Elle's Dinner Conversation RELOADED

     So I came on here thinking I was going to start a new blogging page and as it turned out all my old posts were revived. A friend of mine asked if I would reread them and I said Nah. This really isn't for clout I just want to express on a platform that I wont be Thinking about followers. Although I will say this page did end up being discovered by some unexpected people. One being Lord Voldemort (my ex) who inspired this blog in the first place. We didn't have social media like the way it is now so I went to a blog to express my thoughts. I documented my healing process and realized she was avidly reading it. And it changed the way I wrote. I felt unsafe. I didn't want her thinking I was talking to her or saying things just to gain a reaction from her. 

All that to say I lost direction for this shit, social media was taking off. My life was all over the place and writing just felt dumb. 

Just recently I felt inspired to talk my shit again. And feeling safe to do so. So yea I'm back with my online diary. It kinda feels good! Cuz I really want to talk shit about this industry! I've been an esthetician for 8 years and honestly, it just gets more and more disappointing! We'll talk about it tho! 

Til next time

Elle

 

Time to be smart.

              Well the thing is, right now, I'm just super proud of how much I've ground. I'm really proud of the strength I could show, the patience I had/well have. I could still go for more but I have to be honest. I can't give him anything more until he starts giving to himself. He has to want to fix his own issues. If he can't do that, I can't be around. The way he thinks he's fixing them is by ignoring them. I know he needs time to himself he's just worried that if I go I will be gone! and if I stay, it's gonna end badly as well, he don't wanna waste my time. I'm a little more shocked if nothing else. My disappointment comes more from internal shit. And that's all stuff I can get over because I'm used to being villain. I used to people forming conclusions that are usually wrong. There's no use in arguing and sending that energy that can be sent somewhere else. It's disappointing but TODAY I'm okay with it because it's my journey and it's what I chose for myself. He's an amazing person with a lot of searching to do. I wouldn't mind helping him search but I need to see that he's already started. I think the space he needs to go into his straight selfish mode. He needs to man up face the facts regardless of what people think because people are always going to think something so be honest. Just be honest, and start with yourself.
                    This is going to be tough.. it doesn't help that the holidays are here but I need to be smart about this. If he doesn't fix his issues and doesn't want to confront them and tucks them aside like nothing is happening then what he becomes when he's drunk will be worse. I got a taste of it and I don't want to be on the other end of his aggression wondering whats gonna happen next and if he'll remember it the next day. He won't take the time to rest and give back to himself. I will make him by taking myself out of the equation. I don't want to be a punching bag, I want to help but not in that way. That's the road he's headed because he won't acknowledge that he's stressed out, that his family stresses him out. That he feels like he's in over his head, that he is his father, that he is his mother. He's working harder and harder, more and more to compensate for something. He needs to recognize. Until he fully comes face to face and wants to confront it, I won't be useful. Making him laugh, talking politics, suggesting vacations or fun dates does won't do shit. He was there for me through my tough times and all I want to do is give that back. I shouldn't make excuses for his behavior the other. What happens when he actually hits me. Cuz he was coming close to it. I love that man something fierce and all I wanted to do was be happily ever after and work hard for my shit. It could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't. But it's time to be smart about this.

{[Finding]} Elysium

It's been a while

Yo it's been awhile! Still, though, I feel like I find myself upset about the same shit and stressing about the same shit. Though, those shits are different from each other; it's your typical Elle. Although I could throw in a plot twist! Here we go... I have a boyfriend. We've been on for a year and some change. It wasn't exactly the smoothest transition from the one right before him. I don't know if I've mentioned her on this thing or if... well uh... I just took a break to read what I wrote over a year ago aaaannd it turns out, I did mention her. um well, no she didn't stay. I don't know if I pushed her out because I couldn't be sure at the time she even wanted to stay; or if I was tired of waiting to be wanted. I wanted to be wanted by someone the way I want myself (most of the time). It wasn't easy.
um... and actually writing in this and retracing my steps is making me feel off.
    I want my "friends". I don't trust anyone. I don't have friends hahaha totally okay with that. I've really just been feeling like I'd like to be all alone. and writing in this blog after some odd months makes me just hate this all over again. Well then why write? It's like half, torture and half me standing in a room reading myself to an invisible audience and having to be okay with their reactions. Partial judgement or maybe helping. Idk who this helps but I'm looking for some type of outlet. I straddle the idea of wanting to be visible as hell and hiding like a muthafcuka. I am such a prisoner to myself. Like "hey elle, you are absolutely beautiful and talented. Why not conquer your world?!" hmm such a great idea and yet somehow just not tangible. I can't make it stop. I'm trying to. Actively trying to. I have this boyfriend who's the best and I have these moments where I'm like 'ohh look at how happy you are? this is amazing, look at everything you have?! You are sooooo blessed' and then that feeling gets interrupted by 'you're a liar! this whole thing is lie! everyone know's you're lying! stop fcuking lying! you're happiness is a lie!' and then I'm stuck wondering if I'm just sitting here playing house.
    The only thing that keeps me from completely jumping now a days is that I'm seeing my trend. I just fcuking read my last two posts and I was like girl really? Same fcuking shit! Am I sabotaging? Am I projecting? or deflecting? I'm most certainly looking for something. I must be. Am I trying to scare him or myself. No more future talk, I think it scares the both of us. I still remember what he said and well I think he's right. What if he is right? I revisit his space idea and he's not about it. I still look for having an apartment that's mine, he doesn't understand why I'm doing that. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He's brought it up before and I say okay and goes back on what he says. I guess it's good but one of us has to be the strong one. I'm helping restore his apartment to the way he see fit. and I'm going to start figuring out how I can give more space. We both go through this, he has his lows and so do I and they freak me out and I want to run. I question everything and try to convince myself that I'm [not] making a mistake. I need to go back and make some lists. I miss being alone but I can't be sure that if I got that wish I'd be happy with that.
      I can't escape myself and frankly, Y E T   A G A I N, I'm exhausted! Please Jesus, take the wheel!

