It's been one week since I've been home and I gotta tell you, there's a heaviness like non other. My dreams have only been confirming so. Way too many goodbyes like two weeks ago. I know no one lives forever, but Mr. Eaton was one that I was not even close to expecting. He made me who I was or who I am, whatever. He believed in my leadership talents way before I knew I had them. Treated every kid of wphs like his own and made them feel special. In no way shape or form was I ready to say goodbye. Yet another situation I was forced to be strong. I'm over it. An overwhelming week to say the least. Only to hit NY to feel the heaviest I've felt in a long time. Every dream is a mirror and telling me I have repressed anger that I need to confront. But how?!!! I don't feel like I'm running, déjà vu. I cannot shut my mind off. And I'm afraid to admit what I'm not even sure is accurate. But idk. It can't be so. And then my sister says the guy at the bar that I've managed to pick up is the boy version of her. The intensity, the hips, the delicate danty masculine image. And then he got his coat. And it was her coat. FEKKK!!! Aeropostale fur lined zip up. Fcuk he was her. Only she was more put together. This can't be right!
I look at her now and I don't recognize her. She's not what I had years ago. I probably never had her. And i find myself needing to talk to her. Wait what? I don't need to talk to her. But it's like all the stuff I went through to not talk to her and tell her feels odd. But then again the last time we "spoke" we yelled at each other, arguing over shit I did that truthfully I had nothing to do with. I was so turned off I was like bye Felicia! I saw her mdw and she wasn't the person I fell in love with. And I know she saw me and thought that's not the person I ever fell in love with. We were estranged. Yet somehow now, I don't know what to believe or feel.
Life doesn't make sense to me right now. There's the theory of confronting fears, and theory that you're running from them. Lately people and my dreams are telling me I need to confront my fears. I thought I was doing that. I make sure that I'm honest with how I'm feeling. I pick up artistic outlets like piano, guitar, drawing, singing, dancing etc to allow myself to express myself freely. I even started this blog. It's my online diary, it's where I'm honest and me.. And I allow myself to be seen by an invisible audience. There's no telling who's in the audience but it's out there. Haunting and helping giving insight. Right now I want to talk to my friends and ask their opinion. It's not up to them. They can't help. They'll tell me I'm running. But I'm not. And when I'm not they tell me I need to date and distract myself. They have no idea what it is I do. So how can I rely on them to give me the advice I need. So I write here. Maybe I help someone with this. Maybe the one who shall not be named sees this. Although I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she knows better than reading these. She should have learned her lesson.
It really doesn't matter what she's learned or hasn't learned. Whilst I don't miss all of her I miss some her. And some of the moments that were created by her. And as for JB it might take another few months to get over her. Granted I wasn't with her long. But man talk about seeing yourself married with someone and then having it Ripped from you and months later still holding on to the delusion that she's still your wife! I only hurt myself by holding on to her. She doesn't want to be held on to. I'm having a hard time accepting that. And I'm super hard on myself about it too. I'm so young though, life can't be about finding that person. Like that can't be what life is all about. I found my soulmate and let me tell you just because they're your soulmate doesn't mean you should be together. I'm just so stuck right now. I'm just angry at the world. And not sure how to make it right. I've been an "inspirational quote" junkie lately. Hoping one of those quotes will hit me in the face and I'll be over all of this. And love and worry about myself the way I do them. I'm going day by day, talking to myself in a soothing understanding matter. And yet my dreams are still telling me that there are fears I'm not confronting. Okay well how do I confront them. Cuz I'm so over this right now. My happiness needs to come from me and not love in another person. Idk I just can't even right now. I'm like stalemate, help!
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Current song(s):
Scarburough fair: Simon and garfunkle
The world can be yours: Telepop Musik
Reconsider (Jamie remix) : The Xx
Hanging on: Active Child
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