I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Just wasn't ready to go home. I found myself at the commons. Sitting in our spot. Wanting to text her, but not really. I didn't know what to make of the txt I got. Normally it would be whatever but I almost feel like life is repeating itself?
He txt'd me after a year asking to hang out and of course I'm like yea we can meet somewhere. That's about all I could do at that very moment. Funny thing is I left work thinking to myself "I just want to be in my bed and cuddle..." But when the opportunity presented itself I wasn't about it, AT ALL. Usually I could go with the flow. But I really wasn't about it. I haven't seen you or heard from you in a year. I don't wanna romp with you. If we're just cuddling why do I have to be emotionally available to you because you told me you aint bout that life. Now you come across a girl that's not falling all over you and it's problem... That's where I checked out the first time.
Rochester made her guest appearance again a few days ago. The thought of me moving back to NY left her with the hope that there would be a little more of an us. It was sweet yes but not realistic in the slightest. Me and Rush hang out and talk more like we did a year ago, before we stopped. Same with the bohemian rhapsody... I look at this time last year and see the characters coming back and the timing seams very accurate. and in the order kind of.
Thing is I don't feel like I did anything wrong, like there was a lesson that needed to be learned, so this is going to continue until the lesson is learned. I loved this past year with Boston. It has been a real year. Very action packed. I'm over thinking it aint I? None the less, I just needed to not for about two seconds or 10.
I wanted to feel connected to her, I wanted very badly to put her in earshot of my name. I just don't know anymore. You work so hard to distance yourself from it all that you end up back in it.
I'm treading and getting a little tired. Between worrying about how to make sure that my ends are met, doing what needs to be done, for now and future career and job and money and creatively feeding the soul... Wondering if a person still thinks about me as much as I'd like them to, in the way that i'd like them to, I'm just not in a mind zone to care. I really need to get through this weekend. All this networking is awesome but making me anxious because I can't pay bills on hope.
I don't know what to make of it all... that's my biggest challenge... it is what it is ... there's nothing to make of it. Don't try to.
ELyse
Any Other Name- Thomas Newman
Infinity- The Xx
No comments:
Post a Comment