Sail

         You ever drink alcohol and then have that nasty lingering taste in your mouth for the rest of the night, so now you're talking to people with stale breath. Like the drink was soo satsifying but the breath just ruins it. And the only way to get rid of it is to thuroughly brush your teeth rinse your mouth out and maybe eat something? Or you know when you eat food you shouldn't be, greasy and heavy crunchy saucy goodness, tastes good for a moment and then like after you eat it you're sluggish, and feeling groggy and just down right lazy and that lingers until you have to shit. I have that feeling currently but like I didn't drink or eat anything too heavy. I just feel a negativity hanging over me. I really just like need a cleansing. I just have such a nasty taste in my mouth. I went through my computer and like just cleared everything. A lot of deletion transpired. And it kinda felt good it was kind of really good. But I know there's a lot more that needs to be deleted. When I get my new computer I don't want any of that shit on there. I went and bonded with my sister over a workout at the damn. With my fresh sneakers! I hit so many personal goals. I know it's small but I held a plank for a minute. Twice! I did insanity crunches AND I sang whilst I ran. Which is so challenging, not only did I sing but I sang demi lovato's unbroken and my breath was pretty solid and consistent. These pole classes are really paying off. And I'm really happy about it. Between bonding with my mom and working out with my sisters and then feeling this horrible nagging feeling about something. It's probably he who shall not be named. But I really just want to detox. And as I drop butter off at the train station I drive home pensive. Txting my friends and loved ones with reminders of how much I truly love them. Because I just don't say it often. I get out of the car and there it is ORION'S belt.
         There's always been a strong connection with me and Orion's belt. It's from MIB. There's always a scene that recite everytime. In fact because of this scene my stepdad thought I should go into acting once he saw me do this whole scene. But it's the scene where the alien in the guys face was telling will smith where the galaxy is. It is my FAVORITE scene! But for the longest time I didn't know that onions belt was in the constellation or is one idk how to say that correctly. I became so obsessed with it, what it looked like etc. and once I found it I never lost it again. I wasn't good at finding the dipper and etc. so once I did I always got all fuzzy inside. And then sitting under the stars trying to name them just became my thing. It reminded me of sitting outside with my mom during the blackout. Or in 7th grade sleeping over my BFFs house and we'd go to pathmark's parking lot lay under the stars. They just do shit for my soul and it never left me. Clearly because tonight and last night I look out and imediately Orion finds me. My moms garden reminds me of like this whole other world. And to look up at the stars and the moon. Takes me to a place so familiar and warm inside. I wish I was happy when I saw it. Instead I just thought of Ly.
           That girl drives me nuts. I always say I'm so done with her but she comes back and I can't stay mad at her. I even asked my sister what does this all mean, they're both gemini's. she made a quick re-entrance back in my life and as quick as she's there she's gone again. I don't like when she leaves but yet some how I'm there when she returns. Even when I don't want to be. We're just so on when we are. I hear her voice and I feel calm again. Or course she's a Gemini, usually gemini's capture me in a way that says I will put up with your shit, even when I tell you I won't. They make me feel relaxed and myself. It never fails. But when we're not talking its sooooo frustrating. All the times Ly got on my nerves I couldn't stay mad she's just too... Her. She gives me word vomit. I express myself, and then it scares her. Ugh. It's frustrating because I know I scare her. I'm not that average girl and it freaks her out. I'd really like to talk to her. But I'm so fickle I just need to wait until November. If she's not with anyone and I'm not expecting to be, I'll see what happens. She pulls the rug from under me. It was so great to know that while I danced on Ptown and even in NYC, but mainly Ptown, that I could dance and these girls would be in awe with me but that I had someone to go to at night. She doesn't know it but i still have the roses she sent me, and the letter she left me while I was sleep and
she went to work. I wish we could get that together. But I doubt that so I'll just put that out of my mind for now or forever. I miss her so much.  We drive each other mad.


*Elyse


Current song(s):

Sail- awolnation
A beautiful mess- Jason Mraz

To be continued.