[[ Finding]] Elysium

Current Song (s):

Stimela- Wynter Gordon

I do

      Today I woke up. I've been attempting to wake up for days now, even weeks. It was looking real grim for a while. and I can't be sure that sleep will stop doing it's best to come for me but today, I woke up.
       I dissect myself so much. I need answers, I need to know myself in and out. The problem is I know myself in and out and the things I can't change and can't accept, I won't love. I'll shut down and let that take over all the things that are winning about me. I told an interest of mine, that I like myself better when I'm not in a relationship, After I said I hate myself in relationships (Cue smack in the face, now!). Really, nice elle. and how the hell do you expect her to feel about that. Well in my dissecting, it's true. But I realized where it came from. Aside from feeling crazy and comparing myself to others. The root went deeper than that. I could blame it on 'the one who shall not be named', or on my father for leaving or even my mother for being a stone cold bitch sometimes. These things are all factors but to place the blame on somebody else, isn't the answer either.
        STORY TIME!!! There was a point in my life where I was so broken. I decided to make a list! and on this list I pushed myself to do things that took me out of my comfort zone. I was so dependent on a person that, the thought of anything else made me sick. I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I knew my time was up but breaking routine scared me. I don't like change. So I stayed. Until my scream was no longer heard only in my head. So I made a list. Tried foods that I've always hated, guess what?! I love them now. Took myself out on dates, got all gussied up. I got on a plane, I don't like planes. I did that shit by myself for 10-12 hours. I stayed in a foreign country without my family and friends for a month. Confronted my fear of statues. They don't paralyze me nearly as much as before. Got over my fear of nyc and Brooklyn. I placed myself visible in the Lesbian night life scene. I even took a job in the city. I placed myself in situations to make me uncomfortable but to conquer my fears and I was so empowered. That was my mission for that time. To rely on myself. Feel uncomfortable in my thoughts and work through them. It was my way. I loved people asking me why I'm single and feeling like yo I don't need that shit and sometimes I'd want to see how long I could keep it up. Every now and again, though, you meet that one person that makes you second guess that, change your mind a little. and that's where I got derailed.
        I when I fall for people it's scary because now it's not a matter of dealing with me, it's now dealing with me in juxtaposition to someone else. I would go from being so empowered to apologizing for everything I felt. Sorry for being so quickly triggered by events. and even sorrier for not being able to control it, letting my angst run rampant. That works when you're by yourself, not in a relationship. There are so many things to consider and the final word is, "you're too difficult just leave. They don't like you. They want to be with someone easier because you're a clusterfcuk of angst." So I leave, or make it so difficult that they will leave. Taking it back now to that lovely statement I made to her, the one that floated in our space whenever I had a mood swing, it's how I feel. But more so because I've been single for so long it's the only thing I know. Relationships are hard work. I don't know that work. I don't have examples of a properly functioning relationship. I shut down. I never look at it like "great person as a friend, not a lover. There's somebody out there for you." I look at it like "you're not fit for a relationship, it's all your fault. You spazz way too much." And I take comfort in the past and my screw ups and my private world of make believe.
        But I woke up today. This past week has been so hard on me. It's been the hardest one in years. I can't be sure I'm still not feeling it. I've often told myself that villains don't get a happy ending. and I started to believe that. I'm so harsh on myself. I leave no room for error or forgiveness. I'm that way with myself and others and that's the reason why I'm quick to let people go. Because I assume they take the same stance as I do. That's not always the case. But anyway, I hold myself to such standards and anytime I fall short, I can't dust myself off and calmly talk to myself. I humiliate myself. I scold and beat myself up. (But I love myself right? So you say). I see myself as a monster and a failure. I'm that dad that screams at his son, for being weak and not like him. I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. I see things a certain way and I beat up on myself if I can't go about it the way I imagined. I tell myself that I don't need or want certain things because it's far fetched and wanting certain things will make me weak or I'll get hopes up and call myself a failure if it doesn't come to pass. Putting weight on humans scares me. and I won't take that chance. So I've programmed myself to not want and long for somebody, they will let you down and that's because you let them down by being yourself. That's fcuked right!? Yet every now and then I catch my heart wondering and it goes back to the same place. When I catch it I scold it and lock it up. Foolish of me to have emotion. And I can't be sure that these thoughts are my own or ones that society places on females. Now I'm fighting with myself because I can't keep my heart under lock and key. I can't deny what my feelings are telling me. Yet, like every other damaged person, afraid take the steps to letting yet another person in and run the risk of them walking out. I've never given anyone my all. I tire quickly. Struggling doesn't feel ideal. Relationships are hard work.
       When I woke up today, I rolled over and saw myself laying with a baby and happy. It was a split second but I enjoyed it. I welcomed it, I couldn't run from it. And then I woke up. I won't be any less of a woman if I never get married and have children. But I will not deny myself the option. I will be more mad at myself down the line, for never even giving myself a chance. I deserve a chance. Which ever way my life goes I deserve a happy ending. The reason I don't get it, is because I stand in my own way.
      STORY TIME!!!! SO I LOVE Once Upon a Time! It is my favorite show! and in the beginning of the show, I believe Prince Charming and Snow white were talking about there current situation. I believe it was them, everyone's always talking about their happy endings and such. But Charming says something like " look no matter how many times we try to be, something keeps getting in our way. maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be doing this." and Snow was like "yea, or it could be that no matter what tries tear us apart we always find a way to be together." It's that "is the glass half empty or half full" question. It's the lens for which we try to see things out of that should change. Not trying to control who comes in to your life and how, what and why. I'm doing too much.
      All I know is that this weekend I really stepped up to the plate. I performed in a show that probably could have been organized better. But I just took initiative and took the wheel. I wound up hosting and performing and directing almost. and in that moment of chaos in my head I thought, I love this moment and I wish I had someone to share it with. Someone that says babe I'm so proud of you! Or that says nothing at all but is standing there for me. It was then that I realized that of course I can do it on my own, duh. But I don't want to. And I'm never gonna get closer to my happy ending by pulling the rug from under my own feet. I know I can do bad all by myself. I don't need to prove that anymore. Nobody's challenging me on that either. But I'm not fronting on myself anymore. I'm so sorry that, that interest had to be let go. I find some really really terrific girls and I just run them ragged. I don't see past my own hurt. I don't look at it from there POV.
     My mission now, continue to take myself on dates and doing things that empower me. But remember not to front. Don't take moments away from myself. Or afraid to be in a moment because I don't want to get played. I'm gonna start by taking life minute by minute. Saying thanks for 5 things and asking help. Not feeding into that voice. Instead of creating problems, create art work. Create opportunities for stability, in whatever form you need it most. Slowly taking down that wall of pride. Do things for me and career building not for popularity. I'm sorry that it's not with her, and yet again I will have deal with the fact that she is the one that got away, I understand. I just miss her so much. When I saw her last night, it was bitter sweet. As painful as it is accept that I fcuked shit up. I will learn from this. It will not be easy. But I will be happy.

