The chase

             But the truth is I want to be sought after. I mean really thats all that can be said. Nor do I think it's a ridiculous request. I think I've put myself through enough torture. Agonizing and over analyzing everything, down to the very last drop. It's totally not in my cards right now and it's actually okay. But I know that when I'm truly down for a person I will drop everything and go and follow and do whatever they want. I'll try to be a billy badass and refuse because I should be practical but my heart always wants to put a person first. It's not healthy. and I know it's not healthy because I get so tired of giving and giving and giving that it tips my scales and I'm selfish as fcuk. And then at that point it's just a wrap. I've never really found that balance. oops... I'm not mad about it, I just know now... nope nope nope, I just accept it now. Yea that's better.
             I am many things. Sometimes all at once even. I cannot apologize for that. and I'm not anymore. I think that wall that I've been trying to build back is finally coming back. Truthfully I dig it. Maybe that's why I didn't take her number. I only gave her mine. my thought process is such that if you want to txt me you can, but I will not chase you. The only thing this girl is chasing after is her dream. I need to keep that dream in view. I get side track so hard and will forget everything. I'm finally getting around to being motivated again.
              So you're like, what is she talking about? I met a girl, so stupidly delicious! she was that 80's early 90's heart throb that made all the girls swoon. and somehow I managed to claim it that night. Now usually I'm like lets exchange numbers. but this time I said you know what? you take mine before you leave. If she contacts she contacts and if not thats fine too. Because I know if I had her number I'd be like obsessing and getting eager and putting myself out there and distracted and I'm like nope not this time. Do what you want. At this point I'm so up in the air with living situations and job situations that I don't want a like interest to be the reason I pass up a good opportunity or make me not try as hard. That's what happened with my last ex. I stopped pushing so hard to go to Barcelona because I could tell she thought I'd just up and leave her. So to show her I was loyal to her, I said fcuk it. and we're not even together anymore. Granted I've been doing some wonderful things out here. But to be fair I'd do great things anywhere I go. And the point is, for as lonely as I get sometimes, I was never driven by love. By having that perfect relationship. aspiring to be in that perfect relationship. I was always driven by doing what I love and something I'm proud of. All the other stuff is minor to me. Yet somehow, I tend to get caught up in all the heresy of relational matters that I start to second guess myself. It's just not necessary..what ever will be will be. I'm getting a hold of my life, I don't wanna lose focus... I also know I'm dope as shit. So why am I putting out all the effort. NOPE bye felicia! cause when a persons worthy of you, they will do whatever it takes to show you that they are. and right now nobody is! sorry bout it.

ELysium

Current song(s):
U2- Sleep like a baby tonight