Wash it all away

       And as I lay in bed. Unwinding from the day. I realized I'm exhausted. I'm simply exhausted trying to pin point her every move, decipher her none existing codes. Tap into her brainwaves. As recent as a month and a half maybe two months ago it was said that she thinks I'm completely over it. And as recent as three weeks ago it was stated that she's having a difficult time getting over me. And as recent as two weeks ago that she's dating someone new. Someone I know and someone I'm not particularly found of. And this just doesn't help. I'm exhausted. Trying to play different scenarios of what could be going on or like how can I reach her. My number is blocked. She doesn't respond to emails and shit its really really cold in here! Shit I dead ass typed that! Crap I typed that too! Okay okay focus. There's gotta be a way to get through to her. But I'm really really growing weary. When I saw her it all went down hill. Like it did in Ptown. Like it did when her old boss decided to tell me she's moving back NYC. My fears are coming true like always with her. I'm nauseous. This will be a long winter. And I told myself that I would not bring this up to Boston. Leave this girl in New York and start anew. Where the fuck is she getting this "moved on" nonsense from. Talk to me! Right now I'm physically out of tears yet my soul is crying. And honestly that feels worse. Hol up I think my eyes just moistened a little. I hate that word moist blaahhh. I just feel sooo sore. My soul feels worped. I'd rather physically cry because at least you kinda feel good after. My soul hearts. And I know it because my dreams reflect it. I'm not sure of anything. Nothing at all. Well I'm sure that I'm exhausted yet I haven't exhausted the situation. I push myself to make these strides so she'd be proud so that I can learn be a better stronger person. If all of this is true and she's having a hard time or thinks I'm over it... Thought deleted. One part of me feels like "snuff" from slipknot... Another part of me feels like "no ordinary love"- Sade. And another feels like "October" and "wash it all away" from Evanescence. So what do I do know?? Follow her on IG? Her pictures are private CBS if I want to see them either, it might send me off. Do I see if my number is still blocked? Send an email that says I love you. And now I have a huge head ache. I just can't do this anymore. This thing will kill me. I'm so scared right now. I'm wicked scared :'-(


*Elyse


Current song

Wash it all away- Evanescence
October- Evanescence