Elysium

Current Song(s):

Reconsider- The Xx (Jamie XX remix)
River- Ibeyi
Stimela- Wynter Gordon



     

Be the Bite...

      I started to think long and hard. One thought led to another, which led to another which led to another. Hmm where do I start. aaahhhh fcuking blocked. Okay, okay okay. I've been just trying to wake myself up a bit. A lot. Having a lot of "come to jesus" moments over the last few days. Currently feeling like a snow globe thats been shaken up only to adjust and be calm again. I guess things need to get shaken up a bit add, a little chaos to appreciate the view as the vision becomes clearer. I just need a better handle on myself when my globe gets rattled. I need my zen and I can't find it although for the sake of my sanity I may just have to cave in. Coraline is my zen movie. In fact for different freak outs I have certain movies or shows that need to be watched over and over again in order for me to feel whole. like Hannah Montana, The Jungle Book, Labyrinth, Coraline, The Cosby show, Too Wong Fu. I think that's it. I can't find my Coraline and it's the only movie I need right now. I guess for the 3rd time I will buy this movie. I feel a little crazy without it. To be honest, I feel a crazy without a couple other things, like my full ipod, because mine died a long a time ago. I make due but it's not the same. My room, which is currently being inhabited by a 3 year old. It tips me a bit.  I know I'm home but I'm not home. I don't really feel like I have one. It's okay, it's just where I am right now and that's fine. Having my entire career situation be based off freelance work. Just jumping right in, yea I must be crazy, because it's so slow right now.
       Anyway the point is I've been waking myself up. Smacking myself out of STUPID. I catch history repeating. Me pushing like hell even when I have no reason too. Because I've been sleeping. Living in a dream. Telling myself "I'm young" or "when I get older". I'm lolly gagging, thinking I have forever. Not taking proper steps to "older". In return I lash out and start feeling insecure about things that aren't anybody's fault but my own. Granted there are things in my past that hurt me, but they aren't the things that continue to hurt me its me, that hurts me. and Hurt me, blames others all whilst hurting others. I'm projecting my own feelings on to others. and letting the fact that I'm usually right come in the way of the fact that I could actually be wrong.( OH LORDT don't let nobody tell elyse she's wrong, she'll fight you to the death.) But I could be wrong and I think I am wrong about some things, not everything but the important things. But asking for space isn't a bad thing. Needing time to regroup and figure shit out is not terrible. And that's when it hit me. I need to start putting some bite behind that bark. Feeling jealous or insecure is only coming because I'm not pushing myself nearly as hard as I could be. I'm not afraid to try, I'm lazy. I start beating myself up because I know I'm not giving it all I have and I see people in positions that I should be in and I'm still sitting around sleep. But yet and still I'm mad at them when it ain't bout them. Be the Bite! not the Bark. Confidence is sexy as fcuk and dating someone who isn't is lame. and that Lame ass is me. Funny thing is I'm doing enough for her to still think I'm amazing, but I don't wanna be all smoke and mirrors and filters.
     My sister is possibly moving out, and her process is really hitting me, central. It's all about the steps and laying ground work for the "When I get older". Start thinking realistically about my life. What is my 5 year plan? I've always managed to dodge that question but seriously what is it? ya know. I'm starting to see, the vision is becoming much more clear. I finally opened up to "boo thang" why it was that I didn't want kids. I was almost sure I scared her off. still not totally convinced but also recognizing the other parts of my reason. Not being let down, if it never happens for me. Telling myself that my life isn't validated by what others think I should have. My life is my journey. However, It doesn't mean that I just never try. I should always be setting myself up for success not failure. I don't like people bringing up their past so why do I keep bringing up mine and almost revel in it? see, setting myself up for failure. I need to start welcoming in that positivity again and stop closing doors because I don't think I'm worthy. Or because my heads in the clouds and I over estimated.
     If she is the one to stick around, then I sure hope she does. She read me some of her entries about me and I lost my shit, that night I couldn't keep it in. Cried sooo hard. I really did not want her to see it, I never do. and by never I mean, this has happened before. History repeated, and I knew it. I only do it to the ones I'm truly serious about. It doesn't make it okay but I saw the pattern and I hated myself even more for seeing the pattern and being such ass. For not being able to check myself. Feeling the battle of pride within me, and not wanting to let that pride go. Telling myself this is how I am, I'm good to be single. But what if that was a lie? and what if I was staring it in the face. What if you let this one get away? I feel amazing when I'm single, like I'm gonna conquer the world and well I usually do. But me being who I am. I want both. I want to conquer the world with someone, while still feeling as fearless and confident as I do when I'm alone. There were so many "come to jesus" moments that spilled out from that day to today and I know it's not over. But it slapped me up and I got serious. Because this isn't "Boo thangs" problem it's mine. and it would be rather Michael Hamme of me to make anyone feel like it was their fault when it's not entirely.
    Any way,  I really hope I'm wrong about my doubts because really, I want her to stay.

Current Song (s):

Hunter- Portishead
I'm on Fire- Awolnation
Teardrops- Massive Attack
Paradise Circus- Massive Attack

