Hmm I'm wondering if I should be upset. I'm taken a back. But not for the obvious. I guess I didn't realize I was so controversial. I'm but a mere ghost and yet I still anger people. And my first reaction is sorry, I'm not sorry. I will not turn down just because it makes someone uncomfortable. The issue is not me the issue is your own insecurity. I was told once "if you knock on the devils door, who do you expect to answer?" Truth mother fuckin serum! But in figuring out what my journey is. I've realized I'm not as invisible as I thought I was. That little girl in middle is not a little girl anymore. And if my "presence" makes you angry. That's not my issue. And for once I don't want to have control over how I make anyone feel! You have your opinion. But this is not the complain department. I don't need to talk about "the type of person I am". It will be misconstrued anyway. So I laugh. A chuckle. And then do my "demented stripper" dance. I don't take back anything! For every time I've cried over "lord voldamort" I felt more beautiful. There's something so beautiful and forgiving about vulnerability. Baring your soul, saying what you have to say and doing so without feeling regrets. That's for me not anybody else. I'm tired of holding my tongue. So much so I almost cursed my manager out. Needless to say we stayed out of each others way. But he loves me and I love him. He's a good dude. And we carry on. My cabaret show this past July. I bared it all. They were either laughing so hard they cried or they were crying period. I was raw and I was me. I'm troubled chic and Make that work.
So Thursday was Burlesque night. And man I gotta tell you I wanted to be on that stage so hard. There was an electricity in me that sparked a flame. In these last few years I've been realizing I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. In my own way. As long as its tasteful. Hahahaha. I'm not like extreme but I put myself out there for me to get nervous. Boston has really been inspiring great things in me. The takingoverization is commencing. And apparently has been for a while ha! What can I say I'm a Hamme bird. I have magic powers. Apparently I really do. I think we all do. More so its what you allow people to have over you. I did not single handedly do anything. But if you need yet another person to blame shit on. Then yes you can blame it on me, set your guilt free. I can only imagine all the shit Taylor swift gets for songs. I'll know what that's like soon. A girl once told me, nope actually two girls told me, on seperate occasions. That I'm a fighter. They didn't know me that well but they told me I was fighter. Me being down on myself I didn't believe them. But when I look back on everything I realized I haven't lost my muchness. And I will never compromise that, whether there it's a dancing gig, makeup gig, singing etc. I will never give up on myself again. And any friend that confides their deepest secrets I will not give up on them. I'll piss people off, and I'll inspire others. But I will be who I am for me. I will not curb my enthusiasm hahaha
The Portishead is like everything for me right now, there's been so much excitement today. From the funeral to a hectic night at work. Now I'm heading back to NY. So many adventures lined up. I'm spinning. It's time for a nap honey boo boo child.
*Elyse
Current song (s):
Hayling- FC Kahuna
Gravediggers song: Mark Lanegan Band
Sail- awolnation (ps this song is EVEYTHING)
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