painting this picture of this terrible family that I have I quite childish. Because they are in no way terrible. They're human they suck. I can choose to fcuk with them when I want to or back the fcuk off. It took me years to learn that. It also took me to last month and really last night to realize. I'm not uncle Rico. The past happened. Most of it happened exactly the way you saw it happening. And whilst I will always reflect on the past, I'm just not there anymore. I don't want to be, dude it's lame. And as much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. I think that possibly, It's time to stop denying what I want, I guess I've just been sorting it all out and trying to figure out just what exactly is that?
I'll continue onward. Set backs aren't the end. They are annoying but I don't know whatever.


*Elysium

Current song(s):

Valentines Day

      I woke up like this! I woke up like this! Happy!!! HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING VALENTINES DAY PEOPLE!!! Oh yes I just said happy valentines day!! I actually don't feel like bah humbug today... Everything has just been everything recently. The moments where I start to worry about something, I actually feel at ease because I know it's gonna work out. I feel at ease.  And when I feel this way I take the time to try to plan out what's gonna happen next.  And I gotta say I'm happy to see where this new project takes me! I'll give more details shortly because I'm extremely happy about it. Ah! You know me and God are like going back and forth right now, it's a good back and forth. It's like when you first start talking to someone and you have these little cutsie back and forths, you don't see eye to eye all the time but you know that ultimately you have the same goal at heart and your just being a ball buster but the disagreeing is all light hearted. That's how we are right now. With my job with the relationships I've been forming. My future. He's watching me walk around like I'm the big kahuna! I control my life and how it turns out and everything that happens from now to then. And he's like oh yea? That's cute... Imma let you finish but we're gonna go down this path instead. And I'm like "nope backspace delete" and he does it anyway and I'm like you right you right. I'm telling you, I'm fighting less and less with the things that are gonna happen anyway, fighting less with things that have already happened , fighting less with my own success and how beautiful I was, I am and will be. I fight with happiness. It's always been a dream and truthfully it is my reality. Today is valentines day and I love myself today tomorrow everyday! I may not like myself 365 but I do respect and love myself.

Today... Today will be a great day

Elysium

Currently song (s):

All is full of love- Björk
Secret Door- Evanescence
A dream is a wish your heart makes- Disney

Haunted

     I'm fcuking haunted right now. I'm so restless, anxious and where I know I showed be sleep right now I'm not. When there are different messages strown about in my head, I have a hard time listening to all of them. No that's not true I hear ALL of them and that's the "problem". I'm not dumb I can't ignore the warning signs. But I will try to insinuate her into my life. Stop. I wanna renig on my decision. In fact the harder I protest against something the bigger an advocate I become. I'm a walking contradiction, hypocrite. What I hate I love, what I give life to I kill. I talk myself in circles. If I look on paper she's not perfect. But she meets all the criteria. It must be because it's winter. Cause If it were summer I'm sure I'd be like swerve! I'd just really love for my brain to shut off. Oh wait it did and that's what got me here. No that's not true. Maybe I like torture. In the long run, I like what I have to work for. Easy is nice and flattering. I'll always take it. I mean really everyone would take it. But something that makes me sit and actually form a blueprint, Gets my attention. It's a greater reward.
    My old habits are in a war with new ideas. And I hate getting in the way. Lol nope that sound crazy at all. I mean I have to step in at some point. Which is what I thought I did earlier. But my mood changed haha. I may not have ever wanted to make that... Oh what the shit elle. You pulled the trigger. That just happened. Get new victim to torture. You'll be leaving soon anyway and you'll find a new soul to torture. This is your life. Sit down. Carry on the wayward sun...

Elle*

Current song (s):

The boxer- Simon and Garfunkle

Restless

      You ever hear yourself talk and literally hear it hit the brick wall? And in another desperate attempt to get the ball rolling you search for another mindless "snapple fact" and it just kills cuz you know it's just gonna hit the wall, you feel it, and you do it anyway? And suddenly you realize you're reaching. That was me today attempting to talk to my mom. Only she's too busy preparing for this vacation and I can't be too sure that she was ever the one I really want to talk to. But she usually does the trick. Today I felt like Coraline trying to talk to her mother and she's not into it... Is there a little door in my house somewhere?! Shit I already have a black cat!! I mean it's not like there's anything really exciting going on. Oh who am I kidding, of course shits exciting, there really is no cause I just feel better.
     Okay okay fine! I just need my mind to be settled and distracted because I'm having a hard time being here now, she's all I want I do and it's not an option... I took a trip down memory lane and I just feel so great about it. I looked at old videos of my birthday in '11 and could not stop smiling and laughing. I was ferocious. Hell! I still am! But it was great to look back at myself and not cringe, I looked back at a time where I felt so ugly and realized I really wasn't. I wasn't big, in fact I'm bigger now, but I was dope and I beat up on myself so hard for no reason. I lost myself so hard. Those videos are just epic! Truly entertaining! And then you come home to a beautiful blue house with this huge yard and realize (a) this will always be my home (b) I really am rich. It's not just about the material things I have, but the people in my life, the energy, my job, my talents... Everyday I'm reminded of what I have all the small things, and I realized I don't want to beat up on myself and put someone above me that won't lift me up. I want to do this alone. I want to keep going, keep discovering Elysium because it's truly been a blessing. I can be really oblivious. Possibly why my friends get so frustrated with me cuz it's really been too long. And I've exhausted the situation long enough. I'm bout to break out in "let it go" from frozen and "defying gravity" from wicked. Okay I really don't know if that's the correct name from frozen but who cares, I know what I'm talking about even if you don't.
       I tangentize too much... My point was when I feel good about something I want to share it. And because recently I've been spending time with someone more than anyone and I'm starting to put her in THAT role. And she doesn't belong in that role. No matter what. I have to remind myself  "all that shimmers isn't diamonds, it could be a rhinestone. It's nice but it ain't legit. There's nothing btwn us but sexual attraction... I can't go sharing with her because I will be let down. So hard. I've already shared enough with her. Let's be real she's just a "decoy". Every now and again God sends me someone right when I've sworn off partnership and vowed to be alone and happy with that decision. I think he's showing I do have the capability to jump into something with someone, and truly give it my all, but they aren't the ones. I don't think it's my time. But he's letting me know it is out there, just when the time is right. So now I'm sitting at home awaiting this vacation telling myself "you don't miss her. Calm down move along..." Not gonna lie I think I needed that pep talk. Almost tripped onto some feelings... Swerve!  Bye Felicia!
I'm really just too into myself right now, and that's right where I wanna be

*Elysium

Current song(s):

Defying Gravity - Wicked
Hayling- FC Kahuna
All is full of love- Björk