Revisited... good grief

           And there it is again... THE coma... The one where I've mysteriously slipped and smacked my head on stupid. Maybe there was a slight comfort in cuddling with hurt. Familial pain. The pain that rocked me back to sleep nights and nights on end. I laid open. Guard down, arms out, palms up. Staring into my memory. and letting me rock into sleep. Half pissed at myself for allowing pandora to keep her box open. And half willing to dive into the abyss.
          I read a post "Soulmate Vs. Life Partner". I never believed in Soul mates. I thought it was a crock of shit. She always believed I was hers (mmm actually can't be sure, but I may have auditioned for that role and I feel like I got the part, whether I wanted it or not). And I always felt guilty because I didn't believe she was mine. Such fuckary danced around in my head, it drove me mad. "She's not your fcuking soulmate! You're perpetrating a lie!" I was always yelling at myself. Through the years I've talked about the soulmate concept and someone said to me once "Just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean they're the one you end up with."... "Wait What?! That doesn't make any sense". The more they explained the more I understood and thought "hmm, they could be on to something". It's been a concept that I toyed with... Put it down walk away from and I guess I'm back to it, especially after reading that post. It described a soulmate and Life Partner. It described us soooo well, It solidified everything, it made all my hauntings okay. Fcuk, she was my soulmate, no way around it. And she haunts me and I beat myself up over it. It's really not my fault, cause it's not everyday. It's literally when there is something going on in my life that I need to pay attention to or address. AND there's another element that may have not been properly scoped before with my latest ex, Something that I over looked and now it's vital that I learn and understand because I need to know what my next move will be. I am caught between wanting the elements of a Soulmate but wanting the Life Partner.
       The soulmate is exciting, intense. It's the thriller movie that has you from start to finish. It's not stable, it's emotional. It feels like life or death. It's dramatic. It exposes. It can keep you on your toes. You will definitely learn something. There is a mess that will be made and it will need you to clean up but very carefully. It kind of reminds me of "Clarity" by Zedd. There's a connection and a fire even when you don't want it to be. Then there's Life Partner. It is more stable. It's exciting but stable. More Ideal. Less life or death, less dramatic if you will. Stable. It's not so catastrophic. There will be problems, it can be exciting but it's probably not life altering. There's a fine line. This article really helps to break it down further. But I often wonder, will I get that feeling back? Do I want that feeling back? I don't want to settle because I'm scared to feel those things again. and I don't want to look for that feeling if that's not really the feeling I need. And with every transition that's happening right now, I feel like I'm losing ground sometimes. It feels like I'm back at square one. I feel crazy.
       I've been very fortunate to have such a strong minded family and support system that walk me through these freak outs. They help me put so many things into perspective. Mainly because they know I'll get there eventually. I'm not a dumb girl, although sometimes I do wish I were. I know what really needs to be done and I'm starting to understand why I catapult so hard into the "labyrinth" every time she haunts me.  I Just wish could turn the other cheek and just be oblivious as fuck, I'm not. I just want to learn what it is that I need to learn, quickly. It makes me nauseous to think, sometimes. Makes me angry to devote head space to such a ghost. But I guess I'm not too upset about it either. The way I operate, I always need an answer, So I couldn't go through life not being able to understand my emotions and what sets me off. I don't like repeating the same mistakes and at the end of the day your true feelings always manage to manifest themselves. May as well address it. and well, I'm a little exhausted.
       I feel myself getting angry, I feel tears of regret. Feeling like I really wasn't ready for a relationship like that and wishing it never happened. A soulmate is something I never strived for I never wanted that shit! I never wanted someone to come through my house, tear everything out of my closets, fcuk shit up and then "mic drop", leaving me to clean all this shit up myself. Like who do you think you are?! fcuking Hurricane Sandy and shit. It's like you sitting minding your business, eating a bag of chips or some shit and someone comes by and smacks that shit out of your hands and walks away, like fuck, really?! now you sitting there thinking like "well if I just held the bag tighter it wouldn't have fell!" or "What if I was paying attention and seen it coming?!" or like "If I just ate them really quickly, I coulda been like AAAAAhhhh jokes on your cuz the bag is empty fucker!!". But it happened and all you can do is say well, it happened.  I mean really ... and yet somehow I just love to compare shit to her, like for what? Why you sabotaging for? Just to get a really good struggles snuggles with hurt... It's comforting because hurt will always come back. I guess you can look at it from another lens and say Happiness will always come back. We all out here hurt and trying to prevent it by hurting the other first. We've all been there. so like "Boohoo Bitch!" and Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel (you've seen my post, a stay crying about something) like how I wish I was a strong as my middle sister. She's my hero. Never thought I'd say that! HA!!! Nah, This situation has me forever conflicted between wanting to be like "okay but did you see how amazing I'm right now? Bye Bridget!" and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and have a temper tantrum because of all the things that were "done to me"...
         But I think I'm done with this pity party.  The waves will come as they come and, for now, I'll just ride them. Maybe get dragged under a few times. But if my crying over all the things she took from me, or everything wrong that happened is the worst thing that I have to complain about right now, then I'm being a selfish brat because all the things I've gained in return. Like "pat yourself on the back kid you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. And that will be your biggest downfall before whatever that 'hiccup' was." Learn and grow. and prepare to learn some more. It never ends, be thankful for that, not scared.
       
       Ugh I'm going through it, I need jesus to take the wheel! hahaha I can't

That article:
http://www.foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners

Elysium

Reconsider (Jamie xx)- The Xx
Zombie- The Cranberries
Hunter- Portishead
Born to Die- Lana Del Raye
Unusual you- Britney Spears

"The waters"

    And as the day turned to night, I had put my full trust and confidence in you. Into the waters of uncertainty we marched. Nothing mattered as long as I was by your side. The water grew dark and anxious. I couldn't hold on to you anymore. Treading fiercely, going under surely, the water obstructed my view. You were drifting farther and farther away when the waves whisk me back to shore, slamming me against jagged rocks and cobble. Slipping, trying to gain my footing, emerging from the water and you slipped under, You were gone. As I looked around, noticing the others wading on rocking ground. They too held their hopes proud. And I broke down. letting out every shrill and sob that had ever belonged to me. My sobs grew deeper, screams louder, body weaker remembering the moments before. The moments we held each other in a warm, secure embrace and I literally saw myself in your eyes. In my giddy little school girl way, trying to hold in all my excitement for our journey together, rejoicing and singing praises of our unity. For I have never seen a man, so beautiful and so kind and truly feeling content. Curse me! I should not have been washed upon the sea. I didn't care about the waves I would have endured them because we were together. I wanted us. Angry that I know, something is telling me I can't have "us". Where ever he was going, wasn't for me.

     I through myself into hysterics so hard the convulsions woke me up. and I laid there with my eyes open thinking what the hell dream is that! I was exhausted, confused. I know when my dreams are rubbish, but this one is now the trilogy. I need help with this one. I seriously think I'm confronting issues that I've been evaluating for years and yet maybe I'm not and I'm missing it altogether. My mind is jumping to the worst things possible. I'm trying to calm myself down and think metaphorically, um I seriously need to breathe and calm down.

Fix it jesus!

ELyse

Current Song(s):

Farther Away- Evanescence
Lost In the World- Kanye West & Bon Iver

I'll be alright carry on :)

   I just woke up and I was over it. I went up to Boston for the new years. All these thoughts were racing in my head like what if I was presented with a huge job offering because of the gig I had up there and I moved back?! I even txtd the ex to wish her a happy new year... I dont really think I felt good about doing that. But as I woke up the next day just saying "okay" and in a good way. Like I had accepted the fact that Boston isn't my home. I no longer wanted to be offered a job at my old spot and it was all okay. I was good to keep all of that up in Boston. Good to close the door. I had had so much fun meeting new people and hanging out with old ones that whatever wish I had for me and JB settled itself. And whatever I felt about the one who shall not be named, disappeared. It was a moment and it totally passed. Everything, for this moment, just passed. And that is all I need right now is moment. A moment to get back on my feet, take a deep breath, make a list and continue trucking. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to find the answer myself. Listen to myself and love myself and not shame myself for caring and loving people that are not worthy or deserving of it. Sometimes it happens. And well it happens a lot. This too shall pass.

eLLe*

Current song(s):

Hanging on- Active Child

Fekk, I need help.