         Tonight I gave my name and number to a cop. But it wasn't for dinner and drinks. Deep in thought as I left stiletto. Trying to figure out the range of emotion the music left me in. And I stop because a girl is topless with no shoes asking for help. She's on this girls phone, who I assumed to be her friend. Of course I imediately think "ugh drunk white girls" but I also noticed the man I saw with OD plumbers crack no charging at her aggressively trying to force her in the house. So I stopped and realized she's trying to get away. And the girl she was with was not her friend but a passer by. A bunch of us stepped in. Until the cops came. We stayed for a few. And honestly I have no idea what I feel about it. Completely confused. I was apart of a group called STARs Students Terminating Abusive Relationships. And the one thing I knew, was that this probably isn't over. I'm looking at his face as he's in handcuffs and her hysterical. And I'm thinking, she'll go back to him. I couldn't help but wonder if we made it better or worse. But she needed help and I couldn't look away. Diva gave the girl her sweater but was also like talking to the guy inside the building. Was this a routine? Was she crying wolf? I don't care not on my watch. I'm not taking chances. It is a sticky situation. And he'll know where to find her when they release him. I pray for their shenanigans to end.
         I trailed so far behind diva and butter. I just needed to think, to feel. I wanted to continue dancing. Sometimes I just need to dance things through. There's a song that I bought its been on repeat so hard. And it's stuck in my head. I'm thinking I need to rent studio space and just go HAM. I'm so tired of thinking. I'm really tired of talking. This morning jaff is like do you always look like you're deep in thought. And I'm like shit! But I really always am. I'm "always" checked out. I think I came off like I was interested. But I was just in my head trying to see if I could create a life for us and I didn't see it. And again it's not cuz I'm not interested, but yet again I go for the girl that lives no where near me. But she's hella adorable. I'm totally her type. And I completely shut the door. There's no use in getting excited about it. I think my guard was way up today. It showed. But I was so excited to see her that when I finally did I was like stone.
          I just feel like for right now it's not in my cards, there's so much that needs to get accomplished right now. Pretty much ain't nobody got time for that. But in turn you do wish you had someone to go to bed with at night. And right now it just seems like everyone is just out doing each other and I'm not about that life. It's sloppy and unoriginal and uninspiring. So I've been closing doors. And some I don't even bother to answer. Ugh I have more to write but I can't keep my eyes open, which I'm glad that this time I'm in my bed and not behind the wheel.
Til next time


*elyse

Current song(s):

Sail- awolnation
Radioactive- imagine dragons

Here's some T

      Hmm I'm wondering if I should be upset. I'm taken a back. But not for the obvious. I guess I didn't realize I was so controversial. I'm but a mere ghost and yet I still anger people. And my first reaction is sorry, I'm not sorry. I will not turn down just because it makes someone uncomfortable. The issue is not me the issue is your own insecurity. I was told once "if you knock on the devils door, who do you expect to answer?" Truth mother fuckin serum! But in figuring out what my journey is. I've realized I'm not as invisible as I thought I was. That little girl in middle is not a little girl anymore. And if my "presence" makes you angry. That's not my issue. And for once I don't want to have control over how  I make anyone feel! You have your opinion. But this is not the complain department. I don't need to talk about "the type of person I am". It will be misconstrued anyway. So I laugh. A chuckle. And then do my "demented stripper" dance. I don't take back anything! For every time I've cried over "lord voldamort" I felt more beautiful. There's something so beautiful and forgiving about vulnerability. Baring your soul, saying what you have to say and doing so without feeling regrets. That's for me not anybody else. I'm tired of holding my tongue. So much so I almost cursed my manager out. Needless to say we stayed out of each others way. But he loves me and I love him. He's a good dude. And we carry on. My cabaret show this past July. I bared it all. They were either laughing so hard they cried or they were crying period. I was raw and I was me. I'm troubled chic and Make that work.
So Thursday was Burlesque night. And man I gotta tell you I wanted to be on that stage so hard. There was an electricity in me that sparked a flame. In these last few years I've been realizing I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. In my own way. As long as its tasteful. Hahahaha. I'm not like extreme but I put myself out there for me to get nervous. Boston has really been inspiring great things in me. The takingoverization is commencing. And apparently has been for a while ha! What can I say I'm a Hamme bird. I have magic powers. Apparently I really do. I think we all do. More so its what you allow people to have over you. I did not single handedly do anything. But if you need yet another person to blame shit on. Then yes you can blame it on me, set your guilt free. I can only imagine all the shit Taylor swift gets for songs. I'll know what that's like soon. A girl once told me, nope actually two girls told me, on seperate occasions. That I'm a fighter. They didn't know me that well but they told me I was fighter. Me being down on myself I didn't believe them. But when I look back on everything I realized I haven't lost my muchness. And I will never compromise that, whether there it's a dancing gig, makeup gig, singing etc. I will never give up on myself again. And any friend that confides their deepest secrets I will not give up on them. I'll piss people off,  and I'll inspire others. But I will be who I am for me. I will not curb my enthusiasm hahaha
          The Portishead is like everything for me right now, there's been so much excitement today. From the funeral to a hectic night at work. Now I'm heading back to NY. So many adventures lined up. I'm spinning. It's time for a nap honey boo boo child.

*Elyse

Current song (s):

Hayling- FC Kahuna
Gravediggers song: Mark Lanegan Band
Sail- awolnation (ps this song is EVEYTHING)

Push Through

     And today I found myself reciting those words back to myself. "Push through". I found myself wanting her advice, wanting to talk to a friend. What did she have to say about this matter? And in response I said "push through". I got up and got moving. I called the agency and as I was ready to turn down their signing. They weren't ready to let me walk out. I'm rejoicing. And then Mind would go back to bell but I would tell myself. Push through! Shaq is sad about it. She doesn't want me to give up. She doesn't want me to say that's it I've had it. And whilst I don't want to I'm afraid I have no choice. I won't attend casies party, no matter how much I want to. It hurts to see someone and have them ignore you. Then I'll be crushed for a whole nother (haha) week. If God wants me to go then he'll do that. But I'm not strong enough. Like I am but I just, I can't. I'm exhausted and frankly to hurt for that sort of nonsense. Sooooo....  I'm excited to go home I have three days off! So I'm leaving Boston late Saturday to get there Sunday morning, hopefully see Alex. I'm getting anxious. I want her to be what I'm imagining her to be. After she got stern with me today I was like yes ma'am!!! I'm also afraid I will really like her and she's gonna be too far from me. But non the less I'm going to look at her as a friend. Because I know myself. I'll see her and be like um yea no. I haven't seen her since Ptown. So lets not jump the gun. Then a photoshoot and stiletto that evening. I'm totes excited I could spit!
     I'll up date you on Alex. Hhaaaaa sooo much going on right now. So just Push through!