     It's been one week since I've been home and I gotta tell you, there's a heaviness like non other. My dreams have only been confirming so. Way too many goodbyes like two weeks ago. I know no one lives forever, but Mr. Eaton was one that I was not even close to expecting. He made me who I was or who I am, whatever. He believed in my leadership talents way before I knew I had them. Treated every kid of wphs like his own and made them feel special. In no way shape or form was I ready to say goodbye. Yet another situation I was forced to be strong. I'm over it. An overwhelming week to say the least. Only to hit NY to feel the heaviest I've felt in a long time. Every dream is a mirror and telling me I have repressed anger that I need to confront. But how?!!! I don't feel like I'm running, déjà vu. I cannot shut my mind off. And I'm afraid to admit what I'm not even sure is accurate. But idk. It can't be so. And then my sister says the guy at the bar that I've managed to pick up is the boy version of her. The intensity, the hips, the delicate danty masculine image. And then he got his coat. And it was her coat. FEKKK!!! Aeropostale fur lined zip up. Fcuk he was her. Only she was more put together.  This can't be right!
     I look at her now and I don't recognize her. She's not what I had years ago. I probably never had her. And i find myself needing to talk to her. Wait what? I don't need to talk to her. But it's like all the stuff I went through to not talk to her and tell her feels odd. But then again the last time we "spoke" we yelled at each other, arguing over shit I did that truthfully I had nothing to do with. I was so turned off I was like bye Felicia! I saw her mdw and she wasn't the person I fell in love with. And I know she saw me and thought that's not the person I ever fell in love with. We were estranged. Yet somehow now, I don't know what to believe or feel.
   Life doesn't make sense to me right now. There's the theory of confronting fears, and theory that you're running from them. Lately people and my dreams are telling me I need to confront my fears. I thought I was doing that. I make sure that I'm honest with how I'm feeling. I pick up artistic outlets like piano, guitar, drawing, singing, dancing  etc to allow myself to express myself freely. I even started this blog. It's my online diary, it's where I'm honest and me.. And I allow myself to be seen by an invisible audience. There's no telling who's in the audience but it's out there. Haunting and helping giving insight. Right now I want to talk to my friends and ask their opinion. It's not up to them. They can't help. They'll tell me I'm running. But I'm not. And when I'm not they tell me I need to date and distract myself. They have no idea what it is I do. So how can I rely on them to give me the advice I need. So I write here. Maybe I help someone with this. Maybe the one who shall not be named sees this. Although I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she knows better than reading these. She should have learned her lesson.
       It really doesn't matter what she's learned or hasn't learned. Whilst I don't miss all of her I miss some her. And some of the moments that were created by her. And as for JB it might take another few months to get over her. Granted I wasn't with her long. But man talk about seeing yourself married with someone and then having it Ripped from you and months later still holding on to the delusion that she's still your wife! I only hurt myself by holding on to her. She doesn't want to be held on to. I'm having a hard time accepting that. And I'm super hard on myself about it too. I'm so young though, life can't be about finding that person. Like that can't be what life is all about. I found my soulmate and let me tell you just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean you should be together. I'm just so stuck right now. I'm just angry at the world. And not sure how to make it right. I've been an "inspirational quote" junkie lately. Hoping one of those quotes will hit me in the face and I'll be over all of this. And love and worry about myself the way I do them. I'm going day by day, talking to myself in a soothing understanding matter. And yet my dreams are still telling me that there are fears I'm not confronting. Okay well how do I confront them. Cuz I'm so over this right now. My happiness needs to come from me and not love in another person. Idk I just can't even right now. I'm like stalemate, help!

*


Current song(s):

Scarburough fair: Simon and garfunkle
The world can be yours: Telepop Musik
Reconsider (Jamie remix) : The Xx
Hanging on: Active Child

Shut your brain off dude

    I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Just wasn't ready to go home. I found myself at the commons. Sitting in our spot. Wanting to text her, but not really. I didn't know what to make of the txt I got. Normally it would be whatever but I almost feel like life is repeating itself? 

     He txt'd me after a year asking to hang out and of course I'm like yea we can meet somewhere. That's about all I could do at that very moment. Funny thing is I left work thinking to myself "I just want to be in my bed and cuddle..." But when the opportunity presented itself I wasn't about it, AT ALL.  Usually I could go with the flow. But I really wasn't about it. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a year. I don't wanna romp with you. If we're just cuddling why do I have to be emotionally available to you because you told me you aint bout that life. Now you come across a girl that's not falling all over you and it's problem... That's where I checked out the first time. 

     Rochester made her guest appearance again a few days ago. The thought of me moving back to NY left her with the hope that there would be a little more of an us. It was sweet yes but not realistic in the slightest. Me and Rush hang out and talk more like we did a year ago, before we stopped. Same with the bohemian rhapsody... I look at this time last year and see the characters coming back and the timing seams very accurate. and in the order kind of. 

      Thing is I don't feel like I did anything wrong, like there was a lesson that needed to be learned, so this is going to continue until the lesson is learned. I loved this past year with Boston. It has been a real year. Very action packed. I'm over thinking it aint I? None the less, I just needed to not for about two seconds or 10. 

     I wanted to feel connected to her, I wanted very badly to put her in earshot of my name. I just don't know anymore. You work so hard to distance yourself from it all that you end up back in it. 

I'm treading and getting a little tired. Between worrying about how to make sure that my ends are met, doing what needs to be done, for now and future career and job and money and creatively feeding the soul... Wondering if a person still thinks about me as much as I'd like them to, in the way that i'd like them to, I'm just not in a mind zone to care. I really need to get through this weekend. All this networking is awesome but making me anxious because I can't pay bills on hope.

     I don't know what to make of it all... that's my biggest challenge... it is what it is ... there's nothing to make of it. Don't try to. 

ELyse

Current song (s): 

Any Other Name- Thomas Newman

Infinity- The Xx

Call it what you want

       It's that moment, a rude awakening. Some call it negative, pessimistic, realist, devils advocator etc. I don't know what I would call it, maybe just my thoughts? I can't be disney ALL the time. Man I'm killing moods left and right. They say if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all... Why is that? We're raised on "be honest" and then you're honest and it's wrong, that's not "appropriate" when is it ever appropriate, I mean really, let's think about this... ORRR Possibly because you just come off like a hater. That's probably it. "Just play along, let them have their moment, don't be a selfish bitter bitch." Yet somehow, today, these thought bubbles form into words and these words pour out "involuntarily". I may or may not need to work on my filter. So if I can't say it, can I use the side eye instead?
       I guess I'm feeling really controversial. Like I wanna debate, I wanna ruffle feathers make people uncomfortable. I have these thoughts who can I share them with? not the people around me that's for damn sure. I know how I should feel about Veterans Day today but leave it to me to feel opposite. Leave it to me to go into structural injustices of America. Leave it to me to not want to play along in reindeer games. A woman made a comment about catholics today and I side eyed her so hard... I tried so hard not to be condescending. Like how arrogant am I that I need to try to shatter people and their beliefs. as she proceeded to tell me that catholics love everybody... (i'm just going to sip my tea) That's great in theory but um humans are involved so that's just not true. And as I've gone to many a catholic churches and other churches I can honestly say that sorry you're inaccurate. But again, who the hell am I to go around bursting bubbles. Today really is not the day for me to have an opinion. Cuz I've got too much opinion that often rubs people the wrong way and maybe it's because I feel the need to express them. For the record I did not say anything to the woman about her catholic love. I just side eyed her. and minded my business as she was not talking to me. I digress
       Here's the thing. I apologize for it, because my opinions makes people uncomfortable. Like why can't your opinions be just as pretty as you are? WHY do they have to be? Why do I have to exist in a way that makes people more comfortable. Maybe sometimes I'm really controversial, and then maybe sometimes I'm really not and I could give two shits. Either way it's me, I shouldn't apologize for it, just maybe surround myself with people that will allow for a POV session and get it out. Idk I think today is just not my day for spreading the love and uplifting word.
      I'm just praying that no one else approaches me with more thought provoking concepts because I just can't. I'm trying to curb my enthusiasm and I'm slightly failing. Just a Smidgen I need some sleep.

Elle

Current Song(s):

Flume- Insane

The chase

             But the truth is I want to be sought after. I mean really thats all that can be said. Nor do I think it's a ridiculous request. I think I've put myself through enough torture. Agonizing and over analyzing everything, down to the very last drop. It's totally not in my cards right now and it's actually okay. But I know that when I'm truly down for a person I will drop everything and go and follow and do whatever they want. I'll try to be a billy badass and refuse because I should be practical but my heart always wants to put a person first. It's not healthy. and I know it's not healthy because I get so tired of giving and giving and giving that it tips my scales and I'm selfish as fcuk. And then at that point it's just a wrap. I've never really found that balance. oops... I'm not mad about it, I just know now... nope nope nope, I just accept it now. Yea that's better.
             I am many things. Sometimes all at once even. I cannot apologize for that. and I'm not anymore. I think that wall that I've been trying to build back is finally coming back. Truthfully I dig it. Maybe that's why I didn't take her number. I only gave her mine. my thought process is such that if you want to txt me you can, but I will not chase you. The only thing this girl is chasing after is her dream. I need to keep that dream in view. I get side track so hard and will forget everything. I'm finally getting around to being motivated again.
              So you're like, what is she talking about? I met a girl, so stupidly delicious! she was that 80's early 90's heart throb that made all the girls swoon. and somehow I managed to claim it that night. Now usually I'm like lets exchange numbers. but this time I said you know what? you take mine before you leave. If she contacts she contacts and if not thats fine too. Because I know if I had her number I'd be like obsessing and getting eager and putting myself out there and distracted and I'm like nope not this time. Do what you want. At this point I'm so up in the air with living situations and job situations that I don't want a like interest to be the reason I pass up a good opportunity or make me not try as hard. That's what happened with my last ex. I stopped pushing so hard to go to Barcelona because I could tell she thought I'd just up and leave her. So to show her I was loyal to her, I said fcuk it. and we're not even together anymore. Granted I've been doing some wonderful things out here. But to be fair I'd do great things anywhere I go. And the point is, for as lonely as I get sometimes, I was never driven by love. By having that perfect relationship. aspiring to be in that perfect relationship. I was always driven by doing what I love and something I'm proud of. All the other stuff is minor to me. Yet somehow, I tend to get caught up in all the heresy of relational matters that I start to second guess myself. It's just not necessary..what ever will be will be. I'm getting a hold of my life, I don't wanna lose focus... I also know I'm dope as shit. So why am I putting out all the effort. NOPE bye felicia! cause when a persons worthy of you, they will do whatever it takes to show you that they are. and right now nobody is! sorry bout it.

ELysium

Current song(s):
U2- Sleep like a baby tonight

No mans land

      It's the itch. Stop drinking. Do not feed into it. And the song that plays " you can't run from yourself". What the fcuk. IM NOT RUNNING. And for the first time I see that I'm not running. But boy do I wish I had. I'm annoying myself! I'm so tired of hearing myself. I wish to hit myself with a silent stick. Turn down bitch! Uber drive me around all night. Give me a thorough driving tour of Boston. Keep playing those tunes. Street lights, statues, buildings. Montage. Take me home this isn't fun anymore. I don't want to ride this ride anymore. I miss the days when there were restrictions. No this ride doesn't give a fcuk. Life doesn't give two shits.
        To think that this will occur again and again and again. The feeling of stifled voice. And clipped Achilles' tendon. Confusion, excessive aggression. I need to run. I need not to be here. Paranoid desperate. Trying to let God. My prayers become more and more pathetic. I can't lose it. I'm angry. And growing angrier by the second. How can one girl be so rich and still feel like she has nothing?
It's your perception, What you're choosing to focus on. I can't help but to choose her. And that's why I'm banging my head against the wall. I hate that I choose her all the time. I need to go.