*Elysium

Current song (s):

You're right, I don't know you....

         You know it's serious when you call your sister to give you advice. Especially given the fact that ya'll never really got along. But I knew if anybody was gonna get through to me it would be her. And honestly, yet again she's just right... I've been plagued with "what ifs". Like what if its true? What if its not true? What if she meant it? She if she doesn't mean it? And the biggest one... What if she comes back?! She's not tho. But what if she does?! No but she's not tho. Never will and the major thing I've been doing is saying I just don't want her to come back when I'm with someone. Last night I had dream after dream after dream. At one point I woke up in a panic and checked my IG because I thought something was on it, that would kill me. There was nothing. I closed my eyes and I saw picture after picture of them in bliss and the whole time I'm thinking that's gonna be her girlfriend. This is the girl who's gonna replace me. Needless to say I did not sleep well if fact everytime I went back to sleep. I told myself you have to push through this. You've got be strong. It was such a hard night for me. I saw future pictures of them or made up pictures but I do believe that they will be an item. And yet again I'm the one that looks stupid. I almost sent another saying I love you and I never stopped. But I definitely need to. She has officially moved on. There's no need or want for me anymore. Really do get it. There's no way to get through to her. Because she doesn't want me to get through. As for casie's party yyeaup I doubt I'm going. I wanted to go to talk to her but no it's just not. No.


*Elyse


Current song(s):

I Gave you all- Mumford and Sons
Details in the Fabric- Jason Mraz

Wash it all away

       And as I lay in bed. Unwinding from the day. I realized I'm exhausted. I'm simply exhausted trying to pin point her every move, decipher her none existing codes. Tap into her brainwaves. As recent as a month and a half maybe two months ago it was said that she thinks I'm completely over it. And as recent as three weeks ago it was stated that she's having a difficult time getting over me. And as recent as two weeks ago that she's dating someone new. Someone I know and someone I'm not particularly found of. And this just doesn't help. I'm exhausted. Trying to play different scenarios of what could be going on or like how can I reach her. My number is blocked. She doesn't respond to emails and shit its really really cold in here! Shit I dead ass typed that! Crap I typed that too! Okay okay focus. There's gotta be a way to get through to her. But I'm really really growing weary. When I saw her it all went down hill. Like it did in Ptown. Like it did when her old boss decided to tell me she's moving back NYC. My fears are coming true like always with her. I'm nauseous. This will be a long winter. And I told myself that I would not bring this up to Boston. Leave this girl in New York and start anew. Where the fuck is she getting this "moved on" nonsense from. Talk to me! Right now I'm physically out of tears yet my soul is crying. And honestly that feels worse. Hol up I think my eyes just moistened a little. I hate that word moist blaahhh. I just feel sooo sore. My soul feels worped. I'd rather physically cry because at least you kinda feel good after. My soul hearts. And I know it because my dreams reflect it. I'm not sure of anything. Nothing at all. Well I'm sure that I'm exhausted yet I haven't exhausted the situation. I push myself to make these strides so she'd be proud so that I can learn be a better stronger person. If all of this is true and she's having a hard time or thinks I'm over it... Thought deleted. One part of me feels like "snuff" from slipknot... Another part of me feels like "no ordinary love"- Sade. And another feels like "October" and "wash it all away" from Evanescence. So what do I do know?? Follow her on IG? Her pictures are private CBS if I want to see them either, it might send me off. Do I see if my number is still blocked? Send an email that says I love you. And now I have a huge head ache. I just can't do this anymore. This thing will kill me. I'm so scared right now. I'm wicked scared :'-(


*Elyse


Current song

Wash it all away- Evanescence
October- Evanescence

Got dammit !!

     So I haven't been writing here because I've been writing in my journal. I've been consulting with friends, I've been with friends trying to get my life together. And it's not been. I love Boston but I'm feeling a way I'm feeling something. And mainly just sad. I can't even write in this stupid thing. I don't feel it. So you know what, here it is. If I could I talk to her: Bell I told you getting over you wasn't gonna be something I could do! Still haven't. Ugh I'm so frustrated. I'm so pissed. I'm hurt. Stop it, stop it, STOP! Fucking stop. Guess what I love you, Isabella. Never stopped. NEVER FUCKING STOPPED. I'm nauseous.

*Elyse

Current song:
Wash it away- Evanescence