Elyse

Current song(s):

Let it go

    I lost it, I just fcuking lost it. Yesterday was just one kick in the stomach after another. All within a 5 hour span. Was it anything earth shattering not really. But definitely something that plays to my weakness and that's letting go. It's a hard concept for me. Of coarse, I call momma! I really do wish that the world could hear some of the shit she says! I can't deal with her. And as I was soaking in all of her wisdom... (Cue the second blow)
     My grandmothers house is going up for auction ( jaw dropped). And I just lost it. I can't let go of that house. It's not a matter of can't. I have no choice. And even though my mom says she okay about it. I don't believe her. She's like I haven't driven by the house since peach cut the maple tree in the front yard... ( wait what!!!!!). Are you serious? Now all the grand kids are just stuck and at a loss because we're not ready. But we can't afford it. All I can think of is the Brady bunch movie, like we all need to come together and enter a contest that offers a prize money amount that's enough to save a house and we show up at the nick of time. And I'm in Boston. LET GO. The house hasn't been the same anyway since she died. But it was grandmas house. So may memories and no way to truly express how I feel about it. There's no way to fix this. Cherish what memories came from that place and pay it forward. Build a house and a family and foundation right. How? Don't rush it, be financially stable first. Don't get hasty because you want something now. You'll then compromise your expectations and settle.
     I wanna get over there and have a minute alone. I don't know how possible that's gonna be. And that's what kills me. Watching something slip out of your fingers and having no control over it. My emotions are like a wild animal that can't be tamed and I can't control those either. Maybe I'm doing better than I think but it's not feeling that way.
     ANDD as I try to figure out how to revamp my trip home this weekend with jb. I get my final blows. And I'm on system overload! I can't deal, I lay quiet and watch Orange is the New Black. Which turned into an awesome roommate session of red wine and back to back episodes of Portlandia. Wait rewind, I don't drink wine. OH but I did last night and when the bottle was through we popped champagne. It was such a drunken high I wasn't used to. According to my roomie I was giggly and childish hahaha! I just shut the world and my brain off and said nope not today. I'm still not ready to open Pandora's box but I really have to figure out my trip home. Ugh I'm so not interested in this transaction.
        All these things are not earth shattering just sucky and the only resolve is to just cry, vent whatever. And then let it go

*eLyse

Current Song (s):

This Use to be my playground- Madonna
Reconsider (Jamie xx remix) - the xx
Intro- The Xx
Paper aeroplanes- Julia and Augustus
Black bird- The Beatles

Happy Anniversary Boston

           Happy One year! I've survived Boston for a year! I can remember eating dinner with my mother up here and after her seeing how much I would retreat when discussing my experience up here she says to me " Do you want to move back home?!" She was so concerned. She was reassuring me that it was okay if I felt like I really couldn't manage this on my own. I wanted to go home, soooo bad, but I said No, quietly and with the utmost of terror in my heart that I couldn't do it. She didn't believe me. She wanted to save me because she knows I'm the baby. This was huge for me, and this was truly the farthest I've been away from my mother (I'm kind of really attached to my mom). I think she had a sheer streak of panic as well. All of that to say, I remember how much I was starting to second guess my being up here. I'm glad I didn't give up.
          Speaking of giving up, I'm even happier that I didn't give up on JB. In my previous blogs I was like running for the hills. I was not about getting hurt. But in trying to protect myself I was essentially not allowing myself to be happy. Thus, I was hurting myself. In my head, if I hurt myself that's okay. But others were NOT allowed. In the words of Kevin Hart "ya'll gon learn today!". And I definitely did! Sitting on pins and needles wondering if my "wall" had officially pissed her off for good. Man talk about damage control! That shit is not cute and really, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! Ryan and Peach coached me through my "come to jesus moment". It was hard because I'm soooo FAALLKKKIINNNGGGG Stubborn!! and when I've made up my mind and the gate is closed... BYE FELICIA! I didn't want to be that way... not with her anyway. I saw myself being a 40 something year old woman pushing people out, still having a hard time accepting myself (cough cough peach cough cough) and I said "NOPE ain't bout that life". One of the Best decisions I've ever made.
           Speaking of Best decisions ever made, I recently left my job at the restaurant and got back into skin care and cosmetics world. Only I work for a cute boutique in boston that is all about healthy wholesome and safe products whilst being high performance. But it's been such an eye opening experience thus far. I'm so excited to see where it takes me! I think this is the first time that "relocating" was not the reason for my leaving a company. I love Boston and it really has been doing great things for me and my relationships. I've been really putting myself to the test and seeing what I'm made of. I really want to throw myself an anniversary party for myself, yo I'm mad proud of myself! As I should be. Slow and steady.
            But I've getting that "yo your life is about to take off" and maybe it's not... But I like when I get that feeling like everything is about to get more interesting, but it is all coming together and you're gonna be alright kid!

       Here's to Boston and really being able to flourish and really find my own.

*Elysium

 Current Song (s):

Don't Look Back- TelepopMusik

oh, hey world!

      My gosh I'm in such a weird space today, Almost like a funk. Like so off... Okay you know what that's not fair. Things have been all too perfect and joyous and right now, I guess I'm just experiencing the float back to reality. I need to be taking the advice that I gave to Peach and that is: To look at it from another lens.
      So I'm gonna focus on how overwhelmingly amazing it is to actually have a relationship with my second oldest sister. I truly NEVER saw that as a possibility in life. I was so prepared to treat her the way she treated me growing up. But let's face all the facts... My family is annoying but super dope as fcuk. To be able to talk and share with my sister as if she is friend so so unexpected. Part of me feels like if I drop the grudge then I am a sell out because I "made a vow" to keep her as an enemy and I always keep my word! The other side of me feels like "Well, I'm older now and things change, people grow up" and change scares the shit out of me (when I'm not the one controlling it). But seriously,  She tells me things that others don't know!!! We laugh about old situations! I can call her and discuss old bullshit and she knows how to be like "yea gurl ya buggin" and I'm not combative! AT ALL!! WHHHAAAATTTT???! THAT SHIT CRAY!! I've been fighting the idea of having my sisters in my life in anyway, I'm always like "OH NO!". But it really is nice, and something that I've always wanted! Honestly, Pride really is no fun unless its for a parade. Speaking of pride, I've actually been recently telling my aunt that she needs to cut the nonsense and she's been doing the same to me and, well, no ones combative and it feels good. She's raised me and for a while I felt like if I ever said anything to her she'd shut me down so quick! it was like she had an internal "panic button" and she's always quick to use it... Not this time, she let me have an opinion! and that's all I really wanted from her.
      The air around me may feel stale today but that's going to happen. It's literally like me dissecting every situation that I'm in and trying to figure out how it can be handled better than my usual. And then sometimes I have to say "hey elle, maybe it will handle itself, stop trying just let it be." and whenever I want to trust that feeling, I'm scared as fcuk and I'm like no I really just can't let go of my control. But I'm trying. And that's mainly because I'm exhausted from exhausting every situation. Can't even be sure I know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it...
       Dare I say it, allowing yourself to be happy is bit of a chore. Well in the beginning it is. It's all very new. It's a lot of communicating, a lot of letting go, a lot more owning especially with how you feel. and as my sister once told me, not taking myself too seriously sometimes. A major thing for me is to not take happiness away from myself. I must not think I deserve happiness because I'm quick to shut shit down before it has a chance. I prepare for things that haven't happened and may not even happen but I can't take that chance and then I'm mad at the world. SHIT AINT RIGHT!
       All in all Boston is doing some great things for me! I've been here for a year and it's been a great one! I'm hella excited to see what's to come!

*Elle

Current Song (s):

Black Bird- The Beatles

Too strong?

           Years ago, " The one who shall not be named" brought up the fact that maybe she's "not a strong as me".  Almost as if to say that I'm so hard and rigid maybe. Like I'm really "this is right and that's wrong" and that's the end of the story. Well over the years I've paid close attention to myself and my actions, others actions etc. Sometimes I'd come down on myself like why can';t you just play along? Why do you have to be such a buzz kill? Why can't I just join in all the reindeer games? My advice is so black and white, I can't really give you answers you want to here.That's dishonest. I come across as very cold and i'm not understanding. Thing is I do understand, But now, now I understand that we are all caught up in the reality show that we've created for ourselves. It's really fun to indulge in our problems and pretend that we don't see what's happening in front of us because in our minds we feel like everyone is watching intently to see what our next moves are. and Me? I'm the girl that tells you the truth. I'm the reminder that well, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! and well we're all over it! stop playing damsel in distress, it was cute for about 5 minutes but we're over it. Hell I even have to do that to myself, I rain on my own parade. My point is, maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. It's hard to have discipline but that's not a bad thing. You're not masochistic, you just chose to attempt to follow the same advice you'd give someone else. My thing is, you know what's right for you and you know whats not. Don't complain about something just to give yourself importance. and stop complaining about the shit you love to do and repeatedly do. It's annoying. What gets me is when people act as though they don't know how to fix a problem.granted some people don't. But majority do, they just want their cake, and everybody else's cake too and they want you to say it's okay.I really don't like to do that.
              So where am I right now? I'm trying to decide if I like my level of strength. Is it too much? Am I not understanding enough? How much gray can I add before I start to feel like I'm compromising myself too much. Do I really want to compromise. or am I just complaining and being a damsel in distress? I think I already know my answer.

*Elyse

Current Song(s):

Carry on wayward son

      When in doubt, "Drag" it out. "To Wong Fu" was just the ticket needed to take me to ultimate sleepy land. Could I be more restless? Yes because restless is the beautiful ribbon that's tied in a bow around all my disappointment. I am exaggerating just a bit but it sucks. Hey guess what I was smart enough to not make the same mistake! It totally counts for something. I didn't force it. I want my way but that's just not going to happen! It's really not the smartest move,  I have NO control over this situation, Yeaup I said that shit. Well here's to never hearing from her again... And here is to... Barcelona! Here's to working, and grinding and being the queen I really am, I'm not getting distracted this time. I want this, and this wants me.
     Today I shall get up pay my bills, stretch it out in class and try to be as present as I possibly can. Cease every network opportunity and werq! I'm so young. What's that saying youth's wasted on the young? You damn right! And I refuse to have it wasted on this beautiful piece of ass!

*Elysium

A dream is a wish your heart makes- Cinderella
Defying Gravity- wicked
Strut- cheetah Girls
Flawless- Beyoncé
Do my thang- Miley Cyrus
Carry on Wayward son- Kansas

Here's to the road ahead.

     I really wanted to cry but the thing is, I had no tears to give. Also you know that moment, when you find yourself talking about something that you've been talking about for the longest time, and as you talk about it you're like... Ugh bitch it's over and done with. Well. My come to Jesus moment; my family is my family, I'd rather be super close with my mom because she's an amazing one, my sisters are stupid bitches but when I needed them they were there for me, my dad's tom foolery adds for comic relief (if I can allow myself to laugh at the fact that he's just a lost cause and stop being so sensitive) and I'm just a queen, a head strong, passionate queen that flips out whenever given the opportunity. I don't need to like them all the time. And to be quite honest it might benefit me to make that vocal more often. Anyway to keep painting this picture of this terrible family that I have I quite childish. Because they are in no way terrible. They're human they suck. I can choose to fcuk with them when I want to or back the fcuk off. It took me years to learn that. It also took me to last month and really last night to realize. I'm not uncle Rico. The past happened. Most of it happened exactly the way you saw it happening. And whilst I will always reflect on the past, I'm just not there anymore. I don't want to be, dude it's lame. And as much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. I think that possibly, It's time to stop denying what I want, I guess I've just been sorting it all out and trying to figure out just what exactly is that?
I'll continue onward. Set backs aren't the end. They are annoying but I don't know whatever.


*Elysium

Current song(s):

Valentines Day

      I woke up like this! I woke up like this! Happy!!! HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING VALENTINES DAY PEOPLE!!! Oh yes I just said happy valentines day!! I actually don't feel like bah humbug today... Everything has just been everything recently. The moments where I start to worry about something, I actually feel at ease because I know it's gonna work out. I feel at ease.  And when I feel this way I take the time to try to plan out what's gonna happen next.  And I gotta say I'm happy to see where this new project takes me! I'll give more details shortly because I'm extremely happy about it. Ah! You know me and God are like going back and forth right now, it's a good back and forth. It's like when you first start talking to someone and you have these little cutsie back and forths, you don't see eye to eye all the time but you know that ultimately you have the same goal at heart and your just being a ball buster but the disagreeing is all light hearted. That's how we are right now. With my job with the relationships I've been forming. My future. He's watching me walk around like I'm the big kahuna! I control my life and how it turns out and everything that happens from now to then. And he's like oh yea? That's cute... Imma let you finish but we're gonna go down this path instead. And I'm like "nope backspace delete" and he does it anyway and I'm like you right you right. I'm telling you, I'm fighting less and less with the things that are gonna happen anyway, fighting less with things that have already happened , fighting less with my own success and how beautiful I was, I am and will be. I fight with happiness. It's always been a dream and truthfully it is my reality. Today is valentines day and I love myself today tomorrow everyday! I may not like myself 365 but I do respect and love myself.

Today... Today will be a great day

Elysium

Currently song (s):

All is full of love- Björk
Secret Door- Evanescence
A dream is a wish your heart makes- Disney